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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have an off feeling about him?

117 replies

ell06 · 22/01/2022 14:51

I have been seeing a guy for about 8 weeks and at first it was lovely. He was kind and attentive and funny.

I've more or less stayed every weekend since our second date and more and more things are annoying me.

He was showing me videos on his phone and a chat popped down from Snapchat (we'll call her Emma).

I didn't say anything.

I looked at his Instagram and found "Emma", she lives in the same town as him and has an only fans. He follows her personal and her only fans instagrams.

He's liked most half naked photos of her.

I went to the pub with him last weekend and met his friends (they were all lovely and a mix of male and female). His female friends (they've all been friends since secondary school) all said to me that I must be special as they've only met two other girls who were girlfriends and that he's trustworthy and loyal and a genuinely nice person.

We had both had a drink and I saw Emma pop up on his phone again, I asked who she was and he repeated her name like he needed time to think then said "oh she's lovely I'll introduce you" 🤨 hasn't mentioned it since.

I had an op yesterday and came to stay at his last night, he's got a cold, barely asked me how I was feeling and this morning seemed really off going to work.

Little things are annoying me like how he made himself lunch today, sat next to me and ate it and never offered me any, I'd never do this to anyone who was at my house whilst I was eating.

I just have this feeling he's going to end up hurting me and it's a feeling at the pit of my stomach I can't explain. I think it's showing as I'm not myself around him at the minute and honestly I don't know why I keep coming back apart from the fact I like/liked him and who he seemed as a person.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

ell06 · 22/01/2022 20:07

I definitely won't argue with him, I'm not a confrontational person and from what I can gather, he's not eithee.

OP posts:

chilling19 · 22/01/2022 20:15

Go to bed now. Get up really early and drive home. Then dump.

lavender2022 · 22/01/2022 20:17

I just have this feeling he's going to end up hurting me and it's a feeling at the pit of my stomach I can't explain

Go with that feeling in your gut. He sounds like a time-waster. LTB as this will only get worse.

BordelDeMerde · 22/01/2022 20:17

@VelvetChairGirl

I dont know why lunch bothered you if you didnt ask for any, I grow up in a home where each person ate when they wanted, your meals are you own not a family affair its not christmas.

I find this really sad. Do you only have family meals at Christmas?

Op, I hope you're OK tonight and that you can make it home early tomorrow. Take care of yourself and then dump his sorry arse.

RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 20:29

I agree with staying, I wouldn’t spend £50
On a taxi personally. Just wait till the morning.

StruggleStreet · 23/01/2022 09:08

Are you okay OP? Hope the night wasn’t too bad and you’re home now

CarrieBradshaw1 · 23/01/2022 09:22

Yes let us know OP!

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/01/2022 09:26

Hope you're ok OP

Original poster

ell06 · 23/01/2022 09:26

I'm home thank god.

He woke me up at 5 putting the light on and watching videos on his phone.

I said I didn't feel well and left.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 23/01/2022 09:31

Glad you are home now OP.

Now you have some space to decide on your next move.

All the best.

Dearblossom · 23/01/2022 09:32

5am! Glad you are home and have found out he's not for you early in the dating.

Take care and have a good rest in your own home

legosnowqueen · 23/01/2022 09:43

Pleased that you are home, trust your instincts here & be relieved that you found out what he's like before you were too entrenched. Have a restful day

callycustard · 23/01/2022 09:51

Think you handled this well. No confrontation or heavy chats while you were there. Now you're home are you going to dump?

DrManhattan · 23/01/2022 09:52

Op breathe a big sigh of relief. You will look back on this and think wtf was I thinking.
You have done the right thing.

Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 09:55

I’m glad you’re out of there.

Send him a message saying “obviously I don’t want to waste a moment more of my time on you. It’s like going out with a teenager. Bye.”

SarahBop · 23/01/2022 09:59

Urgh he sounds like a selfish dickhead! Manipulative 10000%

I hope you recover well from your Op.

The thing that strikes me from your posts, is how much you seem to put others needs before your own.

You mentioned that you'd give your last bit of food to a guest....and you went to his despite not wanting to?

I get the feeling that you went because you didn't want HIM to feel put out/felt guilty turning him down, so instead you put your own gut feeling aside [which was no, just stay in your own home] and went off to his because he demanded you to.

I mean it with all due respect, but I think you need to work on your boundaries. Learn that saying NO is perfectly fine and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, listen to your gut instinct.
Your initial reaction to a scenario/invite etc, is what you need to follow...don't mould yourself in to fit other peoples needs, or you will continue to attract these Narc type characters.

Tullig · 23/01/2022 09:59

There’s a lesson here, OP. Don’t rush into semi-living with someone at weekends after your second date, a few months out of a ten-year relationship that started when you were a teenager. Your boundaries and self-protective instincts are all off, and it sounds as if you’ve been ignoring lots of ‘off’ stuff just because he appeared to be really into you and his friends said he was nice.

Dump, take some time, recalibrate.

Tullig · 23/01/2022 09:59

Good post, @SarahBop.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 23/01/2022 10:18

I would actually ghost this fucker.
That's all he's worth.

Original poster

ell06 · 23/01/2022 10:19

Thank you everyone

I completely get where you are all coming from and I think you're right about boundaries and my level of confidence and self worth is on the floor.

I won't be seeing him again that's for sure and luckily I have the next few weekends planned with girlfriends.

OP posts:

Journeynotdestination · 23/01/2022 10:25

Well done OP, upwards & onwards!

Your posts made me cringe, what a lowlife he is.

christmaskittenincoming · 23/01/2022 10:29

Glad you left!

Did you say anything to him about his behaviour?

Tullig · 23/01/2022 10:30

@ell06

Thank you everyone

I completely get where you are all coming from and I think you're right about boundaries and my level of confidence and self worth is on the floor.

I won't be seeing him again that's for sure and luckily I have the next few weekends planned with girlfriends.

Good call, OP. Go and spend time having fun with your friends and chalk this up to experience.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/01/2022 10:31

Send him a message telling him he has treated you terribly , give a few examples then block him on everything and enjoy being single !

BobHadBitchTits · 23/01/2022 10:32

He's such a prick!

Lucky escape, OP. They don't usually show their true colours so early on.

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