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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you mention lack of thank you?

93 replies

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:13

I spend a lot of time with my friend and her teenage children and we're close. We regard them more as family than our actual relatives.

Both of her DC are wonderful and super polite and sociable. I often take her 15 yr old DD for lunch/coffee just the two of us while her mum works and back in October she mentioned in passing a product she really wanted but that you couldn't get in this country. I contacted a friend who lives in the US that night and arranged for her to grab it for me and have it posted over for her Christmas.

Just before Christmas I dropped the gifts round to their house and DS (12) was home and gave me a cuddle and thanked me and put them under the tree. Their mum gave gifts for me, my OH and DD. All very thoughtful and lovely.

On Christmas day her DS sent me an excited Snapchat (he insists I have it on my phone) to show that he loved his gift. Their mum Facetimed us on Christmas Day and we thanked each other and my DD was very appreciative of her gift and told my friend that.

I've not heard anything from her DD and I find that really strange. She's active on social media and frequently posts comments on my photos and she messages me often. But she's never mentioned her gift.

In the end, I got it for her because I knew she wanted it and I wanted her to have it. But would you mention to mum that she didn't acknowledge it? I would be mortified to know my DD didn't say thank you for a present.

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 23/01/2022 18:37

Since when did gratitude become a thing that is no longer expected? So many people who think it's okay because someone might have a lot going on. You are not wrong op to be disappointed that the gift wasn't acknowledged.

Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:37

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Aw yeah I know what it's like when you find the perfect gift! And then it's like did they love it as much as I hoped?!
Yes exactly! Thank you. As many have said, it has most likely slipped her mind and no harm done. I won't mention it unless she brings it up next time we're out and I won't mention to her mum.
OP posts:
Pleaseuniverseplease · 23/01/2022 18:37

I'd be wondering if she actually received it. Could it have been thrown away with the wrapping paper in the excitement of Xmas morning?
I think I'd casually ask my friend if her DD likes the palette.

Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:38

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Is she definitely still obsessed with them? I know a few of them have fallen heavily out of favour.
Yes she definitely is. I know it's hard to keep up with who is being cancelled these days!
OP posts:
NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 18:38

If you have a good relationship with her then when you’re next out say something like “Hey, young lady, what’s with the lack of thank you for the Christmas present?” In a mock affronted way - or whatever phrase and tone you judge is likely to make her think “Oops! Will try to remember in future.” At her age going through her mother will seem almost officious and not likely to be nearly as effective at making her realise that some people really like to be thanked rather than it just being another chore her adults insist on.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:38

Yes she definitely is. I know it's hard to keep up with who is being cancelled these days! oh tell me about it!

Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:39

@Pleaseuniverseplease

I'd be wondering if she actually received it. Could it have been thrown away with the wrapping paper in the excitement of Xmas morning? I think I'd casually ask my friend if her DD likes the palette.
I think then there would be more of an issue raised of 'why did you only buy for one of my children'!
OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 23/01/2022 18:40

Can't you just ask her if she liked it? Or ask her mum is she liked it? See what they say

Ffsmakeitstop · 23/01/2022 18:40

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Is she definitely still obsessed with them? I know a few of them have fallen heavily out of favour.
Doesn't matter. A gift that she knew a lot of effort went into should be acknowledged.
OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:42

Doesn't matter. A gift that she knew a lot of effort went into should be acknowledged. it should yes. But at 15 it might be difficult to know how to say thank you very much for the makeup and then if OP carries on with the conversation, oh by the way this person has now been cancelled for being a racist so I'm not into them anymore. Etc. 15 is still quite young for learning how to navigate tricky conversations.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:43

Especially remembering they've had almost 2 years of disruption to their usual social lives and practicing these sort of things

TheOccupier · 23/01/2022 18:47

I wouldn't mention the lack of thankyou specifically but next time I see the DD with eyeshadow on, I'd say something like "your eyes look amazing! did you do that with the XXX palette I got you?"

TetraTetris · 23/01/2022 18:49

She already said thank you when you gave her the gift and she put it under the tree.

THIS NEVER COUNTS. SO RUDE.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2022 18:50

Are you sure she got it?!

In which case I would just ask her mum if she got it and how she’s getting on with it. If I were your friend I’d then double check my daughter thanked you. You don’t want to make a big deal, but remembering to say thank you is a life skill. I’d want to know.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:51

@TheOccupier

I wouldn't mention the lack of thankyou specifically but next time I see the DD with eyeshadow on, I'd say something like "your eyes look amazing! did you do that with the XXX palette I got you?"
Great idea!
DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/01/2022 18:54

She's 15 and you have an independent relationship with her. In your shoes if I were going to say anything, I'd say it directly to her. I'd wait til the next cafe trip and ask her if she liked it, and hope the conversation allowed me to shoehorn in words to the effect that a thank you would have been nice. But not force it or make a big deal of it.

2bazookas · 23/01/2022 18:57

let it go; next time you see the DD just ask if she's enjoying her

saraclara · 23/01/2022 19:05

@2bazookas

let it go; next time you see the DD just ask if she's enjoying her
That. There's no need to not mention it at all! Just say "was the make up okay? I tried to check as much as I could but then just kept my fingers crossed!" or something equally casual. When any of us go to a lot of trouble to make someone happy, it's absolutely normal to feel a bit deflated when we don't get any feedback.
CannelloniMacaroni · 23/01/2022 19:09

’Oh by the way xx, did the palette live up to the hype?!’ Next time you see her.

CannelloniMacaroni · 23/01/2022 19:11

Of course you want some kind of feedback, that’s the best thing about giving. 😍

It was a very nice thing of you to do!

Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 19:13

@TetraTetris

She already said thank you when you gave her the gift and she put it under the tree.

THIS NEVER COUNTS. SO RUDE.

The person that posted this re-read my original post and realised it was DS that put it under the tree.

I don't think we quite need the capital letters.

OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 23/01/2022 19:14

If it was my 15 year old niece I would ask her if she liked it and then tell her that I wasn’t upset
at all but as she gets older she should remember to say thank you for things

ScrollingLeaves · 23/01/2022 19:19

“Awrite

I don't give to receive thanks. What a waste of energy.

They sound like lovely children by the way. Thank yous are your values, not necessarily anyone elses.“

They are my values, and lots of other peoples’.

The people who don’t remember to thank people, as they get older - it could be in circumstances related to work as well - do not come across as well as those who do.

OP may not even be sure she got the gift.

Having said that, I would just not say anything OP. Her mum would be embarrassed and it could come between you. She probably got muddled by a lot of presents which is easily done. She may even have been planning to write to you but then left it too long which is also easily done.

Valkyrie40 · 23/01/2022 19:22

Are you worried it might have been accidentally thrown away or something?

Dibbydoos · 23/01/2022 19:22

I disagree that she thinks she thanked you. She more likely thinks she doesn't need to thank you.
Personally I'd be miffed. Manners cost nothing.

I'd ask her about it when you next see her - how is it, is it as good as she thought it'd be etc. Tell her how you git your friend to grab it etc etc. She what she says. If no thank you I'd note bother going to that much trouble again....