Grief Vampire

[Beebopbopbopbopbop]

Ok I don’t think I am actually being unreasonable but happy to be told otherwise.

I have an old friend who seems to absolutely make a song and dance about every death of someone she even vaguely knows, but emotional Facebook posts etc.

As an example when we are secondary school a boy a few years above is died. She didn’t know him well - but think her brother was friend with him. She posts a memorial every single year on Facebook (we are now in our very late thirties - the photo she uses predates digital). It’s always with a big heartfelt “gone but not forgotten etc”.

Second example - bloke from a local shop died. She asked me if I’d be going to the funeral as she was.

Aibu to find it absolutely weird and bizarre. What do people get out of this behaviour?

I think it is possible to feel genuine upset and sadness at the death of someone, but I think sometimes those feelings come from projecting. E.g. a young lad near me died recently. I didn't know him, but I cried in the car coming home from work, cos all I could think about was his mum, and his he must have felt.

But I know that much of that was because I have a son, so much of it was probably thinking about I would feel. Certainly didn't take to fb about it though.

We all know at least one of these! My sisters one!

Planet I disagree re star hobson and Arthur.

Some people had picked up on this story before the end of the trial and therefore had become more invested in it. That means they knew more back ground and details than someone seeing reports from the end of the trial so of course it moved them.

Shouldn't we all grieve over such injustice and cruelty? Be more than aware of it, be reflective, what would we do if we suspected something?

I think social media promotes this sort of 'performative grief' - 'Look at me! I am touched by tragedy because the bloke at the chippy I go to 3 times a year has died' etc

Ex colleague repeatedly watched Nelson Mandela's funeral and then told me how much she cried everytime. So odd! She also made everything about her but also boasted about how empathetic she was

There are three people in a room.

One has lost their dh. One hasn't and still has theirs.

Both are crying uncontrollably.

The third person doesn't know who to comfort.

That's grief stealing.

People in the comfort of their own homes crying arnt grief stealing.

Well according to MN your a grief vampire if I you even dare to acknowledge anyones death if it's not nuclear family. Let's face it, never has "stiff upper lip" fitted Brits better around death.

But Ops examples are weird. I was upset when my friend died and accused of making it about me just for crying. This was on MN, I never cried about him publicly and never talked of my grief with anyone who knew him IRL. So its deemed weird to care full stop if anyone except the very close die. Then a friends boyfriend died so I did the British thing and said I'm very sorry then withdrew from her in case I said the wrong thing. It's very unhealthy.

For example my dad died 18 years ago. No one not even my sister ever mentions him. You mustn't, push it down.

No other culture is a weird and uptight about death.

I know someone who when a young woman in a social group on Facebook we both belong to passed away, photoshopped (very badly and put a halo round their heads) a picture of her with the lady who had passed away and put it on her own page. She actually got lots of likes and people saying they were sorry for her loss.

She may have met her half a dozen times in a large group of people and wasn’t even friends with her on Facebook.

There were many undignified photos making a joke of her mother who had Alzheimer’s, interspersed with dreadful poems she had written. She also made a great show of putting pictures up of a neighbour’s child who has a learning disability visiting her house with her hugging and kissing him (when he was clearly uncomfortable) saying how much she loves him. I changed my settings so I don’t see her posts, I am no longer surprised that her adult children are NC with her ☹️ she used to get a lot of sympathy for that at meet ups.

I think PP are right that the grief vampire side of things is attention seeking.

I hate people who do this.
When my dd died it was all over our local FB page. Everyone commenting about what they thought had happened. Not one of them came forward with information to the police. One poster repeatedly posted she knew dd and her family( I didn't know her) giving updates??? about how I was feeling.
There was also nasty bastards making comments.
I looked at every comment that was made on that page at 3am when I couldn't sleep. My sister eventually contacted the page and got it taken down.
Same with all the people who left flowers at the scene putting pictures on SM.
People shouldn't be so quick to comment and remember there is a heartbroken family grieving who should be left in peace to do so.

Then a friends boyfriend died so I did the British thing and said I'm very sorry then withdrew from her in case I said the wrong thing.

This isn’t the British thing! You withdrew from a friend who’s boyfriend had died?

They probably refer to themselves as 'empaths'. LOL

@ParkheadParadise so sorry for your loss. And for the utter shit you had to put up with on top of that

@RedPanda17

They probably refer to themselves as 'empaths'. LOL

Oh God let’s not start that again. The last “empath” thread was very enlightening

@monfuseds

It's the like people who after a tradegy post things like "I'm so lucky, it could have been me, I was in France 7 years ago on that street". 🙄

I remember after one of the terror attacks in London some friends visiting us and saying how "it could have been us" (meaning themselves) because they happened to walk somewhere near where it had happened on their day trip...we live in London and get the tube twice a day and somehow manage to cope!

People do react very differently to deaths, some trying to avoid the topic altogether and others reacting very emotionally. However, it crosses a line when it leads to disrespect for other people's privacy, and actions that could hurt the close relatives and friends of the person who died. Social media is a big culprit here; and so is the current convention is some quarters of considering that 'it's better to say/do the wrong thing than to say/do nothing at all' with regard to a bereavement. Often it's much worse to say or do the wrong thing!

I’ve just recalled another woman like this but who was more into going to funerals

My late, exMIL was the same, not only going to every funeral she heard of but trying to muscle in on even the more private aspects on some pretence of "knowing them well"
She'd even position herself next to the chief mourner - a person she'd usually met only in passing - so as to hear the condolences and put her oar in, but luckily most knew to involve the funeral directors in having her moved

It got to the point of others in her village trying to keep the news of a death from her, but of course it didn't always work

I don't think anyone's saying you mustn't acknowledge grief outside your immediate family, just that no one has the right to use the death of someone they have a tenuous connection to in order to draw attention to themselves, which some people seem intent on doing. Usually to show the world that they are 'caring' and 'empathic' (without realising the message they are sending is that they are the opposite!)

I got 'clipped' by a passing car outside my secondary school and was sent spinning off onto the pavement.

The first aider arrived and helped a sobbing girl I'd never spoken to before (different year) and left me on the pavement, rubbing my arse.

It was worse for her because she's seen it.

Or those people who take pictures of children who have been murdered and superimpose Jesus on the pic cradling them - or stick angel wings on them I think I'd honestly be fuming if someone unknown to my child defaced their picture in that way. Its weird. Or maybe I'm weird

My DHs whole family is like this, including his children. Thankfully he is not. It’s incredibly insulting

This sort of Facebook behaviour is an instant friendship-ender for me. It signifies that the offender has serious issues with their self-esteem and self-conception. It's a no from me. I can't bear it.

If you're imporrtant enough, beware of Terence Jolley and his pals

Vampires have learned how to act fake " TV grief" from watching East Enders. Fully made up actresses flip their manicures across the cheekbones beneath dry eyes which are not leaking mascara. No swollen red nose. No snot flood . No red eyes and blotchy skin.

Blow up a balloon, bring a cuddly toy and a candle. Scrawl a tearstained agony message to someone you never met . Remember to print your own name bigger than the dead person's. With luck, you'll see it on a TV news close-up.

I know someone like this too , me and DH both drank in the same small pub as him but did not drink / sit together , just friendly hellos if we were at the bar at the same time kind of thing .

When My DH died word got around the pub very quickly and everyone passed on their condolences and as you would expect for the next few weeks when ever i saw most people out and about they asked how I was doing etc .

But this one guy always went over the top , how will you cope / you must be so lonely / you must be struggling financially/ i know what its like to lose a loved one ( his wife DCs , DPs were still alive ) / are you taking antidepressants .
mostly understandable comments for the first few weeks but every time he saw me for months and months after it was the same thing and always in front of other people , quite often interrupting conversations and on one occasion he saw me laughing , I think he broke the world sprint record he came over so fast and said oh I didnt think I would see you laughing again so soon
This was 4 months after my DH had died , the person I was with has the BEST Paddington stare and put it to its full use so idiot just mumbled something and wandered of .