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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you mention lack of thank you?

93 replies

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:13

I spend a lot of time with my friend and her teenage children and we're close. We regard them more as family than our actual relatives.

Both of her DC are wonderful and super polite and sociable. I often take her 15 yr old DD for lunch/coffee just the two of us while her mum works and back in October she mentioned in passing a product she really wanted but that you couldn't get in this country. I contacted a friend who lives in the US that night and arranged for her to grab it for me and have it posted over for her Christmas.

Just before Christmas I dropped the gifts round to their house and DS (12) was home and gave me a cuddle and thanked me and put them under the tree. Their mum gave gifts for me, my OH and DD. All very thoughtful and lovely.

On Christmas day her DS sent me an excited Snapchat (he insists I have it on my phone) to show that he loved his gift. Their mum Facetimed us on Christmas Day and we thanked each other and my DD was very appreciative of her gift and told my friend that.

I've not heard anything from her DD and I find that really strange. She's active on social media and frequently posts comments on my photos and she messages me often. But she's never mentioned her gift.

In the end, I got it for her because I knew she wanted it and I wanted her to have it. But would you mention to mum that she didn't acknowledge it? I would be mortified to know my DD didn't say thank you for a present.

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/01/2022 19:24

@CannelloniMacaroni

’Oh by the way xx, did the palette live up to the hype?!’ Next time you see her.
Or that. Just a light reference to it. That would be normal conversation anyway, even if she'd thanked you when she opened it. Since then she's had time to use or so it's natural to ask whether it's good.
Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 19:27

I shall casually ask if she liked it the next time we're out.

She's not typically rude. I think as people said, I was just a bit disappointed because I was SO excited, I thought she'd be completely buzzing about it and its strange she hasn't mentioned it when we have a relationship.

OP posts:
stingofthebutterfly · 23/01/2022 19:29

As a mum, when I say thank you, I do it to mean thank you for any gifts given to my children as well as me.

Rafting2022 · 23/01/2022 19:32

You know her better than us of course but does she see you as a wallet to buy her whatever she fancies - ‘casually’ mentioning expensive make-up, sending a link to a cafe she wants you to take her to… do you also do things together that don’t involve her forking out for her? And of course it was rude of her not to thank you.

Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 19:38

@Rafting2022

You know her better than us of course but does she see you as a wallet to buy her whatever she fancies - ‘casually’ mentioning expensive make-up, sending a link to a cafe she wants you to take her to… do you also do things together that don’t involve her forking out for her? And of course it was rude of her not to thank you.
No, she's a very sweet girl. Her mum has occasionally tried to give me money but I never take it.

We do activities that don't cost money, and we do things with both her children and my DD as well. They live in the sticks and her mum works in the city we live in so often she'll ask to come through with her mum on her way to work to spend the day shopping (for which she has her own pocket/birthday/christmas money) or we'll go to the cinema or have lunch or something.

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/01/2022 19:52

@stingofthebutterfly

As a mum, when I say thank you, I do it to mean thank you for any gifts given to my children as well as me.
You shouldn't, imo. You are failing to teach your children to show their own thanks and appreciation. Without that training and empathy, they're going to be unpleasant adults in that regard. And what value is it to the giver, when you're not the person they chose the present for?
Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 20:08

When I was little, my mum would phone relatives to thank them for gifts and then put me on the phone to thank them myself for my own. I always found it excruciating but think it was the right thing to do.

OP posts:
SallyGoLucky · 23/01/2022 20:13

I'd just bring it up next time you see her, but casual, so just be like well what did you think of the palette, do you like it?

Naturally, she should then say yes, and thank you. Perhaps she'll note then that she should have mentioned it beforehand and said thank you.

MatildaTheCat · 23/01/2022 20:20

I think your joy at getting hold of the perfect gift might have overhyped this one. Maybe she opened it and thought ‘oh cool, that’s nice’ without realising you’d gone to a lot of trouble?

Or maybe she’s tried it and, like all of these things, it doesn’t suddenly transform her into her favourite influencer? Many teens are terribly insecure about their looks. Ask her for her opinion on it but forgive her if she’s usually lovely.

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, forgotten to thank someone. and I say that as someone who does notice and care.

aSofaNearYou · 23/01/2022 20:24

I hate rudeness but in this case honestly feel that she's probably been raised to think that her parents thanking people on her behalf is enough. Not everyone does the putting kids on the phone to say thanks thing, in her head her mum passed on her thanks, and I don't think that's that strange.

When I was a teenager a relative took great offence when I stayed with her because I didn't specifically say good morning to her first thing. I did speak to her in the mornings I just didn't realise it was important to her that I specifically said those words, this was a value she'd been raised to think was important and I had not. I had no intention of being rude and it was a real blow to me how offended she was. You don't know everything about how others operate as a teen, if she's generally polite I would let it go.

percypigwig · 23/01/2022 20:32

But you've already received a thank you from her mum, on her behalf. You're being overly sensitive and I agree with a previous poster that this does not warrant a thread!!

saraclara · 23/01/2022 20:37

@percypigwig

But you've already received a thank you from her mum, on her behalf. You're being overly sensitive and I agree with a previous poster that this does not warrant a thread!!
I don't get it. OP's present was for her niece. Why is a thank you from her mum remotely relevant? Mum thanks are for gifts to their children when the children are too young to speak. Not for a 15 year old!
Original poster
charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 20:38

@aSofaNearYou

I hate rudeness but in this case honestly feel that she's probably been raised to think that her parents thanking people on her behalf is enough. Not everyone does the putting kids on the phone to say thanks thing, in her head her mum passed on her thanks, and I don't think that's that strange.

When I was a teenager a relative took great offence when I stayed with her because I didn't specifically say good morning to her first thing. I did speak to her in the mornings I just didn't realise it was important to her that I specifically said those words, this was a value she'd been raised to think was important and I had not. I had no intention of being rude and it was a real blow to me how offended she was. You don't know everything about how others operate as a teen, if she's generally polite I would let it go.

Her brother thanked me twice which is more in the nature of both of them. They've been raised to be extremely polite and are particularly well socialised with adults and not awkward at all which I think is lovely.

It's just a niggle and I'm sorry, I didn't realise every thread had to be end of the world scenarios.

OP posts:
NYnewstart · 23/01/2022 20:42

Just casually mention it when you see her and amok her if she liked it.

Trekkerbabe · 23/01/2022 20:46

@Ffsmakeitstop

Since when did gratitude become a thing that is no longer expected? So many people who think it's okay because someone might have a lot going on. You are not wrong op to be disappointed that the gift wasn't acknowledged.

This. She should have acknowledged and thanked you. I can totally see why you are disappointed after the extra effort you went to.

I would ask her whether she liked it when you next see her.

SallyGoLucky · 23/01/2022 20:48

@percypigwig

But you've already received a thank you from her mum, on her behalf. You're being overly sensitive and I agree with a previous poster that this does not warrant a thread!!
She received a thank you from the mum, yes. But to me, that's more of a oh thanks for getting my children gifts, that's very kind. Whereas it would be up to the 15 year old to actually thank OP for the specific present.

I'd understand it more if it was a distant relative, or family friend, who does not speak to the child often and communicates more with the mum. But in this case OP is quite close to the child, and they message eachother directly. So in this case it's more odd that the parent would thank on her behalf.

Babyvenusplant · 23/01/2022 20:49

@NumberTheory

If you have a good relationship with her then when you’re next out say something like “Hey, young lady, what’s with the lack of thank you for the Christmas present?” In a mock affronted way - or whatever phrase and tone you judge is likely to make her think “Oops! Will try to remember in future.” At her age going through her mother will seem almost officious and not likely to be nearly as effective at making her realise that some people really like to be thanked rather than it just being another chore her adults insist on.
Oh god no, don't do that
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 20:51

It’s rude! YANBU. I would also be mortified if my child didn’t say thank you for a gift

percypigwig · 23/01/2022 20:51

saraclara

Because life is too short for all this petty nonsense

AffIt · 23/01/2022 20:54

@DockOTheBay

I wouldn't worry too much it probably just slipped her mind. Next time you see her ask if she liked it, I'm pretty sure her response will be "yes. Thank you so much!" And there you go
Yes, this.

I don't have children, but I'm currently exploring the new and exciting world of having teenaged nieces and nephews, and they are a bit of a breed apart: still lovely kids, but they move in a slightly different place to their younger siblings / older adults.

Teenagers ARE selfish and thoughtless, to an extent: it's just part of their development.

Obviously, they shouldn't be allowed to be total arseholes, but they're navigating their way to adulthood, and they'll make mistakes along the way, as did we.

TerribleZebra · 23/01/2022 21:13

Amazing the number of people who think saying thank you is an optional extra or think it is a mothers role to do this on behalf of their teenage kids. Those of you who think it's your job to say thank you (thereby adding to yet more mental load women are expected to carry) what age do you think your offspring should be polite of their own accord?

aimeemcl · 23/01/2022 21:17

I think when you have this relationship with her and her brother managed to message you that it’s a bit off she hasn’t said anything herself. But as others say, she will most likely bring it up when you see her and I’m sure she’s grateful for such a thoughtful gift!

saraclara · 23/01/2022 21:33

@TerribleZebra

Amazing the number of people who think saying thank you is an optional extra or think it is a mothers role to do this on behalf of their teenage kids. Those of you who think it's your job to say thank you (thereby adding to yet more mental load women are expected to carry) what age do you think your offspring should be polite of their own accord?
Yep. I'm stunned by some of the posts here. So many mumsnet posts complain about adult family members/partners being ungrateful or sitting around letting others carry the responsibility and mental load. Or buying crap presents and having no empathy.

Yet here we are with a bunch of mumsnetters who are apparently bringing up their own kids to be those adults. Because apparently life's too short to actually bring them up to be thoughtful and appreciative and say their own thank yous.

aSofaNearYou · 23/01/2022 21:33

I didn't have to say it had to be an end of the world scenario OP. But her brother thanked you because he was there, her mum probably told her she thanked her and she thought that was covered as a result. I don't think it's an indisputable truth that this was rude, I think many would think as she does.

Ohpulltheotherone · 23/01/2022 21:38

Just message her back about the cafe and say yes lovely let’s go soon, by the way how do you like the pallet? Is it any good?

Perhaps it’s rubbish and she doesn’t want to admit it so hasn’t brought it up.

Really wouldn’t bother me - if she is usually polite and lovely kid then it’s just a blip isn’t it. You say you’d be mortified if your daughter didn’t say thank you one time - but would you? Knowing that she always usually says thanks and genuinely forgot to say it to a good friend of the family (who knows her well)…. Mortified really?