I am not a teachable moment

[Worrysaboutalot]

TLTR
AIBU I am not a teachable moment, just because I am in a wheelchair.

LONG VERSION
I was in a shoe shop with my child today. A mother with a 3yo was sat across from us. I see them talking and the mother is repeatedly telling her young child to walk over to me.Saying to her "Go ask her."

This makes me very uncomfortable and I know what is going to happen next.

Eventually the young child walks over and asks why I am in a wheelchair. I smile nicely and tell the little girl in a quiet voice, "I just got sick". The girl returns to the mother.

The mother shouts back over to me across the room, what did you tell my daughter? I repeated my answer. The entitled mother replies Is that all the answer I am going to get?

Yes, I said.

She started muttering about how I should want to talk to her daughter and tell her about my chair. She really thought I would be honoured to explain my personal medical details in the middle of a shop!

I replied. No, I am here shoe shopping with my daughter. Luckily the shoes arrived at that moment and my daughter and me left the shop.

I left feeling very upset and being asked to explain my existence, when all I wanted was to pick up school shoes with my child.

Taking into account the following...

1. Parents should answer their kids questions themselves.

Q.Mummy, why is that lady in a wheelchair? A. That lady's legs probably don't work as well as yours or she might be sick.

1. Think about how rude and potentially upsetting it is to ask for a strangers medical information or for details of a tragic accident. Which is what is actually being asked for.

1. Consider how asking me questions in public affect my children, who hear how people talk to me. One of my children is already frightened I will die soon. Because of all the hospital visits, all my falls, my pain and getting the wheelchair. She has nightmares and clings to me. Every nosey person asking me questions upsets her. Luckily I wasn't with that particular child today.

1. What is the point of the question? What would you do with the answer, if I explained all my personal medical information to you? Absolutely nothing, so you are interrupting my life for no reason. Upsetting me just to entertain your curiosity.

1. For this entitled mother it was a single short conversation, probably already forgotten.

For me it is every day, where ever I go, whatever I do. I get looks, questions and/or actions about my wheelchair. And I have decades of this nonsense ahead of me.

Sigh. I am just a person. My chair is just a fancier version of crutches. I am just me.

AIBU to live my life without being constantly asked to be a teachable moment?

Ps. I am always polite to the kids but I am starting to think a more sweary response might be appropriate for the constant intrusive questions from adults. Surely they should know better?

Jeepers, that's horrible! I'm so sorry you had to listen to all that.

Incredibly rude. I would have been . I'm also in a wheelchair. YANBU at all.

That’s appalling on the mother’s part.

I would like to think I’d have a witty retort but I would probably only come up with one later, like “oh doesn’t your mummy know it’s rude to ask very personal questions?” and then a perfect hard stare at the mum.

In real life I would be gobsmacked at the behaviour and feel very uncomfortable and wouldn’t know what to do. I think you handled it well given the total insensitivity of the mum.

How very rude. Totally unacceptable. Why should you have to explain your disability to a random stranger in a shop? I'm sorry this happened to you.

Jesus, you are not being unreasonable with bells on.

If it happens in future, I’d just say well your mum can answer that for you and send them back. And if the parents ask you point out the lady’s legs probably don’t work that well is the obvious answer.

God people are thick and rude.

Sorry you had that OP.

Idiot woman! I do hate the notion that I have been expected to explain why sometimes I walk with a stick or limp and sometimes I don't (and sometimes I'm on a bike). I've been told I must be fitter than someone else because I walk/cycle my child to school regularly. Seemingly suggesting my limp / difficultie don't happen. But there's no way I'm going to justify myself (which it its like being asked to do).
You shouldn't need a prepared response, it's not her business. Sorry she made the trip a pain! for having dealt with such a person.

She was outrageously rude! YANBU!

Good. Lord.

You are not unreasonable, OP.

My DD was born with a cleft lip, which wasn't repaired until much later than usual because of cardiac issues; she also had an Ng tube. I would happily answer questions from children if the moment was right and I was in the right frame of mind to but I have never experienced a child being sent like that. Usually, the parent would come dashing over when they realised, all apologies.

When adults stared I used to make eye contact with them and say 'yes, she's beautiful isn't she?' which usually discombobulated them to my satisfaction.

That woman didn't see you as a person OP and I'm so sorry that happened. She's got no excuse.

YADNBU and I'm sorry you were put in that position by such shocking parental entitlememt.

My stock answer to DD if she asks similar questions is: "that's none of our business".

Eg

DD "why has that man got a wheelchair'?'
Me: to help him get around.
DD "but whats wrong with his legs?"
Me: that's none of our business.

She's also regularly reminded not to ask personal questions within earshot. As I say, it's simply none of our business.

That’s so shit. And especially hard because it’s not the three year old’s fault so you had to kind of give an answer. I got told by a counsellor that it was a blessing in some ways that my daughter has a disability so that kids in her class can learn about diversity.

Now I’d say that’s an interesting pov and one I can get behind.

I’ve heard very often (Incl. many times on MN) that when a child asks a question like this, they should be encouraged to go and ask. That the disabled person will be delighted to answer . It has always sounded bonkers to me.

I’m really sorry this happens to you so often. It’s shit.

The BBC once did an article on how to explain disabilities to young children.
They interviewed disabled people and their Not thing was, ask us!
So maybe she read that and thought that all disabled people would want to be asked?

Sorry she upset you. I hope your day got better!

yanbu double yanbu and you made a nice response....I'd have been tempted to say go back and ask your mother why she is so stupid and ugly.

Sorry... their No1 thing was, ask us!

@LittleSnakes

That’s so shit. And especially hard because it’s not the three year old’s fault so you had to kind of give an answer. I got told by a counsellor that it was a blessing in some ways that my daughter has a disability so that kids in her class can learn about diversity.

and did she enjoy her time in hospital with the broken nose?

There are sooooo many rude people in the world it’s unbelievable! My son is the type of child to ask me ‘why is that lady in a wheelchair?’ I say there are many reasons why they may need one and it’s none of our business

An alternative slant on performance parenting - using anyone and everyone as a prop for their performance so their child will enjoy an enriched learning experience.

Nothing about the comfort or wellbeing of others, just all about them.

I’m shocked anyone would think this is ok! I

It’s natural to be curious, especially children, but you pacify them with a simple answer like you said.

You don’t send them to talk to the person

Sorry about this OP.

Wow I’m shocked! How incredibly rude. I’m sorry you had to go through that experience and hope that any nutter who would say such a thing, reads this and thinks twice in the future!

I've seen some posts from disabled people on social media saying that best thing to do is to just let the children ask them questions.

Not excusing any rude behaviour of course.

It’s awful , tho at least can see you are disabled, with mental health unseen worse.
Folk are naturally curious tho, you just are you whether disabled mentally or physically

OP, that's fucking awful.
When DC2 was born I realised they didn't seem able to see anything. It turned out that they have a quite rare genetic condition (but do luckily have some useful vision). When doing the rounds of doctors, paediatricians and other specialists it was amazing how many people popped out of the woodwork to come and see DC2 as if they were some kind of sideshow. I eventually toughened up and said if I didn't want extra people there.
YWNBU to say 'that's a very personal question' in future - and if necessary follow it up with 'mind your own business'.

Well I didn’t go back much longer.

"Is that all the answer I am going to get"

W.T.F.

How did you resist the temptation to say that you were trying to protect the child from being scared but the truth is the monster that's under your bed at night is REAL and it got you.

I'm kidding, obviously.

Mother was horribly rude. You are indeed not a teachable moment.

That was to god