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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friend?

85 replies

kittykat33 · 22/01/2022 13:01

I found out I was pregnant & shared the news with my best friend.

This will be my 2nd baby and they have no children incase that's relevant.

Excitement was short lived as I then had bleeding & pain which we messaged about. I told her I'd got a scan booked at EPU & she wished me well. Scan day came and went and I didn't hear from friend but I brushed it off that she's busy with her own life and etc and either forgot or wasn't sure if I wanted to talk / was waiting for me to mention it first. Anyway, I let her know the scan was inconclusive and that I was waiting for another in two weeks and we chatted and I mentioned I was feeling stressed / anxious / low about it. She was supportive.

The day of the second scan came and went and again, nothing. It's been a few days now and I still haven't heard anything from her. I actually had positive news but can't really be bothered to tell her as she is clearly not thinking of me.

I completely understand that she cares much less about my pregnancy than I do but I'm a bit gutted she doesn't care about me enough to check in how I'm doing.

I know we're all busy and things slip by etc. but I'm upset tbh. I'm also aware I'm hormonal and tired with a toddler and newly pregnant and I'm maybe being a bit dramatic.

AIBU to be upset? Or are they being a shit friend?

OP posts:
HeadToToesNo · 22/01/2022 13:04

I think you are being a bit harsh. She could have all sorts of shit going on that you don't know about. Why not speak to your DH/Partner about your feelings if you want someone to be as excited as you are?

Cardio101 · 22/01/2022 13:05

Maybe she’s waiting for you to message/share what’s happened and doesn’t want to overwhelm you?
You said she was supportive when you told her about the first one, that doesn’t really sound like she’s a shit friend.
Glad the scan was ok!

Pleaseuniverseplease · 22/01/2022 13:06

In your situation I think I'd feel a bit miffed however from an outside view perhaps she's waiting for you to get in touch incase it wasn't good news at the scan and she thought it might be better to wait and hear from you first as maybe you needed some space. Last thing you might want is people calling to see how it went if it didn't go well.
Is your friend struggling to conceive?

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 13:07

Out of interest what effort do you make to check in with her?
What's happening in her life that's important to her?
Your OP does sound rather one sided

bedheadedzombie · 22/01/2022 13:07

I think you are unreasonable.

Glad that your scan went well.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/01/2022 13:09

I too think you are expecting too much from her.

She can't be expected to go through every roller coaster with you IMO. As the PP said, this is what your partner is for.

You said your friend was supportive. She can't be completely enmeshed with it all. She won't be desperate to know the news but will be pleased if all is well. Perhaps keep her less informed of each detail?
I am sure she cares but as you said, she does have her own life.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/01/2022 13:09

My first thought would be fertility issues.

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2022 13:12

Sorry but your making this hard work. Just tell her the news. She doesn't need to be constantly checking in on you. Perhaps she is giving you space. I cant imagine calling a friend to ask how her scan went, I'd wait for her to contact me.

Hugasauras · 22/01/2022 13:16

But it sounds like she was supportive, so I'm not sure why you are testing her like this. Maybe she's lost track of the date, thinks it's another day, or is waiting for you to tell her in your own time. My first instinct if I was the one having the scan would be to message my friend to let her know ASAP, so it seems like you're just trying to make a point and make her chase you instead of just telling her your news 🤷‍♀️

Is there some big back story here why you are assuming the worst of her?

TheSnowyOwl · 22/01/2022 13:18

YABU. Glad all is well with your pregnancy. It must have been a stressful few weeks for you.

Original poster
kittykat33 · 22/01/2022 13:18

I check in with her regularly. I know what's going on in her life and we caught up about some difficulties she's having in that couple of weeks between scans. We had coffee and talked and I didn't once mention the upcoming scan or my own stuff so I don't accept I'm being selfish. I care about her and she knows it.

She's not having fertility issues (that I know of) and it's the sort of thing we would discuss. She's unmarried and only been with her partner about a year. They've recently moved in together and are saving for a house. She plans to have children but wants to have brought a home first ideally. We are only Mid-late 20s so it's not unusual in our friend group. Some of us have kids and others not. Of course she could be having difficulties that I'm unaware of this but no reason to suspect this.

I take I'm clearly being a bit dramatic and I'll contact her. I could tell her less but we are close and would usually talk about these things. Don't get me wrong I don't expect her to be swinging from the ceiling excited or messaging me for updates every 4 seconds but we'd normally discuss even briefly.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 13:19

If she had shown no interest of concern at all, I'd see your point. But she has expressed her support in the phone call you had.

I think you are being a bit unfair to test her like this.

However, I do also get that you are worried & concerned about your pregnancy & so it's the first thing in your mind

vivainsomnia · 22/01/2022 13:23

I'm with you OP. I'm going through a similar situation and I'm so disappointed how a group of very one friends have been communicating about unimportant matters whilst I'm waiting for significant health news I got this week. No-one has asked me if I had heard back even though they knew I was waiting for a response this week.

In my views, as a friend, you take it upon yourself to ask friends to show you care and indeed, that's what I do with them when they go through difficult times so it hurts it's not returned to the point I think I'm going to leave this friendship group.

According to the responses so far though, it seems to be standard.

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 13:24

So it sounds like she's got a lot on and you've not checked in with her either since before your scan

MichelleScarn · 22/01/2022 13:26

You are being very unfair to test her like this. It's actually very mean. Absolutely agree with pp that she was probably waiting for you to contact her, and it's a bit sad you haven't shared that alls OK as she's probably worried but the longer you don't let her know, the less likely she'll want to make the first move.

KO81 · 22/01/2022 13:26

@HeadToToesNo

I think you are being a bit harsh. She could have all sorts of shit going on that you don't know about. Why not speak to your DH/Partner about your feelings if you want someone to be as excited as you are?
I think this is important to remember. You’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, I followed your last thread, but you don’t know what she’s got going on. Be excited, be happy you’ve got good news, and don’t wipe out a friendship because she forgot/was preoccupied/is struggling with something of her own.
Puffalicious · 22/01/2022 13:27

Over-thinking. You're definitely over-thinking this. I'm very glad you got good news, but she'll just have her own things going on, it doesn't mean she loves you any less.

Original poster
kittykat33 · 22/01/2022 13:27

She doesn't particularly have a lot on. I'm not going to share what she is having difficulties with as it's not my place to air her business.

We have spoken since.

I've not deliberately testing her. I take the fact im unreasonable to be upset but I dispute everyone attacking me personally.

I came here for some perspective and I appreciate that.

OP posts:
KO81 · 22/01/2022 13:28

@kittykat33

She doesn't particularly have a lot on. I'm not going to share what she is having difficulties with as it's not my place to air her business.

We have spoken since.

I've not deliberately testing her. I take the fact im unreasonable to be upset but I dispute everyone attacking me personally.

I came here for some perspective and I appreciate that.

That’s ok. Focus on your good news.
TheSnowyOwl · 22/01/2022 13:29

I think it’s very easy to get wrapped up in your own worries and because they are so all consuming for you, be surprised it’s not the case for other people.

Original poster
kittykat33 · 22/01/2022 13:30

FYI I was never going to burn the friendship or make an issue of it. I was just internally feeling upset but I know I've been emotionally overwhelmed and wanted some outside perspective.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 22/01/2022 13:33

She doesn't particularly have a lot on. I'm not going to share what she is having difficulties with as it's not my place to air her business
That she's told you about that is. She have things you don't know about but hasn't shared because of how she thinks things are for you.

Sleepyquest · 22/01/2022 13:33

I wouldn't want to ask. I'd assume if all was well, you'd let me know (if I was your friend). If I hadn't heard from you, I'd be worried sick but would wait for you to tell me so as not to force you into discussing bad news when you might be grieving.

It's a tricky situation and really you should just message to say everything is fine

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 13:35

Simply text her and tell her your good news instead of sitting there testing her and counting the amount of days that go by. That's just one sided bullshit.

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 13:37

@MichelleScarn

She doesn't particularly have a lot on. I'm not going to share what she is having difficulties with as it's not my place to air her business That she's told you about that is. She have things you don't know about but hasn't shared because of how she thinks things are for you.
Exactly. She may well be downplaying her own stuff. Also even if you consider the difficulties she's dealing with to 'not be a lot' they may well be a lot for her. It's not problem-top-trumps

I think you probably both need to be a bit more compassionate to each other and communicate better