DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

Is it awful to admit I kind of enjoy these mystery threads? Is something going on with dh and dog walker colleague or not? A little mystery to solve.

But op isn’t giving us an any more clues beyond her first post (unless I’ve missed something)....

Op, you say he does this “intermittently.” Do these instances always coincide with the Sunday mornings you sleep later and are not awake to be asked to come along/see him leave?

If so, what time does he usually do this? This upcoming Sunday, get up a bit before that time. See what happens. Then the next Sunday, see if he leaves the house before his usual time/your new wake up time.

If he does, he is deliberately trying to leave house before you wake up.

Probably nothing wrong if she lives in the neighborhood (or does he go somewhere else like a park? And has this been a recent change?) however texting so late at night to thank him for the walk is weird.

Your intuition and common sense are telling you something. Don’t ignore it if you truly think this is out of character or that something is wrong.

I've been on the other end of that.. with someone that felt the need to track my every move and police who i could and couldn't spend my time with, and try to tell me where i could go, who with, and when.

Me too. He was utterly insecure and not only was it smothering but it permanently made me feel I'd done something wrong and as if I had to justify why I'd done nothing to raise his suspicions. Like fuck would I put up with that again. If you don't trust me, please feel free to leave.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that if a woman posted on here to say that she regularly went out with a work friend of the opposite sex to walk their dogs but that her husband was demanding to come along with them, wanting to know who she was going to see each time she went out, wanting to know who was messaging and why, particularly since seemingly-innocuous texts came through late in the evening, we'd be knee-deep in red flags and LTBs.

Your intuition and common sense are telling you something.

I'd bet my ex would say his "intuition and common sense were telling him something" when he demanded to know who I'd been out with, where we'd been, what we'd talked about...

I personally wouldn’t like this if this was my Hubby, I’m sure they are just friends but if this was me then I would want to go along and see for myself their body language and how young/attractive she is.

But op isn’t giving us an any more clues beyond her first post (unless I’ve missed something)

@ClassicsBelle Are you Vera ?

Forget the walking with them, the turning up unnanouced, the following advice.

Just put a voice activated recorder round the dog's collar and bobs your uncle.

'Oh shit. I go dog walking with my married (male) friend and I don't even own a dog. It's never been an issue with his wife because she knows me, trusts her husband, and she can't stand countryside walks'

If she doesn't like dog walks fine. I'm hoping you don't text him late at night to say thanks for these walks because that is the weird bit.

If the OP stops staying in bed and goes for dogwlks instead two things will happen.

One, she'll discover how often this Evil Other Woman walks her dog at the same time, and how often the husband in that partnership is walking the dog instead, and

Two, she'll lose some weight.

@JaniieJones. No I don't, hence the other part of my post!

I'm fairly sure she would mind if I texted him late at night though. That would ring alarm bells with any sane person, surely?

My initial reaction when I read your post was "Whoa, no way I'd be having that, sounds very suspicious". Now I've had a think about it I'm not so sure I can jump to any conclusions. How far do they travel to walk the dogs together? Are you local to each other or is one of them going out of their way to facilitate the meeting? What's the age difference between your husband and the colleague? How long are they out together? When you track your husband on his phone does he keep moving or do they stop somewhere? As this appears to have been happening for a while, were you uncomfortable with it previously or is it the late night messaging that has caused your current unease?

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Your intuition and common sense are telling you something.

I'd bet my ex would say his "intuition and common sense were telling him something" when he demanded to know who I'd been out with, where we'd been, what we'd talked about...

Don’t equate your experience with a psycho to the op. You’re projecting your ex’s whole catalog of vile behavior onto another person. The op is a separate human being and has shown no signs of being jealous, controlling, or a weirdo like your ex.

It is not unreasonable to be a little curious when, after several times of op’s husband doing this seemingly to avoid her knowing, then the colleague messages late at night for really no good reason to “thank” him for just walking the dog in the morning at the same time.

Of course married people can have friends of opposite sex. In this situation op senses something is off. It’s ok to be a little curious.

If you're suspicious, my experience is that you're probably right to be, I wish I'd acted upon my suspicions when they first crossed my mind instead of naively trusting my exH and burying my head in the sand.

It is unusual to be dog walking with a married work colleague of the opposite sex at the weekends, it would raise eyebrows in any workplace. You can be as cool and trusting as you like but imagine being told that a single female colleague and a married male colleague were going on early Sunday morning dog walks while his wife was in bed !!!

@Onthedunes

But op isn’t giving us an any more clues beyond her first post (unless I’ve missed something)

@ClassicsBelle Are you Vera ?

Forget the walking with them, the turning up unnanouced, the following advice.

Just put a voice activated recorder round the dog's collar and bobs your uncle.

Haha! I have read too many mysteries.

The problem with the recorder on collar is that dh would probably accidentally find it while handling the dog. That’s why I didn’t suggest it.

@DiamondBright

If you're suspicious, my experience is that you're probably right to be, I wish I'd acted upon my suspicions when they first crossed my mind instead of naively trusting my exH and burying my head in the sand.

It is unusual to be dog walking with a married work colleague of the opposite sex at the weekends, it would raise eyebrows in any workplace. You can be as cool and trusting as you like but imagine being told that a single female colleague and a married male colleague were going on early Sunday morning dog walks while his wife was in bed !!!

Well you aren't being told that in this case as the female colleague is also married....not sure if this makes an affair more or less likely? I

@celandiney Makes no difference, it would still flag up as unusual anywhere I've worked.

I've seen two married people having an affair numerous times, my exH's ow was also married. Usually one of them is unhappily married and on the look out for their next partner, some people unfortunately don't care if they break up one family or two.

Don’t equate your experience with a psycho to the op. You’re projecting your ex’s whole catalog of vile behavior onto another person.

No I'm not. I'm explaining what it's like to have someone be suspicious of entirely normal behaviour. I wouldn't even say my ex's behaviour is "psycho", it's on a par with some of the opinions on this thread as to what some consider perfectly normal behaviour, and that if someone thinks it's not normal then they must have something to hide.

The op is a separate human being and has shown no signs of being jealous, controlling, or a weirdo like your ex.

What, you mean other than expecting her partner to tell her in advance where he'll be going and with whom, thinks telling her where he's been and with whom is "admitting", who has the ability to track her partner's location via his phone and thinks a message sent late in the evening saying "Thanks for the walk" and nothing else is a red flag? Yes, all perfectly normal. Definitely not weird or controlling.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime

If the OP stops staying in bed and goes for dogwlks instead two things will happen.

One, she'll discover how often this Evil Other Woman walks her dog at the same time, and how often the husband in that partnership is walking the dog instead, and

Two, she'll lose some weight.

Wtf is the reference to her losing weight about??? Please explain as it comes across badly, like she’s some sloth in bed so her hubby’s justified in getting exercise elsewhere

All the ‘cool girls’ on here really pee me off.

What really pisses me off is women who justify their own trust issues by dismissing women who actually do trust their partners with cheap insults like ‘cool girls’.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Agree with 'thanks for the walk'. Thats the part that would make my ears prick up.

In my experience, you only do that to start a message dialogue with someone.

100% this. Perhaps this happens often but is the first time you've seen it? Thanks for the walk meaning 'is the coast clear'.

Sorry but totally be suspicious.
Cheats have a funny habit of covering their tracks by seemingly doing you favours, being extra nice etc. The 'allowing you the lie-in'.
Which then makes you feel guilty about doubting them.
Fishy.

Maybe ‘thanks for the walk’ is actually a typo for ‘thanks for the wank’! Maybe Fido was left to his own devices by OP’s husband and his trollop while she gave him a hand shandy behind a bush!

@DiamondBright

If you're suspicious, my experience is that you're probably right to be, I wish I'd acted upon my suspicions when they first crossed my mind instead of naively trusting my exH and burying my head in the sand.

It is unusual to be dog walking with a married work colleague of the opposite sex at the weekends, it would raise eyebrows in any workplace. You can be as cool and trusting as you like but imagine being told that a single female colleague and a married male colleague were going on early Sunday morning dog walks while his wife was in bed !!!

Dog-walking is a chore, same as taking out the bins or emptying the dishwasher. I’d be delighted if we had a dog and DH took it out on a weekend morning so I could lie in, and he could do it with whoever he liked!

@TenoringBehind

Suggest you’ll come along too and see how he reacts.

Two of my neighbours seem to be having an affair under the cover of walking the dogs together. They do take dogs but stop to kiss in the bushes! I’ve stumbled upon them twice now, as have other friends of mine.

ewww, how classy.

OP, trust your gut, it all depends on the individuals and the context. In some cases this will lead to an emotional affair or is a pretext to meet and have sex and in other cases it's just a plain and simple dog walk. Both situations happen.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. It seems he makes excuses to go while making out he’s doing you a favour plus the message at 11.30pm from her is totally unreasonable . Why couldn’t she have thanked him earlier on in the day . My ex was messaging late at night and making out there was nothing in his ‘friendship’. They are now living together . Be honest and tell him you aren’t comfortable with them meeting up or join them to gauge his reaction.

I am genuinely really shocked by the amount of responses in your favour here.

For what it’s worth I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been cheated on so I could understand the paranoia.

My partner regularly walks with a female colleague and the dogs. I can honestly say I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. And if he let me have a lay in on a Sunday I’d be really grateful as it’s very rare.

I’ve got to be honest and say if I were in a relationship where I couldn’t trust my partner to go for a dog walk with a female friend I would seriously be questioning whether I should stay in that relationship.

Have you talked to him about this? The only things that makes me feel like thisbis mot okay is that he 'admits' after I stead of being upfront and saying where he is going.
My DH had an old work friend and he used to meet up for coffee (occasionally) with her. He didn't tell me about it because I thought it was odd that despite leaving the company she would bake cakes and bread and drop them off to his workplace for him.
Eventually we met for a meal (her and her DH and son and my family). She was lovely, no interest in my DH at all and she talked about how my DH had helped her at work (she had learning needs) and how grateful she was.
My DH knows how I feel about secrets and we have been more open, but I had to be really honest about why I felt like this and my expectations.

There are people saying that he should be allowed to go for a walk with women etc, but ultimately there isn't anyone else who can say what is right for you. Yes it is healthy to have a mix of friends, no it isnt healthy to have secrets. And no letting you have a lie in as a sneaky way of going on a walk is not a kind thing. It is underhanded and almost sounds like you should be grateful that he is betraying your trust by mot telling you where he is going.

@Supermum29 there's a difference between a casual dog walk with a female friend, and saying "oh, don't get up, you have a lie in" and then meeting up with a woman for a walk, and her texting late at night to say thanks.

Ultimately when you're NOT wanting to give the wrong impression you don't do things like text late at night to say thanks for the walk. Because it does give the wrong impression.