I am not a teachable moment

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR
AIBU I am not a teachable moment, just because I am in a wheelchair.

LONG VERSION
I was in a shoe shop with my child today. A mother with a 3yo was sat across from us. I see them talking and the mother is repeatedly telling her young child to walk over to me.Saying to her "Go ask her."

This makes me very uncomfortable and I know what is going to happen next.

Eventually the young child walks over and asks why I am in a wheelchair. I smile nicely and tell the little girl in a quiet voice, "I just got sick". The girl returns to the mother.

The mother shouts back over to me across the room, what did you tell my daughter? I repeated my answer. The entitled mother replies Is that all the answer I am going to get?

Yes, I said.

She started muttering about how I should want to talk to her daughter and tell her about my chair. She really thought I would be honoured to explain my personal medical details in the middle of a shop!

I replied. No, I am here shoe shopping with my daughter. Luckily the shoes arrived at that moment and my daughter and me left the shop.

I left feeling very upset and being asked to explain my existence, when all I wanted was to pick up school shoes with my child.

Taking into account the following...

1. Parents should answer their kids questions themselves.

Q.Mummy, why is that lady in a wheelchair? A. That lady's legs probably don't work as well as yours or she might be sick.

1. Think about how rude and potentially upsetting it is to ask for a strangers medical information or for details of a tragic accident. Which is what is actually being asked for.

1. Consider how asking me questions in public affect my children, who hear how people talk to me. One of my children is already frightened I will die soon. Because of all the hospital visits, all my falls, my pain and getting the wheelchair. She has nightmares and clings to me. Every nosey person asking me questions upsets her. Luckily I wasn't with that particular child today.

1. What is the point of the question? What would you do with the answer, if I explained all my personal medical information to you? Absolutely nothing, so you are interrupting my life for no reason. Upsetting me just to entertain your curiosity.

1. For this entitled mother it was a single short conversation, probably already forgotten.

For me it is every day, where ever I go, whatever I do. I get looks, questions and/or actions about my wheelchair. And I have decades of this nonsense ahead of me.

Sigh. I am just a person. My chair is just a fancier version of crutches. I am just me.

AIBU to live my life without being constantly asked to be a teachable moment?

Ps. I am always polite to the kids but I am starting to think a more sweary response might be appropriate for the constant intrusive questions from adults. Surely they should know better?

Oh my god that’s horrifying how bloody dare she! As someone with a spinal condition, I am shocked that someone would do that! I get a few questions when I use the mobility scooters or my stick but it’s usually because the kids think my mobility scooter looks fun 🙄 but usually quite harmless. I have a facial difference that I’ve had since birth so I’m kinda used to stares, and I prefer when they ask questions but that’s my personal preference

Why on earth do people think its acceptable to do this. Yanbu op

@HerRoyalHappiness

I had a friend who used a wheelchair but could walk, there were reasons why she would sometimes use a wheelchair but not relevant. Her favourite trick when she felt people were being inappropriate was to get out of her chair and start to walk while shouting, "It's a miracle, it's a miracle. I can walk." Staring people would look very confused and walk off.

I was once in my chair when someone had parked across the dropped curb and told me they'd be 10 minutes so I stood up and pushed my chair over the road and hopped back in on the other side. His jaw literally dropped

At least he gave you a laugh. My friend liked shocking people, she was good at it but if you knew her she had a vulnerable streak underneath it.

What an entitled cunt

Obviously the follow up of “is that is “ was mad ..
But tbh , in this day and age I wouldn’t know what to do?
If DC were to ask within ear shot , I’d be aware of insert ‘splaining to my child?
Children are curious and obviously, if we don’t teach them that there may be differences between us all, and hopefully one day they’ll not even think about why some one is differently abled, and just see the person ? Surely this is the “lesson”?

Must be exhausting having to be ready to deal with that at any moment - of course , you’re only human and allowed to be pissed off.

Truly, and with care- what should we say? If anything? I would hate to piss off or hurt anyone.

*PS I totally do realise you are an individual, and not a spokesperson

Jesus wept. YANBU. I mean, the initial sending the child over could have been well-intentioned but very misguided, but her reaction to what you said makes it very clear that she's a self-centred, insensitive arse, nota well-intentioned person at all. I'm so sorry you were subjected to this. How dare she be so patrinising as to think you'd be grateful or honoured - what a stupid woman!

But you see this sort of advice a lot, and also disabled people saying that they want people to talk to them and ask questions. So it's one of those situations where maybe you can't win

I have always assumed this to mean “people the disabled person already knows”, ie colleagues should ask questions about reasonable adjustments etc rather than just guessing. Not that disabled people want complete randoms marching up to them and demanding their full medical history.

PS Next time, throw a shoe.

I mean, it would be very very wrong to say “I just got sick. Why is that lady (pointing to entitled mother) such an insufferable cunt? Go ask her.”

But only because the entitled mother isn’t her kid’s fault.

@TheRemotePart

Obviously the follow up of “is that is “ was mad .. But tbh , in this day and age I wouldn’t know what to do? If DC were to ask within ear shot , I’d be aware of insert ‘splaining to my child? Children are curious and obviously, if we don’t teach them that there may be differences between us all, and hopefully one day they’ll not even think about why some one is differently abled, and just see the person ? Surely this is the “lesson”?

Must be exhausting having to be ready to deal with that at any moment - of course , you’re only human and allowed to be pissed off.

Truly, and with care- what should we say? If anything? I would hate to piss off or hurt anyone.

*PS I totally do realise you are an individual, and not a spokesperson

Something like what I said upthread "I don't know why this lady needs her chair, but usually people need to use wheelchairs if their legs can't walk very far" would be fine. It's very general, and the child doesn't need to know the actual reason for that specific person needing a chair, at that age.

Wow. Sorry you get this OP. While it doesn’t sound like the mother’s motives were necessarily bad, her behaviour was completely thoughtless and it is depressing that there are people who just can’t see the issues with this type of behaviour.

@MrsGinnyM

PS Next time, throw a shoe.

Lol Love this answer

Yudnbu, so wrong and so rude, I’m so sorry that happened to you, x

YANBU, what you said in your OP, 1. Parents should answer their kids questions themselves.
Q.Mummy, why is that lady in a wheelchair?
A. That lady's legs probably don't work as well as yours or she might be sick. is basically what I do. I think it's completely unreasonable for parents to tell their children to ask you questions. That your DC is there, even worse. It's a very entitled attitude to think you owe their child any explanation. I'm sorry you've had to deal with these people treating you this way and making your daughter's worries worse. I have my own, health issues, I haven't had to deal with people like this, as it's not obvious, but as I've been getting noticeably worse I can see the effect of that on my DC, how they worry something will happen to me.

People are such cunts. I'd be tempted to throw a brick, rather than a shoe, but I fear there might be legal repercussions for that...

Unfortunately, some high profile people with disabilities have planted this idea that it is better to ask the person rather than stare. If you ask my 14 year old son ( who has spent his life in wheelchairs) he would disagree.
So now we have parents thinking their little darlings are entitled to an explanation. It's nuts. I agree with you all the way OP.

I often use a walking stick (rheumatoid arthritis) and as I'm not a little old lady, nosy buggers do ask questions. I don't mind DC who randomly ask in the middle of Sainsbury's Local - I just say my legs don't always do what I tell them. Those who are downright rude/intrusive are advised that it doesn't matter what my problem is because Jesus loves us all regardless and would they like a leaflet!

Yes I do get pretty pissy with the 'motivational speaker' types who, in using their disabilities to make a living, at the same time, instill this idea in the rest of the world that we're all profound, inspirational beings there to motivate and answer any frigging question they like.

They do not and cannot speak for us all - I am not an inspiration, and I might have better shit to do than answer silly questions or rude, personal questions when going about my day.

@RobertaFirmino

I often use a walking stick (rheumatoid arthritis) and as I'm not a little old lady, nosy buggers do ask questions. I don't mind DC who randomly ask in the middle of Sainsbury's Local - I just say my legs don't always do what I tell them. Those who are downright rude/intrusive are advised that it doesn't matter what my problem is because Jesus loves us all regardless and would they like a leaflet!

I'd tell them it's a stick to hit nosey people with!

Rude. No other word for it. I'm sorry you have had to encounter this

So sorry OP 💐

This kind of superiorty and lack of empathy and respect on the part of the mother is utterly intolerable.

If any other kid comes up to you, I think I'd say 'could you ask your mummy to come and have a quick word with me, please?'
...

I can't believe people do that. "Oh look how inclusive we are taking to the disabled person about themselves " it's just awful I would not dream of asking anyone I didn't know about their personal or medical history.

Years ago a new colleague asked me (or I volunteered I can't remember) about my kids. After I'd spoken about them I said "do you have kids?" She looked at me and said "no" then said nothing and just stared at me. I honestly wanted the ground to open up. I didn't want to pry into her medical background/life choices and she obviously wasn't going to make me more comfortable. I learnt a good lesson that day don't assume and don't ask personal questions to people you don't know.

That’s horrendous. What a rude entitled bitch. I feel sorry for her kid who is going to get herself into all sorts of trouble being encouraged to be so rude to people
YANBU

I can't believe some people think it's ok to act like that. So sorry OP!