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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH thinks I'm incompetent

102 replies

Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 12:41

I've posted before about my driving anxiety. Long story. Late learner
Limited journeys. Avoidance.
However, I am a billion times better than I was say 12 months ago.

In all fairness, theres not many places in the last year I've actually needed to go

Dh has a big family car so he does family trips. Very experienced driver and not fazed by anything.
Anyhow!! I feel that he treats my driving as if I'm some little old lady making trips to the supermarket or such like
Even more limited than I'm capable of.
He will occasionally rely on me to take DC to various local ish extra curricular activities.
So I think he thinks its useful I can drive if necessary.
But maybe doesnt trust me to do anything more challenging. My own fault I suppose as I've stressed so much about driving

The other day I I offered to drop one of the DC somewhere and he said he would go as I wouldn't know where it was! )I have a sat nav FFS).
Suits me as I got to crack open the wine.

Anyway, last night we were discussing a family holiday and a place very far away that I love but a massive drive.
I suggested getting put on his insurance and sharing some of the journey. After getting some experience with his bigger car first
His response was no its fine. I will drive all of the way , I dont mind.
I feel irrationally annoyed. I'm not going to say anything but I'm waiting or the next comment when I will.
Am I being oversensitve?

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 24/01/2022 12:44

He's probably (like me!) a shit passenger. My DP drives but if we're going somewhere together I always drive. Nothing personal.

freelions · 24/01/2022 12:44

It just sounds like he is being considerate

He knows you don't like driving and he does so is happy to do more than his fair share

Surely it would be more annoying if he was insisting that you do 50% of all family journeys

Hugasauras · 24/01/2022 12:46

I think it depends. My DH actively enjoys driving, he gets pleasure from it, whereas for me it's just about getting from A to B so he usually drives when we are both going somewhere just because he likes it and I'm happier reading my Kindle or doomscrolling in the passenger seat! So I suppose we do default to him in driver's seat, but I'm not an anxious driver, just a mercenary one!

If he knows you're anxious then maybe he's just trying to reduce the amount you do? Or in situations where he thinks it might be worse for you (long journey on an unfamiliar route).

If you actually want to drive then have you told him: 'No, I would like to get the practice so I'll do this part of the route.'?

LakeShoreD · 24/01/2022 12:48

If you’ve been really anxious about driving and actively been avoiding it then maybe he just doesn’t want to pressure you. Have you actually said to him that you feel ready to start doing more? Like when it came to dropping off your DC recently, what would happen if you insisted you’d be fine and actually did it as opposed to cracking open the wine?

RampantIvy · 24/01/2022 12:48

He is not being very supportive. When I first passed my test I wasn't a confident driver. DH encouraged me to drive out of my comfort zone, and I am forever grateful to him for that.

Unfortunately every single woman I know who has been married to a "no, I'll drive" man has come a cropper when their husbands were no longer able to drive, or when their husbands died.

You need to keep driving to gain confidence.

pickingdaisies · 24/01/2022 12:51

You can insist - "But I want to be able to drive your car - I'd enjoy it, and what about emergencies?"
Or just accept that he's having a hard time stepping back from your previous anxiety.
Fwiw, my DH is a terrible passenger.
Leads me to say things like
Shut up. And
You're not helping.
He drives a car that I find much too big to manoeuvre comfortably, so I tend not to drive it. I'm still insured for it though, just in case.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 12:51

Yes maybe you are right
Maybe he is being considerate
But as I volunteered I thought he might say oh okay if you fancy it!
I'm not sure its because he doesn't like being a passenger as he happily accepts lifts from his family including his mum And sister
And he asked his sister to do an errand recently but didnt question that she might not know the route!!!!

OP posts:
LakeShoreD · 24/01/2022 12:55

It’s probably just because it’s been such a big thing for you in the past and he doesn’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Insist next time!! If he waves you off then you’re fine. If he says he doesn’t trust you to drive the kids somewhere unfamiliar then you know there’s actually a problem.

RampantIvy · 24/01/2022 12:56

I don't think he is being considerate at all. He is being short sighted. If he was considerate he would encourage you to drive more to gain confidence. You can then share a long distance drive or take it in turns to be the driver on an evening out. DH's ulterior motive for me being able to drive was so that he could have a drink while out.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 12:57

His car is big too and I'm not insured on it
I did ask him to out me on when I passed my test.
He took that long to arrange it(denies it, but delaying tactics) that I went a bought a car of my own.
I dont think he wanted to risk me driving it. However he did offer to come with me in my car and support. And still would, but I've never taken him up on it and I wont now.

OP posts:
draramallama · 24/01/2022 12:58

Why would you not just tell him how you feel and that you would like the opportunity? That's the only thing I think you're unreasonable about.

Thistooshallpsss · 24/01/2022 13:00

I think you need to keep your anxiety to yourself and bump up journeys where he is not in the car even going out and doing the things you find hard by yourself. It’s very wearing to be driven by an anxious driver in my experience.

RB68 · 24/01/2022 13:02

Frankly the more practice you get the better, get on the insurance and tell him you are sharing the driving as you need to get on with it

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 13:03

It's strange as before I passed he would encourage me to learn to share journeys and if he wanted a drink.
Now I can drive, hes like no I dont mind/wont have a drink etc
I don't think he has much faith in me. Probably fuelled by me openly claiming I've hated it.
I think my solution is top talking about my fears.
Its funny though if he needs me to drive like when dc have clashing activities hes more than happy for me to do it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 13:03

@Thistooshallpsss

I think you need to keep your anxiety to yourself and bump up journeys where he is not in the car even going out and doing the things you find hard by yourself. It’s very wearing to be driven by an anxious driver in my experience.
I agree totally
OP posts:
gobbledygoook · 24/01/2022 13:04

Hmmm, he probably thinks he's being considerate.

IMO a family holiday and a long drive, is not the time to be driving huge distances if you're not the most confident driver.

I have a big car that I drive, I wouldn't be insuring someone on it who wasn't comfortable driving (even 12 months ago). If you think you'll need "experience" in his bigger car, he might be a bit worried / stressed about you driving it. I would be a terrible passenger if I was worried about my car and the person driving it - I'd end up passing all of my anxiety onto them, and probably would be a nightmare passenger!

If he's happy driving then I'd let him drive!

SuspiciousHumanoid · 24/01/2022 13:05

OP if you want to get more experience driving then just tell him. I’m always baffled by the number of women who come on here instead of just talking to their partner. Nobody can read your mind, and you shouldn’t expect them to try.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 13:08

I dont particularly want the experience. I was just being courteous and practical that it makes sense as I can actually drive now, as opposed to pre trips,to share a journey from one end of the country to another.

If he wants to drive hundreds of miles single handedly then he can crack on.
It just seems odd. Either I'm capable of driving it I'm not.

OP posts:
Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 24/01/2022 13:10

He might think you’re incompetent or he could just be trying to be considerate. You won’t know unless you communicate to him that you’d like to do some more driving.

Also that he said “I’ll drive all the way, I don’t mind” suggests that maybe he thought you were just offering because you felt he wouldn’t want to do the whole journey so he’s reassuring you, also if it’s a massive drive that’s quite a big jump from mainly doing local trips (I’m assuming that from what you wrote, sorry if that’s not correct) and maybe it just feels less stressful than him than going through the faff of getting you on the insurance.

Him being happy to be driven about by his mum and sister suggests it is more about him being considerate of you than anything else. Maybe indicate to him that you’re confident in driving, say “I’ll drive” when you’re both going out and set up your sat nav, if he starts giving direction remind him that you know (unless you don’t). It can be hard for people to see us in a new light if they’ve typically know us one way.

MrsTimRiggins · 24/01/2022 13:10

Sounds to me like he’s trying to be nice and not put you in a situation where you feel nervous or uncomfortable.
Or he’s a shit passenger, like my husband.
Or both.
If you’re not arsed about driving, there’s no need to make this into an argument or a source of bad feeling.

itwasntaparty · 24/01/2022 13:11

If we are going somewhere together DH drives. He's a shit passenger, pulls me up on my perfectly fine driving al the time, it's no fun for anyone. If he wants to martyr himself and drive to the south of France in one hit then so be it...

MummyWoodentop · 24/01/2022 13:11

His car is big too and I'm not insured on it

No car is too big - honestly modern cars with automatic gearboxes and beepbeepbeep when ever you get close to anything could not be easier.
Get a modern car - all singing all dancing - doesn't have to be big - and drive drive drive, reverse park, parallel park it etcetc It........just...... takes ...... practice ........ so get started now....

Freddiefox · 24/01/2022 13:12

I think you are being inconsistent, and ain’t really know why you want in terms of driving. But you expect him to read your mind.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 13:14

I dont want more experience as such. It was just me being practical in this situation
And really is there any point in being able to drive otherwise.
As for driving his car, I'm not especially interested.
I have told him about my anxiety
I've talked at length
He doesn't get it all, but has been supportive .
I dont say much these days though. Nd justvget on with it.
And I've never asked him to come with me on drives in case he makes a negative unhelpful comment.
I find it better just to do it by myself.

OP posts:
audweb · 24/01/2022 13:14

He probably thinks he’s being considerate. Even if in this thread I can’t work out whether you actually want to do it, or hate it and have anxiety, but feel like you should offer? And I’m sending it’s more the latter, so I’m not sure why you’re getting offended that he will do it himself.

Perhaps because you have such hatred and anxiety about it he’d rather just drive, as it might be more stressful being the passenger in his case. I know that’s how I would feel.