Page 3 | To think DH thinks I'm incompetent

Thistooshallpsss · 24/01/2022 14:05

Mmmm I don’t want to undermine you op but having had a partner lose his license for medical reasons and then got it back I find his anxiety very worrying behind a wheel. There’s a massive difference in skills needed to drive short local journeys you know well and long motorway journeys at speed when all sorts of unexpected events can happen so pushing your comfort zone by yourself and keep on doing it is the only way to get better and give your passengers confidence in you. Your husband may be unsupportive I can’t tell but you need to take the initiative here. I have to do all the driving now I don’t like it but it’s the safest option.

alfagirl73 · 24/01/2022 14:07

How does your driving anxiety present itself when you're in the car? Do you perhaps panic more than you think? It can be quite stressful being a passenger of a nervous driver. I generally love the opportunity to be the passenger for once, but I know a couple of anxious drivers and I much as I love them, I hate being a passenger in their cars because of how they react to everything.

MegBusset · 24/01/2022 14:14

Think you need to be a bit firmer OP

"I'm putting myself on the big car insurance"
"I'm taking the big car out for a practice drive"
"I want to share the driving, how's this service station for a swapover"

And practice practice practice until you are no longer anxious.

Tohaveandtohold · 24/01/2022 14:14

To be fair, DH does all journeys when we’re travelling together because he’s such a bad passenger. We’re insured on each other’s car and drive both but I always prefer he does the long journeys really.
He does an almost 200 mile round trip once a week for work and long distance travelling does not faze him.
I’m a confident driver but if I’m going to someplace new, I always plan my journey, etc but for him, it just comes naturally so I don’t worry if he drives when we go on trips

trevthecat · 24/01/2022 14:21

I have been driving a long time, I am a Confident driver who loves driving. Dh always drives if we are together. He hates being a passenger! I would think the same of your dh

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 24/01/2022 14:22

@Iusedtobecarmen

I've posted before about my driving anxiety. Long story. Late learner Limited journeys. Avoidance. However, I am a billion times better than I was say 12 months ago.

In all fairness, theres not many places in the last year I've actually needed to go

Dh has a big family car so he does family trips. Very experienced driver and not fazed by anything.
Anyhow!! I feel that he treats my driving as if I'm some little old lady making trips to the supermarket or such like
Even more limited than I'm capable of.
He will occasionally rely on me to take DC to various local ish extra curricular activities.
So I think he thinks its useful I can drive if necessary.
But maybe doesnt trust me to do anything more challenging. My own fault I suppose as I've stressed so much about driving

The other day I I offered to drop one of the DC somewhere and he said he would go as I wouldn't know where it was! )I have a sat nav FFS).
Suits me as I got to crack open the wine.

Anyway, last night we were discussing a family holiday and a place very far away that I love but a massive drive.
I suggested getting put on his insurance and sharing some of the journey. After getting some experience with his bigger car first
His response was no its fine. I will drive all of the way , I dont mind.
I feel irrationally annoyed. I'm not going to say anything but I'm waiting or the next comment when I will.
Am I being oversensitve?

He needs to stop being so controlling about it. I'd have agreed to your suggestion of dropping someone off. You're never going to dissipate your anxieties by not driving. He should be helping you via encouragement.

We're going to Ascot this weekend I'll drive there, she'll drive back, or we might swap. The only time she wouldn't drive is in my remapped car, she said it was too fast.

dottydodah · 24/01/2022 14:26

I feel that many men still like to drive ,esp on long car journeys .I have been driving for 20 odd years ,but dont do long journeys very often . If you are new to driving it can be unnerving to drive for your DP, he has been used to it for a long while .

Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 15:06

@trevthecat
I'd say that ordinarily

However, for years he said how I need to learn so as it's not all him doing the driving

Now I can drive, hes insisting on doing it all!!!!

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Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 15:09

@MegBusset

Think you need to be a bit firmer OP

"I'm putting myself on the big car insurance"
"I'm taking the big car out for a practice drive"
"I want to share the driving, how's this service station for a swapover"

And practice practice practice until you are no longer anxious.

I dont think he wants his premiums to go up if I'm honest. He pays his car insurance and its low. Me going on would increase it That's why I couldn't be arsed with it all and got my own car.

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RampantIvy · 24/01/2022 15:45

I feel that many men still like to drive ,esp on long car journeys

Probably true. Unfortunately DH really loathes driving so I do 99% of the driving. He hates driving so much that he would rather stay home than go somewhere interesting.

RantyAunty · 24/01/2022 15:47

I think I would insist a bit more.

On the long trips, you can just drive as much as you want even if it's 20 minutes.

Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 16:13

@RantyAunty
I cant though ,as I'm not on his insurance
That's fine
I just offered for this particular holiday as a long drive but he doesnt seem keen
So unless I go on insurance (I'm not begging for it) I cant use his car.
I dont want to anyway,as I've got my own.
Just thought I'd branch out and offer for the long drive as it's a bit of a one off.
I'm not fussed about any sort of practice in it on a day to day basis as I have my own car for that.

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sanbeiji · 24/01/2022 20:21

[quote Iusedtobecarmen]@RantyAunty
I cant though ,as I'm not on his insurance
That's fine
I just offered for this particular holiday as a long drive but he doesnt seem keen
So unless I go on insurance (I'm not begging for it) I cant use his car.
I dont want to anyway,as I've got my own.
Just thought I'd branch out and offer for the long drive as it's a bit of a one off.
I'm not fussed about any sort of practice in it on a day to day basis as I have my own car for that.[/quote]
You can get temporary cover for the trip as a one off.
Who pays the rest of his car costs is it all him

Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 24/01/2022 22:32

Yes he pays for all if his car costs
I pay for all of mine
I know I can get temp insurance and that's what i would down.
He doeant seem to want me to and all of a sudden he's happy to drive literally hundreds of miles when he has a choice. UP to him.
All I can say is, thank God I have my own car.

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MrsClatterbuck · 24/01/2022 23:23

Regardless of anything else he should really put you on his insurance. Going such a long way away if anything happens like him being unwell or breaking a bone you might have to drive. And there is no guarantee that can't happen.

ElegantlyTouched · 24/01/2022 23:43

It's odd. Almost controlling, in a way. He's choosing when, and to where, you can drive.

During half term can you take your children somewhere for the day without him, somewhere a good distance away? Just to prove to yourself you can do it?

(In comparison, I passed end of last year. DP insured me on his car and asked if I'm talking it on a trip I should be doing next month, 1200 miles all told.)

LampLighter414 · 25/01/2022 00:45

Are you the poster who parks as far away from the supermarket in the emptiest area possible in the car park and struggled to make routine simple journeys due to your anxiety with driving?

If so YABU because from what I remember everything people were suggesting you'd tried and you were struggling to make a real improvement to your confidence.

I wouldn't feel comfortable as a passenger with you and even less so on completely unfamiliar roads on a long journey.

AffIt · 25/01/2022 01:00

I bloody love driving (and I'm very good at it), but I'm not a good passenger - I get car-sick, too.

To be honest, if somebody had spent a long time telling me how anxious they were about driving, how much they disliked it etc, and then in the next breath that they'd take over part of a 4/500-mile journey on unfamiliar, fast roads and motorways, I'd probably nope out, because they'd start making me nervous, too.

Have you thought about getting additional lessons, such as motorway lessons, with a driving instructor? I don't think they do PassPlus any more, but a good driving school would probably give you the opportunity to learn more advanced skills in a safe way, which would build your confidence.

Topseyt · 25/01/2022 02:39

I can't really say that this would bother me at all.

DH quite likes driving, I don't particularly. So he normally drives when we go any distance.

We do have a car each. We used to both be on the insurance for each car but now we don't bother with that. Neither of us particularly wants to drive the other's car so I have my insurance, he has his.

It suits us that way and we don't want to change it.

Sandinmyknickers · 25/01/2022 05:54

Why can't you drive your car on the family holiday and avoid this whole insurance going up?
How much stuff do you have that a car (albeit a small one) can't fit it?! A lot of folks (myself included) go on holiday on the train. Maybe adopt the "if you can't carry it, its not coming" attitude to packing, and take your car

Fucket · 25/01/2022 06:19

I do all our long distance driving because DH has limited motorway experience and is a crap motorway driver, by his own admission he gets bored and decelerates and talks instead of concentrating. He’d happily pootle along at 60 with hgvs up our bum.

DH can do the local drive I will do the rest.

Anxious drivers do crazy shit like stop at the end of slip roads, and I swear I never want to get in a car with that lady again! I thought I was going to die!

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 25/01/2022 06:38

It sounds like you are transferring some of your anxious thoughts into anger against him.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong here.

You clearly have had issues around driving for a long time, and now you are taking it out on him for not 'letting' you drive.

Babymamamama · 25/01/2022 08:42

It can be really scary being a passenger with someone who doesn’t have the skills or confidence to drive in certain situations. I remember years ago a newly qualified driver insisting on going on the motorway but not having the skill to change lane or get up to speed with the other vehicles. It was truly terrifying. If you aren’t confident maybe get some more lessons with the bigger car rather than building up your confidence with your family in situ on a long family expedition. He’s trying to protect you from yourself is what I think. If you need more skill and experience that’s up to you to sort.

Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 25/01/2022 10:18

@MrsClatterbuck

Regardless of anything else he should really put you on his insurance. Going such a long way away if anything happens like him being unwell or breaking a bone you might have to drive. And there is no guarantee that can't happen.

Maybe. But I couldn't drive at all previously and it was a chance we took in long journeys. I don't actually have a desire to drive his car at all. I have my own car which is lovely. It was more a suggestion as he has previously complained about long holiday trips. But apparently now he doesnt mind!

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Original poster

Iusedtobecarmen · 25/01/2022 10:22

@LampLighter414

Are you the poster who parks as far away from the supermarket in the emptiest area possible in the car park and struggled to make routine simple journeys due to your anxiety with driving?

If so YABU because from what I remember everything people were suggesting you'd tried and you were struggling to make a real improvement to your confidence.

I wouldn't feel comfortable as a passenger with you and even less so on completely unfamiliar roads on a long journey.

Er that was me. Yes. Thanks for your unhelpful comments I'm actually a million times better now.and I dont really do all of those things. I dont really drive a huge amount. I drive every day but only shops/school/work. Mainly walk a lot out of habit and enjoying it and I hate lazy ppl who drive to the corner shop! And bigger trips we go in the big car due to us being a.family of 6 plus 2 dogs. My car is very small and wouldn't carry us all even if I wanted

Wouldn't be big enough for a family holiday

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