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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop plans for her baby shower

130 replies

Beebababadabo · 23/01/2022 22:18

Ok so my sister is having her first and very likely last baby (she is 42) took about 4 years to get pregnant and I understand this is a very much awaited baby, I know how hard it is to get pregnant as it also happened to me. So my daughter has come down with covid last week and now my son has it, tested just today. All the while my dh and I have tested negative so far. Today I stayed home with my ds and my dd and dh went to dinner at my the in-laws. My Bil (sister husband) said he didn't feel comfortable going so didn't go, even though my dh and dd are testing negative for covid. I'm worried because I've organised a surprise baby shower for my sister this Sunday and I'm afraid my Bil is going to put a stop to it.

It's taken me weeks to plan and money obviously spent. It's only a small affair with 8 ladies in all. We are all going to test on the day for covid and if anyone is positive of course they won't go. But I know because my son has it even if I'm testing negative I'm afraid he won't allow it, he wouldn't even go for a walk outside with friends who child had.it but the dad tested negative. I can't speak to my sister as it's a surprise baby shower to know how she feels (but she has said to me he has been a nightmare with his anxiety since her pregnancy and it actually but her off doing it again, not that she thought she had much of a chance anyway.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him he is being unfair. He suffers from anxiety I know, but I don't see why it should stop my sister from experiencing her first and only baby shower. Of course we be as safe as possible and everyone will test but if everyone is negative just because a family member is positive surely it be safe enough?

OP posts:
Superhanz · 24/01/2022 02:13

He's definitely not being OTT, the rules only changed fairly recently about close contacts. I had a baby in November and there's no way I would have wanted a surprise baby shower sprung on me and cases were much lower then and on top of that there is covid in your household. I was very anxious towards the end of my pregnancy and considering this is a much longed for baby and imagine your sister probably feels the same way. Its very thoughtful of you to throw your sister a baby shower but I think you need to think of the bigger picture. The other option would be to tell her what your plans are but otherwise I really don't think you should go ahead.

PurpleMauve · 24/01/2022 02:13

OP - I won’t be apologising.

You created this thread to garner opinions to your dilemma. PP simply gave them. You need to get over yourself, as this is not about you.
You are clearly upset with yourself, so please don’t take it out on others who do not agree with you. You’ve now realised that your thought processes were wrong, so just own it without attacking the PP who were instrumental in helping you to see this. Tough love/talk sometimes works, like it has in this case. I don’t believe in beating around the bush, so I said what I said.

Bellyrumble · 24/01/2022 02:14

Glad you came on here to ask OP as there are some realistic comments

Surprise parties and pandemics don’t mix, not least when someone is heavily pregnant. Fortunately my husband told me my friends had done the same thing and I put a stop to it as I was nervous at 35 weeks and thought it daft they had even considered it.

Ironically I ended up in hospital that same day and told to isolate as I’d been exposed to covid whilst there…. So no win really 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was seen as being over the top but don’t care, avoided catching covid so far and my little one has too.

Perhaps she may feel comfortable to do something after the baby is born, on her terms

Zoom might be a nice idea if you think she’d be keen?

PepInYourStep · 24/01/2022 03:03

I agree with @LittleGwyneth.

TheHoptimist · 24/01/2022 03:15

7 people pay for a Pcr to attend (assuming they were all going to do a Pcr like you) is £300 plus

MyOtherProfile · 24/01/2022 05:21

@TheHoptimist

7 people pay for a Pcr to attend (assuming they were all going to do a Pcr like you) is £300 plus
Except of course you don't pay for a PCR unless it's for travel. You can just book one online for free.

I do think OP has been given a hard time. Most covid restrictions have been lifted now (however stupid some of us may feel that to be) and we are all being told we have to get on with life. So so many people are now acting like the pandemic is over thanks to the messages from the media and government.

At least OP started to question it and decided to change things. She wasn't exactly organising Cheltenham races!

kittykat33 · 24/01/2022 05:44

There's no way I'd want to mix with someone with a household case close to my due date. The risks in late pregnancy are quite high and it's not worth it for a baby shower

Decafhazlenutlatte · 24/01/2022 06:25

I would ask your sister how she wants to proceed.

When I was heavily pregnant I was so paranoid about catching it….not necessarily about getting really ill but more so in case it disrupted my delivery…say her DH catches it and can’t attend the birth etc.

My friends did me a drive by baby shower. They all parked their cars down my street and we stood out in the street socially distanced and they bought balloons and cakes it was cute. She might feel comfortable doing that? Obvs I know it’s freezing.

Alternatively you could plan a surprise welcome to the world get together for the new arrival at a later date (once sister is settled of course). I know a few people who have opted for that rather than a baby shower.

surreygirl1987 · 24/01/2022 06:54

I think you need to tell her.. and probably postpone.

Suretobe · 24/01/2022 07:01

You are right to change the plan. I’ve been to two small family/friends parties in the past month. After the first 7 ended up positive and after the second 4 ended up positive - this with everyone testing.
Not worth risking that for your sister and her baby.

mummyh2016 · 24/01/2022 07:44

Obviously you know your sister better than everyone else on here and by the sounds of it she wouldn't be up for a surprise baby shower but in regards to all of the posts about how much of a bad idea it was arranging this during a pandemic, not every pregnant woman is petrified of catching COVID. I gave birth less than a week ago and whilst I didn't have a shower, this was because I think they're a bit shit if it's not your first baby - it wasn't because of COVID. I did nothing different to what I would normally do, I was still meeting friends in public. I'm shocked by the amount of posts on here that insinuate pregnant women should self isolate until they give birth as this isn't what I have come across in real life!

SalsaLove · 24/01/2022 07:50

@Wolfiefan

Or is he putting a stop to it as she would hate a surprise baby shower? I would. They are cringeworthy and rather grabby.
A traditional American baby shower is neither cringeworthy or grabby. Unfortunately the English, or perhaps Brits in general, have turned it into something it was never meant to be.
BennysBingoBonanza · 24/01/2022 08:31

OP, a friend of mine had a baby in lockdown and we did a zoom baby shower with a mini facial- you book it with a company who send out parcels of tester sized products and then on the zoom you’re led through a facial, and everyone sets up their own drinks and snacks etc. I’m making it sound rubbish but it was fun because you’re doing it with your friends. Happy to PM you the details if she’d like something like that. There are also companies that will do chocolate tastings etc for events.

I know we’re all a bit bored of zoom events now but I really think this is an occasion when it might be the better option.

ContadoraExplorer · 24/01/2022 10:36

@mummyh2016

Obviously you know your sister better than everyone else on here and by the sounds of it she wouldn't be up for a surprise baby shower but in regards to all of the posts about how much of a bad idea it was arranging this during a pandemic, not every pregnant woman is petrified of catching COVID. I gave birth less than a week ago and whilst I didn't have a shower, this was because I think they're a bit shit if it's not your first baby - it wasn't because of COVID. I did nothing different to what I would normally do, I was still meeting friends in public. I'm shocked by the amount of posts on here that insinuate pregnant women should self isolate until they give birth as this isn't what I have come across in real life!
And that's absolutely fine for you because you can make your own choices but it's quite well documented, by now, that there are higher risks for pregnant women if they catch covid; pre-term births and still births being the biggest ones.

For me, and it sounds like a fair few others, it's worth mitigating those risks as far as possible to try to protect ourselves and our unborn babies, as well as hopefully have our husbands at the birth. Each to their own.

FrogIAm · 24/01/2022 10:55

@Beebababadabo I think you coming back and seeing you saw it differently now from your sisters point of view was great. Like you said about bubbles, so many people get used to their, especially with covid. Someone living life as normal can’t imagine the 2 years shielding a child going through chemo etc. And meeting up with family as you’ve done before is hugely different to meeting up with family when there is active covid in the home.
Covid and pregnancy don’t mix, really don’t.

itsgettingweird · 24/01/2022 11:42

I'd postpone.

I had a cold for 48 hours whilst testing negative. Then tested positive as I started to feel better Confused

I felt awful i could have infected people over the previous 48 hours completely unknowingly. Pregnant woman are at even higher risk. And as you say this could be your sisters only chance. I really wouldn't want anything that could cause harm to go ahead.

itsgettingweird · 24/01/2022 11:45

And I should add I'm not at all covid anxious.

I had first strain and was quite ill. Fully triple vaccinated and have worked in classrooms all the way through.

This time I've just got a cold.

But I'm also very wary of how contagious this variant is and the much higher risks to of woman.

In this case I really don't feel the benefits outweigh those.m

Kite22 · 24/01/2022 13:28

Except of course you don't pay for a PCR unless it's for travel. You can just book one online for free.

But only for people in limited circumstances. Not so people can get a "pass" to go to a party.

Fair play to you @Beebababadabo for being big enough to take on board what people say and to change what you had originally planned, AND to come back here and say so.

luckylavender · 24/01/2022 13:41

If I were in your sister's shoes & having a first baby at 42, I wouldn't want the risk of a baby shower now anyway but especially not as there is covid in your family. But then I don't really understand the appeal. They seem grabby and tempting fate to me.

Foxglovers · 24/01/2022 13:47

If I were her I wouldn’t want to go if there were people who had been in close contact with others with covid. I found pregnancy v stressful as it is so I think it’s kind of selfish to put her in a position to be near people who have been with others with covid? Even if they are testing negative? She’s pregnant! Of course they are allowed to be over cautious!
To be honest if I were her I would be furious if anyone came near me when I was pregnant who had been around others with covid.
Perhaps she’s more relaxed - but I think you should cancel the shower.

Original poster
Beebababadabo · 24/01/2022 14:00

Just an update. I've spoke to my family now and we have a safe plan in action with everyone aware now. There was no ill feeling with my sister, that it was a surprise (as she did the same for me pre pandemic though) she really touched and thought it was lovely idea but agreed times are different and she is glad I have brought it up since we had covid in the family and we can make alternative plans. So I'm glad I changed my thoughts thanks for the advice. I'm coming off the thread now.

OP posts:
PrimroseBed · 24/01/2022 14:04

Great outcome x

TheHoptimist · 24/01/2022 14:23

@Kite22

Except of course you don't pay for a PCR unless it's for travel. You can just book one online for free.

But only for people in limited circumstances. Not so people can get a "pass" to go to a party.

Fair play to you @Beebababadabo for being big enough to take on board what people say and to change what you had originally planned, AND to come back here and say so.

No, you can use a NHS PCR if you have symptoms- if you want to test to go to a party you have to pay privately
londonrach · 24/01/2022 14:39

Yabu. Please don't go ahead with this at the moment. Wait till your DC are clear of covid and there's been 10 days after. Getting covid whilst pregnant is awful. You can always do the baby shower after the birth.

londonrach · 24/01/2022 14:39

Great update x