If you have ever said ‘It will be different when it’s your own’

[ScheherazadesTales]

What did you mean by it

An aunt keeps asking when I’m going to have babies. I don’t want children, I never did. Most people have stopped asking but this lady is in her 80’s and is persistent but I don’t want to be rude and tell her to fuck off.

At a family gathering this weekend she was at it again. I said there isn’t a single part of motherhood I’m interested in- I don’t want to experience pregnancy, labour, breast feeding, changing shitty nappies. I listed all my reasons from baby years to adult years and kept it balanced by mentioning the positive ones too like unconditional love, first smile and hugs.

I don’t usually go on like this but most people stop asking quite quickly and judge me silently (or behind my back to others) Not her, she won’t let it go and always end with it’s different when it’s your own.

What does she mean by that? That I would suddenly love the endless amount cleaning or tantrums because the human was pushed out of me?

I've never said that I don't think...and of people want to be child free 100% respect that that is the right choice for them, kids arent the be all and end all for everyone..

It is obvs 100% different when it's your own...it's a bond that there isn't any comparison to...
It definitely doesn't make shitty nappies meaningful or enjoyable though 😂

I don't think it means anything tbh, I think it's a flippant comment made by someone who can't understand why you don't want to have children, and thinks you mustn't have properly thought about it.

There are 7 life processes that are essential to determine if an animal is alive:

• movement
• respiration
• sensitivity
• growth
• reproduction
• excretion
• nutrition

As a species we have evolved to have an urge to reproduce, by and large. So most people even if not bothered about babies/children do have an utterly different response to their own.

I just think saying you don't want them is fine and leave it at that.

This is nigh on impossible to do as a childfree person. More often than not it's followed by more questions, looks of pity and, as OP said, the inevitable "it'll be different when it's your own".

It is different when it's your own, I don't like other peoples kids, never have been maternal but I love, and like my own kids. But I made a decision have kids. I really dislike the expectation and constant badgering women get about kids, if you don't want them, chances are you won't like the experience or having them either.

@KnittedJumper1

I think people who judge childfree women are usually those who had children and spent their lifetime wondering what their world would have been like without them.

Maybe she means when it's your own there's no way out so you have to like it or lump it?

That’s a bit of a generalisation! I have children but I don’t judge child free women in the slightest and have several close friends that are not mothers. I’m in my forties if that helps so not writing this as someone whose close peer group friends have twenty years to change their minds

@OfstedOffred

There are 7 life processes that are essential to determine if an animal is alive:

• movement
• respiration
• sensitivity
• growth
• reproduction
• excretion
• nutrition

As a species we have evolved to have an urge to reproduce, by and large. So most people even if not bothered about babies/children do have an utterly different response to their own.

It’s the capacity to reproduce that is a characteristic of living things, not actually reproducing. We have not evolved to have a conscious desire to reproduce but to behave in ways that bring it about, I.e have sex.

I've never said it, would never say it. When I've seen it used it's meaning seems to be that they think you should have one anyway because after they're here you'll realise how amazing it is being a parent. Which is ridiculous.

It is different when it's your own, there's all the love and connection to offset the tough things, it's not something you can see clearly from the outside. It's much harder and better than I thought, but that's me, not you. None of that means you must have children so you can understand, or that a life without children couldn't possibly be a good one. If you don't want DC, than a good life could be one where you are child free.

@2DogsOnMySofa

It is different when it's your own, I don't like other peoples kids, never have been maternal but I love, and like my own kids. But I made a decision have kids. I really dislike the expectation and constant badgering women get about kids, if you don't want them, chances are you won't like the experience or having them either.

I agree I honestly cannot fathom for the life of me why you would have a child if you don’t want one Abuse and forced pregnancy aside it is the most extraordinary act of self sabotage and cruelty in one fell swoop

I haven’t said it and wouldn’t. Mostly because I worked with children and having your own is far, far harder! So wouldn’t have been helpful to me.
Some people do have a kind of ‘love bomb’ type of love for their children which covers over any inconveniences like changing nappies or potty training… but in my experience most mums actually don’t love all that stuff, they just know that it’s their responsibility (mums still disproportionately far, far, far more often taking this load than dad’s). So I think it’s a sort of white lie or perhaps just one woman’s experience imagining it’s how all women feel?

I’m still glad I had my children though. I don’t regret it. So I’m fortunate in that sense.

Yes it's different when they're your own. It's more relentless. Other people's children you can give back.

As my mum used to say when anyone tutted about a tantruming toddler in the supermarket - "you have no reason to complain, you can walk away. It's mother has to take it home with her"

@JorisBonson

I just think saying you don't want them is fine and leave it at that.

This is nigh on impossible to do as a childfree person. More often than not it's followed by more questions, looks of pity and, as OP said, the inevitable "it'll be different when it's your own".

This. Very often even if you say you can’t have children you will be asked if you’ve considered adopting

@FranklyMyBeer

Also, for asking this on mn

To be fair, we're better placed than anyone to confirm whether PITA aunt actually has a point.

To answer the question: yes, it is different, but not THAT different. Nobody in the whole history of parenting has ever said, 'Yay!!! Scraping diarrhoea off a duvet at 4am!'

@OfstedOffred

There are 7 life processes that are essential to determine if an animal is alive:

• movement
• respiration
• sensitivity
• growth
• reproduction
• excretion
• nutrition

As a species we have evolved to have an urge to reproduce, by and large. So most people even if not bothered about babies/children do have an utterly different response to their own.

That’s more on a species level than that individual level. Many people are unwilling or unable to reproduce and are very much alive.

And while most do have an urge to reproduce, not everyone does. Some people are infertile. So refusing to drop the subject of someone not having children is irritating and potentially hurtful.

Very often even if you say you can’t have children you will be asked if you’ve considered adopting

Yes, as if it’s a novel suggestion you’ve never heard before or considered.

@FranklyMyBeer

Why can't that be discussed on MN? I don't understand?

I used to get constantly badgered by my H’s extended family.

I didn’t particularly want children (I now have one, unplanned but wouldn’t change it) But they wouldn’t accept it. It was so invasive and I was always put on the spot in front of them, when my H wasn’t around. In the end I said “how do you know I can’t? Or that I’m trying and failing? Or that I just don’t want them?”

My god it makes for an uncomfortable silence but it does do the trick.

The other factor is that women who love being a mother (and most of us ultimately do even if it’s really, really, really tough at times), wrongly extrapolating that you will too.

In the same way that a working mum who loves working might think a stay at home mum is unfulfilled (when she isn’t) or a stay at home mum who loves it might imagine that a working mum feels wracked with emotion leaving her child when actually she is perfectly happy and content.

We perhaps all have a tendency to think our feelings and experiences are more normal than other peoples.

It’s all different- they’re literally made of you so it all feels meaningful and important and you get actual tearful joy from them doing their first regular human things - everything’s a miracle.

A shitty nappy is a shitty nappy

For myself I consider it relating to cleaning up shit etc in honesty, and its true, I don't mind cleaning my child but would find it grim if it was someone else's! But my view on the phrase is that it would relate to small elements when you want children anyway, not overriding I don't want them at all! It's so boring when people pass comment, and it never ends even when you have children you've not had enough, you've had too many- people should just stop. Maybe tell her gently to foxtrot Oscar once and I doubt she would mention again...

My mum will use any opportunity to say how stupid and short sighted my cousin is for not realising that "it's different when it's your own". This cousin has chosen not to have kids after seeing all her family have multiples and growing up with much younger siblings. She decided it's not for her, she has a great life. My mum's attitude to her just infuriates me. It's code for "I'm too self centered and unimaginative to think of reasons why someone else might want a different lifestyle to me, so I'm assuming they have the exact same reservations I had about children, oh but it's different when it's your own". She just can't comprehend how your life could be fulfilling without children and so assumes you're wildly mistaken about your reasons for not having them, it's as simple as that.

Also my mum upon friend getting divorced: "It's a shame they never had children, then at least the marriage wouldn't have been a waste of time" where do you even start with that one.

Your aunt is incredibly rude.

I am infertile (medically, now, due to a surgery) but clearly I do not broadcast my private medical information. I tried for many years to have children. Spent thousands of pounds and it’s hugely adversely impacted both my physical and mental health.

But I still get asked and judged for not having children. And it’s mainly by other women. It’s something that causes me grief almost every single day. The feeling of “less than” never goes away.

So you have my every sympathy. Own your decision not to want or have children. Your life is yours alone. Others have their own decisions to make.

@KnittedJumper1

I think people who judge childfree women are usually those who had children and spent their lifetime wondering what their world would have been like without them.

Maybe she means when it's your own there's no way out so you have to like it or lump it?

I have a large extended family who are close and we meet up often. I don’t want to be rude as I feel bad for her. Her own children don’t live near, two are abroad and the third a 7 hour drive away. She is always included in family get togethers and I’m sure she feels a bit lonely (and envious) without her kids around. She has a new surprise grandchild she hasn’t seen due to Covid restrictions so the conversation with me is intensifying.

I do enjoy talking with her though. Except for the making babies comments she is lovely and really funny. I will start being more firm and use toast’s comment. If she persists I’ll walk away.

OP, if you've never particularly liked or wanted children that's a perfect reason not to have any. It's disgusting she won't let it drop. I would simply say that you don't wish to have any children and you'd be grateful if she didn't ask you about it again as its an uncomfortable topic.

Bullshit about miracles and tearful moments imo. I had children because I wanted a baby, but found children in general quite annoying and told myself it would be different with my own. Basically I did my best for them as I love them but it certainly was utterly life changing and felt 'different' because I had such a massive responsibility for years and years. I wish I'd had clarity and conviction like you have. Feel the blissful relief in your decision. It's a great one.

One of my siblings doesn't want dc & I think being around mine confirmed it 😆. I think it's a perfectly legitimate choice & Im not sure why people think women all must want dc. However you aunt is old so won't get that.