DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

I'm another one who sends late-night texts and emails. It's the only time I don't have kids hanging off me and the headspace to think of non-urgent things that need to be said or sent. I can't see the problem with this when mobile devices can be turned off, set to silent or even put onto an emergency mode that allows custom settings (i.e. notifications for calls but not messages, or from certain contacts only). I'd never expect an immediate reply, and have never thought that I could be getting my male friends in hot water with their partners over the time of my messages.

(The comments about text messages after 11pm are also helping me to understand the Daily Fail's criticism of Megan Markle's alleged 5am emails.)

Just because I wouldn't like another woman texting DH at nearly midnight, doesn't mean I'm going to immediately divorce him or start tracking him.

Thanking someone for a dog walk does come across as a bit desperate. He's not done anything to be thanked for, it's weird and attention seeking.

Besides people on Mumsnet put up with all kinds of crap that I'd never accept from my DH, so I take what people say about relationships on here with a pinch of salt!
I have a great husband and I hope everyone gets to marry a man like him. I'm not into sharing though...so maybe talk to your own DH rather than texting mine.

The dog walks are not the issue.
The secrecy is!

Why do posters keep talking about the secrecy?
Where is the secrecy?

If it’s a planned event - he doesn’t need to tell her in advance or afterwards but he does tell her.

But more likely seeing as it happens intermittently they walk their dogs in the same area, bump into each other and then walk together.

If it was something dodgey surely he wouldn’t tell her anything. But he seems to tell her everything. She even knows when and what she’s texting him.

You obviously don't feel comfortable about it.

Would he be happy if the arrangement was reversed.

It does sound like a perfect combination, a husband whose making out he's doing you a favour, and a woman who is thick skinned enough to text at innappropriate times.

Pushy woman and a very enthusiastic man.

It's not like you're going to enjoy your lie ins from now on is it.

Someone I know (single person) is having an emotional affair with a fellow married dogwalker. He texts her all day every day. She hasn’t taken it further due to knowing he’s married, but enjoys his friendship. It happens.

@FTEngineerM

Its really rude to be texting people late at night

That’s insane.

They’re not rocking up at your door and demanding a response, a text is asynchronous… you don’t have to read and reply only your phone addiction makes you do that

Um Ok if you consider good manners / etiquette "insane". "Etiquette experts agree that sending a text between 7 AM and 9 PM is usually preferred".

Where is the secrecy? It lies in him not telling his wife in advance about something which may or may not be going to happen: a Schrödinger's dogwalk.

That depends. Is the walk measures in miles or orgasms? What is the dog fed on? - hmm the walk is measured in bones with the dog also being fed on bones

@Vloggamamma

That depends. Is the walk measures in miles or orgasms? What is the dog fed on? - hmm the walk is measured in bones with the dog also being fed on bones

And don't forget to document the assumption that when bones is a whole number, sexual attraction =/= 0

@TheChip

Don't most people silence their notifications when they go to sleep anyway? Or at least turn the internet off?

Even without people texting, my phone would be making noises from other notifications if I didn't.

Turn the internet off? The noughties called

Not every friendship is the potential for an affair, but long walks together, late night text chats, building an emotional closeness outside of your main partnership is a very easy way into emotional affair territory.

This is perhaps a radical thought on MN but IMO emotional closeness with friends is a good thing. And there's a big, big distance between that and infidelity (for those with morals and self-control, anyway). I would choose certain friends to talk to about my problems instead of DP if it was about my career, or my specific family issues, because they've been through the same thing and he hasn't. I encourage him to do likewise if I feel I have nothing helpful to say.

I have DND on my phone , but I still wouldn’t start texting people late at night, there is a presumption to it - like you are so interesting and what you have to say is so important that you have to say it right now it can’t possibly wait til morning. It can. You aren’t that interesting.

A message isn't a demand on anyone's time. I literally just send them when I get round to them. The beauty of messages is that you can read and respond at your convenience. They're not a demand to chat right now. And when I send them late at night it's because I know I'll have either forgotten or will be too busy in the morning.

Annnnnd, colour me shocked. OP posts a clickbait title, then doesn't come back to the thread. #surprisesurprise

Got almost 300 posts though. Nice work @DMOB3 👍

"I actually think texting anybody past a certain time at night is incredibly rude. 11:30 pm is beyond rude. "

Not if you know the person is up. Obviously, you shouldn't wake someone up.
And is it really texting or actually using a online messaging service like whatsapp or messenger where you can set it to silent. I'm in a whatsapp group where people message when they have the time and it's often up to and after midnight on the weekend.

Absolutely is insane @Vloggamamma a text is the modern day letter.

Nobody was sprinting to the desk with their quill to etch out a response to a letter.. then sprint to the letter box and drop it in

And don't forget to document the assumption that when bones is a whole number, sexual attraction =/= 0

I also forgot the variable where the dog has a sausage instead of a bone - and whether or not it's boned and rolled like a turkey at Christmas. OO er ! blush

@HelloFrostyMorning

Annnnnd, colour me shocked. OP posts a clickbait title, then doesn't come back to the thread. #surprisesurprise

Got almost 300 posts though. Nice work @DMOB3 👍

very true ! meanwhile we're all wasting our breath here confused ..back to the maths problem I guess!

@JaniieJones

It's seems weird to me. Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them. Even if your dh thinks it's innocent at this stage I'd bet there's some kind of flirting going on.

Suggest you go with them next time, see how that goes down.

Ehhhh? Why would you not dog walk with friends of the opposite sex?

@Gwenhwyfar

"I actually think texting anybody past a certain time at night is incredibly rude. 11:30 pm is beyond rude. "

Not if you know the person is up. Obviously, you shouldn't wake someone up.
And is it really texting or actually using a online messaging service like whatsapp or messenger where you can set it to silent. I'm in a whatsapp group where people message when they have the time and it's often up to and after midnight on the weekend.

Like the old adage says "Just because you can do something...doesn't mean you should" .

@gannett

Not every friendship is the potential for an affair, but long walks together, late night text chats, building an emotional closeness outside of your main partnership is a very easy way into emotional affair territory.

This is perhaps a radical thought on MN but IMO emotional closeness with friends is a good thing. And there's a big, big distance between that and infidelity (for those with morals and self-control, anyway). I would choose certain friends to talk to about my problems instead of DP if it was about my career, or my specific family issues, because they've been through the same thing and he hasn't. I encourage him to do likewise if I feel I have nothing helpful to say.

I have DND on my phone , but I still wouldn’t start texting people late at night, there is a presumption to it - like you are so interesting and what you have to say is so important that you have to say it right now it can’t possibly wait til morning. It can. You aren’t that interesting.

A message isn't a demand on anyone's time. I literally just send them when I get round to them. The beauty of messages is that you can read and respond at your convenience. They're not a demand to chat right now. And when I send them late at night it's because I know I'll have either forgotten or will be too busy in the morning.

I so agree with this, especially the first half.

Of course you are emotionally close to friends. You are also “attracted” to them, in some sense - that’s why you are friends. You like them. You enjoy their company.

But if you are married, then you know that your most important loyalty is to your spouse. I know I could and will never cheat and I manage my opposite-sex friendships with that knowledge. I certainly have friends who I might be romantically/sexually interested in I was single. But as I’m not single, I am very clear where the boundaries are.

'Ehhhh? Why would you not dog walk with friends of the opposite sex?'

It's the context isn't it, not just 'friends of the opposite sex '. It's the simpering 'thankyou' text, the wife not invited or even introduced to this colleague.

We walk with fiends of both sexes but if anyone was texting my dh late I would think wtf.

Think there's 2 types of poster on this thread, those who text men silly thankyous for a walk hoping it will lead to more and those of us that know they're sniffing round and it's a bit obvious tbh.

@DMOB3

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

Thanks everyone, I'm new to this and logged on with a different device later in the day. Taken me a while to figure out how to reply to this post! I've no issue with dog walking with the opposite sex it's just the not saying in advance, and late night text that's a bit weird.

What breeds are they?

Hmm there you are. ^

YANBU @DMOB3

@EllaPaella

Oh my goodness I walk my dog with a variety of people both male and female as does my husband. Two of my best friends often like a lie in on a Sunday morning and I walk my dog with their husbands (who are walking their dogs) and we often stop for a coffee or bacon sandwich.

Just this morning my husband went for a dog walk with a female neighbour from up the road, they were gone for at least two hours, it never occurred to me they might be having an illicit affair- I'll have to get the dog to tell me what's been going on...)

Yeah this. I am always taking my dog for walks with random neighbours from up the road, and DH takes her for a walk with other random neighbours from DOWN^ the road.

We always make sure that the neighbour who we go with, is someone of the opposite sex, and preferably married, and we make sure we are at LEAST 2 and a half hours away. We often pop and have lunch after the walk too, and we don't take our phones, as ya know, why would we?

We always make sure someone sees us go off together with said neighbour too. And around 10 to 11pm each night, I always fire a text or whatsapp message to my MALE and MARRIED dog walking buddy, saying 'I enjoyed the walk hun. Hope you did too.' xxx

Not long after, a message comes in to DH's phone too from his female, MARRIED, dog-walking buddy saying 'night night big dude... sweetdreamydoodles...'