DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

Fk that! Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical ones because they connect on a whole other level. I’d be walking with my DH from now on and making it VERY clear that the lone meet ups and late night thank you texts are not appropriate

@WomanStanleyWoman I completely trust my husband. But trust is earned and it’s not blind trust. If he did something out of character and highly unusual for him then I would rightly question it.

I’m sure many wives of men who have affairs (what % is it 40%?) trust their husbands..

This is not about the fact men and women can’t be friends. They can.

It’s the nuances of this particular situation. Why does he not tell his wife who he is meeting up with? He’s clearly making a point of getting up and out of the house early to see a colleague (who he’s seen all week at work I guess?). She is sending unnecessary random texts late at night.
‘Thanks for the dog walk’ right. Maybe she can say ‘thanks for the dog walk’ to his face at work rather than messaging late at night.

The bottom line is your feel uncomfortable about it. I would too.
You don't even have to explain why - he should respect your feelings.

@Viviennemary

She is after your DH. Texting married men late at night. Not on. Go out with him next time.

I agree. It's not on. A simple thank you is innocent enough to defend, but it wouldn't surprise me if she was secretly hoping for a response and for these night messages to be common place and get more intimate over time. Your husband might not plan on joining in but he might enjoy the attention.

Alternatively, lots of people do their life admin at 11pm....apparently. Yes, I can see how terribly urgent saying thank you for a bloody dog walk and couldn't possibly wait until the next day. Also, why would you thank a friend for going for an entirely average walk with you, especially if it's something that you usually do together?? Maybe she's unusually polite??

The only time if I thought that warranted a thank you is if that person did something extra, like listen or talk through my problems with me or something and I wanted to thank you for their kindness.

Oooo! Oooo! Hand up! I have a very relevant story. Friend of mine , married mum in her 50's, went walking all the time with her dog and a (female) friend who was much younger who also walked her dog.
After about a year she left her husband, they had to sell everything , and she has been with the younger woman ever since. Dog walking is sus as!!

@Bleachmycloths

If two women met up to walk their dogs, would one of the women text the other late at night saying ‘Thanks for the walk’? I think not.

This.

@marpelier

Oooo! Oooo! Hand up! I have a very relevant story. Friend of mine , married mum in her 50's, went walking all the time with her dog and a (female) friend who was much younger who also walked her dog. After about a year she left her husband, they had to sell everything , and she has been with the younger woman ever since. Dog walking is sus as!!

And I always thought lesbians were cat people… 🤔

Dogging isn't having sex while walking dogs this gave me the laugh I needed today 😂

[quote georgarina]@Supermum29 there's a difference between a casual dog walk with a female friend, and saying "oh, don't get up, you have a lie in" and then meeting up with a woman for a walk, and her texting late at night to say thanks.

Ultimately when you're NOT wanting to give the wrong impression you don't do things like text late at night to say thanks for the walk. Because it does give the wrong impression.[/quote]
This is true because I wouldn’t dream of texting my male friend late at night or to say thanks for the walk, that would be weird and look like I was after a secret late night chat.

I will text him if I have something specific to ask but not chatty pleasantries

@WTAFhappened123

Fk that! Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical ones because they connect on a whole other level. I’d be walking with my DH from now on and making it VERY clear that the lone meet ups and late night thank you texts are not appropriate

What constitutes an emotional affair?

Just interested as I’ve heard of them before but never really understood what they were properly.

Wouldn't bother me unless he is being secretive or edgy.

The op is a separate human being and has shown no signs of being jealous, controlling, or a weirdo like your ex.

Ermm did you miss the bit where she tracks his phone so she knows exactly where he’s been and he’s been telling the truth?
I’d say tracking your partner is definitely a sign of jealousy, controlling and weird.

What’s worrying is that we often talk about controlling/abusive men on MN but we don’t seem to talk about controlling/abusive women as much and this thread has shown that there are quite a few even on here - hopefully this thread has encouraged some men to come forward and get help if they need to.

@witchcraftandhokum some couples agree to track mobiles for safety. My husband and I can track each others cars too.

If in doubt and if you’re able, just go with him. When trust feels uneasy there’s usually a reason.
Are you fit enough to walk the dog? Or could you join the walk somewhere if you can’t manage the whole walk.
Being mindful, she’s a colleague and ‘things’ are not limited to dog walking.

I’d be concerned.
Some on here think it’s ok. That’s their life and not yours.

Please let us know the outcome. Good luck!

@georgarina

I don’t think “texting late at night” should arouse suspicion. For example I’m a busy mum. By the time I get done with dinner, tidying, sorting kids for bed, packed lunches and shower etc it’s late. That’s precisely when I have the time to reply/text people I haven’t had a chance to message all day.

I fail to see what is suspicious about being open about telling your partner your going for a dog walk, walking the dog then receiving a text later on to say thanks.

As I said I personally wouldn’t bat an eyelid but I trust my partner and that’s my opinion. Anyone who feels the need to check their partners location by tracking their devices etc has more issues than their partner receiving a thank you text at what apparently is considered a risqué time to send a text. Utterly absurd.

Better get off mumsnet now, it’s getting late, my partner may think I’m cheating!!

I def wouldn't accept this. Her late message tells me she's interested in him. I'd ask him outright.

Literally only here to see if @crazykatie comes back to tell us what she thought dogging was

[quote Feeascotime]@witchcraftandhokum some couples agree to track mobiles for safety. My husband and I can track each others cars too.[/quote]
But surely you'd only bother to check if you were worried about them. Eg out 3 hours may have had accident etc

This is completely weird. I often go for a walk on a Saturday morning with a male friend, and we go for breakfast afterwards. It would never occur to me that our spouses wouldn’t like it and if they didn’t I would consider them unreasonable. I can be friends with who I like. The contents of my friends’ pants is irrelevant.

Oh and also I often message friends either male or female late at night. Wouldn’t think twice about it.

@Dibbydoos

I def wouldn't accept this. Her late message tells me she's interested in him. I'd ask him outright.

What on earth?? I don’t really think about what time it is when I message, I just do it when I have a spare moment. It means nothing.

My mum used to "walk the dog" with male friends and it turned out she was cheating on my dad with them but then I have took my dog and kids for walks with a married male friend and occasionally his teenagers and it was very innocent, at least on my part.

She is after your DH. Texting married men late at night. Not on. Go out with him next time.
People are bonkers on MN. I saw a male, married friend of mine had posted me earlier in the day. It was 3 in the morning because my sleeping patterns are all over the place. So I texted. And it so happened he was awake. So we texted back and forth two or three texts. Then we went to sleep. Absolutely nothing other than friends. I am not after him, nor him after me.
We send each other birthday, Christmas and get well cards. We go out for lunch. If we go out in a group, we sit next to each other. I'd happily walk my dog with him.
Never, ever, ever would there be anything between us. He's just a funny, lovely guy, whose company I enjoy - like all of my other friends.

@Dibbydoos

I def wouldn't accept this. Her late message tells me she's interested in him. I'd ask him outright.

And what about all the people on this thread, me included, who say that late night is when we tend to catch up on sending or replying to texts after the day? It would be completely natural to me to send a quick text to someone I’d done something with earlier then — it would have no significance other than convenience to me. Certainly no overtones of ‘slinking between the sheets in my negligée, thinking of you, bad boy...’

I go dog walking with a man I used to work with (and we went before I moved workplaces). We would also go for lunch together. And for drinks or dinner.

I'd sometimes tell my husband but only if it somehow affected his plans (I.e. not to worry about walking the dog, or not to cook for me as I was going to be out.

My friend and I also text each other early in the morning and later at night.

My husband goes for walks, coffees, lunches with his female friends. I have no idea what time they message him as I don't check his phone. I'd be royally pissed off if he checked