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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dogwalks with another woman

612 replies

DMOB3 · 23/01/2022 11:29

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

OP posts:
Whatisthepointinthis · 23/01/2022 13:43

I dog walk every weekend and frequently walk with a male friend.

I very much enjoy his company and it is a nicer conversation than with my female friends who either moan about their ailments or bitch about each other behind their backs.

There is nothing in it at all, but my son has commented that we look like a couple. I asked him if I look like a couple when I walk with my female friend!

Having said that, I wouldn’t text and say thanks for the walk, I would find that pretty cringey!!

SueSaid · 23/01/2022 13:43

'also scary how many people expert their partner to gain their permission before leaving the house'

Oh i missed the posts that said their partners need permission to leave the house? How misogynistic, implying we're all controlling battle axes.

What most have said is the dog walk is fine, the late night thankyou text isn't.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 23/01/2022 13:44

@HandWash

The cutesy 11.30pm 'Thanks for the walk' would be the part I didn't like.
This is the part that ibb nb would be uncomfortable with too.

Tbh checking his whereabouts on the phone and his ‘admitting’ it is odd language to use so I presume there are trust issues?

IWantMoreStationery · 23/01/2022 13:44

@DiddyHeck

I still doubt the text thing. I mean lets face it, the one hit wonder OP hasn't bothered coming back and meanwhile everyone's frothing.
I don't text my female friend after ourxwalks to say thanks. The woman is either bored late at night or is looking for attention. Polite, no.

I'm not frothing though, just waiting for DH to finish cooking our meal.

FatLabrador · 23/01/2022 13:44

Dog walking is something I would feel pretty comfortable with if my DH started meeting up with a female colleague to go together. It's something that needs doing but can be nice to have someone join you. If I walk in a park or something the other dog walkers often meet up and walk round together and the dogs like to socialise with other dogs. So it really does seem like something that you might want to have a friend along for if they also have a dog and like going to the same place for walks.

There are a few strange things like him not letting you know in advance so you could go too, but I would look at whether you would normally go together and does he normally tell you where he is going in advance and this is the only time he doesn't.

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 13:45

Bonkers isn’t it, also scary how many people expert their partner to gain their permission before leaving the house, why are so many people so proud and public about being a controlling partner?

This is what I'll never understand about a lot of posters on MN because many of them can be seen on other threads, backing posters whose husbands behave exactly the same way, and they're telling them it's controlling and abusive behaviour.

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 13:45

@JaniieJones

'also scary how many people expert their partner to gain their permission before leaving the house'

Oh i missed the posts that said their partners need permission to leave the house? How misogynistic, implying we're all controlling battle axes.

What most have said is the dog walk is fine, the late night thankyou text isn't.

Right at the start of the thread you said Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them.

So is the walking fine or not?

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 23/01/2022 13:45

HelloFrostyMorning
he is going for cosy dog walks with this female colleague

Not in January he isn't. Dog-walks perhaps, cosy no chance whatever.

I don't know whether it has occurred to anyone else that the reason he doesn't say in advance that he is meeting this woman on a dog-walk might easily be that he doesn't know in advance himself? It is said to happen intermittently, which suggests to me that it may be happenstance rather than planned.

As for the message; well, if the dog-walking together is intermittent (we have not been told it is frequent) there are any number of reasons for saying "thank you" for it. Off the top of my head: Perhaps she's had covid and this is the first time she's been out for a while, so he kindly escorted her home and made sure her husband was there to make her a nice cuppa to warm her up. Perhaps they simply hadn't happened to see each other on a walk since before Christmas. Perhaps (as others have suggested) she talked over a problem at him and he made the right "uh-huh" and "yes" and "oh dear" noises.

OP, has she perhaps thanked him for the pleasant walk on previous occasions, but because it wasn't late in the evening you didn't pay any particular attention to it? Or perhaps (as has happened to me before now) a message sent in the afternoon didn't arrive for six hours? I've been not-met at the station after sending a text, before now, and rung to see why not only to find out my text hadn't arrived, and it then turned up hours later or even the following day.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 23/01/2022 13:46

@Planesmistakenforstars

Of course dog walking with a female friend/colleague who also has a dog and lives nearby is not anything remotely unreasonable.

It's the little bits of context that might make it suspicious:
Do you ever walk the dog on a Sunday, but the only times she goes too is when he makes sure you're not there?
What is his response to the late night message or the other messages?
Does he always pre arrange these walks with her and never tell you?

This.
JustDanceAddict · 23/01/2022 13:46

@Moonbabysmum

Gosh, I mean what if the dogs tripped them up and his penis went into her vagina 😱

If this is how little trust you have in your relationship is it even worth it?

😂

If I was that bothered I’d go with one Sunday!

Vloggamamma · 23/01/2022 13:47

Hmmm - Why don't you text her hubby and you and him walk the dog - play the pair at their own game !

FTEngineerM · 23/01/2022 13:47

Even if your dh thinks it's innocent at this stage I'd bet there's some kind of flirting going on

No, no just no.

These comments are unreal.

trying to engage in conversation late at night?

What the fuck does that matter, maybe that’s her only free chance after all the chores are done and kids are in bed.

Why is it that apparently two adults can’t enjoy each other’s company without shagging?

I used to LOVE walking my dog before he died with friends; sometimes with men and sometimes with women. Not once did I want to shag’em.

Can confirm I message men and women late at night and I don’t want to shag them. Can confirm I walk dogs for hours in the forest with men and women and don’t want to shag them.

Relax.

Thoosa · 23/01/2022 13:47

@HandWash

The cutesy 11.30pm 'Thanks for the walk' would be the part I didn't like.
Yes that’s the strange bit. Sounds just a bit off.
ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 13:48

Men and women don't walk dogs together just because.
Grin

Is that a fact, @Cakeandcardio?

Can you do us a favour & signpost us all to these sex-segregated walking spots? I'm sure many women would be grateful for some outdoor safe space where they didn't have to encounter .... male dog walkers ...

Chuechebache · 23/01/2022 13:49

Do they both walk their dog?do you not walk? I would ask him,if it is ok to come for the walk too and get to know the woman.she will either be nice and the 3 of you have a pleassnt walk together,or there are lots of awkward silences.if you have a decent intuition,you will get the answer from a walk à troi.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 23/01/2022 13:49

Sometimes dog-walkers need a bit of extra motivation to get out there. Especially at this time of year when a cosy sofa is so inviting. I have a dog-walking friend. Sometimes she messages me to invite. Sometimes I message her. Sometimes we need a bit of extra motivation to get our fat arses out there!! And I know that when I do I’ll always feel better. We’ll set the world to rights, get some fresh air and the dogs have a ball! I always say thanks after the walk. Sometimes, in the evening I’ll realise wow - that dog walk really turned my day around!! And as that occurred to me I’d probably message her. I appreciate her. I’m sure she feels the same about me. It’s all about the dogs and the walk. And for that I’m thankful and I tell her! I previously had a man-friend dog-walking friend. We would do similar. Our dogs were best friends. They enjoyed it. And walking with someone else can be a slightly more pleasant pass time than doing it alone!

Thoosa · 23/01/2022 13:52

I mean, I’ve sometimes walked my dogs with other people and their dogs, but a late night text to thank me for the walk would strike me as slightly unusual.

So either she is a bit unusual and it’s all innocent or, tiny chance there’s something else going on.

CharlotteRose90 · 23/01/2022 13:52

I go dog walking with my male friends all the time. It’s just a walk. If you don’t like it it just screams of jealousy. Why don’t you go with them? Or go with him.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/01/2022 13:54

There's only one reason why a woman texts a man at 11.30pm.

Bollocks. I text people when I remember to do so or when I get round to it if I’ve got a number to send. It might be late at night, early in the morning (I assume most people have Do Not Disturb on for when they want their messages silenced)m whenever.

I even - HORROR! - text my married male friends in this way. It doesn’t mean I want to shag them. They’re just my mates, I treat them the same as everyone else.

If this makes me some kind of scarlet Jezebel then bring it on. I’d rather be that than a paranoid loon.

Wedding1234 · 23/01/2022 13:55

@Georama

It's seems weird to me. Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them.

Why can't people go dog walking with their friends?

Yes this. What a weird comment! You ca be friends but not go in a dog walk? What other normal activities are the friends allowed or not allowed to do?!?
Phobiaphobic · 23/01/2022 13:55

It's not the having a female friend that's the problem, it's the sneakiness. If this is innocent, what better way to arouse suspicion? He should be entirely upfront about these walks, and invite you to come too.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 13:55

@HaggisBurger

My exSIL met her affair partner whilst they were out walking their respective dogs …
Women - never allow your DH out on a dog walk. An OW will swoop down on his & pluck him up in her talons.

Also, Tesco, the hardware store, at petrol stations, gyms, the workplace, even at nursery drop-off.

It's just not worth the risk.
Best to keep him indoors at all times, possibly chained to the bed, Kathy Bates Misery-style.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 13:57

And?? Mine met hers in Tesco.

ha! - cross-posted with you @DiddyHeck :)

Mirrormirrorontheball · 23/01/2022 13:58

What does your gut tell you?
I feel if you can track him/ read his messages there isn’t too much to worry about . It might just be a front for an affair but it seems unlikely.

justasking111 · 23/01/2022 14:00

Living in a hamlet of around fifty homes surrounded by public footpaths and woodland with viewing points for cars. It's not the dog walkers who park up at lunchtime and at night who's cars are a rocking with steamed up windows. It's the viewing points pull ins that are interesting to pass, they ain't dog walkers 😉