DH dogwalks with another woman

[DMOB3]

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

@EllaPaella

Oh my goodness I walk my dog with a variety of people both male and female as does my husband. Two of my best friends often like a lie in on a Sunday morning and I walk my dog with their husbands (who are walking their dogs) and we often stop for a coffee or bacon sandwich. Just this morning my husband went for a dog walk with a female neighbour from up the road, they were gone for at least two hours, it never occurred to me they might be having an illicit affair- I'll have to get the dog to tell me what's been going on!

Did your dog get two walks this morning or have you got more than one dog?

New maths problem . If a man walks his dog with a colleague at 8 am and he's in work the next day at 8 am what time will the train arrive ?

@Vloggamamma

New maths problem . If a man walks his dog with a colleague at 8 am and he's in work the next day at 8 am what time will the train arrive ?

That depends. Is the walk measures in miles or orgasms? What is the dog fed on?

I am just imagining the husband's post to AIBU, which would go something like

"I let my wife have a lie-in on Sunday mornings and take the dog for a walk on my own. We live in the same village as one of my colleagues and her husband, and sometimes I have met either my colleague or her husband out walking their dog. Since our dogs get on well we tend to join up and walk together on those occasions.

"Last Sunday I met her and the dog (her husband had stayed at home to make some complicated food he's keen on for some friends they had coming over for the day and evening) about half-way through the walk and we went on together talking over a problem she's been having at work. Later, when their guests had left, she sent me a WhatsApp thanking me for the walk.

"Unfortunately my wife saw her message and is now assuming that because I didn't tell her beforehand that I was planning to meet this woman I couldn't have, because I never know whether we are going to meet each other or not there must be something dodgy going on. How can I show her she's wrong? Invite her on every walk? She likes her lie-ins, I'm not sure she'd come. Ask the couple over for a meal? Or would me doing anything just make her even more sure I'm guilty of something?

"I don't know how I can prove a negative, and it's making me unhappy to think she doesn't trust me like this. Does anyone have any advice?"

If it's completely innocent, I'd expect him to sometimes mention that he was going to meet up with her for a walk, not keep silent until after the fact. Is he perhaps keeping quiet beforehand because he can sense that you're unhappy with it?

On its own, with no other reason to be suspicious, it's probably nothing, but that doesn't mean I'd like it.

No problem with him meeting this woman, but by encouraging you to have lie ins, so you’re not around, and then only telling you where he’s been afterwards, don’t sound quite right. That and late night texts…..

@JaniieJones

It's seems weird to me. Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them. Even if your dh thinks it's innocent at this stage I'd bet there's some kind of flirting going on.

Suggest you go with them next time, see how that goes down.

What can they do with these female friends if they can’t walk their dogs with them?

I actually think texting anybody past a certain time at night is incredibly rude. 11:30 pm is beyond rude. Unless it's an emergency give people their downtime - especially if a colleague. She works with him anyway and likely to see him just several hours later. Is thanking him for a walk something she can't just say the the water cooler next day? That's the problem with todays world we can all be contacted at any time. Nothing is sacred

I was going to post pretty much this! Its really rude to be texting people late at night!

Also the weekends are precious down time hours - we like to do things together as much as possible over the weekends because we actually enjoy each other’s company.

I think some of your are very naïve. Not every friendship is the potential for an affair, but long walks together, late night text chats, building an emotional closeness outside of your main partnership is a very easy way into emotional affair territory.

Its really rude to be texting people late at night

That’s insane.

They’re not rocking up at your door and demanding a response, a text is asynchronous… you don’t have to read and reply only your phone addiction makes you do that

Of those who do have a tracker on your phone I would seriously be questioning other aspects of your relationship.
Tell your partner you’ll be turning off your location from now on and see how they react.

My husband would seriously be fine with it, with the proviso I turn it back on when I’m cycling to/from work, as it reassures him I’ve arrived at work without incident. As I said it did come in handy the one time I didn’t and he had to pick me up to take me to a&e with a broken shoulder.

I’m 55 years old. I’ve been with him 30 years. He’s not controlling and I’m happy for this to continue and I don’t need your advice, but thanks anyway.

Don't most people silence their notifications when they go to sleep anyway? Or at least turn the internet off?

Even without people texting, my phone would be making noises from other notifications if I didn't.

@WaningMoon
A text does not need an immediate response. If you’ve got DND enabled, you won’t see it till the following morning.

Yes weekends are ‘down time’ but as dog owners know, the dog doesn’t know that. They still need walking!

I don’t think it’s necessarily dodgy, but the OPs husband could introduce them to reassure her.

I don’t really text people late at night but I’m probably a bit old fashioned and would feel it is a bit intrusive at 11.30 especially if someone has left their volume on in case of emergency. I don’t necessarily think it’s anything suspicious unless other things are happening.

I have DND on my phone , but I still wouldn’t start texting people late at night, there is a presumption to it - like you are so interesting and what you have to say is so important that you have to say it right now it can’t possibly wait til morning. It can. You aren’t that interesting.

Mind you I also think texting people to say thank you for something you did hours earlier is bonkers as well.

[quote TheChip]@Horsemad it's possible. I thought she was deeply submerged in watching the tracking device.[/quote]
😆

I have DND on my phone , but I still wouldn’t start texting people late at night, there is a presumption to it - like you are so interesting and what you have to say is so important that you have to say it right now it can’t possibly wait til morning. It can. You aren’t that interesting.

What do you do if you’re messaging someone in another time zone? Do you get up to text them in the middle of the night so that it’s day time where they are? You sound like hard work if you think that anyone daring to text after hours is doing so because they think they’re “interesting”.

@JaniieJones

It's seems weird to me. Yes men can have female friends but you don't go dog walking with them. Even if your dh thinks it's innocent at this stage I'd bet there's some kind of flirting going on.

Suggest you go with them next time, see how that goes down.

I have a really good friend who happens to be a man. We go walking together with his dog - and go out looking at old monuments and have pub lunches. His wife and DH are not the least bit bothered. We are not the least bit attracted to each other but are really good friends. We like to do those things together. Why shouldn't we ?

M

I don't sneak iff though- we make arrangements well in advance and his wife and DH know where we are going. She often drops us off out in the wilds and we walk back.

@SEOeieio

If it's completely innocent, I'd expect him to sometimes mention that he was going to meet up with her for a walk, not keep silent until after the fact. Is he perhaps keeping quiet beforehand because he can sense that you're unhappy with it?

On its own, with no other reason to be suspicious, it's probably nothing, but that doesn't mean I'd like it.

IF HE KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO BE THERE he might tell his wife in advance. If he doesn't, how could he? Borrow the Tardis and go back half an hour (or to the previous evening, if she was asleep on Sunday morning when he left the house): "Oh by the way darling, I shall have met Sandy out dog-walking..."

It's that he's being shifty about it that makes it seem like he knows something's not ok about his feelings or actions.

Wouldn't bother me. Why doesn't he tell you though?

With first husband. Yes, I’d be worried. We got divorced.

Second husband, no, definitely not.

Only you know YOUR husband.

I can't see the issue - men and women can be friends, walking dogs together is a pretty innocuous activity.

@me4real

It's that he's being shifty about it that makes it seem like he knows something's not ok about his feelings or actions.

If telling his wife when he gets home that he met someone out dog-walking is "being shifty", I'm a banana.