Grief Vampire

[Beebopbopbopbopbop]

Ok I don’t think I am actually being unreasonable but happy to be told otherwise.

I have an old friend who seems to absolutely make a song and dance about every death of someone she even vaguely knows, but emotional Facebook posts etc.

As an example when we are secondary school a boy a few years above is died. She didn’t know him well - but think her brother was friend with him. She posts a memorial every single year on Facebook (we are now in our very late thirties - the photo she uses predates digital). It’s always with a big heartfelt “gone but not forgotten etc”.

Second example - bloke from a local shop died. She asked me if I’d be going to the funeral as she was.

Aibu to find it absolutely weird and bizarre. What do people get out of this behaviour?

@Rubysocold

I think it is possible to feel genuine upset and sadness at the death of someone, but I think sometimes those feelings come from projecting. E.g. a young lad near me died recently. I didn't know him, but I cried in the car coming home from work, cos all I could think about was his mum, and his he must have felt.

But I know that much of that was because I have a son, so much of it was probably thinking about I would feel. Certainly didn't take to fb about it though.

Yes but there's a difference in crying out of empathy for the grieving, in your car, alone, unheard. Compared to crying on bloody FACEBOOK and making faux emotional posts about thoughts and prayers where the grieving can actually SEE it (along with everyone else).

If they were very close to them I get it when they do this the 1st year or 2 or at a decade but every bloody year is a bit . If not close it is just attention seeking shite.

Blow up a balloon, bring a cuddly toy and a candle. Scrawl a tearstained agony message to someone you never met . Remember to print your own name bigger than the dead person's. With luck, you'll see it on a TV news close-up

Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh about such a subject, but I had to smile there as this just sums it up SO WELL

Well someone hes litterly said a few post up that it's better to say nothing at all then say the wrong thing.

But at the same time I did the wrong thing saying "I'm sorry for your loss" at my friends boyfriend's passing and no more, was wrong? How can you do the right thing? I mean I didnt do any more in relation to his DEATH. Said sorry sent a card. I didnt go the the funeral, offered her my support if she needed anything and withdrew from his death. I never met him. She knew I was there is she needed anything.

Because simultaneously I was also a grief vampire for crying in private about my friends death. Someone I had sat and drunk and laughed and cried with over many years. It making his death about me.

As pp said better to say as little as possible in case your fuck up the unwritten rules.

You cant win on here can you. Crying for a immediate friend grief vampire. No going out of your way in someones death you didnt know first hand selfish.

@IncessantNameChanger

Ah that makes more sense that you were nervous to mention her boyfriend again I suppose, due to your previous experience of being judged for your reactions re other people's deaths. But to be fair to posters, you said the following so I can see where wires got crossed.

Then a friends boyfriend died so I did the British thing and said I'm very sorry then withdrew from her in case I said the wrong thing.

It sounded like you withdrew from her entirely but as I said, your recent update changes that.

@Isthisprivate

My cousin is the same. Everyone that dies within a 3 mile radius of somewhere she has ever been get a Facebook post and her going on about how they were her best friend and she is just in shock. The daughter of one person commented once saying she didn’t realise they were so close and how they must have missed each other at the hospital/hospice (clearly making a dig about my cousin exaggerating). My cousin isn’t very bright and said oh yes we were so close we told each other everything. She also tried to fight my step sister at my stepdads funeral because she had told her to calm down. My stepdad had always hated her and wanted nothing to do with her so would avoid her and only ever see her at funerals (very justified). At his funeral she was telling people he was like another father to her they were so close, she sat on the floor and loudly sobbed -with no tears, when she was told to move from the front row so his actual kids, partner and grandson could sit there - that’s when she was told to calm down.

Think we might be related 😂 I had a cousin like this. I say had coz I've disowned the grief Monger

The grief vampire in our family is my cousin. When my step father died she told everyone he'd been a second father to her!! Dunno how that happened coz as kids we spent most of our childhoods bearing the brunt of his addiction to heroin.

I'm sure she scours the news for people to mourn! She actually seemed excited at her own moms death! Really bizarre and scary imo

@Gingernaut

If you're imporrtant enough, beware of Terence Jolley and his pals

What an appropriate name for a bloke that uses other people’s grief for a free piss up

@IncessantNameChanger those are two very different things.
Grieving for a friend is totally usual and sorry it sounds like perhaps you got a rough ride from someone about it.

But friends boyfriend dying is nothing to do with grief. That’s about being a good friend. Being a grief vampire would be bursting into tears and making her loss about you. Being a good friend would be asking her how you can support her and if there’s anything you can do.

Surely you can see the difference?

My mum is like this. Is so weird

Has anyone watched What We Do In The Shadows?
The Energy Vampire is called Colin Robinson. So that's what we call people like this when we see them on SM.

I know a few, but thankfully not in my family or close circle of friends.

@DedalusBloom the one where he meets the emotional vampire is pure gold 😂

I hate it when people do this.

A fb friend once posted a photo of her daughter absolutely sobbing. The daughters rabbit has died and instead of posting a picture of said live rabbit or anything else, she chose to post a photo of her bereaved daughter who is only about 8.

She got lots of comments from people of course

[quote Beebopbopbopbopbop]@DedalusBloom the one where he meets the emotional vampire is pure gold 😂[/quote]
Yes. Such a funny but accurate concept!

This is my SIL. If anything happens within a 100 mile radius of somewhere she has been, or where someone she knows lives, there will be a post along the lines of, 'oh I do hope x and x are OK after the terrible events in .....'. The terrible event might have happened in Sweden, and x and x live in Denmark. She loves the drama.

Think we might be related 😂 I had a cousin like this. I say had coz I've disowned the grief Monger

Does she have two kids that were born bang on 9 months apart? (I couldn’t imagine anything worse than getting pregnant days after giving birth)

DM had a retired friend like this, known in our family as Madame Defarge (someone who knitted by the Guillotine in the French revolution!). MdeFs gossipy nature did come in handy though when DM passed away as one phone call to "Madame" and within hours the news was all round DMs friends so no need for us to make multiple phone calls to let everyone know! Luckily she isnt online as she'd definitely be the type to set up annual memorial pages too! We reckon she enjoyed the free buffet at all the funerals she went to - it became a sort of hobby for her!
Sadly Madame caught slight covid just before DMs funeral so couldn't attend as chief mourner no doubt so we weren't blessed with her presence!

My mum loves funerals.

She was in her element at my dhs funeral and very badly behaved.

Loudly sobbed to anyone in earshot about how. This was the saddest day of her life (she lost my dad14 years ago)

Demanded to sit on the front row with me and my children. She got told to fk off with that one.
Had a tantrum as I wouldn’t allow her to put flowers in the hearse

There’s more

I am somewhat reminded of the limerick, composed many years before social media:

A silly young fellow from Clyde
In a funeral procession was spied;
When asked, “Who is dead?”
He giggled and said,
“I don’t know; I just came for the ride.”

I'll never forget my exh's late mother saying to her sister when sister's 22 year old son was killed in a rta 'I loved him as much as you'.

Why would anyone say something like that to someone who had just been told their son had been killed?

Grief vampire indeed.

I fucking hate grief vampires
So dull that they have to make themselves relevant in this way.
Parasites.

(Yes I've had a serious loss...)

@DedalusBloom

Has anyone watched What We Do In The Shadows? The Energy Vampire is called Colin Robinson. So that's what we call people like this when we see them on SM.

I know a few, but thankfully not in my family or close circle of friends.

Ha! I adore that show!

Sorry for your loss @Ducksareruiningmypatio

I work with one of these.
We had a different colleague due about 3 years ago. In another department, but fairly closely working with us. She was young - in her 30s - and had a particularly aggressive cancer. Young kids, and got married a few weeks before she died, for a number of reasons - some entirely pragmatic.

My role meant that it was really quite necessary and appropriate to attend the funeral. I went with a few other colleagues. Of course I was upset, as it was a sad occasion. Had a little cry, sat near the back (of a packed church), shook her husbands hand after, said how sorry I was, and went home again.
Grief vampire colleague had to go home the day we found out colleague had died - hysterical for quite a while, and tbh, made it so much worse for the rest of the team. Insisted she wanted to go to the funeral - fine, all were welcome. Howled, to the extent family members were giving WTAF looks. Monopolised her husband for some time at the end of the funeral. One of the last to leave the ‘tea’ after.
Turned out, had only briefly ever worked with them. Knew nothing about their life. Most others thought it was alla bit much.

@LindaEllen

I have a friend like this too. She's always posting, to the extent that my DP calls her the Grim Reaper, as it seems like every friend she's ever had just dies! (Although I'm sure she's not really friends with many of them).

Worse is, people comment saying sorry for your loss. The vast majority aren't HER loss at all. It just encourages her!

This happened to a friend. Her husband died and she specifically asked that nothing be put on facebook. Cue lots of aquaintances who had probably never shared two words with him sharing pictures of candles & quotes and tearfully accepting people's condolences on 'THEIR' loss. I was livid.