If you have ever said ‘It will be different when it’s your own’

[ScheherazadesTales]

What did you mean by it

An aunt keeps asking when I’m going to have babies. I don’t want children, I never did. Most people have stopped asking but this lady is in her 80’s and is persistent but I don’t want to be rude and tell her to fuck off.

At a family gathering this weekend she was at it again. I said there isn’t a single part of motherhood I’m interested in- I don’t want to experience pregnancy, labour, breast feeding, changing shitty nappies. I listed all my reasons from baby years to adult years and kept it balanced by mentioning the positive ones too like unconditional love, first smile and hugs.

I don’t usually go on like this but most people stop asking quite quickly and judge me silently (or behind my back to others) Not her, she won’t let it go and always end with it’s different when it’s your own.

What does she mean by that? That I would suddenly love the endless amount cleaning or tantrums because the human was pushed out of me?

Perhaps, just playing devil's advocate here so don't shoot me, she meant that most of what you said really only happens in the first couple of years and nature does tend to help then by blinding you with hormonal love ime. Then they often turn into wonderful humans in your life forever that you love even more than your friends..

But.

She shouldn't keep banging on about it once you made it clear it's not for you.

I wouldn't even bother justifying your reasons. Just a very clear "No, I've decided I'm unlikely to want children so I'd be surprised if that ever changes"

I think it is a generational thing. My mother and MIL both had this bizarre theory that women who were successful or ambitious in the workplace were only either lesbians, man haters (!?) or unable to have children so were compensating because they didn’t have children so were unfulfilled. The comments used to drive me insane.

They’re from an era when it was almost expected and duty for women to procreate and a man’s to provide. When my first marriage was breaking down, my mother even suggested it was because I didn’t have children and maybe if I had a baby to focus on, I wouldn’t be looking ‘for something else’!

Despite now having 2 of my own, I was never maternal in the traditional way and used to find it excruciating when ex colleagues used to thrust their babies into my arms to cuddle and laugh that they would somehow ‘convert’ me.

I’m sorry @Youngatheart00 that must be difficult. I had a male relative ask me once if everything was working fine! . I haven’t spoken to him since.

@AgathaAllAlong oh gosh years and years ago my mum told me to have a child because my DH would make a great father. If I didn’t I shouldn’t be surprised if he divorced me! She didn’t care he didn’t want a child either. I Just shouldn’t deprive him of that experience!

I think she means that the tantrums and poo aren’t quite as awful when they’re produced by your child.

Actually, in a way the tantrums are worse with your own because you panic more that you can’t stop it and you will never ever get to leave the shop/get to sleep/whatever.

You do you.

I never cared much about babies (still find them quite boring... and really hard work!), but I do love children (ever since being a big sister and older cousin to younger kids, while still being a kid myself), so wanting to have my own made sense to me.
I did not enjoy pregnancy or early motherhood. Babies are cute (like little puppies or kittens), but caring for them is brutal. And tedious. Not fun at all. The end result is still worth it in my opinion (I find my kids delightful). But it's not for everyone. If you have zero interest in children (regardless of whether you like babies or not), I don't think motherhood would ever be right for you.

Note: I did start liking babies a bit more when my first nephews were born. Never cared for babies at all before, they spooked me. Still didn't care for other babies, though.
Then after having my own, I started caring for other babies as well.
So there seems to be something about a baby being your own flesh and blood (or close enough). And also about a growing sense of familiarity with babies in general.
But I think it would be foolish to assume that everybody ends up feeling the same. Some mothers really struggle to bond with their own child.

You feel judged for not having children and get annoyed by comments but if you did have children you get judged by many more things and people comment a lot too.
I think it’s possible to dislike other people’s children but to adore having your own. I think that is what your aunt means.

My mum used to go on at me like this all the time. I started repeating it all back to her but exchanging ‘baby’ for ‘horse’.
“You should get yourself a little horse, mum - I can just see you with a little girl horse. It’s so wonderful to look after a horse. They give you so much love. It’s so rewarding combing their manes and mucking out their little stables. Oh mum, you’d be a wonderful horse owner. You absolutely must get a little horse”.
On repeat, for about six months, every time she brought up babies. She finally stopped asking me to reproduce.

Because normally when it’s yours you adore them more than you love any other human so it does feel different. However you can still be unhappy and still regret having children even if you love them. It doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you.

All you can say is that you don’t want to talk about this anymore. She’s an old woman and she won’t change. Maybe she thought she felt similar and then was glad she had them, or maybe she’s try to reassure herself she did the right thing.

@stairway

You feel judged for not having children and get annoyed by comments but if you did have children you get judged by many more things and people comment a lot too. I think it’s possible to dislike other people’s children but to adore having your own. I think that is what your aunt means.

Even if that is what she means she should still be able to accept that OP does not want children and stop going on about it. And it is also possible to like other people’s kids and not want any of your own.

I don't get asked this much.

Partly coz I'm older now but mostly when people asked me how I like babies, i'd say 'love em, but I could eat a whole one or love em but the toast never stays quite crispy enough'

Odd that.

I really loved these conversations when they came about when I was younger. It just showed how ingrained societal norms were and how hard it was to really change. I used to find it fascinating to try and understand these people’s perspectives as there was no risk of that choice being forced upon me (as opposed to political choices which can be more toxic to discuss). As for what “it” entails I assume she means the resentment you perceive you will have v what you will actually feel.

Elderly or not , this is unacceptable . I had my DT's at nearly 39, 10 years after getting married . I'm sure discussions took place where family and friends wondered if we were struggling to conceive or if it was our choice not to have children but never once did anyone , old or young, say anything to us. Which is exactly how it should be , both then and now. I wouldn't be able to refrain from saying something to shut her up , I'm afraid . Clearly giving your reasons, which you shouldn't have to , doesn't work . So I think you just have to walk away from her when she starts the conversation. Having a discussion each time seems to make her feel she has the right to keep probing .

'It' probably means the more unsavoury aspects - and ime, yes 'it' is different with your own.

The thought of wiping some random kids snotty nose, or cleaning up their poo or vomit 🤢 However I don't mind with mine. I obviously don't enjoy it, it's still shit afterall 😂 - but it's just a 'meh' feeling. You just do it, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. All the other enjoyable parts of being a parent make up for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well yeah, I do think it's different when its your own. I'd do anything for my kids and to me it's all worth it. However, I always knew that I wanted kids and that I was prepared to do all the "not so fun" stuff that comes with it.

I think she's wrong in thinking that having your own will suddenly make everything ok if you really don't want kids. It probably won't. I've heard of plenty of people who were absolutely shit parents because they really hadn't wanted kids but did it anyway. Not saying that YOU would be (maybe you'd make a great parent), but not everyone wants kids, or is cut out for parenthood.

Howabout asking your aunt why a) she persists in asking you & b) asserts that you may feel differently in the future or once you have a child?

Don’t make assumptions about her point of view or motivation - just as you don’t want people to make assumptions based on you being a woman of child-bearing age. She may have an insight or history of your own that you don’t yet know.

You may find out something useful about yourself…or even your aunt.

I do have my own children, and found looking after them no issue and this is why I partially agree with the OP's aunt that it is different when it is your own. By that I mean, I am not particularly maternal, I will hold babies etc but don't feel an overwhelming desire to do so, nor change their nappies etc. I would never volunteer to do this. Playdates and other DC coming to tea was my idea of a nightmare. I will just about manage looking after my siblings DC for short periods of time.

The decision to have children was quite hard and I am very happy that I did feel the unconditional love people talk about. However, now that me DC are adults and having spent far too many years on here I am aware that they can decide to go non contact at any time for any reason.

A passive aggressive patronising slur that is intended to make the user feel better about that fact they chose to have children.

"It'll be different when it's your own" is of course something you should NOT say to a woman to convince her to have kids.

I have used this phrase when people have asked me why even if you aren't falling over yourself to play with other people's children if you'd like to have children it is still reasonable to do so and doesn't mean you WOULDN'T enjoy your own. It's not a MEASURE of your suitability as a parent in some way.

I had a childfree by choice friend invite a couple with a toddler on holiday with us (without asking) before we had kids. Apparently because my DH and I were planning to have kids someday we wouldn't mind holidays with children now, including helping with babysitting. Umm...it's precisely because we ARE planning a family we want to enjoy our childfree time now?

Before I was in 'child mode' with my own, I found other people's kids mainly dull. Enjoyed babies though. Now I have a totally different perspective on them but also looking after another person's child was for me not similar at all to how I felt about my own kids and my engagement with them. There is some drudge and certainly expense but it's just not the same. Hard to describe though.

I think this is an occasion to be tolerant. Her comments, while they might irritate you, do no actual harm… and she is 80!!

The decision to have children was quite hard and I am very happy that I did feel the unconditional love people talk about. However, now that me DC are adults and having spent far too many years on here I am aware that they can decide to go non contact at any time for any reason.

Yes. But also: now that I am in my 50s and have a view on the sort of 'loyalty' employers can show men and women my age I am so glad I didn't give my career EVEN more of my life than I have at the expense of having my family.

People should mind their own business. I've known well and worked with childless people - some did go on to have a child eventually, others didn't - but never questioned them (once I got out of my teens).

Having a child is a big thing, not a decision to be taken lightly, and there are often good reasons why folk decide not to.

I think listing your reasons why is a mistake because it is different when it's your own and their shitty nappies and tantrums etc don't put you off them because they're your kids and all the shitty nappies in the world couldn't part you from them. The love you have for them is so much more than the minor irritant of cleaning their arse.
Just say I don't want them and refuse to go into it further. You don't need to justify yourself!

Yeah cos you can totally hand them back if it doesn't go well ...

Good for you making a decision right for you. Children are bloody hard work. Need a lot of time and money. Change your body etc. Massive decision and commitment.

Well it's certainly not akin to suggesting you get a puppy as a child is not something you pick up from a pet suppliers. It doesn't require much imagination to understand that she is talking about unconditional love. Unfortunately, threads like this encourage posters to pile on with all what is wrong about a certain, vulnerable section of society- children. It wouldn't be tolerated to list what is wrong with other sections of society or even that they are one homogenous group of people with all the same characteristics- they are not!

Not having children is decision that should be defined by your character so am I able to give what a child needs mostly unconditional love but a place to live, food to eat. It should not be about the flaws of a person that doesn't yet exist. Yes, babies have smelly nappies but if you think babies and toddlers are the extent of parenthood you are obviously nowhere near the teenage years as if you have a choice to have children or not it is actually whether you can successfully bring them up to reach adulthood and beyond! And speak for yourself PP, I cherish my children and let them know it, but then I don't see them as an endurance test!! I know someone who does that and it has really had a very sad outcome, they don't know why there are issues even though they are the main cause of them!