To not tell my older brothers this..

[Capricorn8990]

So today I found out following a scan that my dad sadly has Alzheimer's. I'm usually the person who messages my brothers to let them know when he has been admitted to hospital and I update them on his progress. They never text him or call my mum and basically wait for my updates.. they've not bothered with them for some time but I update them cos they can't say they didn't know..

Do you think I should message them or wait until they call or text my dad which is very unlikely.. would I be unreasonable not to tell them?

My parents have tried over the years to communicate with them but they just don't seem to care.

@Capricorn8990
Please don't let stupid, short sighted comments upset you. It is irrelevant and the person making these comments clearly hasn't grasped the circumstances. You are doing all you can, try to relax and focus on your own needs for a while, you're doing your best and it is more than enough.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

However, it does seem odd that more than one brother does not keep in contact with your parents. I wonder if you are the golden child? Are you the only daughter?

You've done the right thing, I think it is fine to want to stop being the go between but if you have been doing it for a while and everyone is used to it you need to tell all concerned that you aren't going to continue otherwise it can leave you open to allegations of game playing that could make matters worse.

I was in this position and was I ignored 😂😂

About a month later correspondence started and we have worked very well through all the issues

It’s very typical that daughters get left with the caring.

1. POA first. This is really important. Your siblings will need to agree.

1. Get on the elderly parents thread here, under “other”. Lots of support and knowledge.

1. Distance yourself emotionally from your brother. Be the bigger person. Keep him up to date with key event and allow him to help if he offers. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. It is common, and you don’t want to waste precious emotional energy.

@MonicaGellerCleans

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

However, it does seem odd that more than one brother does not keep in contact with your parents. I wonder if you are the golden child? Are you the only daughter?

It's two older brothers. My other brother and sister keep in touch with them and my sister sees them regularly, as do I.

I'm adopted and so is my other brother who keeps in contact. I feel that they think the adopted children were treated differently to them but my sister doesn't agree and she grew up with them.

Families are complicated

@Thymeout

Surely someone will have to contact them when setting up a power of attorney? The names and addresses of close relatives have to be entered on the form. This obviously includes all children of the subject of the order. Is your mother setting this in motion?

Whether you inform them in advance is up to you but this isn't the time for petty games between siblings.

This just isn't accurate. You can choose to notify people with the aim that this will reduce the likelihood that they object to the power of attorney, but you are not obliged to do so. You've made it sound here as though OP's siblings get to decide what decisions their parents make - they don't - and she doesn't have to get their permission. She may still decide to tell them, but don't misrepresent this.

OP, I would urgently find out about getting power of attorney as once capacity is lost, it's too late. As you're the one who takes care of them, it is sensible for you to be the attorney. Don't make it your mum as you don't know how her health will be long term. My advice would be don't become joint attorney with your brothers, as you'll end up always waiting for them to get back to you to get anything done. Maybe name one as the back up attorney who takes over if you can't carry it out yourself at any point. Get a solicitor to do it for you - you can do it yourself but it'll be more work and stress, so I think it's worth paying a professional.

Gooseberry, you are right that you don’t strictly need to inform siblings when setting up a POA but you are encouraged to. And it helps reduce conflict later.

A POA can be applied for without using a lawyer. The process is quite straightforward. There are two. Financial, and Heath and Welfare. With internet banking etc it can be easier to have a single name on the financial, with a second as alternate.

I agree, families are complicated!

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad xx

I hope the medicine helps. There are a lot of things they say helps, such as being hydrated & vitamins. I work in the theory that they might/might not, but anything harmless is worth doing. Being hydrated is a common difficulty amongst old people and worth addressing anyway!

My family friends adopted two children and then had an unexpected pregnancy. The relationships have all been very difficult over the years. I'm glad you have some siblings that you get on well with. I guess your other brothers have their views about their lives (rightly or wrongly) but it's a shame as they're adults now and need to see beyond perceived inequalities.

Having said that, I don't get on with my brother and neither of us is adopted!

Take care of yourself! Use your energy ion yourself, your parents & your siblings that are there for you!xx

Why can't your parents call them and let their other children know?

My parents are always complaining that no one calls them. It's a complicted relationship, but also my parents never call us.

@Capricorn8990 After losing my dad to alzheimers and my mum to dementia, there is financial help available which is not means tested, if you have any questions feel free to message me.

As a daughter who kept their parents at home for as long as I could, look after yourself (I ended up nearly with a MH breakdown) and you need to look after your own family I know the need to look after them will seem higher, but they would want you to have your own life (dad told me this in a rare lucid moment)

I wish you all the best for what will be a hard journey

Families are complicated
Ne'er a truer word spoken! Good luck OP you seem to have some good advice on here. Wishing you the energy to get you through, while looking after yourself.

@IncompleteSenten

If they cared, they'd keep in contact. I'd leave it. Focus on your parents.

Agree

Tell them and lighten the mental load. Then move on to looking after your parents.

I decided to wait until my sister wondered where our DDad had been put when he developed dementia.

Try five and a half years!

In that time she had not called him, sent a card of any sort or even thought about him it would seem. It wasn't until my uncle asked me how DDad was in front of her one Xmas, she remembered she had a father at all. She was there with her hands open when he dies though.

I was in this situation when my mum had a stroke. I decided to tell my brothers for my Mum's sake, not mine.

Please consider asking your father’s psychiatrist or MHCOP consultant to support you & your family the POA documentation process.

My mum’s NHS consultant was a huge help by encouraging my mum to get the POA documentation started & ‘interviewed’ her in familiar surroundings so that they could confirm that she had mental capacity to make the decisions & the documents reflected her wishes.

@Capricorn8990 ‘ I'm pregnant, I've got OCD, work quite a stressful job ’.

Please put yourself first.
From what you say up the thread you are asserting your boundaries & this is good to hear, also that you have siblings who are interested & caring.

Just to reinforce the point, when the medical teams are in touch, please make the point about help with the POA process.

Blimey - some insensitive comments on here directed at OP.
You've done the right thing - the rest is up to them. Take time to enjoy your pregnancy.

Personally I'd get the POA in place (or at least applied for) before you tell them. With you (and potentially the siblings who do support and visit your parents) as attorneys.

The brothers seem like the sort who'll having nothing to do with their parents or with helping you, until they think there's something in it for them. Or that they think they might miss out on something. If they're attorneys too, they'll suddenly want in on every decision (while not actually doing anything to help)

Think carefully before having more than one financial POA. It sounds equitable to include all the siblings. However it is far easier to do routine admin if you don’t need to clear things with everyone. Banks, who are not always helpful with POA things, dislike adding multiple signatories and indeed may refuse to.

@Ahhwoofwoof

I would never forgive my sibling for not telling me and gate-keeping information like this. You are using this diagnosis as a weapon. It won't end well.

If my siblings were as shit children to their parents as the ops siblings are they’d be well and truly in the never forgiven bucket already, she owes them nothing, so you carry on with your faux outrage. If they want to jump on some high horse they can pick up the phone and call or visit their parents themselves.

You do need poa but don’t try and get your useless brothers included. If they want to help they can start by doing something, not by being given a say in finances etc. it would make your pregnancy hell having to negotiate things with them to get your parents needed care.

@Needmoresleep

Think carefully before having more than one financial POA. It sounds equitable to include all the siblings. However it is far easier to do routine admin if you don’t need to clear things with everyone. Banks, who are not always helpful with POA things, dislike adding multiple signatories and indeed may refuse to.

You can choose "jointly and severally" which means each attorney can make individual decisions.

This is what I share with my SIL for my ex FIL. We can each manage financial affairs independently.