To just want my parents to leave?

AliveAndSleeping · 2022-01-22T00:37:56+00:00

They usually stay abroad but came earlier this year to help us out. They were supposed to go back a couple of months ago but my mum hurt herself and therefore can't fly at the moment. She's in lots of pain and it's not really getting better. We don't know when she'll be able to fly again. It's been 6 months now and it's impacting on dh and my relationship. We need some space to sort our relationship out. He isn't asking them to leave as he knows she can't fly at the moment. Like him I'm also getting cabin fever. They are very helpful and generous (especially before my mum's accident) but they aren't the easiest people to live with either. We aren't asking them to leave but I'm just so sad this has happened. And I don't want to deal with the future and come up with s permanent solution in case they can never live on their own again. And I worry about both of them burning out. I feel guilty because I know my mum is in lots of pain and needs support now. I feel guilty for having asked for their help. I feel guilty for making dh live with them. I'm just venting really. I know iabu. I just keep thinking if this hadn't happened everything would be ok but now we are all sad and stressed. FFS I'm forty but I feel like a little child that has suddenly been asked to grow up.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/01/2022 00:46

How old are they? I'm guessing around 70? So not old...
Is there any possibility of arranging a short term rental near you, so that everyone can have a bit of privacy and independence.

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 00:53

Early 80s but previously very fit. Yes, we (and by we I mean dh) are looking into properties near by but they wouldn't want to live on their own and I would feel bad about kicking them out.

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 22/01/2022 01:17

Me and my Ex bought a house with a self contained one-bed annexe for his 83 yo df to live in. He lived there happily for 8yrs until he died. It was very successful. We were there in case he needed help, but we weren't under each other's feet. Maybe something to consider?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/01/2022 01:23

That's not on.
What an imposition.

Do they not realise what they are doing?
You need to tell them straight that they need to go home.

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 01:31

@Dillydollydingdong

Me and my Ex bought a house with a self contained one-bed annexe for his 83 yo df to live in. He lived there happily for 8yrs until he died. It was very successful. We were there in case he needed help, but we weren't under each other's feet. Maybe something to consider?

Yes that would be perfect and we've been looking for properties with an annex but can't find anything and can't afford to build an annex. So we are looking for a small house nearby but they are all so grim. Nothing compared to their big house where they live or our house where we all live now

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 01:32

@GiantHaystacks2021

That's not on. What an imposition.

Do they not realise what they are doing?
You need to tell them straight that they need to go home.

Huh? They can't. Can't fly for health reasons. Not sure when my mum will be able to fly. They too want nothing more than to go home.

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 22/01/2022 01:33

What country do they need to return to? Is there any chance of driving or going by boat?

SpacePotato · 22/01/2022 01:36

Why wouldn't they want to live on their own? Surely if they had gone back abroad that is exactly what they'd be doing and already have done?

You need to be a grown up and tell them this arrangement cannot be permanent for the sake of your marriage.

Do they own a property abroad? Can they rent near you short term until they can decide what to do next or are able to fly again?

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 01:37

@ClaryFairchild

What country do they need to return to? Is there any chance of driving or going by boat?

No, not really.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 01:41

@SpacePotato

Why wouldn't they want to live on their own? Surely if they had gone back abroad that is exactly what they'd be doing and already have done?

You need to be a grown up and tell them this arrangement cannot be permanent for the sake of your marriage.

Do they own a property abroad? Can they rent near you short term until they can decide what to do next or are able to fly again?

The thing is they don't know anyone here except for us so they would be quite isolated. In their home country they have their own life and friends so don't mind living alone though at tgeir age I wonder for how much longer that will be feasible. Maybe it is already not feasible. I feel bad though tearing yhrm away from s bit beautiful house and the life they know to live here on their own in a grim little place just so we can provide a bit of support.

Yes I know I need to grow up. That's the problem. I don't want to.

OP posts:

WanderleyWagon · 22/01/2022 01:46

I am struck by the fact that you say 'they wouldn't want to live on their own and I would feel bad about kicking them out'. This is the part where you have to be a bit tough with yourself imho. You need to think about everybody's long-term benefit, and it sounds as though the best for everyone is them being somewhere where they have more support (which might, maybe be living near you rather than abroad, but maybe not) and you not living with them in the same house.

If you let things drift so that they have basically moved in with you permanently, the chances are high that it will spoil your marriage and/or your relationship with your parents. You need to be realistic about how much support you can offer and still stay sane. This will probably feel very selfish, but it's important to make the hard decisions. You can't keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire! (as they say). Put on your own mask first.

parchedjanuary · 22/01/2022 01:56

It seems that they are here for the long term now. Would it be possible for them to get a rental property or a long term air b&b in your local area, until they are well enough to travel? I think the only options are to do that, or else accept that they are now living with you and find a way to accept that reality and find a way to make it work. I don't think it's going to get any easier until you all find a way to accept your new living arrangements. And if you can't then they need an alternative rental.

Are any health care professionals involved, in terms of treatment and rehabilitation?

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 01:59

@WanderleyWagon

I am struck by the fact that you say 'they wouldn't want to live on their own and I would feel bad about kicking them out'. This is the part where you have to be a bit tough with yourself imho. You need to think about everybody's long-term benefit, and it sounds as though the best for everyone is them being somewhere where they have more support (which might, maybe be living near you rather than abroad, but maybe not) and you not living with them in the same house.

If you let things drift so that they have basically moved in with you permanently, the chances are high that it will spoil your marriage and/or your relationship with your parents. You need to be realistic about how much support you can offer and still stay sane. This will probably feel very selfish, but it's important to make the hard decisions. You can't keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire! (as they say). Put on your own mask first.

Yes, you are very right. Thank you and thank you for wording it so kindly. It's just you know they are my parents. How can I not put them up especially when they are so unwell and unhappy? At the same time I know it's not fair on DH and if I keep putting them first it will ruin our marriage.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 22/01/2022 02:11

OP "I feel bad though tearing yhrm away from s bit beautiful house and the life they know to live here on their own in a grim little place just so we can provide a bit of support."

This sounds like they want to go home when they can and you are stopping them? Very confusing.

What does their travel insurance cover while they can't go home?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 22/01/2022 02:20

Are they here on a tourist visa?

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 02:22

No they are British.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 22/01/2022 02:40

How did it come about they were with you in the first place? You say you asked them to come stay with you (40yo) to help you, yet they are in their 80’s? Then it seems your mum had an accident while staying with you/helping you?

I understand why you are now in a bad position given they came from another country to help you out it seems, have become stuck themselves and no doubt don’t want to be staying with you any more than you want them with you, yet the background to it all seems quite muddy.

Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 02:47

Could your Mum fly if she went business or first class? If it’s a long flight, could they break up the journey
(stopover somewhere))? Could you fly back with them and make sure they were OK, then come home? That’s what I’m planning to do with my Dad now (also early 80’s) when he agrees to travel again. I’ll collect him, have a wheelchair at the airport, we’ll fly business and I’ll bring him to our house for an extended visit. Then fly back with him again.

1forAll74 · 22/01/2022 02:48

I think you should just hang fire for the moment, especially as you said that they too want to go home as soon as possible. It takes longer for elderly people to recover from falls etc, They don't appear to be taking advantage of your hospitality at all under the cicumstances.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/01/2022 02:52

Sorry but they need to be proactive and find a way home.
They're only going to get more elderly, ill and infirm.

There's a chance they might never leave.
They just have to find a way home, even if it means breaking up the journey along the way.

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 02:55

@HoppingPavlova

How did it come about they were with you in the first place? You say you asked them to come stay with you (40yo) to help you, yet they are in their 80’s? Then it seems your mum had an accident while staying with you/helping you?

I understand why you are now in a bad position given they came from another country to help you out it seems, have become stuck themselves and no doubt don’t want to be staying with you any more than you want them with you, yet the background to it all seems quite muddy.

Yeah it's crazy isn't it? They have always been so fit that It kind of never struck me that at their age it's probably a bad idea having them help out. (have just had a baby.) I guess the real issue is that we need to find a permanent solution about their care. However that involves quite a few potentially awkward and unpleasant conversations and I absolutely don't feel grown up enough to handle it.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 02:55

@Cameleongirl

Could your Mum fly if she went business or first class? If it’s a long flight, could they break up the journey (stopover somewhere))? Could you fly back with them and make sure they were OK, then come home? That’s what I’m planning to do with my Dad now (also early 80’s) when he agrees to travel again. I’ll collect him, have a wheelchair at the airport, we’ll fly business and I’ll bring him to our house for an extended visit. Then fly back with him again.

Yes that's what we would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 02:56

@1forAll74

I think you should just hang fire for the moment, especially as you said that they too want to go home as soon as possible. It takes longer for elderly people to recover from falls etc, They don't appear to be taking advantage of your hospitality at all under the cicumstances.

No they aren't taking advantage. It's just a very unfortunate situation.

OP posts:

Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 03:07

You're right that you need to have a discussion about their care going forward- it sounds as if they'd prefer to be in their home country so it'll have to be arrangements over there. It's a difficult conversation - I need to have it with my Dad over the coming months as my step-Mum is ill- but I'd bite the bullet and talk about it now. It's much easier face-to-face.

Perhaps if you/they can start making arrangements in their home country, the current situation with them staying will seem less difficult? If they have something set up for when they return, it'll be less daunting.

itspartytime · 22/01/2022 04:22

As they are comfortable at yours - why don't you and DH and baby move into theres for a few months ? Assuming you three can fly ??