Grief Vampire

[Beebopbopbopbopbop]

Ok I don’t think I am actually being unreasonable but happy to be told otherwise.

I have an old friend who seems to absolutely make a song and dance about every death of someone she even vaguely knows, but emotional Facebook posts etc.

As an example when we are secondary school a boy a few years above is died. She didn’t know him well - but think her brother was friend with him. She posts a memorial every single year on Facebook (we are now in our very late thirties - the photo she uses predates digital). It’s always with a big heartfelt “gone but not forgotten etc”.

Second example - bloke from a local shop died. She asked me if I’d be going to the funeral as she was.

Aibu to find it absolutely weird and bizarre. What do people get out of this behaviour?

I have a couple of friends who do this. One goes into a tailspin everytime someone in her family of origin's home town in another country passes away. It's like a personal grief despite them being what I would consider acquaintances at best.

Another friend told me her new year had got off to a really bad start as another friend, who I don't know and never met, had had a mental breakdown and all the details and history of her illness. Yes very sad but not sure what the relevance to telling me is.

Definitely putting the spotlight on them and virtue signalling. I feel a bit sorry that they need to do this.

Someone whose kid was on the same football team as my friends son for one year when they were ten posts often about my friends son. He died when he was sixteen, five years after they were on the team together and she posts the one photo that featured the two of them all the time and says things like "your name is always mentioned in our house, Charlie, we will never let you have died in vain, you and my Matty were mates for life and even in death you're bonded. We miss you every day." TO begin with, she was actually tagging his mum until she deleted her out of disgust. And the whole died in vain thing? He died of a brain aneurysm, totally unexpected and I'm sure his mum doesn't think "ah, well, Charlie died but at least some mad woman who met him probably about five times talks about him like he was her family." People have called her out privately and publicly and told her she's shameless and ought to stop exploiting his memory for likes. She then posts shit like "I'll never apologise for loving someone enough to remember them!"

Yep. I was in a small group once, we had a friend whose dad died suddenly of a stroke and we did a whip round, sent her some flowers and a card etc. About three weeks grief thief in our group made a big song and dance out of a great auntie who she hadn’t seen, spoke to or about in 8 years, died at the age of 98 - we were sympathetic etc but she then fell out with us because we didn’t send her any flowers or a card. Weird behaviour.

Oh, I've known several people like this. One was a few screws short of a full hinge at the best of times but she had a spectacular Professional Mourner mode. She had an unrivalled ability to make everything about herself, very noisily and very publicly.

Doesn't have to be grief though, some people are just there for any bad news. There's a densely populated Venn diagram overlap between these people and those who post memes on FB about how much they're an empath or "My door is always open for those struggling with their mental health!". Is it fuck, Margaret, you just want to look like you're central to everyone's lives when in reality everyone keeps you firmly at arm's length because you're more toxic than nuclear waste.

A grief vulture.

Have a friend a bit like this. Not so much the posting on Facebook, but regularly posts on our WhatsApp group that she's very upset that her friend's great aunt fanny, who she has never met, has died, and how awful it is. Also seems to make a beeline to befriend people who are ill. we call her the grim reaper. My own Dad died fairly recently, so I'm no stranger to grief, but I don't get the performative grieving that some people seem to almost relish.
She's a lovely person in every other way, with a very full life, so I don't get this really...

I blame the rise & rise of shitty reality TV and SM. Far too many people genuinely believe they are starring in their own biopic - and they erroneously believe they have a constant and rapt audience.

It's akin to the nauseating SM posts a la "To our darling, gorgeous little star. You are so beautiful, brave and strong every day, and teach me how to be a better Mummy. Having you in our lives makes us happier than we could ever imagine. We love you to the moon and stars. Stay perfect our amazing little angel" ad nauseum

Such rampant hyperbole not that they would know what hyperbole actually means It's just meaningless word soup.

Cousin on DHs side went into overdrive when uncle died. She’d not seen him really since she was little and they lived at the other end of the country.
First the self pity ~ “how will I cope without you!?” Type stuff. When that was ignored she began to write poetry and post it to his Facebook wall. Come the funeral she was actually wailing, to the point where another relative had to quietly have a word. All this for a man she barely knew.

Meanwhile, those that were close to him, and dozens of professional colleagues, had to watch the spectacle that was this woman.

I wish I could say the funeral was the end but it wasn’t. More poems, more daily posts and at this point you couldn’t archive Facebook like you can today. Eventually, after causing some upset to his daughter over the whole thing another relative stepped in and it stopped.

His whole death and funeral was overshadowed by her behaviour.

I know one of these, as soon as she's heard someone's passed away it's a mad rush on to social media. Most memorable one was 'so sad to hear Fred Smith from village has died, thoughts and prayers, will always be remembered etc' several people commenting how sad, then someone asks is that Fred Smith from village Road, or Frd Smith that works in village shop?

Her answer? I don't know!!

Her relative that raised her was the same, used to find out people had died and then go knocking on doors to tell people, whether she knew them or not. So I guess she thinks it's normal.

There's another one that attends every funeral, and stands by the door writing down attendees names to send to the paper. This is not arranged by the family, the paper or the church. She just inserts herself into the proceedings for some kind of status I think.

God yes -
Worst being a close friend from childhood who turned on me and spread awful lies about me, turning up to my grandmothers funeral and collapsing to the floor sobbing as we walked in behind the coffin. I am not exaggerating in the slightest. I hadn't seen her in years since she was awful to me, and she spends the entire service wailing at the top of her lungs. She tried to hug me after and I had to ask her mother to get her off the premises before I did something I'd regret.

Another is a distant relative, who calls me to break the bad news whenever someone dies. Last time it was someone I worked with 10 years ago's husband. Full on tears and I'm so shaken up. Someone she worked with's husband she never met, took a week off work because she was so upset.
Again, I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.

My BIL is a grief thief and it’s awful. So much so that he wouldn’t even let me speak to my dying father and prevented me from seeing him (long story) Now he has a gushing FB memorial page all about him even though me met him less than 10 times. Dad and I were so close and the only reason I didn’t see him on his deathbed was because he deteriorated so rapidly and unexpectedly and I was abroad and couldn’t get home in time.

A girl I went to uni with put all over Facebook about how much she missed her great grandad and she knows he will be having an amazing day with her great grandma and all the drama. When I saw her that day I said to her I was sorry to hear she was upset and did he die recently, she said no it was a few years ago but she still thinks about him everyday and imagines what he would be like. He died 12 years before she was born.

I think I know someone like this. Without knowing each and every person who’s death she very publicly mourns on FB it isn’t possible to be absolutely sure. I mean, it might be possible that lots of people she knows extremely well have died but it isn’t very likely.

Ex SIL is like this. Even extends it to foreign tragedies. So would talk (both on and offline) about how upset she was about X tragedy in Africa/Indonesia etc.

Loved a funeral. Got ridiculously enraged if anyone (me obviously) couldn't get time off for a second cousin in law's funeral.

Weirdly, when her own DM died, she was really business like about it.

It’s performance empathy… like performance parenting, and just as annoying!

@gabsdot45

I have a colleague whose husband died young. Every year people she doesn't know and who did not attend his funeral put Facebook posts up about him. It really upsets her.

They might’ve known him and been close to him in previous years?

To answer the OP.
Everyone experiences and processes grief differently. Every year, strangers post tributes to people who died through famously tragic circumstances and no one bats an eyelid. Are those ok because they’re famous?
I don’t post on fb so this is not something I would ever do but I wouldn’t mind. I would find reassurance in the fact that they’re remembered by others too.

I think this all started with the death of Diana when half the population was wailing outside her home for days on end.

None of these people had met her but each of them wanted to made sure that everyone knew they were suffering her loss more than everyone else; really strange, like some sort of weird grief competition.

@pigsDOfly, thank you - you have pinpointed the issue exactly, together with the start date of this nonsense!

@Beebopbopbopbopbop

100% agree.

What makes me LOL (and roll my eyes,) is people going to funerals of people they don't know, or people they've had fuck-all to do with for 20-25 years or more...

Like fuck do I want someone 'mourning' me when they've never met me, or have had shag-all to do with me since 1999. Fuck off. You didn't give a shit about me when I was alive, don't pretend you care now I'm dead.

For this reason, I am having a 'direct cremation,' and the people in my life who are there for me, and in my life all the time - including DH, 2 adult DC and their partners, extended family, neighbours, colleagues, and friends - can get together at the pub and raise a glass to me and say ding dong the witch is dead 'farewell lovely Frosty!'

Like fuck do I want people who don't know me, or who've not been in my life for a quarter of a century or more to come and 'mourn' me.

I find it so weird when people go to funerals of people they don't know. Unless you are the celebrant or vicar, or part of the Church or funeral director who is organising the funeral, why the F are you at some random person's funeral?

I also find it grubby and tacky when people go to funerals of people they've had shag all to do with for 20-25 years or more.

People will insist it's to 'pay their respects.....' Bollocks. If you respected them that much, you'd have kept in touch, and been part of their life. You're either after something in the will, or trying to make yourself look good, and feel better, so quit the façade of pretending you care about that person.

I think this all started with the death of Diana

I agree that was a factor in the general emotional incontinence, but at least social media wasn't such a huge thing even in 1997
Spare a thought for what would have happened if it had been ...

SIL has a slightly different version - any news story that is about children being hurt/killed, or anything about anyone being hurt/killed within 50 mile radius creates much drama about "evil" people and the need to "hug DC close" or "I can't even begin to imagine letting DSs go alone anywhere after this". In some situations, will also involved calls/texts to me (and, I assume, others), which, if I do not respond with appropriate level of shock, outrage and fear, she then gets annoyed with me.

Exhausting.

@SpaceOp

SIL has a slightly different version - any news story that is about children being hurt/killed, or anything about anyone being hurt/killed within 50 mile radius creates much drama about "evil" people and the need to "hug DC close" or "I can't even begin to imagine letting DSs go alone anywhere after this". In some situations, will also involved calls/texts to me (and, I assume, others), which, if I do not respond with appropriate level of shock, outrage and fear, she then gets annoyed with me.

Exhausting.

And lets give a special mention to all those people who were 'only there last week!' to any terrorist attack, natural disaster etc. They always have to make it about them.

I know people like this, we probably all do. They get attention nd a feeling of control out of it. It really upsets people who are genuinely grieving.

I am always amazed at the outpouring of public grief at a death of a celebrity - I mean, sure, I shed the odd tear and listened to their music more than usual when Freddie Mercury, George Michael or Kurt Cobain died but I certainly didn't have a breakdown - it was not my private grief, I never knew them, so I didn't do the "I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face, I don't know how can I go on without XY."
I had a colleague who was like that - everything was personal.
I really had my fun with her before the 2012 end of the world - she sent me a message about that and "OMG, what are we going to do?" My reply "well, it's the end of the world so it's not like we have a replacement planet to go to, just have some good chocolate." pissed her off big time.