Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you mention lack of thank you?

93 replies

charlotter76 · 23/01/2022 18:13

I spend a lot of time with my friend and her teenage children and we're close. We regard them more as family than our actual relatives.

Both of her DC are wonderful and super polite and sociable. I often take her 15 yr old DD for lunch/coffee just the two of us while her mum works and back in October she mentioned in passing a product she really wanted but that you couldn't get in this country. I contacted a friend who lives in the US that night and arranged for her to grab it for me and have it posted over for her Christmas.

Just before Christmas I dropped the gifts round to their house and DS (12) was home and gave me a cuddle and thanked me and put them under the tree. Their mum gave gifts for me, my OH and DD. All very thoughtful and lovely.

On Christmas day her DS sent me an excited Snapchat (he insists I have it on my phone) to show that he loved his gift. Their mum Facetimed us on Christmas Day and we thanked each other and my DD was very appreciative of her gift and told my friend that.

I've not heard anything from her DD and I find that really strange. She's active on social media and frequently posts comments on my photos and she messages me often. But she's never mentioned her gift.

In the end, I got it for her because I knew she wanted it and I wanted her to have it. But would you mention to mum that she didn't acknowledge it? I would be mortified to know my DD didn't say thank you for a present.

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 23/01/2022 21:39

Probably wouldn’t make a huge deal of it but i might ask friend whether DD liked her gift. Or ask DD herself during the next meet up. Lack of thanks, especially for a thought-out present, annoys me too.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/01/2022 21:58

Something along the lines of I got a lovely Snapchat off X about the present. Did Y like hers?

melj1213 · 23/01/2022 22:00

@MatildaTheCat

I think your joy at getting hold of the perfect gift might have overhyped this one. Maybe she opened it and thought ‘oh cool, that’s nice’ without realising you’d gone to a lot of trouble?

Or maybe she’s tried it and, like all of these things, it doesn’t suddenly transform her into her favourite influencer? Many teens are terribly insecure about their looks. Ask her for her opinion on it but forgive her if she’s usually lovely.

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, forgotten to thank someone. and I say that as someone who does notice and care.

I agree with this - you went to massive effort to get this item, but your friends DD didn't see that, she just got the gift she wanted. You have seen all the effort you put in and have hyped up this gift as being worth a lot of fuss, but while your friend's DD might have wanted this gift, it wasn't the massive deal you wanted it to be so her lack of reaction/response has left you feeling underwhelmed.

If she is usually a polite and grateful girl then I would put it down to a lapse in judgement or that it has slipped her mind, maybe she realised after Christmas she hadn't said thank you but the length of time between getting the gift and sending a thank you may have made her feel awkward (I know that at 15 my anxiety was at its worst when I didnt see someone straight away and had to say thank you for an item a while after it had been received as it just felt really awkward and uncomfortable) an so she has just skirted past it on this occasion.

My DB and SIL live abroad, my nephew wanted a specific toy that they couldn't get in their country. It took weeks of logistics and wasn't cheap for me to buy the item online, have it shipped to me (then don't ship internationally) and then ship it internationally to them. On Christmas Day, when my nephew opened his gift he was just excited to have thr toy he asked for, he was totally oblivious to how much work went into him getting it.

BrainPotter · 23/01/2022 22:21

Ah I’m a bit torn here. I like to put a lot of thought into gifts too and would feel hurt if I didn’t receive a message from the recipient. But I am also a busy working mum and often forget to contact people. So if your friends DD is anything like me, she is so very thankful and would be mortified to know she’s upset you!!

Flickflak · 23/01/2022 22:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Purpleraspberry · 23/01/2022 23:00

I can totally see where you are coming from as you went out your way and put in effort to get her something she really wanted but couldn't get in this country. If someone did that for me, I'd be so touched! If I were the giver, then of course I'd have expected to receive a thank you, and also been excited for her reaction, so YANBU at all.

If this girl is usually so mannerly and polite then I would be also concerned it might not have been received and accidentally thrown out with the rubbish. It is rather strange if she is usually the mannerly type. I would casually ask next time you see her "so, what did you think of the palette?"

My only other thoughts are, 15 year olds can be quite blase about things. Being only 15 maybe she hasn't really thought about the effort you put in (although she should still thank you).

Or, she suddenly changed her mind on wanting it so bad between telling you and getting it, hence the lack of excitement over it (again though, she should have thanked you).

Ask her what she thought of it, it is the only way you'll know.

Original poster

charlotter76 · 25/01/2022 19:26

I took the advice of the other posters and decided just to casually bring it up the next time I saw her.

Noticed today she's unfollowed me on Instagram. Well, blocked to be more accurate. Checked and found the same on Snapchat and Tiktok (my friends teens have forced me to download these apps). Was out with a friend who had a quick search and her profiles are all still there but she's blocked me across all platforms.

It might just be a case of not wanting mum's friends on her social media but a bit odd when she messaged me the other day about wanting to meet. It's her place to decide who can access her profiles but I do find it all quite strange.

OP posts:

Bigoldhag · 25/01/2022 19:37

Did her mum hear you mention it? If so, I would guess her mum gave her a bollocking and she’s deleted you as you ‘caused’ it.

Original poster

charlotter76 · 25/01/2022 19:52

@Bigoldhag

Did her mum hear you mention it? If so, I would guess her mum gave her a bollocking and she’s deleted you as you ‘caused’ it.

I've never mentioned it to the mum at all! Or to the daughter. I was just saying on here that the next time we have some one on one time I'll casually ask if she liked it.

I highly doubt the 15 year old is on mumsnet and has seen this thread and I know my friend doesn't use it either.

OP posts:

Redglitter · 25/01/2022 20:00

I wouldn't read to much into the blocking. I have a teenage niece & shes blocked me on Twitter. Were very close and it's nothing personal she just wanted a space to express herself without her Auntie (& parents) potentially commenting etc.

I think its perfectly reasonable. Its had no bearing on our relationship. Its just extra privacy she wants

KittenKong · 25/01/2022 20:04

I send a box of presents to my sister and her family (in the states so not cheap) - 3 kids (grown up) and their partners, plus her grandchild and her daughters boyfriends kids.

Do I even get a thank you? Do I chuff. Every year I felt my teeth… my sister says thanks, oh they loved XYZ. It wouldn’t kill them to say thanks. But then ‘you do or because it’s the right thing (especially the kids), not for the thanks’. Still hacks me off.

worriedmummyofboys · 25/01/2022 20:37

Original poster

charlotter76 · 25/01/2022 20:52

@Redglitter

I think its perfectly reasonable. Its had no bearing on our relationship. Its just extra privacy she wants

This is helpful thank you as it did upset me slightly!

I would never add a friends child on social media, its always them that add me and I tend to take their lead when it comes to interacting, nobody wants to be that auntie that comments on every photo!

OP posts:

Purpleraspberry · 27/01/2022 12:57

How are things now OP? Has she been in touch? I find the timing of her blocking you too coincidental. Surely she'd just unfollow or unfriend you if she wanted to detach from her mum's friends.

I hope everything is ok

Lockedoorsopen · 27/01/2022 13:00

She already thanked you when she received the gift of you

Lockedoorsopen · 27/01/2022 13:04

Oh christ just seen your update.

She blocked you because you pissed her off. There probably has been really awkward conversations about this with her mother too.

She did thank you when you handed her the gift obviously she wasn't aware you expected to be thanked multiple times.

Its a bit cringey what you did OP

FluffyBooBoo · 27/01/2022 13:06

I'm curious, did your OH thank your friend for the gift she gave him? You don't mention that having happened, but you do mention you and your DD thanking her.

SparklingLime · 27/01/2022 13:09

Your not RTFT, getting it all wrong and feeling the need to comment anyway is a little cringey, @Lockedoorsopen.

Flip

1 2 3 4