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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to go to friends wedding abroad on husbands milestone birthday?

92 replies

isitmean · 25/01/2022 08:36

Close friend from school is getting married in Wales on the same day as my husbands milestone birthday.
Attending the wedding would mean paying for a trip abroad and we wouldn't be able to afford to also go away for his birthday or do something big on the day.
The wedding is in Wales (travelling from Ireland) so not a sun holiday. He doesn't know my friend that well, she isn't a joint friend. Am I being unreasonable to want to go?
School friends wedding vs big milestone birthday for DH...

To add, another friend and MIL have said I would be very unreasonable to go.

  • * [Post edited by MNHQ for clarity - changed the first mention of 'France' to 'Wales'] **
OP posts:
AlandAnna · 25/01/2022 08:55

Assume you are both going? I don’t see a problem if so. Surely you can do something special for his birthday while you are there?

Me and H like weddings though… you have to talk to him about it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/01/2022 08:55

I think this is your husbands call. It wouldnt bother me to celebrate another time but others would be upset

LefttoherownDevizes · 25/01/2022 08:55

I am still confused now Spain has come into it.

I think either you and DH combine wedding and birthday or you give the wedding a miss. Unless he had gotten for not liking birthdays and has already told you to go I think your loyalty needs to lie with DH

mdh2020 · 25/01/2022 08:56

DH wouldn’t care at all. Can’t you also celebrate the birthday on a different day - have two celebrations? He isn’t a child

rookiemere · 25/01/2022 08:59

Can you go to the wedding by yourself to cut costs and also take DH away on a different date ?

Keladrythesaviour · 25/01/2022 08:59

I'd extend the trip. Do the wedding then spend a few extra nights in Cardiff (if you like cities) or travelling the Gower etc (if you prefer scenery). There's so much to do in Wales there's no reason you can make it into a fun holiday too. I know it isn't France or Spain, but there's loads to see and do and offers a bit of everything!

oviraptor21 · 25/01/2022 09:00

If my DH wanted to go to a close friend's wedding on my milestone birthday I would wave him off very happily.
Only once have we been away for the weekend on a birthday and that can be done any time. Why get stuck on a particular date? Anyway usually we just go out for a nice meal, with or without family and that's more than enough.
But a friend's wedding is something that can't be moved to another date.

gamerchick · 25/01/2022 09:03

I think I would go on whether I would be bothered if the situation was reversed really.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/01/2022 09:06

As PP combine the two. It's very doable. Wales is lovely (I'm also Irish & it's a trip I love making)

He's not a big birthday person, so if you co-ordinate a nice trip taking in the wedding, it's all good.

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 25/01/2022 09:09

Hi all - we've nipped in and edited the mention of France by request of the OP. It was causing confusion. So France is now Wales. Sorry France.

sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 09:12

@isitmean

So sorry I will get it edited! I initially wrote a longer post which invoked France; I was thinking of taking him to France for Spain for his birthday which he'd much prefer to wales.

The wedding is in Wales, we live in Ireland.

Re how he feels. He isn't a big birthday person, doesn't like parties. He wouldn't know people at the wedding well.
I don't think he wants to go particularly but I think he would also feel bad saying so as he would feel bad about me missing it.

Honestly, I'd go! There has got to be some fancy hotel you could do a night in after the wedding for his birthday. And then schedule France or Spain for later in the year.
overthehillandsofaraway · 25/01/2022 09:15

TBH, it sounds like you'd both be happier if you went to the wedding in Wales yourself, and he chilled at home with a takeaway. Then when you're back from Wales, you both go out for a quiet meal together somewhere half-decent. Would something like that be an option?

Singlebutmarried · 25/01/2022 09:16

Why not combine the two?

Nice hotel for wedding, you’ll be fed and watered on his actual birthday so no planning required. Then extend the break either in the same hotel or book a cosy cottage and just enjoy being together.

Dammitthisisshit · 25/01/2022 09:16

Is he invited too? If so can you afford to both go, have 1 day/night at the wedding and a night or two in Wales together? Lots of options for different budgets in wales - you get north wales beaches and snowdonia national park. Tenby is lovely. You can make the rest of the time all about him.

Horst · 25/01/2022 09:20

Yeah I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday at a stranger wedding tbh.

A trip to France for a big birthday or a strangers wedding is a no brained for the dh.

The problem here is you can’t afford to do both even if you move the birthday trip. So you’ve got to pick what’s more important to you your friends wedding or a birthday trip with your dh?

Then you’ve got to be prepared for one of those people to feel upset possibly that you didn’t care enough about them.

rookiemere · 25/01/2022 09:23

No offence meant but a trip to Wales doesn't have the same attraction as one to France.

Would your school friend be upset if you didn't go to the wedding? How close are you if she doesn't know your DH? Could you do a white lie and say you'd already booked the trip with DH ?

Alonelonelyloner · 25/01/2022 09:23

If it were the other way round, it would sound strange for your DH to be going off to a wedding on your big birthday - whether or not you are really into birthdays.
YABU if you go. Try and combine at the very least or stay with DH and do something else.

Staryflight445 · 25/01/2022 09:24

Of course yabu. Your husband comes first.
Milestone birthdays are to be celebrated, or at least you being there with him. He might not make it to another.

Wexone · 25/01/2022 09:33

I would try and combine it, Wales is beautiful and you could stay in a nice hotel etc and make a holiday out of it. Plus if coming from Ireland its not too far to travel. I would also make a fuss like a small party weekend before or after the wedding. For my partners 40th I did arrange for a holiday as his present however we didnt go for his birth we went a few weeks after ( weather would have been better plus he would need to sort work out etc)

irishfarmer · 25/01/2022 09:34

If you are both invited I'd go and stay on for a few extra days. I've only driven through Wales but it looked beautiful I'd love to go back there for a few days holiday. Ye could book somewhere fancy to stay.

If he doesn't want to go and isn't bothered. I'd go alone then take him somewhere the following weekend. With all these restrictions lifted is he planning a big party? Would you miss that? If so I would go to DHs party over the wedding

Jumpingintomenopause · 25/01/2022 09:35

I wouldn’t like to be attending a virtual strangers wedding on a milestone birthday so I wouldn’t expect DH to either.

In all honesty I’m sure your friend would understand.

Dammitthisisshit · 25/01/2022 09:46

I’m case my post wasnt clear. YANBU if you’re not leaving him on his own for his birthday! Appreciate I’m against the flow.

lap90 · 25/01/2022 09:46

You know your husband best. I wouldn't mind celebrating another date with my partner. But some people are big birthday people.

ilovemybeachhut · 25/01/2022 09:46

@Staryflight445

Of course yabu. Your husband comes first. Milestone birthdays are to be celebrated, or at least you being there with him. He might not make it to another.
{Grump alert] Birthdays are a bit meh imo, as just a reminder of being a year older which is a bit depressing, but everyone to their own. We 'celebrate' every day of life I have with each other. I'd do something with dh and arrange a full on meet up with my friend at a later date. She'll be too occupied to spend much time with you at a wedding tbh.
Datsandcogs · 25/01/2022 09:51

Is he included in the wedding? Can you extend the trip to Wales to include something special for his birthday? If not he takes priority.