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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you mention lack of thank you?

93 replies

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:13

I spend a lot of time with my friend and her teenage children and we're close. We regard them more as family than our actual relatives.

Both of her DC are wonderful and super polite and sociable. I often take her 15 yr old DD for lunch/coffee just the two of us while her mum works and back in October she mentioned in passing a product she really wanted but that you couldn't get in this country. I contacted a friend who lives in the US that night and arranged for her to grab it for me and have it posted over for her Christmas.

Just before Christmas I dropped the gifts round to their house and DS (12) was home and gave me a cuddle and thanked me and put them under the tree. Their mum gave gifts for me, my OH and DD. All very thoughtful and lovely.

On Christmas day her DS sent me an excited Snapchat (he insists I have it on my phone) to show that he loved his gift. Their mum Facetimed us on Christmas Day and we thanked each other and my DD was very appreciative of her gift and told my friend that.

I've not heard anything from her DD and I find that really strange. She's active on social media and frequently posts comments on my photos and she messages me often. But she's never mentioned her gift.

In the end, I got it for her because I knew she wanted it and I wanted her to have it. But would you mention to mum that she didn't acknowledge it? I would be mortified to know my DD didn't say thank you for a present.

OP posts:

blyn72 · 23/01/2022 18:15

She probably thinks she has thanked you.

Let it go.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:17

I think its a bit late now. She probably got so many things for Christmas. Maybe when you next take her for coffee you could ask if the whatever it was was OK.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 23/01/2022 18:17

She already said thank you when you gave her the gift and she put it under the tree.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:17

But at 15 they can have so much going on in their heads I wouldn't stress about it too much

Yuckypretty · 23/01/2022 18:18

How old are they?

Personally I wouldn't dream of mentioning it because when I give something I'm invested in the giving not the recieving of thanks.

ahcmonnow · 23/01/2022 18:18

She thanked you already.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 23/01/2022 18:18

Ah I see it was DS not DD. my mistake sorry.

Yuckypretty · 23/01/2022 18:18

Sorry just saw the ages

Original poster

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:18

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

She already said thank you when you gave her the gift and she put it under the tree.

She wasn't there- it was her DS who thanked me when he received the wrapped gift and then again when he opened it.

OP posts:

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 23/01/2022 18:21

She probably thinks she already said thank you.

Let it go. It's nothing to get het up over.

You're still dwelling on it?

Awrite · 23/01/2022 18:21

I don't give to receive thanks. What a waste of energy.

They sound like lovely children by the way. Thank yous are your values, not necessarily anyone elses.

fourandnomore · 23/01/2022 18:24

could you say something like I meant to say if there is any problem with i got my friend to send it from America so let me know if you need the receipt - if that is appropriate without knowing the item. It would make me sad too if I’d gone to that effort for someone and they hadn’t thanked me! Your friend in a different country has also gone to an effort for this child she doesn’t even know. Surely if you have the relationship you’ve described with her you could approach it in a relaxed way?

TokyoSushi · 23/01/2022 18:24

If they're usually lovely, it's likely just an oversight. An 'oh, did you like whatever it was?' would suffice. Don't make a big deal of it.

Original poster

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:24

I know that personally I'd be mortified if my daughter didn't thank someone for a gift but I'm not going to bring it up with either of them.

I wasn't dwelling on it, I just got a message from her (the DD) on Instagram with a link to new cafe that she's asked me to take her to and it just popped into my head she never mentioned the gift.

OP posts:

RitaFires · 23/01/2022 18:24

She might have thought the thank you from her mum on Christmas day sufficed for all the presents, or she just forgot. I wouldn't kick up a fuss about it now.

Chikapu · 23/01/2022 18:27

I wouldn't mention it, it's probably just slipped her mind and bringing it up would embarrass everyone.

Original poster

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:28

@fourandnomore

could you say something like I meant to say if there is any problem with ** i got my friend to send it from America so let me know if you need the receipt - if that is appropriate without knowing the item. It would make me sad too if I’d gone to that effort for someone and they hadn’t thanked me! Your friend in a different country has also gone to an effort for this child she doesn’t even know. Surely if you have the relationship you’ve described with her you could approach it in a relaxed way?

I would have mentioned it in passing (though too late now) if we had been out. It was a makeup eyeshadow palette by a Youtuber she's obsessed with and she knew you couldn't get it here (it was her that told me it was a US only release). There's only one kind so it's definitely the right one I got.

I mentioned to her mum beforehand to make sure we didn't duplicate if she'd been going on about it and she said she would be over the moon with it.

I'm not going to mention it now, she might the next time I see her but as someone pointed out 15 year olds do have a lot going on.

OP posts:

fourandnomore · 23/01/2022 18:28

And it’s not about the thanks itself even, it’s more knowing whether they liked it. I don’t need a huge thank you or anything but I take pleasure in people enjoying gifts so I would feel flat thinking they maybe didn’t like it, if you see what I mean, eg my nieces never say thank you for gifts which drives my mum mad which is her issue, but my mum tells me when they liked things I’ve sent them if she sees me with them and that makes me really happy - I don’t need them to thank me personally for it to make me happy. Hopefully that makes sense!!

fourandnomore · 23/01/2022 18:30

Oh wow that was an amazing gift and my daughter would be thrilled with that. I can see how a 15 year old might well wait until she sees you to tell you in person though so perhaps that’s what will happen - I bet she talks about it, my eldest daughter is on a different planet half the time and I can imagine her being thrilled opening something but forgetting to mention until seeing the person x

MsChatterbox · 23/01/2022 18:32

I would definitely say to the 15 year old did you like your palette. Normal conversation and I would expect it from someone getting me a gift! No you didn't give it her for the thank you but part of the joy of giving a gift is sharing in their joy of receiving it!

DockOTheBay · 23/01/2022 18:32

I wouldn't worry too much it probably just slipped her mind.
Next time you see her ask if she liked it, I'm pretty sure her response will be "yes. Thank you so much!" And there you go

notacooldad · 23/01/2022 18:33

Probably just a mind slip but I wouldn't have given it a second thought in all honesty, certainly not enough to warrant a thread about it.

Original poster

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:34

Appreciate the last few comments. I'm not looking for a written letter or anything but I think I was excited because I knew how badly she wanted it!

OP posts:

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:35

Aw yeah I know what it's like when you find the perfect gift! And then it's like did they love it as much as I hoped?!

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:37

Is she definitely still obsessed with them? I know a few of them have fallen heavily out of favour.

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