If you have ever said ‘It will be different when it’s your own’

[ScheherazadesTales]

What did you mean by it

An aunt keeps asking when I’m going to have babies. I don’t want children, I never did. Most people have stopped asking but this lady is in her 80’s and is persistent but I don’t want to be rude and tell her to fuck off.

At a family gathering this weekend she was at it again. I said there isn’t a single part of motherhood I’m interested in- I don’t want to experience pregnancy, labour, breast feeding, changing shitty nappies. I listed all my reasons from baby years to adult years and kept it balanced by mentioning the positive ones too like unconditional love, first smile and hugs.

I don’t usually go on like this but most people stop asking quite quickly and judge me silently (or behind my back to others) Not her, she won’t let it go and always end with it’s different when it’s your own.

What does she mean by that? That I would suddenly love the endless amount cleaning or tantrums because the human was pushed out of me?

Oh I hate the idea that women are being relentlessly badgered to reproduce when they don't want to. Your aunt sounds like someone I'd either start avoiding or would just blow my top and tell her shut the f up.

"It's different when you have your own" is only justifiable when you want kids but equally find other kids annoying.

Well, yes

Or not really that you enjoy the cleaning and tantrums just more that it’s all worth it when it’s for your children, you’d do anything for them

But if you don’t want children you don’t want children, stop justifying it to people

It's not that simple.
And if they lady is in her 80s - well conversations like yours didn't happen so frequently that long ago.

Also, for asking this on mn

If I went around telling people who don't like dogs that they should get a puppy because "it's different when it's your own" then I'd be considered unhinged.

She needs to be told to drop the topic.

Unlike in her day, thankfully, we have reliable methods by which we can control our fertility.

It’s all different- they’re literally made of you so it all feels meaningful and important and you get actual tearful joy from them doing their first regular human things - everything’s a miracle.

BUT yeah, I think these women gloss over the fact that it’s also a whole lot of bullshit mixed in with that. The first few years can feel like mental torture. Pregnancy can feel like a terrible illness. Parenting as a whole is a whole weight of responsibility that you can’t even describe. Your life and body are never the same.

I think people who judge childfree women are usually those who had children and spent their lifetime wondering what their world would have been like without them.

Maybe she means when it's your own there's no way out so you have to like it or lump it?

She’s of the time when people just had kids and actively choosing not to was pretty unheard of. Perhaps a slightly patronising “well times have changed you know” next time!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Oh I hate the idea that women are being relentlessly badgered to reproduce when they don't want to. Your aunt sounds like someone I'd either start avoiding or would just blow my top and tell her shut the f up.

"It's different when you have your own" is only justifiable when you want kids but equally find other kids annoying.

This, really. It’s a fair point if you want kids but are worried about it in some way. If you don’t, then you don’t.

Best way I can describe it is like a biological fascination. I was quite anxious when I had a baby because I had never liked holding other people’s babies, was worried about dealing with bodily fluids, and found playing with children tedious. But with my son it’s all just natural. It has to be, really.

Your aunt sounds like many people of her generation when the choice to not have children was a very difficult one to follow. Smile and nod and change the subject.

@user313213521

If I went around telling people who don't like dogs that they should get a puppy because "it's different when it's your own" then I'd be considered unhinged.

She needs to be told to drop the topic.

Unlike in her day, thankfully, we have reliable methods by which we can control our fertility.

This!

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

Why? There are people on here that say they regret having children, or that they don't enjoy parenthood.

OP, stand your ground. If that's how you feel, that's perfectly fine. No one should be pestering you. People need to mind their own business.

Well, tell her to stop badgering you about babies, you’re not having any.

I was happily childfree till 40, and would never dream of suggesting other people have children. My life was just as fulfilling before I had DS, fabulous though he is. As someone who had no interest in having children, but who in fact is finding parenthood interesting, my only insight into the issue is that parenthood looks quite different from the outside than it feels when experiencing it — like most things. The chores and tantrums are visible to passersby, the interesting stuff is not.

That is not, obviously, any reason to have children you don’t want.

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

for your tedious "contribution" to this thread

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

Yeah, because we’re all in thrall to our reproductive processes and offspring here, and the childless and childfree are turned away at the door.

I just think saying you don't want them is fine and leave it at that.

Don't pretend you can summarise the whole experience by some bullet points for and against, its reductive and intensely irritating.

It is different when it's your own because its so relentless and you get no break.

The only thing I found "different when it's your own" is that nobody else is going to clean up the poo/puke/bogeys. Other people's kids you get to run away from that. When it's your child's disgusting bodily secretions you just have to hold your nose and deal with it.

I don't think there's any point looking into exactly what she means and even less so whether she has any kind of point - she doesn't. And I say that as someone who loves motherhood and doesn't have a single regret about having my own children. You don't want children. That's the end of the matter, it's an entirely valid (as valid as wanting children) and complete position in and of itself. It's not open to debate so whether or not her argument makes any sense is a total red herring.

She's being incredibly rude, but I would just walk away when she starts this conversation again - you're not going to convince her and it's the politest way to tell her to shut up.

I think what she means is that all of the bad shit is worth it when you get the benefits as well (love, cuddles, chat, comedy etc). Which for most people is true otherwise we’d be extinct! But that doesn’t mean she’s right, and that you’re wrong. However at that age my guess is she’ll keep saying it so I think you’re just going to have to learn the nod and smile technique and not over analyse it!

I’ve never understood people trying to pressure people who don’t want children into having them. Sure it’s far better for everyone involved if the only people having children are those who truly want them. Children are hard work, expensive, all-consuming and limiting. If you want them, then that’s worth it and you are happy to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. If you don’t then it’s just a needless burden and potentially a source of huge regret.

I wouldn’t engage any more with this aunt on the subject. You say you don’t want to be rude, but she clearly isn’t concerned about that. If you give her reasons, she can try to refute those reasons. If you stick with ‘we’ve already discussed this. I don’t want children’ and change the subject there’s nothing for her to discuss.

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

I have no children either. Can I also have a biscuit?

I hate the idea that just because someone is in their 80’s they are incapable of grasping the concept! My nan is 93 and perfectly able to understand that different people want different things.

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

Why exactly isn’t this question allowed?

When were you made a moderator?

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

Why? Surely a forum mostly full of people who are mums is the perfect place to ask this question!

In the nicest way, it’s probably not about you specifically. She’s (probably subconsciously) confirming to a strong societal notion that women just aren’t complete without a baby. That it doesn’t matter how hard it is, it’ll all be worth it for your own child. It’s probably just impossible for her to fathom, because actively choosing not to have a child when she was 20 was unheard of. ‘It’s different when it’s your own’ is one of many tired phrases said over the years to keep women reproducing.