If you have ever said ‘It will be different when it’s your own’

[ScheherazadesTales]

What did you mean by it

An aunt keeps asking when I’m going to have babies. I don’t want children, I never did. Most people have stopped asking but this lady is in her 80’s and is persistent but I don’t want to be rude and tell her to fuck off.

At a family gathering this weekend she was at it again. I said there isn’t a single part of motherhood I’m interested in- I don’t want to experience pregnancy, labour, breast feeding, changing shitty nappies. I listed all my reasons from baby years to adult years and kept it balanced by mentioning the positive ones too like unconditional love, first smile and hugs.

I don’t usually go on like this but most people stop asking quite quickly and judge me silently (or behind my back to others) Not her, she won’t let it go and always end with it’s different when it’s your own.

What does she mean by that? That I would suddenly love the endless amount cleaning or tantrums because the human was pushed out of me?

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Your aunt is old-fashioned and not everyone wants to have children. One of my sons knew from the age of 18 that he never wanted kids. He's almost 38 now and enjoys having time/money/freedom to do what he likes.

As someone who is not interested in babies or children, I am different as I have always wanted my own. And whilst I agree I love my kids and being a mum I still struggle to cope with other people's kids and babies

So I agree it is different when they are your own, but I completely agree if you are not interested you are just not interested

"It's different when you have your own" is only justifiable when you want kids but equally find other kids annoying.

This or when you don't want other people's kids dumped on you - happened a few times when out and about people often men assuming you'll look after thier kids because they cant be arsed.

There is some truth pg rewires your brain so your small child feeding you half eaten toast is cute but vom anyone else.

It's not a good reason to have kids if you don't want them - women do regret having childen though it's hard to say that in our society. Plus them being your own it doesn't make it less hard work - hardest thing every I found was being really ill and still having my children to look after.

I'd suggest broken record - it't not for me on a loop and change the subject.

I have never said it but then I am childless not by choice.....but my goodness I know about gobby old lady syndrome. It was a very good friend of my lovely mother in laws who would bang on and on about how it was breaking mil's heart because her son had no children (it wasn't) I never did tell her to shut the fuck up because it would have hurt Mil but i did avoid being alone with this woman.

I guess they mean that we are biological wired to love and care for our own offspring in a way that we don’t really understand untill we actually have them .

@Changemaname1

I guess they mean that we are biological wired to love and care for our own offspring in a way that we don’t really understand untill we actually have them .

Yes, childless people don’t understand that parents might love their own children.

Ffs what is it with this place today?

I have never said it…

But I feel it…

I do not like other peoples kids. I never liked kids at all, I got pregnant by mistake at 18.

My daughter is coming up to 10 and I have since had another daughter and I’m pregnant with another daughter - I seem to love my own kids but still can’t stand other peoples 😂

Then there’s the Mum life aspect which can definitely feel a bit like ground hog day, but I’ve never really felt that I have missed out on anything by having children.

Had I not got pregnant by mistake, I doubt I would have had children because I had no idea how much I’d like my own considering other peoples just annoy me.

How you feel about kids is different if they're your own, but that doesn't mean that some people don't want them regardless and shouldn't have to harassed about it.

hmm, the question you are asking is not really - what do we mean by it is different when it is yoru own.

The question you are asking is - is it unreasonable for me not to want my own children.
The answer to the second is absolutley not unreasonable, if you don't want kids, fine, no one's business but yours.

The answer to the first is more complicated. I think that you tolerate a huge amount from your own kids because of the love and the bond. The dirty nappies etc you take in your stride becuase they are you lovely baby in a way that you just don't objectively with someone else's child.
But as a parent of 3 teens, it is an all consuming and mammoth task being a parent. I do love my kids, but do wonder what life would be like without them. My youngest is 14 and very 'teenage' I sometimes image how life will be once she has gone off to uni.

Your own child is the funniest, prettiest genius in all of existence compared to other peoples annoying snotty screamers. That's what she means. But if you don't have the biological urge then there is a whole world of possibilities how to live your life. One is not better than the other. Live your own life.

Could one of her siblings have a quiet word with her to cut it out? Sometimes it helps if it comes from someone of the same generation. Don't ask me why that sometimes works, but it did/does with my (11) aunts.

What she said would be a perfectly reasonable (and very often true) response to the many women who wonder whether they'd enjoy motherhood when they don't particularly enjoy the company of other people's children or babies.

But it's really not a great thing to say to just any woman who doesn't have children. She may be quite happily child-free, or she may have had miscarriages or be unable to conceive.

It is different when it's your own though. I never really like other people's babies and kids (apart from my nieces and nephews - sometimes, and when they're good). But I like mine: they're funny and clever and spunky. Biology gives you a bias towards your own children. For obvious reasons.

Not a single day goes by that my kids don't being me joy. But my dog does too, so I can appreciate that people might like to parent dogs more than kids. There's magic in the 'parenting' instinct: deep caring about the needs of someone/something that's dependent on you for love/ food. It'd be a shame to miss that experience.

It’s like when you adore your dog and of course you don’t enjoy washing poop off his fur but you’re willing to do it because you love him so much. Then multiply that by 1000.

I get this aswell and from an older aunt-dont knowif its a generational thing or what -the last time she mentioned me having kids i said why would i want to i like my life

she called me a coward

there's magic in the 'parenting' instinct: deep caring about the needs of someone/something that's dependent on you for love/ food. It'd be a shame to miss that experience

It wouldn't be a shame if you hadn't the remotest interest in having someone or something 'depend on you for love/food'. That's a bit like telling someone without the faintest interest in cycling that it's a shame to miss the experience of cycling the Tour de France route.

It's something very dated from a time when women were just expected to get married and start popping out kids. I find it's often the older generation or those whose entire lives are their dc that trot out 'oh it's different when it's your own!'.

I'm sure for some it is. I don't like other peoples kids generally, wouldn't fawn over every baby I see but I did want dc. Every day is not a joy, it's hard and relentless and for every gorgeous moment there is a meltdown, tantrum or screaming fit to match it.

Every person has the right to chose for themselves whether they want to have children or not and none should be judged for it.

Should it come up again I'd go with a solid 'no' and change the conversion or leave the room and enjoy your life knowing you've made the right decision for you.

It might be a generational thing to attempt a conversation once but when it becomes obvious that a person doesn't want children , it's time to stop . No excuse for going on and on every time OP meets her at a family gathering . Beyond rude

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

I know it's called MUMSnet, but it isn't just about mums...

@Almostwelsh

Yes it's different when they're your own. It's more relentless. Other people's children you can give back.

As my mum used to say when anyone tutted about a tantruming toddler in the supermarket - "you have no reason to complain, you can walk away. It's mother has to take it home with her"

Agree 100%. It's more stressful when it's your own. Think about a crying baby on a plane. If it's not yours, you can put earplugs in and try to ignore it. You don't have to desperately try to soothe it, fail, and worry about everyone round about you being disapproving.

I have only said this in the context of a childless friend or relative asking something like "how can you cope with clearing up vomit / poo etc"

I can cope with doing it for my own children because it's different with your own

Well, it’s different when it’s your own but that encompasses all the positives of unconditional love and all the negatives of unrelenting responsibility.

Don’t even get into a discussion. You don’t want kids. Subject closed!

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

I don't understand this at all - firstly, as other posters have pointed out, MN is not in fact only for mothers, but also the OP is specifically asking a question of people who have said 'it's different when it's your own'. Surely people who have said this are mostly going to be parents?

I think people are being a bit over or under (depending on your perspective) generous about how much this should be accepted because she's now 80. Being 80 doesn't mean she's from 1903. She was 20 in 1962. I'm sure she's encountered the concept of a woman choosing not to have children before now.