DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

@Kelly7889

The dog walking is fine. The late night sickly text from her is not. Imagine being in bed with your husband late at night and his phone pings from a woman saying "Thanks for the walk". She is a silly attention seeking cheeky cow.

Imagine a 4 word completely neutral text being considered "sickly" because your husbands such a catch...

Wow, I sometimes bump into other people while I’m dog walking and even speak to some of them, maybe we should all carry a laminated copy of our marriage certificate on a string around our neck, like a pair of librarians glasses, then it avoid all this embarrassing situations, a quick check and off you go, but if the person is single, time for a quick fumble in the bushes ( as single ppl don’t count), then pop off home for tea and crumpets

Don’t ignore your gut OP
You know your DH - if something feels off , it maybe is.
It’s all very well saying “ oh you can’t have friends of the opposite sex” but let’s be honest - there are people out there of both sexes who do not care for the wedding ring. It could be she’s testing the water …
As others have said : either suggest you n DH go a lovely dog walk together and see how he reacts or suggest to go with them ? You’ll soon know if he’s unhappy about it.
If he does challenge you , just say “ oh darling, I felt so bad that you had to find someone else to walk with as I was sleeping - I’d love to get all wrapped up with you and get some fresh air “

Also. You could just meet her. She might be ugly if anything, meeting her will let her know you’re planting your flag on your husband

• I have male friends but my DH knows them. If he didn’t , I would be introducing them to him as a matter or respect

If two women met up to walk their dogs, would one of the women text the other late at night saying ‘Thanks for the walk’?
I think not.

I think you need to trust your instincts and if something doesn’t sit right with you then first things first join them on one of their dog walks. If there’s nothing dodgy going on then this won’t be a problem at all and you’ll get a feel for what type of friendship they have.

So @DMOB3 something said or done has brought these concerns to the fore.

Each thing that you have mentioned of itself is not enough to cause doubt, & many previous posters on this thread have pointed this out. But for you are these instances that are a co-incidence too far?

Is there something going on elsewhere in your life that is causing you hurt or anxiety? Something that your OH has not acknowledged or understand that you may have a greater need for reassurance or comfort? Is this why his not being with you on a weekend morning, when there are fewer everyday distractions, niggled you?

It is OK to feel needy & ask for more support.
It is OK to be unsure of things.
Be sure of where you are at in yourself before leaping to conclusions.

That said, don’t ignore the red flags fluttering in the breeze just out of sight.

I think you should be concerned. If there isn’t anything going on now, there potentially will be as their relationship and chemistry develops when meeting up for walks. This is how it always kick off..,friendships at work that then overspill into walks or interactions out of work snd then build into something else.
Go with him... next time. You can’t second guess what’s going on in her marriage so important she sees you and him together as a couple.

It’s all very well saying “ oh you can’t have friends of the opposite sex” but let’s be honest - there are people out there of both sexes who do not care for the wedding ring. It could be she’s testing the water …

Even if she is testing the water, if OP trusts her DH then surely there’s nothing to worry about?

If someone’s going to cheat, they’re going to cheat.
You either trust them and not control them.
Or you don’t trust them, so why be with them.

@Betty65

I think you should be concerned. If there isn’t anything going on now, there potentially will be as their relationship and chemistry develops when meeting up for walks. This is how it always kick off..,friendships at work that then overspill into walks or interactions out of work snd then build into something else. Go with him... next time. You can’t second guess what’s going on in her marriage so important she sees you and him together as a couple.

So what's a wife to do then - forbid her husband from any individual contact with women in case the chemistry develops?

I'd be hugely peeved if my husband felt it important for anyone I'm friends with to see me as part of a couple, rather than a person in my own right.

@gannett

I sent off a round of Whatsapp messages at 11pm last night, hadn't got round to replying for a few days and just wanted to clear the backlog. Didn't know that would be deemed inappropriate by the territorial pissers of MN.

Dog owners go walking with other dog owners literally all the time.

But why hide it if it's all so innocent?

If someone were having an affair, or thinking of having one, surely the first thing he'd do would be lose his present phone, and not remember to put tracking on the new one so that his wife could no longer spend her time stalking him; also set it so it didn't show the content of WhatsApp messages he receives to just anyone. My husband assures me that it is possible to have some security on your phone even if you use WhatsApp...

JugglingJanuary
But why hide it if it's all so innocent?

What is he supposed to have hidden?

No one can answer this for you because they don’t know your subtext. You track his phone - are you a naturally overly jealous person or has he given you reason to be suspicious? A dog walk with a female colleague sounds fairly normal but if your gut says otherwise then that’s what you should go with ..,

My god, the amount of women who don't trust their husbands...

I suggest you take a long look at your relationship if thats the case.

I've been on the other end of that.. with someone that felt the need to track my every move and police who i could and couldn't spend my time with, and try to tell me where i could go, who with, and when.

Glad i'm rid of that crap.

Just about to write what @Bleachmycloths wrote.

I often dog walk with my female friends, I don’t text them at 11.30pm to say ‘thanks for the dog walk’ as that would be weird. It’s no less strange a man and a women.
She’s trying to engage him in conversation later at night.

Who thanks someone for a dog walk?!

All the ‘cool girls’ on here really pee me off. There’s no need to ignore your instincts on this. He’s not telling you where he’s going. She messaging random crap late at night. You are right to be worried.

If my partner, or any partner I ever have, has an affair just because he has the opportunity... I want him to, so I can fuck him off and tell him to get bent.

Someone is with me or they're not. If DH ever cheats on me, well, he's not the man I thought he was and I don't want him anyway. If he cheats on me, it's because he chooses to, not because I was insufficiently Mad-Eye Moody CONSTANT VIGILANCE! And if I don't cheat on him, it's not because he monitored me closely to stop me ever having the opportunity to form an emotional connection with someone I'm capable of being attracted to which is basically all adults.

@Bleachmycloths

If two women met up to walk their dogs, would one of the women text the other late at night saying ‘Thanks for the walk’? I think not.

If me and my best friend go out and have a nice time - especially if we end up having a deep conversation - we'll often text each other to say thank you afterwards.

Ok, I’m bisexual, which might seem like a random piece of information but is actually quite important. If my other half worried about every other male or female I could possibly be attracted to that I went on walks or runs with/for beers with/to the cinema with/stayed over with/sparred with/had four hour ‘catch up with a brew’ sessions with…I genuinely wouldn’t be able to spend time with anyone at all.

So I find it really weird when other people fixate on gender as a reason to worry about fidelity. There is just one question you need to answer:

Do you trust him?

If you’ve been together for a while, you love and respect each other, you’ve retained intimacy and he’s never given you any reason to doubt him…then I would say you are being unreasonable.

If this is part of a pattern of behaviour over the years or you’ve grown apart recently, then maybe you aren’t.

Either way, talk to him about it, not us. He’s the one with the answers.

Mmm I would certainly have questions - have you thought of just asking him about this if you are suspicious - see what he says, you should know him well enough by now to be able to tell if he is lying - I think in your shoes I would be a bit unsure tbh

You're being ridiculous. Men and Females are often friends. Jealousy is very unattractive. Unless you have a good reason to not trust him leave it be or go for a walk or coffee with a male friend and see if he minds ,sure he won't 🙄

I used to walk with another dog walker years ago. We were both in other relationships and used to have sex in the woods.

Putting myself in your DH's shoes - I think if a male colleague lived close by and had a dog, I would feel like I was ok to meet him for a walk. However DH and I walk our dog together at the weekend, and I think I'd ask him if he minded me going - not because he would have an issue with the male colleague, but he might have been expecting to be walking with me. Them tbh if he said that he'd been looking forward to walking her, I'd suggest he came too.

If DH was planning to walk her with a colleague - I'd expect to know in advance. I think the message late in the evening is a bit odd - but maybe he was a bit of a sounding board for something and she was thanking him for that?

Definitely a 'no' from me....

@wentworthinmate

I used to walk with another dog walker years ago. We were both in other relationships and used to have sex in the woods.

And that’s helpful HOW? Because that’s what you did so everyone’s the same???

Oh shit. I go dog walking with my married (male) friend and I don't even own a dog. It's never been an issue with his wife because she knows me, trusts her husband, and she can't stand countryside walks.

I'm fairly sure she would mind if I texted him late at night though. That would ring alarm bells with any sane person, surely?