To stop plans for her baby shower

[Beebababadabo]

Ok so my sister is having her first and very likely last baby (she is 42) took about 4 years to get pregnant and I understand this is a very much awaited baby, I know how hard it is to get pregnant as it also happened to me. So my daughter has come down with covid last week and now my son has it, tested just today. All the while my dh and I have tested negative so far. Today I stayed home with my ds and my dd and dh went to dinner at my the in-laws. My Bil (sister husband) said he didn't feel comfortable going so didn't go, even though my dh and dd are testing negative for covid. I'm worried because I've organised a surprise baby shower for my sister this Sunday and I'm afraid my Bil is going to put a stop to it.

It's taken me weeks to plan and money obviously spent. It's only a small affair with 8 ladies in all. We are all going to test on the day for covid and if anyone is positive of course they won't go. But I know because my son has it even if I'm testing negative I'm afraid he won't allow it, he wouldn't even go for a walk outside with friends who child had.it but the dad tested negative. I can't speak to my sister as it's a surprise baby shower to know how she feels (but she has said to me he has been a nightmare with his anxiety since her pregnancy and it actually but her off doing it again, not that she thought she had much of a chance anyway.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him he is being unfair. He suffers from anxiety I know, but I don't see why it should stop my sister from experiencing her first and only baby shower. Of course we be as safe as possible and everyone will test but if everyone is negative just because a family member is positive surely it be safe enough?

@TheOrigRights

It's not that long ago that close contacts were required to isolate, so I don't think your BIL is being over-anxious and I think you're showing lack of understanding.

Within my groups of friends we let each other know if we've been a close contact and then let them decide e.g on whether they want to car share, or meet up. It's about being open and allowing people to make their own decisions. In some instances we've all be fine with it, while in others e.g when someone has plans that are much more important to them than say a meal out (like having a baby!) we've decided to postpone or meet outside.

You need to let your sister make an informed decision.

Yes I will let her know. I should say I asked my Bil about a month ago and he said it would it nice for her. But I can see I was being unfair about him. Maybe I shouldn't of arrange it as a surprise in the first place.

@JugglingJanuary

If this was my one shot at being a parent, I'd be 'over protective' too!

Why are you passing it all on to your mum, why can't you phone your sister?

Is there anywhere you could hold it outside with blankets & a chimea?

In your sisters position I wouldn't want an
Indoor meet up. I don't see the point in taking the risk.

It's at my mum's house. It was only a small thing for family members and his mum. There was only going to be a few shower decorations and a cake and some gifts for her (so not really a baby shower but we just called it that) we were just going to catch up before she has the baby and to spend some time with the ladies she is close to. So it would be nothing my mum couldn't handle I wouldn't put it on her otherwise. So I'm going to offer not to go and give the option of going with the small amount left after all testing, or she could have things delivered and do it over zoom.

I’d definitely cancel the shower. Not trying to be a scaremonger but I know of many cases locally from last summer up until recently where the outcome for pregnant women and babies has been very bad. I have lost babies both late in pregnancy and after birth and I probably will get slated for this but if she my sister I’d be wrapping her up in cotton wool and keeping her safe at home until after the baby is safely here. A shower is one day a stupid party - it’s really not important.

By the way - I love a party and am normally quite relaxed about risk but not in this case. Your BIL is 100% right.

‘Who said it's lots of people it's only 7 and I am telling my sister now.’

You can catch COVID from one person, there doesn’t have to be more than seven people present in a gathering. Plus, it doesn’t make any difference if these people are close family or friends. Just like COVID won’t stay away from people who stop wearing masks later this week because the Government told COVID not to infect them! 🙄

Lateral Flow Tests (LFT’s) are not reliable or accurate and as you well know, people can test negative for days even though they are in fact positive.

Just tell your Sister then and be done with it. All of this ridiculous dithering over a gathering your Sister isn’t even aware of!

If you've arranged it as a surprise, what if SHE tests positive a couple of days before? I just don't think surprise parties are at all practical at the moment. But it was a nice idea. Tell her and let her make her own mind up.

‘I’d definitely cancel the shower. Not trying to be a scaremonger but I know of many cases locally from last summer up until recently where the outcome for pregnant women and babies has been very bad. I have lost babies both late in pregnancy and after birth and I probably will get slated for this but if she my sister I’d be wrapping her up in cotton wool and keeping her safe at home until after the baby is safely here. A shower is one day a stupid party - it’s really not important.’

You definitely should not get slated. I totally agree with you. I have 3 DC along with both early and late MC in between.

@Yaya26
💐

A surprise party for a pregnant women while we are in a pandemic...

Honestly all the issues you're having right now were quite easy to predict.

You are being breathtakingly selfish and shortsighted.

Covid is appallingly dangerous for pregnant women. I'm assuming your sister is vaccinated, which should help, but it's a significant risk factor for what is already a high-risk pregnancy due to her age.

I appreciate and admire that you're being shortsighted because you love your sister and want to celebrate with her. But going to your parents with covid in the house; trying to arrange an intimate get-together with your sister while you still may be infectious; and denigrating your BIL for being considerate of his child and his wife are, well, not particularly broad-minded of you.

I hope you can figure out a way to celebrate without meeting up whilst your household has covid.

Your 42 year old sister is pregnant with a much wanted baby and you want to take the risk? I would be very upset with you if you were my sister.

[quote PurpleMauve]@Yaya26
💐[/quote]
Thank you @PurpleMauve xx

I’m so sorry for your losses. They’re hard to carry aren’t they? I have been blessed with three DCs too.

Sometimes with pregnant women I feel like screaming but it is so hard to know how much or little to say.

If only I could turn back time. Instead of living with a lifetime of regret.

It's a shame some people are needlessly rude as some people it would put off from making better choices. I don't mind being told I'm wrong of course, I was in this instance and I see that. But those of you who have been insulting after I said I'm wrong and fix my mistake (the party hasn't happened) saying I'm dithering, selfish and the small party I've organised is just ridiculous. Just remember you can get people to see your point of view without tearing them down and I'm thick skinned so it will wash over me and I do get the point and will follow through. Those who gave to the point constructive criticism thanks. People generally respond better without pointless opinions and needless insults though.

“I wouldn't thank anyone putting a surprise above me being to make my own decisions about my health.
She might be really angry with you if you just go ahead regardless, or worse still, catch covid.”

This.

My apologies, OP. I shouldn't have been so brusque. I watched a dear friend of a friend get enormously sick whilst pregnant with Covid. And while she and the baby survived, thankfully, she came down with it in part because her family had eschewed basic precautions (gatherings, unmasked and unvaccinated) and mocked her and her husband for being cautious--and it's made me a bit touchy.

I know you're arranging this out of love, and perhaps you can consider alternate arrangements another, even better, way of showing her your love.

Forgo the surprise and ask her.

@Nancydrawn

My apologies, OP. I shouldn't have been so brusque. I watched a dear friend of a friend get enormously sick whilst pregnant with Covid. And while she and the baby survived, thankfully, she came down with it in part because her family had eschewed basic precautions (gatherings, unmasked and unvaccinated) and mocked her and her husband for being cautious--and it's made me a bit touchy.

I know you're arranging this out of love, and perhaps you can consider alternate arrangements another, even better, way of showing her your love.

It's ok..I'm actually really glad I came on here. Sometimes when your in your own circle a bubble you dont think. I was actually going to get a PCR test before going but I'm not going to risk it now. I feel bad on my Bil to he worries about everything and I think I was putting him down because I know his personality, but he is right. I'm just glad I spoke on here first before perhaps talking to him and thinking he was just typical Bil being worried. I do feel stupid but I'm glad it was with internet stranger and not my family who I do love and want to but their needs first.

I sympathise as chose not to have a baby shower myself due to Covid but I’m not sure your sister would want to take the risk. You are better off postponing or just discussing it with your sister.

@Yaya26

PurpleMauve
@Yaya26
💐
“Thank you @PurpleMauve xx

I’m so sorry for your losses. They’re hard to carry aren’t they? I have been blessed with three DCs too.

Sometimes with pregnant women I feel like screaming but it is so hard to know how much or little to say.

If only I could turn back time. Instead of living with a lifetime of regret.”

Thank you @Yaya26. I try to be positive as I managed to have 3 healthy pregancies.
You’ll never forget, but please try not to dwell on the regrets. Focus all of your positive energy on your 3 DC that made it through.

Some people do not want to listen. There’s not much anyone can do about that once all is said and done.

@Tilltheend99

I sympathise as chose not to have a baby shower myself due to Covid but I’m not sure your sister would want to take the risk. You are better off postponing or just discussing it with your sister.

I get the impression most people wouldn't want one during covid. I guess because it was small and we had small family gatherings with them there I didn't think. I will definitely talk to her now. I'm just surprised nobody questioned my idea the family even friends I've spoke to about it. Nobody not even my dh. But I have kind have been blown out the water with "who would do it?!" I will ask more on mumsnet because I clearly can't always reply on family or friends to say they don't think it's a good idea.

Rely oh dear I'm tired now. Thanks all I think I've got everything I needed and thanks for helping me see out of my own feelings from a different point of view and put my sister and her baby first.

Maybe she can attend virtually? Be sent things to be revealed … like set her up so she is very safe.

I think while it is an American import baby showers were a way for women to give support and connection to an expectant mother.

I think ultimately it might be better to clue her in as the surprise is nice, but what really matters is the feeling of love and sisterhood these events are meant to make her feel.

Or retool it to be videos of you all and she then can be surprised with any favorings you give?

The important part is making sure she feels supported, I know you can do that. I know there are also ways to make her feel special!

You’re very kind OP

PS so you can send gifts and flowers. Have BIL hide them until the event. She can then Dona virtual thing where you all give your wishes, praise, and support.

There are so many ways to work around it to make it special!

Very sad but surprise parties a d Covid don't mix. Talk to her. Agree with Spilltheteaplease

"I wouldn't socialise with anyone that currently had covid in their household."

Lots and lots to enjoy with sis and baby, maybe even a post-baby baby shower once baby is here, but not a surprise one. Xx

I'm incredulous that you even considered putting her at risk. My SIL got covid at 34 weeks and nearly died from it. She was ventilated for nearly two months and wasn't able to meet her baby until he was nearly four months old. She is still, and will probably always, suffer from heart issues because of it. Unbelievable lack of concern for your pregnant family member.