I am not a teachable moment

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR
AIBU I am not a teachable moment, just because I am in a wheelchair.

LONG VERSION
I was in a shoe shop with my child today. A mother with a 3yo was sat across from us. I see them talking and the mother is repeatedly telling her young child to walk over to me.Saying to her "Go ask her."

This makes me very uncomfortable and I know what is going to happen next.

Eventually the young child walks over and asks why I am in a wheelchair. I smile nicely and tell the little girl in a quiet voice, "I just got sick". The girl returns to the mother.

The mother shouts back over to me across the room, what did you tell my daughter? I repeated my answer. The entitled mother replies Is that all the answer I am going to get?

Yes, I said.

She started muttering about how I should want to talk to her daughter and tell her about my chair. She really thought I would be honoured to explain my personal medical details in the middle of a shop!

I replied. No, I am here shoe shopping with my daughter. Luckily the shoes arrived at that moment and my daughter and me left the shop.

I left feeling very upset and being asked to explain my existence, when all I wanted was to pick up school shoes with my child.

Taking into account the following...

1. Parents should answer their kids questions themselves.

Q.Mummy, why is that lady in a wheelchair? A. That lady's legs probably don't work as well as yours or she might be sick.

1. Think about how rude and potentially upsetting it is to ask for a strangers medical information or for details of a tragic accident. Which is what is actually being asked for.

1. Consider how asking me questions in public affect my children, who hear how people talk to me. One of my children is already frightened I will die soon. Because of all the hospital visits, all my falls, my pain and getting the wheelchair. She has nightmares and clings to me. Every nosey person asking me questions upsets her. Luckily I wasn't with that particular child today.

1. What is the point of the question? What would you do with the answer, if I explained all my personal medical information to you? Absolutely nothing, so you are interrupting my life for no reason. Upsetting me just to entertain your curiosity.

1. For this entitled mother it was a single short conversation, probably already forgotten.

For me it is every day, where ever I go, whatever I do. I get looks, questions and/or actions about my wheelchair. And I have decades of this nonsense ahead of me.

Sigh. I am just a person. My chair is just a fancier version of crutches. I am just me.

AIBU to live my life without being constantly asked to be a teachable moment?

Ps. I am always polite to the kids but I am starting to think a more sweary response might be appropriate for the constant intrusive questions from adults. Surely they should know better?

YANBU. How rude. None of her business.

I had a friend who used a wheelchair but could walk, there were reasons why she would sometimes use a wheelchair but not relevant. Her favourite trick when she felt people were being inappropriate was to get out of her chair and start to walk while shouting, "It's a miracle, it's a miracle. I can walk." Staring people would look very confused and walk off.

I was once in my chair when someone had parked across the dropped curb and told me they'd be 10 minutes so I stood up and pushed my chair over the road and hopped back in on the other side. His jaw literally dropped

@Topsyturvyloo I am glad this thread made you think.

TBH until I got ill and needed my chair. I didn't really think about things like this.

Now it is my every day and I am learning how to navigate the world in a different way.

Of course I only speak for myself and maybe when I am more comfortable with my situation , I might feel differently. But at the moment this is where I am.

Agree.
DD is missing her hand and people think they can just come up and look/touch/ask questions. Yes these are people old enough to know better too.

Wow!! This is unbelievably rude and entitled. Sorry for your experience OP

God no, YANBU! Parent should definitely have answered her DD's question herself.

The first part of that incident (the little girl being nudged to ask) was awkward but could perhaps be vaguely excused (although I'd never do that myself... sounds very intrusive)
The second part (the mum demanding more details) is unbelievably entitled and dehumanising. That woman is a complete twat.

YANBU at all OP.

Next time loudly tell the kid “it’s rude to ask strangers personal questions! Your mummy should know that.”

YANBU OP. I would never dream of sending my DC to ask someone personal questions like that. If they ask me I will try my best to explain to them myself because it is my job as their mother, not some strangers job.

Next time insist they first explain about their personality disorder, that makes them think it’s ok to ask intrusive questions of complete strangers

This

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I wish you'd enabled voting so you could have seen 100%YANBU. What the hell was she thinking??

MN is a reflection of society and I guarantee it would unfortunately not be 100%.

YANBU OP - take your pick from from me.

How rude that mother was!

Next time tell the child you're sick then say "now go ask your mum how she got the clap"

God people can be so weird and virtue signally around disabled people.

Wow how awful!! When my son was about 3 , he loudly shouted Mummy why is that man in a pushchair?
The man heard him and was so kind, explaining he had been in an accident and his legs were poorly. He wasn't offended at all and was happy to answer my boys questions.
I would never dream of sending a child over to someone to ask them!!

It is just astonishing what people feel entitled to do, especially in the name of their children. There is a long way to go with people understanding what is ok and not, but I think there are some people who will never get it. I am so sorry you had that awful experience.

YANBU what a twat

Yanbu. That was horribly crass of the parent.

I've done a quick online search and a lot of things like this

It’s so important that children aren’t shamed for asking these types of questions,” Blake said. “When I’m out in public, I’ll sometimes hear children ask their parents, ‘What’s wrong with her?’ as the children point at me. So often, the parents will ignore the question or tell the children to be quiet. I just want to shout, ‘It’s OK to have them ask me!’ I seriously don’t mind answering questions like these, and I think the more honest and open dialogue that we can have about disabilities, the less those types of questions will be taboo.”
This was in the HuffPost

Come up. I think this mum was an arse not to back off completely when she realized that you didn't want to do this.

But a lot of the articles about how to talk to your dc about disability written by disabled people do give out this kind of advice without mentioning that other disabled people won't want this approach.

OP this is so rude and self centred and ignorant. I’m sorry you had to go through this

YADNBU, that was awful.

I agree OP. (although I also agree that there was some kind of thing/advice a while ago where it was advised to ask the person directly...shocking!). The mother was 100% in the wrong to send her child over.
A quick answer from the mother, something like "There are a lot of reasons why some people need a wheelchair. I don't know this lady, but usually it's because their legs can't walk as far as yours can" would have sufficed.
I'm sorry you met such a rude and insensitive woman.

@Hoppymclimpy I hear you. I have had loads of nice meaning but upsetting statements.
"You are so brave"
"I wouldn't be able to get out of the house, if I was you"
"Can I pray for you"
"I have prayed for you"
"I couldn't cope"
"What a shame, at your age"
But they mean well, so I take it in the manner meant. Even though sometimes it hurts.

Wow! Either you go the ‘smile and wave boys, smile and wave’ and giggle about people’s rudeness with your child. Or, in a moment when you (and you alone) feel like saying “in the words of Porky Pig “piss off Lou” you should and feel no guilt lovely lady.

Or, you could say something to the child and hope the mother takes the hint for future moments of madness… “I am a person, this chair is a tool that I need. Before I can answer your question, can you ask your mother to share with me the intimate details of her last Gynie appointment whilst I reframe my incredulity at her rudeness?’
Pause.
Rude entitled parent comment xyz
“Madness arising from Syphilis is surely the only explanation that can justify your rudeness?” And wheel on by to the wonderful tune by Ms Dionne Warwick, playing in your head. All any none of the above, but I am humbled by your grace and astonished by her (mama’s rudeness).

When I first became disabled and joined a group where people had similar issues, I could not understand how/why people were so rude to those who asked about it. It wasn't long before I did, having had to placate my usually ridiculously easy-going partner after one particular inquisition. After wanting all the grim details of how it came about and the surgeries that followed, the interrogator made the glib response "oh well, it could be worse, you could've broken your arm" :O I shook my head in disbelief and walked away - broken arms fix, this was and is so much more - my partner was absolutely fuming.

After that I came up with a couple of brutally blunt responses that pretty much stopped people in their tracks. Twenty years on, I don't get asked so frequently, thank goodness.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such thoughtless people, and hope that it gets easier to let it roll over you in time.

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

I’m sorry OP. There are too many twats around.