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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friend?

85 replies

kittykat33 · 22/01/2022 13:01

I found out I was pregnant & shared the news with my best friend.

This will be my 2nd baby and they have no children incase that's relevant.

Excitement was short lived as I then had bleeding & pain which we messaged about. I told her I'd got a scan booked at EPU & she wished me well. Scan day came and went and I didn't hear from friend but I brushed it off that she's busy with her own life and etc and either forgot or wasn't sure if I wanted to talk / was waiting for me to mention it first. Anyway, I let her know the scan was inconclusive and that I was waiting for another in two weeks and we chatted and I mentioned I was feeling stressed / anxious / low about it. She was supportive.

The day of the second scan came and went and again, nothing. It's been a few days now and I still haven't heard anything from her. I actually had positive news but can't really be bothered to tell her as she is clearly not thinking of me.

I completely understand that she cares much less about my pregnancy than I do but I'm a bit gutted she doesn't care about me enough to check in how I'm doing.

I know we're all busy and things slip by etc. but I'm upset tbh. I'm also aware I'm hormonal and tired with a toddler and newly pregnant and I'm maybe being a bit dramatic.

AIBU to be upset? Or are they being a shit friend?

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 22/01/2022 13:43

Don’t underestimate the not knowing what to say / how to ask effect. She’s probably assumed it was bad news and you aren’t ready to talk about it and doesn’t know how to ask.

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2022 13:43

Before I had a Mc myself and then subsequent dc I really had no idea what it really meant. As far as I was concerned it was a few cells and while I appreciated that losing a baby must be upsetting it didn’t seem a huge deal to me - especially if the person concerned already had a baby.
I realise that other childless people might “get it” more than I did but maybe your friend doesn’t

NorthernLighting · 22/01/2022 13:44

YABVU.

KittyTail · 22/01/2022 13:45

Just message her, she’s probably uncertain of what to say or may think you need space. I felt the same way when my friends all distanced themselves after my father died. I needed them. They thought that I needed space.

RockAndHardPlace1 · 22/01/2022 13:46

Stop being dramatic and trying to test her. Your being the shit friend not her. Sorry to say.

saraclara · 22/01/2022 13:46

@Hankunamatata

Sorry but your making this hard work. Just tell her the news. She doesn't need to be constantly checking in on you. Perhaps she is giving you space. I cant imagine calling a friend to ask how her scan went, I'd wait for her to contact me.
I wouldn't call someone about something like that, either.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't want to put my friend on the spot if she'd had bad news.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/01/2022 13:48

I wouldn’t necessarily get in touch with a friend who was having a scan where they were likely to have bad news because I really wouldn’t want to overwhelm them or force them to have to share any bad news before they were ready. I might send a ‘thinking of you’ in the morning, but if I then forgot until later I’d probably leave it. Your friend presumably has her own life and it is also reasonable that the date of the scan slipped her mind as it had been 2 weeks since you told it to her. I understand that to you it would have been a huge deal but you’ve got to appreciate to your friend it’s probably not; if you want to share your good news the best thing to do is tell her as there’s a good chance she is waiting for you to get in touch because she doesn’t want to risk asking and it being bad news you’re not ready to talk about.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 22/01/2022 13:50

I think YABU. You say yourself you haven't mentioned the second scan since telling her after the first. Maybe she's just forgot. I think it would be very unusual to remember the date of a friend's appointment which wasn't being talked about. Doesn't mean she doesn't care. Stewing while you wait for her to ask you about it seems a bit childish. Just tell her how it went.

Tigertigertigertiger · 22/01/2022 13:52

Congratulations!

Before I had children I had zero interest in other people’s pregnancies 😳

You can’t help how you feel , but YABU .

Best of luck with the pregnancy.

Livelovebehappy · 22/01/2022 13:52

TBH, I think if you don’t have children yourself, some people kind of don’t empathise with people going through pregnancy etc, and all the ups and downs, because they don’t understand the importance of certain stuff that goes on. Maybe she thought no news was good news and that if it was bad you would contact her? I know when my friend had a child before me she would stress about every little sniffle, and I used to roll my eyes, but when I had a child, I then totally got where she was coming from.

DrSbaitso · 22/01/2022 13:54

She probably doesn't want to risk messaging in case it's bad news.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 13:57

She doesn't particularly have a lot on.

I can 100% guarantee you don't know this.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/01/2022 13:59

I had various friends with difficulties in their early pregnancies before I became pregnant myself, and I look back and cringe about how disinterested I was at the time, because I just really didn't understand at all.

I'm very pleased you've had good news, but please be gentle with your friend. They might have their own stuff going on, and as she hasn't got children yet, she probably really doesn't get how you're feeling about this and how you need her support.

Or, as others have said, she might think you need space and will contact her when you're ready. Either way, in this situation, the ball is really in your court to update your friend rather than expect her to chase you for news.

grapewine · 22/01/2022 14:00

You don't know was she has on. I think many of us just have much less headspace than we used to. I was the one who checked on friends and followed up. I just can't anymore in the same way.

Atla · 22/01/2022 14:01

Maybe she just forgot the date of your scan? Or assumed you would tell her?

I have a shit memory for things like that, but it doesn't mean I don't care - if a friend said to me "so, I had my scan" I would instantly be prompted to remember and say something like "Oh my goodness, how did it go? What happened" and be appropriately supportive.

I think you are being a bit unfair to your friend, I'm glad you had good news though Flowers

chocolateisavegetable · 22/01/2022 14:03

perhaps she's waiting for you to get in touch incase it wasn't good news at the scan and she thought it might be better to wait and hear from you first as maybe you needed some space

I think this is a very good point

DrSbaitso · 22/01/2022 14:05

She doesn't particularly have a lot on. I'm not going to share what she is having difficulties with as it's not my place to air her business

She doesn't have a lot on but she has difficulties that you think it wouldn't be right to share?

Are you sure the dismissive attitude, as you see it, is entirely one way?

BobHadBitchTits · 22/01/2022 14:07

I messaged my best friend to say I'd had a fall while pregnant. She replied immediately but didn't acknowledge that I'd fallen, or ask if I was okay, or mention it at all.

Something about being pregnant turns formally good friends into shit friends.

merrygoround51 · 22/01/2022 14:09

When you have children there can be so much attention paid to your life events that childless friends often don’t get a look in.

I am not saying this is the case but maybe think about how much support you might have needed, how many life events she has paid time and attention to and then compare it to what you have given her.

wavecatcher · 22/01/2022 14:10

It honestly makes a huge difference when someone has or hasn't had their own children. I've been through similar this year, I've got friends that have been through pregnancy loss. Those where the friends that checked in daily, asked for updates and offered so much support. Equally some friends kept a distance and said they didn't want to message in case it was bad news. Honestly don't put the pressure on your friend she has no clue about it all. I'm sure once she has her own children things will change in your relationship anyway.
Concentrate on you for now and don't add any extra stress

Sally872 · 22/01/2022 14:12

I assume she is waiting for you to speak first in case it is bad news and I expect she is waiting for you to feel ready to talk. I expect she might be a little annoyed you haven't mentioned all well as she probably is thinking of you (unless track record for not caring).

shouldistop · 22/01/2022 14:12

She doesn't want to ask incase it's bad news, she's probably really worried but thinks you'll get in touch if you want to.

waterrat · 22/01/2022 14:13

I have children but can't imagine texting a friend to ask how a scan went ! So personal and I would feel totally intrusive. I actually have a very good friend pregnant at the moment and she mentioned that she finds people constantly asking her how its going as stressful sometimes...People can't win op .

I'm sorry it was tough for you but I really think you should just assume she cares about you but wouldn't think to text to ask how a medical appointment went.

Tullig · 22/01/2022 14:13

I think it's a bit much to expect a friend to remember the dates of your scans unless you're messaging reminders close to the time.

And yes, if this conversation about a difficult pregnancy and a possible miscarriage is taking place primarily via text message or phone rather than frequent in-person meetings, I can imagine that she could reasonably assume it's best not to ask, to allow you to share potentially very sad information when you feel up to it.

You chose to share your pregnancy news very early, which is obviously your choice -- but it does mean that you end up worried and expecting a certain kind of reaction/support from someone. I also had a very tricky early pregnancy for my first and only child, complicated by treatment for a kidney problem, but I chose not to tell anyone at all, even family and closest friends, until I was 19 weeks, because I didn't think I would find other people knowing helpful. (People guessed, but were tactful and kept schtum, and respected my preference for silence.)

Best wishes for the rest of the pregnancy, OP.

Pearlyqueen21 · 22/01/2022 14:15

Glad to hear all is well!

I think the important fact that was missed out in the OP is that you’re both mid/late 20s. You’re in the midst of childbearing etc but she’s not. Her lifestyle sounds very typical of that age, and not bound up in pg matters. She’s just not that into pg stuff presumably, not a case of not being interested in you as a friend. You’ll need to be clear with her about what support you need rather than expecting her to just know. Don’t let these feelings poison your lovely friendship Flowers