To think DH thinks I'm incompetent

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I've posted before about my driving anxiety. Long story. Late learner
Limited journeys. Avoidance.
However, I am a billion times better than I was say 12 months ago.

In all fairness, theres not many places in the last year I've actually needed to go

Dh has a big family car so he does family trips. Very experienced driver and not fazed by anything.
Anyhow!! I feel that he treats my driving as if I'm some little old lady making trips to the supermarket or such like
Even more limited than I'm capable of.
He will occasionally rely on me to take DC to various local ish extra curricular activities.
So I think he thinks its useful I can drive if necessary.
But maybe doesnt trust me to do anything more challenging. My own fault I suppose as I've stressed so much about driving

The other day I I offered to drop one of the DC somewhere and he said he would go as I wouldn't know where it was! )I have a sat nav FFS).
Suits me as I got to crack open the wine.

Anyway, last night we were discussing a family holiday and a place very far away that I love but a massive drive.
I suggested getting put on his insurance and sharing some of the journey. After getting some experience with his bigger car first
His response was no its fine. I will drive all of the way , I dont mind.
I feel irrationally annoyed. I'm not going to say anything but I'm waiting or the next comment when I will.
Am I being oversensitve?

He probably doesn't want you touching his big manly penis extension car.

My neighbour is like this. He doesn't let his partner drive his big man's car. He was also absolutely horrified when my DH told him that our bigger car is actually mine. He said (and I quote) "You let her drive it?". We'll I do legally own it so yes I am allowed to drive my own car.

Probably yes,now you have said it

I think he is being considerate and trying to make your life less stressful. Take the win! If you want more experience for your own peace of mind then definitely go for it but I don’t think it needs to be made in to an issue.

I think this sums it up.
I dont really want to drive his big, unfamiliar car, but I tried to overcome this to helpful
If he had said "oh okay, that would be good, maybe we start practicing "
Or even if he had said ok if you are sure, but I dont mind.
It's odd as the last time we went on this holiday he said I cant do that journey again!!!
I kind of just think whether I like it or not it makes practical sense to share a trip

If you don’t actually want to do more driving then sorry but what actually is the problem? If you want to drive somewhere then say so and do it. If you don’t and he’s happy to do it then that’s also fine isn’t it? What exactly is it that you want from him?

I guess yes you ae quite right
I confuse myself tbh
I think I'm much better with my anxiety and I do drive lot more now. However, I'm still not at the stage when driving anywhere is still non issue
I Want to do more but i still have some avoidance

I.guess he can see that and it doesn't exactly fill him with confidence.

Once you’ve been branded an anxious driver it’s very hard to get people to change their minds, especially if you’ve gone on about it at length.

Your husband may think he’s being supportive but subconsciously yes, he thinks you’re incompetent.

Never tell people anything or rely on them for help. Prove it. Go on long journeys yourself, maybe get a pass plus course.

Well I cant driv his car when I'm not insured and he never comes in mine with me. And mine is too small for a family trip

My husband was a late driver. I still tend to do the long journeys because they stress him out and as a result I find them more stressful too. Could there be an element of this?
It takes time to switch the dynamic. We are at three years now and he's driving every day now so he's taken on a lot more locally.
Is there a compromise on long journeys like you do the more familiar bit on the way out and then switch after say as hour so you get a bit of experience but can then relax?
How much every day driving are you doing? I think if you up this the longer stuff will come more naturally

Also OP I’m a nervous driver too, just passed, but my family are brilliant drivers and think I’m incompetent.

It’s damaging, but I’m just getting out there, driving and proving them wrong. Cheered on by the fact that next time we visit…if they annoy me… I’ll just drive away instead of being trapped in their house.

I cant tell you how much I agree with this!!!
I need actions not words dont I?!
I had some refresher lessons ages ago but I've come on loads since then I think.
But I think that I need a proper course.
I want to tackle it all!!

He's being passive -aggressively territorial over his car. You could be put on his insurance temporarily (foot in the door) and if the drive is so long there are bound to be some relatively easy stretches where you could take over the driving to let him have a break....as the best known motoring organisations advise. I think you need to be more assertive and use logical reasoning...its a good chance to gain experience etc. Good luck, you CAN do it

Good for you!
I love it

Maybe he thinks you're not a very safe driver but doesn't want to say that and upset you? I wouldn't want my DC getting in a car with an anxious driver, especially for a long journey.

This was my thinking
I know the journey as I'm an excellent navigator (as a passenger)
And I said could do some easier quieter stretches.
But no, old Lewis Hamilton wants to do the lot. Fine. I'd rather sit watching the scenery anyway

I think you need to speak up for yourself more, you come across a bit passive in the conversations about driving.
You offer to take child somewhere, he says you don't know where it is. You could have spoken up that you'll manage it with the sat nav.
You offer to do half of the holiday driving, he says he doesn't mind doing it all. You could have spoken up that you know he doesn't mind but you also don't mind and it would be good to share it.
If he's only known you to be an anxious new driver, how will he know that you're ok with it unless you speak up.

@MerryPoppings

Maybe he thinks you're not a very safe driver but doesn't want to say that and upset you? I wouldn't want my DC getting in a car with an anxious driver, especially for a long journey.

Well OP isn’t going to just rock up and drive on the day, is she? She’d have driven the car before, maybe a bit of the route, etc. Furthermore OP is used to driving her kids in the car.

Saying let’s give it a try, see how it goes etc is fair enough but just ‘nope I don’t mind’ is ???

To be fair to him he may need some stronger correction r.e your desire to drive but it’s always good to have two drivers. Driver fatigue will restrict your journeys

I suspect that like many (mostly male) drivers, your husband hates relinquishing control of his car. Your level of competency will have nothing to do with it.

And OP's wish for more agency is perfectly legitimate.

Sorry I've just realised that none if my quotes work so cant see who I'm replying to!
Oh well they have all been very relevant and helpful!!!

@sanbeiji
Yes I drive the kids all the time..
Granted not far, but im safe enough apparently when it suits me. Either I am or I'm not!!
And yes I cant just rock up and drive his car when I've barely been in it and I'm not insured!
All this is my own doing tbh
Being openly anxious and questioning everything
If I'd just got in the car from day one and driven off like normal people I wouldn't be in the position I am.

"The other day I I offered to drop one of the DC somewhere and he said he would go as I wouldn't know where it was! )I have a sat nav FFS).
Suits me as I got to crack open the wine."

This is why I put YABU. You backed down too quickly... making him think you don't really want to drive. In this scenario just say "Nah, I'll drive" and then do it.

You're looking to him to support you in something that you are more than capable of doing without help. Once you make it a habit, I'm sure he'll sort out the insurance because he'll know you do want to drive.

If you constantly say how scared you are and how nervous driving makes you, tbh I’d be a bit nervous to go anywhere that’s not a small local journey with you too! Just say you’re over your fear now, sort the insurance (surely you can ring yourself?) and tell him you’re taking his car for a spin, he will be there in a flash in the passenger seat!

Zoemum
V. True
I'm I'm sounding like a drip.
I'm not
I did say to him i have a bloody sat nav!!!

Just let him do it, even if you feel anxious do not share that with him as this will make him anxious to let you do more.
I'm a confident driver and dh always likes to do the long driving journeys. His only complaint about me is that I go too fast over speed bumps, he wants me to go over at a snails pace ffs!! I can walk faster 🤣