To think DH thinks I'm incompetent

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I've posted before about my driving anxiety. Long story. Late learner
Limited journeys. Avoidance.
However, I am a billion times better than I was say 12 months ago.

In all fairness, theres not many places in the last year I've actually needed to go

Dh has a big family car so he does family trips. Very experienced driver and not fazed by anything.
Anyhow!! I feel that he treats my driving as if I'm some little old lady making trips to the supermarket or such like
Even more limited than I'm capable of.
He will occasionally rely on me to take DC to various local ish extra curricular activities.
So I think he thinks its useful I can drive if necessary.
But maybe doesnt trust me to do anything more challenging. My own fault I suppose as I've stressed so much about driving

The other day I I offered to drop one of the DC somewhere and he said he would go as I wouldn't know where it was! )I have a sat nav FFS).
Suits me as I got to crack open the wine.

Anyway, last night we were discussing a family holiday and a place very far away that I love but a massive drive.
I suggested getting put on his insurance and sharing some of the journey. After getting some experience with his bigger car first
His response was no its fine. I will drive all of the way , I dont mind.
I feel irrationally annoyed. I'm not going to say anything but I'm waiting or the next comment when I will.
Am I being oversensitve?

It sounds like he can't win no matter what he does. I think if you've spoken at length about you're driving anxiety he probably thinks it's easier on you if he volunteers.
Why don't you take your car on the trip then you dont need to worry about the insurance.

@AffIt

I bloody love driving (and I'm very good at it), but I'm not a good passenger - I get car-sick, too.

To be honest, if somebody had spent a long time telling me how anxious they were about driving, how much they disliked it etc, and then in the next breath that they'd take over part of a 4/500-mile journey on unfamiliar, fast roads and motorways, I'd probably nope out, because they'd start making me nervous, too.

Have you thought about getting additional lessons, such as motorway lessons, with a driving instructor? I don't think they do PassPlus any more, but a good driving school would probably give you the opportunity to learn more advanced skills in a safe way, which would build your confidence.

I wasnt intending to do any of that! I dont particularly want to drive .to the holiday at all. It was me being courteous and practical as I can now drive

So makes sense to do a bit of the journey

I was thinking some of the quieter.roads. There are some long stretches.that I'm sure I'd be perfectly capable of in my own car. The only issue.is the bigger car which I would have practiced in first.
I also do drive on dual carriageway quite often and 50mph. So what's the difference?I wasnt planning on motorway driving.
However, perhaps you have answered.my question. DH probably does think I'm incompetent.

@traintraveller

It sounds like he can't win no matter what he does. I think if you've spoken at length about you're driving anxiety he probably thinks it's easier on you if he volunteers. Why don't you take your car on the trip then you dont need to worry about the insurance.

Yes maybe you are right

I dont really talk about being anxious so much now.
My argument is that he clearly thinks I'm capable enough to take DC places when it suits him. Alone.
However, an hour or so driving with him with me is ridiculous.
So he needs to make his mind up.
I wouldn't take my car too as totally pointless.

OP I think you’ve got your answer. Probably best to step away from thread now.
At first I thought you wanted to drive, but now you don’t really want to. You’re just upset at his assessment of your ability.

Driving anxiety is very personal and while anxious drivers shouldn’t be on roads it’s fixable. My mum and a lot of her cohort were anxious drivers (stemming from the constant criticism of the men in their family, who made a big deal out of normal learner mistakes).

*zzz posted before I’d finished typing!

If the root cause of your anxiety is understood it’s fixable.

Anywya you’ll probably just get a pile on here related to your driving so…

Pp have given good advice r e motorway driving lessons and taking your car out on your own

@sanbeiji

OP I think you’ve got your answer. Probably best to step away from thread now. At first I thought you wanted to drive, but now you don’t really want to. You’re just upset at his assessment of your ability.

Driving anxiety is very personal and while anxious drivers shouldn’t be on roads it’s fixable. My mum and a lot of her cohort were anxious drivers (stemming from the constant criticism of the men in their family, who made a big deal out of normal learner mistakes).

Yea I agree I wouldnt describe myself as an anxious driver now. More limited I'd say. I didn't come on here for posters to criticise. More to see if DH was BU.

I dont especially want to drive his old cumbersome car,but I thought normal couples who can both drive shared long trips.
However, it seems by me saying that I was once anxious, means I'm forever deemed useless or even dangerous by some.

Interesting as.surely most people dont do long journeys and certainly motorways for the first time full if confidence.
Motorway driving has only recently been part of driving lessons!
And I know not one single.person in RL, DH included, who has had extra lessons/passplus!!
However, I do agree that they may be useful to me for my own benefit. Not for DH. And let's hope he isnt in the situation where he cant drive at any time. As I wont be helping him out. I will keep my car. And he can keep his!!

@Iusedtobecarmen
A lot of people either go on motorways with someone patient + experienced
Or just drive like shit on motorways until they improve, usually other drivers are good at avoiding people who don’t know what they’re doing to prevent accidents.

On thé surface it seems that needing additional lessons mean you’re bad, but actual its the opposite.

Especially if you have nobody to teach you. I don’t have anyone and so will be taking pass plus, I see no shame.

Also don’t bother listening to other people.
For one driving nowadays is very different from when most older people learnt to drive, more traffic and road anomalies.

For another driving seems to be an ego exercise. Even on learner channels you’ll see a lot of people lying and bragging. The most common ‘oh I passed with 10 hours of lessons’ but turns out they drove daddy’s car everywhere for 6 months, and 10 hours was with an instructor.

*also I mean not motorways necessarily but A roads etc.
The amount of near misses people have had.. that slipped out of their mouths when they’ve had a bit to drink
Sober all these people claim they’re such great drivers

@sanbeiji
I totally agree.
No shame whatsoever. Even if you are a good driver, you could become a great driver with lessons!!
I might be inexperienced but I can spot a dangerous driver, and there are many by me!
And yes, yes to all those who claim to have had like 10 lessons and passed, were absolutely driving around and tinkering about in their dads car.My DH included

OP, you say you are a million times better than you were, but still you only drive school, shop, work etc, you then go on to say that you are sure you'd be capable of driving on some stretches in your own car! You then proudly proclaim you drive on dual carriages and at 50 mph! You proclaim this is something to be proud of!
Sorry I am with your husband.

No I don't only drive to these places!!
That's mainly all I need on a day to day basis
As I when I need to I drive to say big shopping centre its a 50mph road.
But that's not daily

Work is 10 ish miles and on a very busy dual carriageway several times a week

@MakeMineALarge1

OP, you say you are a million times better than you were, but still you only drive school, shop, work etc, you then go on to say that you are sure you'd be capable of driving on some stretches in your own car! You then proudly proclaim you drive on dual carriages and at 50 mph! You proclaim this is something to be proud of! Sorry I am with your husband.

Read my posts properly For a start I live near a city centre I dont routinely have to drive very far for anything. Everything- shops schools etc are very accessible. This applies to DH also. If I need to go somewhere else I do. But its not daily or weekly routine. Again, I'm deemed not capable due to not normally doing it. Ive seen posters on this site saying they passed their test, picked up their car from 100miles away and drove home!!

I have read your posts, and picked up the salient points.

I think you should stop worrying or caring about whether your DH thinks you are a bad driver. That's his opinion, sounds like you've really improved and his opinion is now wrong. But his opinion isn't impacting you, nor is he openly saying you are bad or making fun of you.

You don't need to convince your dp you are great, it's between you and the DVLA.

It would be great if our DPs totally loved and respected us 1000% and thought we were great at everything. But that's not real life. We all have things we don't like about our dp or think they are bad at. So long as we aren't being horrible over it.

@MakeMineALarge1

OP, you say you are a million times better than you were, but still you only drive school, shop, work etc, you then go on to say that you are sure you'd be capable of driving on some stretches in your own car! You then proudly proclaim you drive on dual carriages and at 50 mph! You proclaim this is something to be proud of! Sorry I am with your husband.

You’d be surprised at how it’s possible to get by with a max of 30mph in many places. With no dual carriageways.

I’m in a city centre and shockingly even the driving test has only 3 routes (‘the most difficult’) with roundabouts and a 50 mph road. Another test Center which is in the middle of a residential area (no kidding ) has no major roundabouts at all. 100% mini roundabouts, large portion of test involves pootling along at 20 and stopping at various traffic lights, people usually fail for speeding/meeting situations, cyclist overtaking or confusing/damaged road signs and markings.
One reason being speed decreases is a ‘cheap’ way to prevent accidents, many roads in the area have had speed reduced. When the centres were made road used to be 40/50, then decreased to 30.

Of course this makes no sense to people in different areas. I watch DGN driving in YouTube quite a lot and most mock tests have quite a few major roads and roundabouts. Way different from my test centres.

It’s another reason I’m taking pass plus, I don’t think passing the test where I did is enough (my instructor did take me to various larger roads not on the test route but ofc not as often as the test routes). Most other people I know were taken on these by their parents/partners.

Also this concept of not needing to drive above 30 is foreign to people not in city centres!
Quite a few people I met didn’t believe it until they spent a week at mine where we went tonloads of places, a major shopping centre leisure Center.

By the end they saw what I meant.

For them even the drive to a single garden centre involves a dual carriageway.

@LimeSegment

I think you should stop worrying or caring about whether your DH thinks you are a bad driver. That's his opinion, sounds like you've really improved and his opinion is now wrong. But his opinion isn't impacting you, nor is he openly saying you are bad or making fun of you.

You don't need to convince your dp you are great, it's between you and the DVLA.

It would be great if our DPs totally loved and respected us 1000% and thought we were great at everything. But that's not real life. We all have things we don't like about our dp or think they are bad at. So long as we aren't being horrible over it.

Yes I guess so. He doesn't comment on my driving

I suppose i was just offended as I offered to maybe help on a long journey, something he has previously wanted me to do.

Only for him to say no it's okay. If he had said oh I know you dont like driving, but thanks it's ok.
Or okay ,if you fancy doing a easy stretch.
But to bullshit and claim its totally okay is insulting.
But that's fine!
I'm not asking for opinions on my driving ability on here. I'm perfectly capable of working out my limits myself.

@sanbeiji

Also this concept of not needing to drive above 30 is foreign to people not in city centres! Quite a few people I met didn’t believe it until they spent a week at mine where we went tonloads of places, a major shopping centre leisure Center.

By the end they saw what I meant.

For them even the drive to a single garden centre involves a dual carriageway.

Yes this^^

But driving isn't about being comfortable on familiar routes and set times, its about adapting to different weather, different conditions, different roads, changes in road users etc there are hundreds of variables.

@RampantIvy

He is not being very supportive. When I first passed my test I wasn't a confident driver. DH encouraged me to drive out of my comfort zone, and I am forever grateful to him for that.

Unfortunately every single woman I know who has been married to a "no, I'll drive" man has come a cropper when their husbands were no longer able to drive, or when their husbands died.

You need to keep driving to gain confidence.

Couldn't agree more. Increasingly find that I am picking up the slack from friends who can drive - but won't.

@MakeMineALarge1

But driving isn't about being comfortable on familiar routes and set times, its about adapting to different weather, different conditions, different roads, changes in road users etc there are hundreds of variables.

Yes - all of which come from with practice. Also you make it sound like

I wouldnt describe myself as an anxious driver now. More limited I'd say
I didn't come on here for posters to criticise. More to see if DH was BU

Firstly, I have huge admiration for anyone who learns to drive later in life - it's bad enough learning as a teen, when you think you're immortal, and you are less aware of what idiots other drivers are.

But you do sound as if you were exceptionally anxious at the start. That's bound to have rubbed off on your DH. It's disingenuous to ask whether he is BU now without explaining how anxious you used to be.

*like people need to memorise everything, not true. All these ‘hundreds of variables’ are just variations on a theme.

Drive in different times, places and conditions will mature one as a driver.
The conflation between a ‘bad’ and ‘inexperienced’ driver is relevant .

A bad driver doesn’t car, drive indiscriminately, unsafe. An inexperienced driver will impro

Improve.

I don’t think anybody who has passed
the test is truly a bad driver.
Just that some people don’t t care.
Others may take a longer time to improve or are too anxious.
But eventually all is possible.
Btw I drive like I did on my test. Mirror signal manoeuvre obey speed.

So many people speed, don’t signal et etc. Fair enough if council stupidly reduced speed limit but if th at s what it is you can’t ignore it

Honestly OP im with your husband. My husband is a nervous driver, doesn’t like unfamiliar journeys and as a result is much less experienced thank me. I do all driving for holidays/days out which suits me fine. It’s really anxious being a passenger with someone who’s so nervous and lacking in confidence.