DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

With her "thanking" him for the walk makes me think she got more from it than just a walk. I don't mean anything physical but possibly she felt some kind of cosy intimacy.....enough for it to stay on her mind hours later anyway.

What has trusting our own husbands got to do with this situation?

You earn trust. Behaviour dictates trust. Right now I trust my husband as he’s open and honest. I don’t have blind trust in him though as that would be naive. If his behaviour changed and he started hiding things from me then I would question that.

The percentage of men that cheat dictate that there are many women out there who trust their husbands. And then they go on to be unfaithful.

Why would you ignore anything that is out of the ordinary and makes you uncomfortable? Gut instinct is often right.

@wentworthinmate

I used to walk with another dog walker years ago. We were both in other relationships and used to have sex in the woods.

Sex in the woods? How? Did you bring a picnic blanket or was there a lovely meadow with soft velvety moss to bond on?

There are a lot of passionate dog walkers on this thread who would never have an affair, that surely is a good thing.

@sammylady37

Some people seem to be utterly paranoid wrecks, suspicious of every passing woman and convinced the only way to keep their husbands faithful is to remove all opportunity to cheat. Here’s the thing though, if the only reason he hasn’t cheated is that you don’t allow him meet/interact with other women and you monitor him to ensure he doesn’t do so, his fidelity is worth fuck all. There’s a reason I haven’t robbed a bank, and it’s not that I have lacked the opportunity, it’s that I know it’s the wrong thing to do so I have never sought the opportunity in the first place, despite often being in the bank, near the bank, dealing with staff in the bank etc. I’m just not a criminal. If your DH is a cheater, he’ll cheat. If he’s not, he won’t.

Exactly this.

Being cheated on is horrible. But surely, if it happens, you don't berate yourself for having given him the opportunity to cheat; you realise the person with whom you were in a relationship is not the person you thought them to be.

What has trusting our own husbands got to do with this situation?

Trusting your husband is a fairly fundamental part of a marriage. If you don't, it generally means your marriage is in a bad place.
And this is true whether your husband is behaving in a very suspicious way or whether you are the one that is paranoid and controlling (or any scenario in the middle).

OP trusts her husband or she doesn't. To a large degree it doesn't matter what he's actually doing - this only enables her to justify (or not) her lack of trust.

What has trusting our own husbands got to do with this situation?

About as much as the posters who have said 'Hah! I trusted my husband and came across him having a threesome in a woodland clearing while the Pomeranian, chihuahua and labradoodle watched in fascination'?

No matter how much you trust your husband and the marriage, if there comes a time when you don't trust them ie, such as odd behaviour...

Then you want to know if they are cheating.

Absolute trust does not ensure fedelity, it only delays you finding out.

Any person is capable of infedelity, the journey to that point can differ, but you are no less likely to have a faithful husband than someone who lives differently within that marriage.

So trust is absolute and never wanes despite any changes in behaviour?

People can and do change. It’s very naive to ignore warning signs due to blind trust.

Yes some people on Mn think to trust fully gives them some sort of immunity against infedelity.

That to have complete trust is hallmark of keeping someone faithful, a happy trusting relationship, whereby there are no secrets.

It actually makes no difference to whether someone will remain faithful.

@Onthedunes

Yes some people on Mn think to trust fully gives them some sort of immunity against infedelity.

That to have complete trust is hallmark of keeping someone faithful, a happy trusting relationship, whereby there are no secrets.

It actually makes no difference to whether someone will remain faithful.

and all that constant suspicion does is make it more likely that they will be unhappy, and their partner will be driven away.

Well exactly @Onthedunes

It may also make you ignore warning signs or put up with behaviour that is not acceptable. Does anyone want to be that person whose partner was secretly unfaithful for years but they ignored/turned a blind eye because they trusted them 100%. What a waste of years of your life.

Nobody is 100% trustworthy for life.

You are better off working out what behaviour is acceptable to you and how you want to be treated. If your husband/partner changes the way they are towards you then time for a rethink.

Now maybe for most the behaviour of the OP’s husband is fine. They don’t care he doesn’t mention who he is springing out of bed early for an morning walk with (despite spending all week at work with them). Late night texts about nothing would not ring alarm bells. But for the OP it does.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime

I do understand what you are saying but equally not being suspicious doen't mean there is any less likihood that someone will cheat.

Many women on this board trusted their partners totally until they didn't.

Being non suspicious and happy, relaxed and trusting is a luxury that helps a relationship but it is no guarantee.

Everyone likes to think they are in control of their emotions within a relationship, the people who are very confident about their love and trust are the ones who can't believe it and are most hurt by betrayal.

We have no reason to believe the OP has been ‘constantly suspicious’ as yes that is wearing.

Maybe this is the first time due to the change in behaviour. We don’t know enough as the OP has disappeared!

@Onthedunes

Yes some people on Mn think to trust fully gives them some sort of immunity against infedelity.

That to have complete trust is hallmark of keeping someone faithful, a happy trusting relationship, whereby there are no secrets.

It actually makes no difference to whether someone will remain faithful.

Well, isn't it the case that monitoring someone's phone, policing their friends, scrutinising their every minor contact with someone of the opposite sex isn't magically going to prevent them shagging someone else either? Just gives the suspicious spouse an additional FT job and create a lot of bad feeling in the marriage?

I certainly don't think my trust in my husband's judgement confers any immunity, any more than his in mine does. We've both been seeing friends of both sexes together and alone going for dinner or a drink or to a film or play with them, while travelling for work, going on weekends away with them etc for 27 years, and have succeeded in not shagging any of them till now. That in itself doesn't confer any immunity in the future, either, obviously, but it at least shows that we're both capable of longterm friendships without sexual motives, and that we've chosen not to have affairs despite ample opportunity.

@Delatron

We have no reason to believe the OP has been ‘constantly suspicious’ as yes that is wearing.

Maybe this is the first time due to the change in behaviour. We don’t know enough as the OP has disappeared!

We do. She tracks his phone.

@Onthedunes

Yes some people on Mn think to trust fully gives them some sort of immunity against infedelity.

That to have complete trust is hallmark of keeping someone faithful, a happy trusting relationship, whereby there are no secrets.

It actually makes no difference to whether someone will remain faithful.

This is exactly the point! Being 100% trusting won't stop cheating, but neither will NOT trusting and I'd rather give myself peace and not constantly worry about what ifs, and try to control something that ultimately I can't control

@Tullig

Yes I agree trust is a fantastic thing.

I had it for 35 years, with openness and friendships of both sexes, everyone does really.

You cannot live in a world isolated from the opposite sex.

But to not aknowledge when someones behaviour changes for what is 'normal' within your relationship is foolhardy.
Op must believe this is not within their normal boundaries, maybe she knows her h would not like it if the tables were turned.

So are you saying you wouldn't notice strange or suspicious behaviour in your relationship becuse there is so much trust?

A mutual friend of my ex husband and myself was going through a very difficult divorce and we both gave her lots of support. We both used to meet up with her but on several occasions my ex would help her out with her tax returns. (He was an accountant) My ex used to moan on about her being needy and how she got on his nerves. As you can see he is my ex husband. They got too friendly and went off together. I would have trusted him with my life he was never the type to have an affair and there was never any sign that they were having an affair. I know lots of you will say for God sake they are only dog walking, well my ex was only doing her accounts. Turns out he was also doing her.

This is exactly the point! Being 100% trusting won't stop cheating, but neither will NOT trusting and I'd rather give myself peace and not constantly worry about what ifs, and try to control something that ultimately I can't control

Of couse, that is what everyone does until trust is lost and then the suspicious behaviour starts, most people within relationships trust until trust is obliterated.

The suspicious behaviour only comes about when there is reason for it, why do people on MN think some women are like that from the get go.

It would be impossible to live a life like that and it is patronising to call women who have been on the recieving end of betrayal as asking for it as though they had always been untrusting and suspicious.

Cause and effect.

It will be a fact that some (many) of the ladies on here that profess to being trusting, open, honest and having faith in their partners will go on to being betrayed.

And then there will be women who tell you the reason you were betrayed is because you were not trusting enough.

But does the DH know she tracks his phone? If we talking about suspicious behaviour driving the other person away? They need to know you are constantly suspicious. Not just discretely checking a few things in the background if behaviour changes.

Too much focus on trust here above the behaviour change (secrecy).

@Onthedunes Oh I definitely don't think women are cheated on because they didn't trust enough, or because they were too trusting, or anything else. If someone cheats it's no one's fault but their own.

I suppose in a way my view is also coloured by shitty experiences with men. What I learned was that the amount of trust I did or didn't have had no effect on their crappy behaviour. For me, I decided that their behaviour was on them and I wasn't going to be weighed down by worrying over something I couldn't control. Then, when I was cheated on, I at least hadn't spent the preceding years tying myself in knots about something that happened anyway.

I also agree with a PP that if this is making the OP uncomfortable, he husband should care about that. Because that really matters, and if he doesn't care about her feelings (whether MN thinks they're reasonable or not) then that's a bigger issue than the dog walks IMO

I walked nearly every week day with a man and our dogs for 4 years before his wife retired too, now we are all friends and we meet for drinks , exhibitions and more

@Delatron

We have no reason to believe the OP has been ‘constantly suspicious’ as yes that is wearing.

Maybe this is the first time due to the change in behaviour. We don’t know enough as the OP has disappeared!

Well, yes. Lacking any answers to any of the relevant questions that have been asked, we don't know enough to form any real opinion at all.

Interesting to be part of someone's data-collection for a thesis of some sort, isn't it... Well, better than a DM story, I suppose.

But... People keep on saying "behaviour change", and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE OP'S THREE POSTS to indicate that there has been any particular change in her husband's behaviour. They talk about "texts": she mentioned a single WhatsApp message. They speak of him "arranging" to meet this woman, when that has at no point been claimed by his wife. They cite his "secrecy" when if there is one thing clear, it is that he has volunteered the information that he sees this woman occasionally when he is walking the dog; there is after all no way for his wife to have discovered that he was in company merely by tracking his phone.

@amispeakingenglish

I walked nearly every week day with a man and our dogs for 4 years before his wife retired too, now we are all friends and we meet for drinks , exhibitions and more

Oh aye, we don't want to hear about the three of you and your exhibitions judging by the theme of the thread

amispeakingenglish

• but did you thank him for the walks, at night? That's the weird bit to me. Suggests she's offloading on him which I wouldn't like...they're getting close.