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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grief Vampire

151 replies

Beebopbopbopbopbop · 22/01/2022 11:28

Ok I don’t think I am actually being unreasonable but happy to be told otherwise.

I have an old friend who seems to absolutely make a song and dance about every death of someone she even vaguely knows, but emotional Facebook posts etc.

As an example when we are secondary school a boy a few years above is died. She didn’t know him well - but think her brother was friend with him. She posts a memorial every single year on Facebook (we are now in our very late thirties - the photo she uses predates digital). It’s always with a big heartfelt “gone but not forgotten etc”.

Second example - bloke from a local shop died. She asked me if I’d be going to the funeral as she was.

Aibu to find it absolutely weird and bizarre. What do people get out of this behaviour?

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 25/01/2022 16:40

It's abhorrent really. The people who seem to get hysterical 'sobbing, sleepless, devastated' over people they don't know and didn't have a relationship with is just astounding. If I had someone actually in my personal life like that I'd tell them to pack it in!

DevonSunsets · 25/01/2022 16:54

Friend of the family.

Her grief over the loss of her grandparents was overwhelming.

Every weekend she visited their grave and laid flowers, had memorials on Facebook, crying on birthdays and anniversaries, photos all over her house, keepsakes, lockets with pictures. She took a week off every year on the anniversary of their death because she was so inconsolable she couldn't function.

After her wedding they took the horse and carriage to the cemetery so she could lay her weeding bouquet of the grave before going on to the reception.

Both died before she was born. Her own mother wasn't even that close to them.

She then had 'honeymoon' twins followed very closely by trying for another gender....... and got a second set of twins...... and then a surprise baby.

That put a stop to all that.

peaceanddove · 25/01/2022 17:14

Is it because some people just don't really have a sense of their own identity? Essentially, they're very diluted, hollow people so the only way they know how to livev(or feel) is to live, vicariously, through other people's lives and experiences.

Sedai · 25/01/2022 17:28

My mum and FiL act a bit like this. I find it bizarre

CruCru · 25/01/2022 17:32

I tend to think people like this weren’t given a sharp talking to while they were in their tweens or early teens. Something along the lines of “It isn’t about you so stop making a horrific drama out of it”

CruCru · 25/01/2022 17:41

A friend’s father was killed in 9/11 and he used to get really cross about this sort of thing. Not just the 2/3/4 minutes silence (which he also hated) but people making a massive, melodramatic deal out of it years later. It just made everything a bit more difficult.

MilduraS · 25/01/2022 18:13

My DH's mum died from cancer when he was 20. I hadn't met him at that point but he's mentioned a pair of grief vampires that turned up at his house the day after his mum died. His dad couldn't cope and had to ask DH to send them away and he still resents their intrusion. His mum and dad hadn't been in touch with them in years but they found out she had terminal cancer a week before she died. They were acting like they were best friends and worst of all, trying to involve themselves in her final days and make it all about their shock and grief. Such an awful thing to do to his family. Her cancer was discovered very late and there was only 6 weeks between her diagnosis and death so everyone was still trying to come to terms with what had happened.

MilduraS · 25/01/2022 18:18

I should have mentioned that I'm Irish and from a small town where everyone turns up to pay their respects to the family, whether they know the deceased or not. It's a very different kettle of fish. Nobody is out there trying to act as if they're hurt and grieving harder than you. It's a genuine show of solidarity and respect to the loss of the family. I found it very comforting when my brother died as a teenager.

HelloFrostyMorning · 25/01/2022 18:40

@SlashBeef

It's abhorrent really. The people who seem to get hysterical 'sobbing, sleepless, devastated' over people they don't know and didn't have a relationship with is just astounding. If I had someone actually in my personal life like that I'd tell them to pack it in!
I had to unfriend a woman (on facebook) who was an ex work colleague - she lived 20 miles away thankfully.

When George Michael died, she went hysterical, sobbing and crying out 'nooooo, whyyyy?' at the top of her voice, ranting on facebook about how her heart had had a massive chunk hacked out of it. About 20 people said 'omg are you OK?' and 'babes PM me if you need me,' and 'oh you poor thing.' Sad She acted (and about 2 dozen others did too,) like George was her brother.

She put dozens of photos up all over her facebook, and had a George Michael tattoo on her thigh (a written statement saying 'always in my heart darling George...' No more careless whispers from you...' ) Confused

Fuck knows what her husband thought. And the sentence made no sense anyway, as it was the careless whispers of his FRIENDS he was singing about.

HelloFrostyMorning · 25/01/2022 18:41

Posted too soon! So yeah, anyway, she pissed me off so much that I unfriended her and blocked her.

BringYourOwnBoris · 25/01/2022 18:47

I find this very difficult to understand. There must be something very lacking in their lives to behave in this way. It's very sad really.

Soubriquet · 25/01/2022 19:09

@DevonSunsets

Could you imagine the conversation?

“I won’t be in next week..it’s the the anniversary of my grandparents death”

“Oh god. I’m so sorry Ellen. Were you very close?”

“No I never even met them”

ineedsun · 25/01/2022 19:11

A phrase I heard on here is perfect for this; grief wanking

DickMabutt73962 · 25/01/2022 19:25

I had a work friend like this. Had to have time off work (a week) when her (very new) boyfriend's grandmother died, she was just so upset about it.

Another time she was reminiscing about a very close friend that she'd never spoken about after he'd died, she'd talk about all the best memories with a faraway look in her eyes. When I asked when last she saw him 'oh god it's been YEARS!'

If you've ever seen Summer Heights High, she was Mr G when a student died. He went from not knowing who she was to being her inspiration in her school life.

DickMabutt73962 · 25/01/2022 19:35

Even my own (now nc mother) said "it's OK for you, you're getting attention, what about me".

Omg that is truly horrible. But that's it in a nutshell isn't it, it's all about the attention. I'm so sorry.

DickMabutt73962 · 25/01/2022 19:55

@monfuseds

It's the like people who after a tradegy post things like "I'm so lucky, it could have been me, I was in France 7 years ago on that street". 🙄
Oh god that's another one, people who use a tragedy in a city to make it all about them. Posting photos of them when they visited etc.

When the Notre Dame caught fire I was staying with my friend in another country and at first she asked me where it was, she didn't even know (not a dig, I don't expect everyone to know every landmark, especially across the continent). Cut to 'awww, I'd really hoped to visit there when I visited Paris' later on Facebook

I think there was a post on here once and someone said 'my son was right there when x happened' making out like he was in the thick of it. When it was 'my son was right there, he lived 3 streets over'. So he wasn't 'there' at all. I eye-rolled so hard. I don't remember what the specific incident was, but it went a major incident like terrorism or anything where she would have feared for his safety which I could at least understand

DickMabutt73962 · 25/01/2022 20:08

@JanuaryBluehoo

There are three people in a room.

One has lost their dh. One hasn't and still has theirs.

Both are crying uncontrollably.

The third person doesn't know who to comfort.

That's grief stealing.

People in the comfort of their own homes crying arnt grief stealing.

No but that's a Grief Vulture
Georgeskitchen · 25/01/2022 20:27

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I think this all started with the death of Diana

I agree that was a factor in the general emotional incontinence, but at least social media wasn't such a huge thing even in 1997
Spare a thought for what would have happened if it had been ... Shock Hmm

This was exactly what I was thinking!! It was a tragedy and a big shock when the news broke, that's undeniable, but the way people were wailing in the streets was way over the top and quite frankly embarrassing. I felt sorry for HM The Queen being called selfish and old hearted for not immediately stampeding down to London to "comfort her people " rather than staying in Balmoral to try and protect the privacy of her grief stricken grandsons!! And thank god there was no Social media back then!!
HelloFrostyMorning · 25/01/2022 22:25

@ineedsun

A phrase I heard on here is perfect for this; grief wanking
That is fucking grim. Hmm

But also fucking funny! Grin

HelloFrostyMorning · 25/01/2022 22:27

@monfuseds

It's the like people who after a tragedy post things like "I'm so lucky, it could have been me, I was in France 7 years ago on that street". 🙄

ARGH I hate that! I went to NYC in 2003 in September, and I never ONCE said (or even thought) oooh if I was here 2 years ago that coulda bin MEEE in 9/11!

FatFucker · 25/01/2022 22:56

When my mum died I was only in my early 20's and all my friends came to her funeral.

Some of them has never met her, but they came to support me. One of them sobbed all the way through, she had been brought up in care and had never had a mother. I didn't think of her as a grief vampire, I was just grateful she came to support me and was touched by the service.

Maybe it's a Scottish/Irish thing, but I'd always go to the funeral friend's parents as I know the comfort it gave me.

DickMabutt73962 · 26/01/2022 06:29

@DevonSunsets

Friend of the family.

Her grief over the loss of her grandparents was overwhelming.

Every weekend she visited their grave and laid flowers, had memorials on Facebook, crying on birthdays and anniversaries, photos all over her house, keepsakes, lockets with pictures. She took a week off every year on the anniversary of their death because she was so inconsolable she couldn't function.

After her wedding they took the horse and carriage to the cemetery so she could lay her weeding bouquet of the grave before going on to the reception.

Both died before she was born. Her own mother wasn't even that close to them.

She then had 'honeymoon' twins followed very closely by trying for another gender....... and got a second set of twins...... and then a surprise baby.

That put a stop to all that.

Stop, I screamed when I read 'both died before she was born' 😂😂😂

Tbh I found it a bit much before knowing that anyway

PaxRomana · 26/01/2022 07:01

@FatFucker - that’s a bit different though, going to a friend’s parent’s funeral to support them is normal in my neck of the woods and it wouldn’t be unusual to cry - they are sad events after all and can make you reflect on your own circumstances like your friend. Going with the intention to respectfully acknowledge your friend’s loss and do your best to support them is not being a grief vampire.

A grief vampire would be howling in the front pew/collapsing to the floor, posting on facebook about how devastated they were at the loss of your parent, telling everyone at the wake what a close relationship they had (even if they’d never met them etc), taking photos at the funeral to share on social media, trying to go to the crem/other aspects of the service after being told it’s for close family only, and all the other bizarre and disrespectful behaviour described so far. A grief vampire isn’t there with the aim to support or respect you (or even the deceased), they’re entirely there for them.

BlingLoving · 26/01/2022 09:39

[quote PaxRomana]@FatFucker - that’s a bit different though, going to a friend’s parent’s funeral to support them is normal in my neck of the woods and it wouldn’t be unusual to cry - they are sad events after all and can make you reflect on your own circumstances like your friend. Going with the intention to respectfully acknowledge your friend’s loss and do your best to support them is not being a grief vampire.

A grief vampire would be howling in the front pew/collapsing to the floor, posting on facebook about how devastated they were at the loss of your parent, telling everyone at the wake what a close relationship they had (even if they’d never met them etc), taking photos at the funeral to share on social media, trying to go to the crem/other aspects of the service after being told it’s for close family only, and all the other bizarre and disrespectful behaviour described so far. A grief vampire isn’t there with the aim to support or respect you (or even the deceased), they’re entirely there for them.[/quote]
Yes, this. It is appropriate and right to acknowledge someone's passing and to show support as necessary for the people left behind. Also fine to feel some sadness. Wailing and grieving and seeking attention when it has very little to do with you is an entirely different thing.

Of course, you also get the opposite end of spectrum - a friend flew across the world for her mum's funeral. An old school friend happened to be in town at the same time.... she was super excited they would be there at the same time and proposed a night out!!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 26/01/2022 11:47

@peaceanddove

Is it because some people just don't really have a sense of their own identity? Essentially, they're very diluted, hollow people so the only way they know how to livev(or feel) is to live, vicariously, through other people's lives and experiences.
I'd definitely agree with this.