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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get a tattoo removed without discussing with DH?

105 replies

LizardTattoo · 24/01/2022 22:33

Right. I've namechanged. I need opinions as I (obviously!) don't think IABU, but I'm willing to rethink if I'm being a horror.

I got a dubious lizard tattoo on my back aged 15. Rebellious stage, but luckily it's only small and easily hidden. Not many people know I have it.

Aged 37, I've been offered free laser tattoo removal - I have had laser hair removal, and my lady that does it (a nurse) needed a tattoo model and thought of me. I've accepted and have an appointment for next week. So far so good.

This evening, I mentioned it to DH. He hit the roof. Says it's an important decision, I should have discussed it with him, even though it's my body and I have it right to choose, I should have talked it through with him, that he'd never change his body without consulting me.

I got angry, said yes, it's my body, and I was in fact talking to him about it - I was just pissed off as by his reaction he seems to think he's got a right to tell me what to do with my skin, which he obviously denies. He says our bodies are shared history.

Either I just don't understand and am a lizard-tattooed heathen, or he's displaying uncomfortable signs of control that were previously hidden.

So, AIBU not to discuss it before booking the removal?

(I'm having it anyway, no matter what he thinks - my body etc, which I think is really annoying him.)

OP posts:

DontBlameMe79 · 25/01/2022 09:24

How would you feel if he got circumcised without telling you? Might explain a bit of how he feels. But I’m with the consensus, you can do what you like (and so can he).

Lweji · 25/01/2022 09:27

YANBU

He says our bodies are shared history. No.

Does he discuss his own hair cuts? His medical treatment? Every time he cuts his nails?
He's being ridiculous.

Giggorata · 25/01/2022 09:28

He doesn't really accept that it is your body, your choice if he's coming out with stuff like that.
I hope that this is an aberration and not part of an habitual controlling behaviour pattern.

After going ahead with the removal (and as well as numbing cream, I would also suggest taking some strong painkillers beforehand), I would wait a while and discuss it again, as CakesOfVersailles says.
Once you know if it’s a real problem, you can -kill him- deal with it appropriately.

I would from now on sarcastically discuss that I was thinking of cutting my toenails, etc.

Giggorata · 25/01/2022 09:28

Hey, what happened to strikethrough?

Lweji · 25/01/2022 09:29

strike through
strike through

Tullig · 25/01/2022 09:30

@DontBlameMe79

How would you feel if he got circumcised without telling you? Might explain a bit of how he feels. But I’m with the consensus, you can do what you like (and so can he).

Because cutting off part of his penis is equivalent to reversing an ill-advised minor cosmetic procedure on the skin surface?

alexis4theppl · 25/01/2022 09:30

I wouldn't have thought to consider my partner in deciding to remove a tattoo I disliked. I would have announced it to him as you did. He's reaction is strange. Go get your tattoo removed hun, and it's free as a bonus.

Santahasjoinedww · 25/01/2022 09:32

Who the fuck compared it to circumcision??

That has to be the most ridiculous response I have ever read on mn!!

DontBlameMe79 · 25/01/2022 09:34

@Tullig. Yes pretty much. Both don’t have real implications for the other party in the relationship.

DontBlameMe79 · 25/01/2022 09:35

@Santahasjoinedww

Who the fuck compared it to circumcision??

That has to be the most ridiculous response I have ever read on mn!!

I’ll take that as a compliment.

erinaceus · 25/01/2022 09:35

His reaction is quite strange, that's what strikes me. When you have both calmed down a bit you might want to ask him whether there is something else behind it.

I can sort of see a partner getting angry at their partner getting a tattoo without discussing it, even though they would be unreasonable IMO. But getting mad at someone getting a tattoo removed doesn't make a huge amount of sense to me.

Lweji · 25/01/2022 09:41

I’ll take that as a compliment.

You really shouldn't.

In any case, if my partner decided to have any sort of body changing procedure, I wouldn't expect him to consult with me. Unless he really wanted help with his decision. But he's a grown man.

DontBlameMe79 · 25/01/2022 09:45

@Lweji

I’ll take that as a compliment.

You really shouldn't.

In any case, if my partner decided to have any sort of body changing procedure, I wouldn't expect him to consult with me. Unless he really wanted help with his decision. But he's a grown man.

I get the feeling from most of this thread though that if DH rocked up and said he was getting circumcised without consultation OP would be advised there should be hell to pay. The old MN double standard two step in full full flow.

Ikeptgoing · 25/01/2022 09:48

Your DH is talking about your body like his shared property. It isn't.

You having a tattoo removed is not something he gets to decide on! That's entirely your call.
Besides you HAVE talked to him, he's just pissed off that you decided on your own.

I could understand a long term partner wanting to have a 'heads up' or have 'their view' asked before adding a big visible tattoo or major piercing but not to have veto powers

Nobody owns anybody else's body. It's not a joint mortgage!

His talk is weirdly possessive of your body . You're still an individual with your own mind and choice, and body autonomy, whether you're married or not !!

SportsMother · 25/01/2022 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonanonanon123 · 25/01/2022 09:52

Wtaf. I was expecting it to be a tattoo of him or one you got for him such as his name or your anniversary or something and obviously even then it's still your choice but a random lizard?!

CatSpeakForDummies · 25/01/2022 09:52

Could he have gone and got a matching lizard on his back as a surprise 😁

That'd explain his shock but not the creepy ownership comments!

Ikeptgoing · 25/01/2022 09:54

That's part of your joint sexual interactions though isn't it? So it will affect both parties. Not about appearance, which is all this tattoo is.

But if DH wanted to be circumcised, it would be normal to want to have your view sought by your loved one or at least be pre warned that he was arranging to be circumcised, but again there is no veto powers - as DH has autonomy over his own body. So if a man wants to be circumcised, that's entirely his choice. I can't imagine MNrs arguing a different point to that.

Tullig · 25/01/2022 09:54

[quote DontBlameMe79]@Tullig. Yes pretty much. Both don’t have real implications for the other party in the relationship.[/quote]
But for a man to be circumcised in adulthood would usually require a medical reason, and would involve potential complications to the surgery site. I mean, it’s surgery — day surgery, but performed in a hospital by surgeons. You would need time off work and to not have sex for weeks. Tattoo removal is a non-invasive cosmetic procedure.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/01/2022 09:55

I'm guessing he's a bit scared ? (Of change ?)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2022 09:56

Jesus! That's terrible from him. How dare he!

DontBlameMe79 · 25/01/2022 09:58

@Tullig. Tattoo site could get infected. Sepsis could set in. Nothing is without risk. Sound like you think it would be unreasonable for DH to say he’s going to get circumcised without consultation?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 25/01/2022 10:09

If you were going down the extreme body modification route IE having horned dermal implants, then I can see why he'd react as he possibly wouldn't want to be with a horned human.

However tattoo removal? Nope.

Tullig · 25/01/2022 10:11

[quote DontBlameMe79]@Tullig. Tattoo site could get infected. Sepsis could set in. Nothing is without risk. Sound like you think it would be unreasonable for DH to say he’s going to get circumcised without consultation?[/quote]
Anyone who thinks these are equivalent has a deeply skewed understanding of the human body. If someone were having an invasive medical procedure involving day surgery, anaesthaesia, a week off work, they would be doing so on medical advice, for a health condition. DH would not be ‘consulting’ with me on a circumcision any more than he did on having his gall bladder removed last year.

The only person I know who was circumcised in adulthood did so as part of his treatment for genital cancer.

Which is obviously exactly like going down to the laser clinic to have ‘DARREN 4 EVAH’ layered off your back.

If someone were doing it because they were converting to Islam or Judaism, yes, I assume it would be mentioned to a spouse as part of the whole conversion/reversion process.

Lweji · 25/01/2022 10:12

It's funny how people who mention the double standards rarely have a palpable example to show.
It's just their "feeling".

The only reason I can think of for DP to consult with me for elective surgery or any body changing procedure is if it cost a lot of any joint money, or he would need my support (time or money) afterwards.
Otherwise, no.

Of course that if he had surgery to put something like horns, then I'd make my own decision to stay with him or not.

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