I am not a teachable moment

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR
AIBU I am not a teachable moment, just because I am in a wheelchair.

LONG VERSION
I was in a shoe shop with my child today. A mother with a 3yo was sat across from us. I see them talking and the mother is repeatedly telling her young child to walk over to me.Saying to her "Go ask her."

This makes me very uncomfortable and I know what is going to happen next.

Eventually the young child walks over and asks why I am in a wheelchair. I smile nicely and tell the little girl in a quiet voice, "I just got sick". The girl returns to the mother.

The mother shouts back over to me across the room, what did you tell my daughter? I repeated my answer. The entitled mother replies Is that all the answer I am going to get?

Yes, I said.

She started muttering about how I should want to talk to her daughter and tell her about my chair. She really thought I would be honoured to explain my personal medical details in the middle of a shop!

I replied. No, I am here shoe shopping with my daughter. Luckily the shoes arrived at that moment and my daughter and me left the shop.

I left feeling very upset and being asked to explain my existence, when all I wanted was to pick up school shoes with my child.

Taking into account the following...

1. Parents should answer their kids questions themselves.

Q.Mummy, why is that lady in a wheelchair? A. That lady's legs probably don't work as well as yours or she might be sick.

1. Think about how rude and potentially upsetting it is to ask for a strangers medical information or for details of a tragic accident. Which is what is actually being asked for.

1. Consider how asking me questions in public affect my children, who hear how people talk to me. One of my children is already frightened I will die soon. Because of all the hospital visits, all my falls, my pain and getting the wheelchair. She has nightmares and clings to me. Every nosey person asking me questions upsets her. Luckily I wasn't with that particular child today.

1. What is the point of the question? What would you do with the answer, if I explained all my personal medical information to you? Absolutely nothing, so you are interrupting my life for no reason. Upsetting me just to entertain your curiosity.

1. For this entitled mother it was a single short conversation, probably already forgotten.

For me it is every day, where ever I go, whatever I do. I get looks, questions and/or actions about my wheelchair. And I have decades of this nonsense ahead of me.

Sigh. I am just a person. My chair is just a fancier version of crutches. I am just me.

AIBU to live my life without being constantly asked to be a teachable moment?

Ps. I am always polite to the kids but I am starting to think a more sweary response might be appropriate for the constant intrusive questions from adults. Surely they should know better?

I do completely see your point of view OP and that particular woman sounds utterly obnoxious and rude

However I’ve worked with people with disabilities (both physical and learning) for years and have frequently heard them speak as key speakers etc, I’d say at least 50% have publicly said they wished parents would encourage their children to speak to them rather than ignore them/parents tell them not to stare be quiet etc when then are inquisitive rather than just ignoring their existence
So whilst yes I totally agree you shouldn’t be a teachable moment (and that woman was a cow to then confront/argue with you) it may have been done with the intent of inclusion rather than malice

Dd, now 25, tells people she’s a princess and shouldn’t be expected to walk. Soon sends people scuttling away!

Incredibly rude of her.

I can sort of see why she thought the initial going over and asking you politely might be ok - for instance she might have thought it ruder to guess or to be obviously talking about you.

But once you’d given your (perfectly adequate in any circumstances) reply she should have left it at that. Shouting over at you and expecting you to parent/ teach her child was just incredibly rude. And obviously so - not any kind of grey area where you could say “oh maybe she thought…”.

She categorically had no right to ask about your medical history etc though so you were utterly right in your response and some people need to realise they don’t have the god given right to that information! 💐

I've got MS and sometimes need crutches. The cheek of some people is amazing. It's nothing to do with you why I'm on crutches. Sod off!

You're obviously not being unreasonable. Do you follow Nina Tame on Instagram? She's fantastic.

YANBU. She was incredibly rude.

yanbu. This is so awful and I feel for you and your daughter being treated in this insensitive manner.

That's horrible op sorry you went through that and if I had been there I'd have told her where to go as I'm sure many other people would have.

My dd asks 25 million questions every minute about any and everything. She asks why that man has brown skin, why does that lady have 1 leg, why is that man fat, etc. My go to response is because people come in all colours, shapes and sizes and if we all looked the same then life would be boring. I then remind her that we don't comment on other people's body's unless it's to say something nice.

That lady was awful and entitled and I hope she steps on a lego.

That woman is an idiot and yes entitled. She's also assuming you want to talk about your personal circumstances to a stranger - bonkers.

@ShinyS1

As other people have said, I've read that some disabled people or people with a disabled child would prefer someone to politely ask why that person/their child looked different/was in a wheelchair rather than stare or whisper. So I think there's maybe mixed messages going on, and maybe that is why the woman encouraged the child to ask. However her behaviour after your response to the child was jaw droppingly rude! What the hell! YANBU at all.

I personally would not ask, or encourage my child to ask, as it seems a strange, random and rude thing to ask someone that you don't know and have never met before.

It’s not really mixed messages though is it. Disabled people aren’t one homogenous blob with the same thoughts and feelings. It’s like someone on social media that they are a hugger and will hug a new acquaintance when being introduced, someone reading that and then thinking the right thing to do is hug everyone they meet.

Use your common sense, tell children not to stare and whisper because that’s not nice, explain that some people have different abilities and it’s none of your business why. If the other person looks engaged and like they’re inviting a conversation by all means include them. I doubt the OP was giving off those sort or vibes.

I wish you'd enabled voting so you could have seen 100%YANBU. What the hell was she thinking??

Just a reminder for the small number of posters saying that certain disabled online/key speakers people welcome questions. Good for them. That doesn't mean I welcome questions. I agreed with Nina Tame on intrusive questions. Look her up on Instagram.

Consent can not be given on the behalf of others. These online/key speakers can give consent for people to approach and question them personally. But this does not mean that their consent covers all people in wheelchairs! It simply can't.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I wish you'd enabled voting so you could have seen 100%YANBU. What the hell was she thinking??

Lol, there are always lurkers. It is rare to get a 100% agreement!

I think it's a right give away that she said 'that's all the answer I'm going to get then?!'

She acknowledged in that statement that she's a right nosy cah, who didn't have the guts to try and assuage her curiosity herself, but got her poor little kid to do her dirty work. No better than she ought to be, that one.

You're a better woman than me OP. I'd have been a teachable moment alright. I'd have taught her that it's very rude to ask strangers personal questions like that.

I genuinely think some able bodied people think those who aren’t able bodied are stupid and don’t have bodily autonomy. The same ones who speak to my husband slowly and loudly, as him having a physical disability obviously means he is dim.

YANBU - in honesty i have previously thought it to be a good idea to ask directly rather than feel we where discussing something behind someone’s back - talking about someone not too them .

but you are really made me realise how awful and offensive it might be to ask someone directly about their business in such a way .

so.Sorry to you and anyone else whom in my complete single minded ignorance i may have previously offended and rest assured i’ll take your experience as a learning point. i’m sorry. i hope others learn aswell.

YANBU shocking behaviour

So angry that this happened to you. YANBU what a horrible woman!

@HerRoyalHappiness

Yanbu at all. I also use a wheelchair, but not all of the time so I've had people blatantly call me a liar, while I'm stood there with my rollator because I cant walk unaided, and others give me funny looks when I'm in my chair.

I had a friend who used a wheelchair but could walk, there were reasons why she would sometimes use a wheelchair but not relevant. Her favourite trick when she felt people were being inappropriate was to get out of her chair and start to walk while shouting, "It's a miracle, it's a miracle. I can walk." Staring people would look very confused and walk off.

So rude. Sorry this happened to you. And to the pp with the little girl and the party, I really have no words! People can be so so awful.

I seem to remember normally responding with something like, "I don't know darling, I imagine it helps her get around more easily."

27 years ago I was referred to King's and the famous obstetrician Kypros Nikolaides. I had a twin pregnancy - one baby would not survive because of a heart defect. Suddenly there were 18 people in the room all quite excited about this interesting case. 18!! I clearly remember it as it was a tall building and there was a thunderstorm. No thought that there was a couple grieving here because they'd just had difficult news.

Am sorry this happened to you. It's horrendous. And shockingly entitled. It's bad enough she asked the daughter to come ask you but worse she then expected you to tell an entire story.

Also thanks for the tips on how to deal with kids' curiousity. My kid always tries to figure out all sort of disabilities and I try to answer discreetly. As an 18ish month old he used to think wheelchairs are prams and wanted one himself (is still fascinated by wheelchairs so I had a bit of an awkward moment today in a lift when he got excited at a lady on a wheelchair attached to a shopping trolley).
You are not being unreasonable. You don't owe anyone your life story

These days, if it was my littlen, I'd suggest information from Google will yield a wide range of answers.

All the best op