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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop plans for her baby shower

130 replies

Beebababadabo · 23/01/2022 22:18

Ok so my sister is having her first and very likely last baby (she is 42) took about 4 years to get pregnant and I understand this is a very much awaited baby, I know how hard it is to get pregnant as it also happened to me. So my daughter has come down with covid last week and now my son has it, tested just today. All the while my dh and I have tested negative so far. Today I stayed home with my ds and my dd and dh went to dinner at my the in-laws. My Bil (sister husband) said he didn't feel comfortable going so didn't go, even though my dh and dd are testing negative for covid. I'm worried because I've organised a surprise baby shower for my sister this Sunday and I'm afraid my Bil is going to put a stop to it.

It's taken me weeks to plan and money obviously spent. It's only a small affair with 8 ladies in all. We are all going to test on the day for covid and if anyone is positive of course they won't go. But I know because my son has it even if I'm testing negative I'm afraid he won't allow it, he wouldn't even go for a walk outside with friends who child had.it but the dad tested negative. I can't speak to my sister as it's a surprise baby shower to know how she feels (but she has said to me he has been a nightmare with his anxiety since her pregnancy and it actually but her off doing it again, not that she thought she had much of a chance anyway.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him he is being unfair. He suffers from anxiety I know, but I don't see why it should stop my sister from experiencing her first and only baby shower. Of course we be as safe as possible and everyone will test but if everyone is negative just because a family member is positive surely it be safe enough?

OP posts:

Bywayofanupdate · 23/01/2022 23:09

I wouldn't risk it. My husband tested negative yesterday, has not left the house since (and neither have the rest of us) and is testing positive today. Not fail safe.

JugglingJanuary · 23/01/2022 23:10

If this was my one shot at being a parent, I'd be 'over protective' too!

Why are you passing it all on to your mum, why can't you phone your sister?

Is there anywhere you could hold it outside with blankets & a chimea?

In your sisters position I wouldn't want an
Indoor meet up. I don't see the point in taking the risk.

Stade197 · 23/01/2022 23:10

I personally wouldnt trust LFTs too much especially when going to see a pregnant person. A couple weeks ago my partner and his friend went out, felt ill 2 days later so took LFTs and both negative, after 2 more negative tests they had PCRs both positive so I also did a LFT - negative so went for PCR and it was positive

Holskey · 23/01/2022 23:14

@PurpleDaisies

I'm not a fan of Covid restrictions. People should be able to live their lives now there's vaccination.

People should be able to decide how to live their lives and that includes giving them all the relevant information so they can choose what things to attend or not.

No way the sister should just have this sprung on her.

Well that's a very selective extract. It should be clear from the rest of my comment that I agree. It is wreckless and selfish to risk exposing a pregnant woman to Covid.

Lalliella · 23/01/2022 23:14

A surprise covid party? Umm no thanks. You’ve got your priorities all wrong OP. You need to talk to your sister and let her make an informed choice.

SoftSheen · 23/01/2022 23:15

I'm not sure surprise parties are really a good idea for anyone right now, as people need to have a chance to risk assess for themselves. But a surprise party for a heavily pregnant woman when you know you've got COVID in your household? No chance!

Cocomarine · 23/01/2022 23:17

You talk about “experiencing” a baby shower like it’s a thing. Whatever you think of them, they’re just people you know being nice to you about your pregnancy. Which you get versions of all through pregnancy, when you see friends. It’s not like a wedding for example, where the activity is something of a one of. (or two or three 😉)
A baby shower isn’t one thing that you experience or don’t, there’s no set format. Afternoon tea out with friends, or an afternoon at home blindfolded sniffing Mars Bar smeared on a nappy… they can be quite different.
And most people don’t do them, in my experience. So it simply isn’t a “thing” she’s missing.

And she’s 42, a grown adult, in a pandemic. A surprise is just ridiculous.

Just ask her.

Notonthestairs · 23/01/2022 23:19

@Ohinfertilemama I don't think you have to pull out altogether- just talk to her & BIL, find out what they want to do and keep testing.
You were trying to do a nice thing.

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2022 23:19

Well that's a very selective extract. It should be clear from the rest of my comment that I agree. It is reckless and selfish to risk exposing a pregnant woman to Covid.

It wasn’t clear that you thought the sister should have a choice in the matter. She’s pregnant, not incapable of deciding for herself. The op doesn’t need to unilaterally decide she’s not going anywhere near her baby shower.

runningoutofnewnames · 23/01/2022 23:22

You need to tell your sister.

It would have been nice to have a surprise (if she likes that kind of thing), but getting covid while pregnant would be awful.

Please just let her know what you were planning and let her decide.

It's the people coming together that's the important but, not the surprise.

I wouldn't thank anyone putting a surprise above me being to make my own decisions about my health.

She might be really angry with you if you just go ahead regardless, or worse still, catch covid.

Allsorts1 · 23/01/2022 23:26

Surely by Sunday that’s +7 days from now, so even if you had caught it with the family you wouldn’t be contagious anymore by Sunday anyway?

WitchWithoutChips · 23/01/2022 23:28

She’s an adult who deserves to make her own assessment of the risk, not a vessel to carry her husband’s baby. You will have to sacrifice the surprise but in your position I would tell her what you have planned and let her decide what she wants to do.

Holskey · 23/01/2022 23:29

@PurpleDaisies

Well that's a very selective extract. It should be clear from the rest of my comment that I agree. It is reckless and selfish to risk exposing a pregnant woman to Covid.

I just answered the OP about whether it's reasonable to throw a surprise baby shower in these circumstances. I said it's unreasonable (and mentioned that I'm not a fan of restrictions to emphasise that it's the risk to her sister that drove my answer). I didn't say anything more

FrogIAm · 23/01/2022 23:32

OP, your sister has the right to know if you’re planning on mixing with her with active covid in your house. Maybe considering the circumstances you tell her and let her decide?
Pregnancy and covid really aren’t good company. Your BIL isn’t being unfair but loving. Why does it always have to be a surprise? It’s a British thing it has to be a surprise so it’s not seen as self indulgent. In the US mums are involved and it’s when you give gifts. Here we give them after arrival.

Just tell you sister and go by her wishes.
You can test negative on an LFT with covid in your family and still infect others unti you have enough viral load to test positive the next day or even that evening.

But you sound like you’ve put a lot of love into e shower. Just talk to your sister and let her decide

FrogIAm · 23/01/2022 23:34

@Allsorts1

Surely by Sunday that’s +7 days from now, so even if you had caught it with the family you wouldn’t be contagious anymore by Sunday anyway?

People are contagious for a lot longer than 5 days. It’s just been reduced as people are less likely to spread it and the government wants people back to work of well. B it you can still spread it up to 14 days. My friend took 14 days to test positive after isolating for 2 weeks with her husband.

blakeway45 · 23/01/2022 23:36

What kind of person would be arranging a surprise gathering of lots of people for a heavily pregnant person at rush time without checking with them first?! Talk to your sister!!!!

PurpleMauve · 23/01/2022 23:37

What’s more important - a Baby Shower or facilitating encouraging Covid exposure to a pregnant woman and her unborn child?
Postpone it; it’s not the end of the World.
I also think that Baby Showers are unnecessary, tacky and grabby.

Celebrate the baby once it is born, not before. I always wonder how people deal with the aftermath of Baby Showers, buying too much baby kit way too early, etc when the pregnancy does not work out.

Slowfoxfast · 23/01/2022 23:39

I would arrange to have shower with all her friends on zoom. You could drop round the gifts beforehand and even food and drink could be collected by each guest to have at home. I know it's not the same as meeting in person but I can see why her partner is jumpy. I would be as well.

caringcarer · 23/01/2022 23:44

Just postpone it a month. I would not go onto an indoor place with a person who had family members with Covid. Just think how you would feel if you unwittingly passed it on to your sister and she lost her much wanted baby. Bil is being sensible and protecting your sister and unborn baby.

TatianaBis · 23/01/2022 23:45

If it were my sister I wouldn’t even consider going ahead.

Original poster

Beebababadabo · 23/01/2022 23:50

@blakeway45

What kind of person would be arranging a surprise gathering of lots of people for a heavily pregnant person at rush time without checking with them first?! Talk to your sister!!!!

Who said it's lots of people it's only 7 and I am telling my sister now.

OP posts:

TheOrigRights · 23/01/2022 23:51

It's not that long ago that close contacts were required to isolate, so I don't think your BIL is being over-anxious and I think you're showing lack of understanding.

Within my groups of friends we let each other know if we've been a close contact and then let them decide e.g on whether they want to car share, or meet up. It's about being open and allowing people to make their own decisions. In some instances we've all be fine with it, while in others e.g when someone has plans that are much more important to them than say a meal out (like having a baby!) we've decided to postpone or meet outside.

You need to let your sister make an informed decision.

Original poster

Beebababadabo · 23/01/2022 23:52

@Slowfoxfast

Yes I was thinking zoom of this as a back up. I think that's a good idea considering

OP posts:

Kite22 · 23/01/2022 23:53

It sounds like you are more bothered about the baby shower than the safe arrival of the baby to be honest.

This

If it were my sister I wouldn’t even consider going ahead.

and this

and I am pretty surprised your dh and dc went to your in-laws.

lfts are known to be only an indication and not particularly accurate. Why risk going places you don't need to, and infecting others when you have it in your household?

If I were 42, and had spent 4 years trying for a baby, then I too would be cautious, and would NOT want to be going out partying when heavily pregnant. I can imagine her dh doesn't want to catch it either as won't that mean him missing the birth ?

YABVU

Spilltheteaplease · 23/01/2022 23:55

I wouldn't socialise with anyone that currently had covid in their household.

Whilst the law is not to isolate, they do still suggest that you minimise close contact so I certainly wouldn't be visiting people for dinner etc

Sounds like offering not to go is the best plan. If it's really about your sister then let it go ahead without you,

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