Page 3 | To be upset with friend?

nicesausages · 22/01/2022 14:20

Maybe she doesn't want to contact you in case there's bad news?

Or maybe she's fed up from hearing from only ever about this. Totally normal to get obsessed with your own pregnancy but others have every right not to be

And I do think your hormones are messing with your mind and perspective on this

perimenofertility · 22/01/2022 14:22

YABU, she's your friend not your partner, she doesn't need to chase after you for updates on your medical appointments. If you have news to share then you share it, or keep it private, that's your choice.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 14:27

You are being a bit hard. If she’s supportive when you talk, she cares. She just doesn’t have your diary in her head/has her mind on other things.

Call her.

ddl1 · 22/01/2022 14:27

I am glad for your positive news. I strongly suspect that your friend, rather than not caring, may be waiting for you to inform her. She doesn't know whether it's good or bad news; and many people would find it distressing to have to reply to questioning if it's bad news, before they had themselves processed the result, and would rather tell people in their own time. She may be assuming that this is true of you.

PurplePansy05 · 22/01/2022 14:32

YABVU. I had 3 miscarriages, two of them MMCs and identified during follow up scans and even though my close friends knew about the scans, no one asked me directly, they all waited for me to share the news, good or bad. I'd never ask my friend or expect them to do the same, it's far too sensitive. And also I would say if she does have fertility issues that you may not know about she might be navigating this topic very carefully. Or if she's not thinking about children then she might not understand what you've gone through very well, I certainly didn't until I went through recurrent MCs and then had my DC. Take a break and congratulations on your happy news.

oatmilk4breakfast · 22/01/2022 14:32

For goodness sake. Do you care about her? Why is everything about you?

Doomscrolling · 22/01/2022 14:36

Congratulations on your positive news!

This isn’t your first, so I’m surprised you haven’t remembered from last time but your pregnancy is only of interest to you (and partner, possibly grandparents). Other peoples’ pregnancies are not interesting. We pretend they are (to be nice) but the reality is that they are about as fascinating as other peoples’ dreams or sporting triumphs. We become obsessed hormone monsters, they just aren’t that invested.

Yay! I’m delighted for you! - but not the ins and outs of appointments. Most people can barely remember their own darned appointments (looks guiltily at missed dentist slot last month…)

Add to that the fact any sensitive person wouldn’t ring you up and ask in case the answer was “I miscarried,” and I think you’re very unfair to your friend.

vivainsomnia · 22/01/2022 14:38

Don’t underestimate the not knowing what to say / how to ask effect. She’s probably assumed it was bad news and you aren’t ready to talk about it and doesn’t know how to ask

She probably doesn't want to risk messaging in case it's bad news

I'm shocked by this. Surely a good friend is one who doesn't feel awkward around you. One who can cope with friends getting bad news. Surely if you are not ready to talk about something, you can just explain nicely that this the case.

We are living in a world that is beco.i g more and more self centered with people just focused on themselves.

In my world, good friends are there to give you support when you go through stressful times especially when they are a matter of life of death.

I personally don't need friends who can't be bothered to check how I am knowing that I'm going through a scary time because they can't be bothered to deal with the potential that it could bad news. That's not a friend, just an acquaintance.

Nikkic2123 · 22/01/2022 14:38

@kittykat33

I found out I was pregnant & shared the news with my best friend.

This will be my 2nd baby and they have no children incase that's relevant.

Excitement was short lived as I then had bleeding & pain which we messaged about. I told her I'd got a scan booked at EPU & she wished me well. Scan day came and went and I didn't hear from friend but I brushed it off that she's busy with her own life and etc and either forgot or wasn't sure if I wanted to talk / was waiting for me to mention it first. Anyway, I let her know the scan was inconclusive and that I was waiting for another in two weeks and we chatted and I mentioned I was feeling stressed / anxious / low about it. She was supportive.

The day of the second scan came and went and again, nothing. It's been a few days now and I still haven't heard anything from her. I actually had positive news but can't really be bothered to tell her as she is clearly not thinking of me.

I completely understand that she cares much less about my pregnancy than I do but I'm a bit gutted she doesn't care about me enough to check in how I'm doing.

I know we're all busy and things slip by etc. but I'm upset tbh. I'm also aware I'm hormonal and tired with a toddler and newly pregnant and I'm maybe being a bit dramatic.

AIBU to be upset? Or are they being a shit friend?

This was me last year. Only my outcome was not a happy ending. She text me two weeks after the scan and asked, "how's the pregnancy going"? "Any sickness or anything"?

I told her that I'd she had of sent the message when she new I was having my scan, (she was the only one knew I was pregnant and only one knew I was having a scan) I could have told her then that there was no heart beat.

I didn't fall out with her, but we are no longer friends.
She does try with me, but it's gone, the friendship just isn't there, because indirectly what she done is put me in my place in her life... which is nowhere. That's where I will keep myself!

neverbeenskiing · 22/01/2022 14:41

I wouldn't want to ask. I'd assume if all was well, you'd let me know (if I was your friend). If I hadn't heard from you, I'd be worried sick but would wait for you to tell me so as not to force you into discussing bad news when you might be grieving

100% this. Trying to test your friend by telling her about your scan but then keeping your good news to yourself and waiting for her to ask is very odd behaviour. Do you realise she's probably worried about you? Or is that the intention?

oakleaffy · 22/01/2022 14:42

She sounded supportive.
It’s unreasonable to expect her to be on the phone constantly asking about it, That could be seen as intrusive.
It’s up to you to keep her informed.

AnnaSW1 · 22/01/2022 14:44

I would think she is waiting for you to update her and isn't being intrusive

mam0918 · 22/01/2022 14:44

As someone who had a MMC 6 years ago the absolute LAST thing I wanted was to have to tell everyone and chat about it, I wanted the floor to swallow me and to never see anyone again.

From my personal experience, I would never even consider intruding on someone else's possible grief.

When my best friend then also had a MMC 3 years ago her mother did a basic social media announcement and they didn't respond to anyone's wall posts or messages of condolence. She didn't phone me and I have still never spoken to her about it because she (like I also did by not bring it up) has painted a clear line in the sand that it's painful and not to be dragged up.

jeannie46 · 22/01/2022 14:44

@Sleepyquest

I wouldn't want to ask. I'd assume if all was well, you'd let me know (if I was your friend). If I hadn't heard from you, I'd be worried sick but would wait for you to tell me so as not to force you into discussing bad news when you might be grieving.

It's a tricky situation and really you should just message to say everything is fine

Yes this. It's like asking someone how they did in an exam - you don't, in case it's bad news and something they want to forget.

user1493494961 · 22/01/2022 14:45

Glad your scan went well, yes, you're being dramatic.

Teddybar · 22/01/2022 14:47

Arrange to meet her or you phone her. Ironically as I like posting on here I hate messaging and texting and will often think ah must reply or message x about y but don't get round to doing it. It doesn't mean I don't care about them, we see eachother and phone regularly and counting the days rather than reaching out and letting her know how it went feels a bit sad.

FabriqueBelgique · 22/01/2022 14:48

I feel like you’re expecting her to react like a partner.

Personally only my DP is expected to react to all my problems in real-time, I’ll update others when we happen to catch up.

ddl1 · 22/01/2022 14:49

I personally don't need friends who can't be bothered to check how I am knowing that I'm going through a scary time because they can't be bothered to deal with the potential that it could bad news. That's not a friend, just an acquaintance.

It's not necessarily a question of 'not being bothered' or of THEM feeling uncomfortable with a friend's bad news. It may be an assumption that THE FRIEND is not yet ready to talk about their bad news, and that they might be adding to the friend's distress by pressing them with questions. Often, people assume that if a friend is ready to talk about their bad news, they will be the ones to contact others about it.

And this assumption would usually be correct in my case, or that of many other people. I would be much more upset by people taking over and pressing me before I'm ready to talk, than by their not checking up as soon as possible. (If they act bored or impatient when I do tell them, I would certainly find that hurtful, but that is a different matter.) I realize that everyone's different, and one can offend in either direction, but not asking a person about such things immediately can often result from a reluctance to intrude or to press on already very painful points, rather than from 'not being bothered'.

neverbeenskiing · 22/01/2022 14:51

I personally don't need friends who can't be bothered to check how I am knowing that I'm going through a scary time because they can't be bothered to deal with the potential that it could bad news. That's not a friend, just an acquaintance.

It's not necessarily a case of the friend not wanting to deal with bad news. Maybe it's about not knowing what the person who is going through a bad time actually wants or needs from you. OP's friend might not know whether it's ok to message her, or whether that would feel intrusive or upset her even more if something had gone wrong. Not knowing how to handle a situation isn't the same as not caring.

ElenaAvalor · 22/01/2022 14:52

Glad your scan went well.

Tbh your friend could have shit going on and not told you and she may have fertility issues and not told you. I've had fertility treatment and hearing about pregnancy is hard. On the other hand perhaps she is giving you some space.

IDontEvenWantToAnymore · 22/01/2022 14:53

YABVU

Why do you need so much support from her?
Where is your partner in all of this?

ValidUser · 22/01/2022 14:54

I think, like many have said, the possibility of bad news makes people slow to message in case it’s seen as intrusive.

In her shoes, I’d probably send a “thinking of you” on scan day, but I’ve had years to hone my technique having been through years of infertility.

EmmasMum12 · 22/01/2022 14:58

You're being unreasonable

liveforsummer · 22/01/2022 14:58

I'm not sure I'd ask in her situation either. I might assume you'd tell me when you were ready otherwise might not want to talk about it. I think you are BU

mrsbyers · 22/01/2022 15:05

She won’t want to ask incase it is bad news and will be waiting for you to update her