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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just want my parents to leave?

102 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 00:37

They usually stay abroad but came earlier this year to help us out. They were supposed to go back a couple of months ago but my mum hurt herself and therefore can't fly at the moment. She's in lots of pain and it's not really getting better. We don't know when she'll be able to fly again.

It's been 6 months now and it's impacting on dh and my relationship. We need some space to sort our relationship out. He isn't asking them to leave as he knows she can't fly at the moment. Like him I'm also getting cabin fever. They are very helpful and generous (especially before my mum's accident) but they aren't the easiest people to live with either.

We aren't asking them to leave but I'm just so sad this has happened. And I don't want to deal with the future and come up with s permanent solution in case they can never live on their own again. And I worry about both of them burning out. I feel guilty because I know my mum is in lots of pain and needs support now. I feel guilty for having asked for their help. I feel guilty for making dh live with them. I'm just venting really. I know iabu. I just keep thinking if this hadn't happened everything would be ok but now we are all sad and stressed.

FFS I'm forty but I feel like a little child that has suddenly been asked to grow up.

OP posts:

hopeishere · 22/01/2022 08:09

Long term and short term are different things.

Short term they need to move out to give you some space and privacy. Is a hotel an option?

What sort of injury is it? Will they be ok for care abroad?

I'd deal with the short term first and then the long term.

HeronLanyon · 22/01/2022 08:12

hopeishere that is so obvious and so profound. I’ve loads of long term ‘things’ which are so daunting and complex they have kind of stopped me from realising the ‘short term is doable and needs to be done and then the long term can be tackled when it arrives’. I need to remember this much more often !

Warblerinwinter · 22/01/2022 08:13

@Sceptre86

You sound completely entitled. The first few months with a new baby many couples find it takes time to adjust so t might not be your parents causing the issues. They can probably sense the undertones and want to go back home too. You need to have a.conversation about what they want to do, so do they want to go back home and how can you facilitate that? So they want to live in the UK again and what would that look like as they can't live with you longterm.

As for being 40 and asking elderly parents for help, no matter how fit, I think you are entitled beyond belief. What help did you expect exactly? Was it so hard to fathom that people at their age might struggle or that a situation like this could occur? If you get knackered taking care of a baby, wouldn't rhey? They should be enjoying their own lives not supporting a 40 year old parent who needs to grow up!

Just stop it with the entitled name calling. There’s always one. You know nothing about the OP apart from what she has written here. The whole point of her post is her being mentally stuck on what to do and how to approach it . What a patronising dismissive person you are (if we’re into labelling people based on a single post)

GalaxyOnOrionsBelt · 22/01/2022 08:20

Sceptre who pissed on your chips? Perfectly normal for parents to want to help out after the birth of a grandchild plus you can be in your 80's and still be perfectly fit. My 79 year old father is still towing caravans across Europe, tbf he is fitter and healthier than me.

Op, agree with others, you need to sit down and chat. Is the injury something that she is likely to get over, just worried as it must be bad to not be able to fly. I do understand the not feeling ready to grow up, we always think our parents have all the answers and then one day we are required to be the parent

Pinkclarko · 22/01/2022 08:21

This sort of happened to me. I was trying for a baby (fairly late so didn’t have time to suspend it) when my dad came home from abroad as he had cancer symptoms. Eventually found he did have cancer and his girlfriend came home and stayed with us too. They eventually left to stay with friends after I asked to watch my own tv for a change, it was a really unnecessary end to it that could’ve been avoided if I’d addressed it sooner. They did eventually end up renting and it wasn’t a particularly nice flat as they weren’t well off but I do think you have to consider your contingency plan if you choose to move abroad rather than not considering it and relying on friends / family. So although I felt shit about it, it was inevitable. What I’m saying is, please address it now before it gets to this stage end you end up feeling worse. Doesn’t have to be hostile-‘we need to think about how we’re going to support you long term as this house isn’t big enough for four adults is it’ sort of thing. They will probably feel aggrieved, maybe remind you that you lived in their house-you need to prepare for that. Best of luck as it’s not an easy conversation to have xxx

PersonaNonGarter · 22/01/2022 08:26

Why can she not fly? Airlines are used to taking most types of passengers.

Just a guess OP but if this goes on you will damage your marriage. It’s really unacceptable to put. Your DH’s feelings behind your parents in his own home. He must have the patience of a saint. You need to stick up for him.

There’s a lot of fixed thinking going on. The. Solution is - they need to get on a plane. Soon. If they can’t cope after that you can all make a new plan.

flapjackfairy · 22/01/2022 08:32

if they are unable to return cant they sell up and buy a bigger house near you or both of you sell and buy a house with an annex or separate flat etc

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/01/2022 08:33

There are some very good retirement villages where you can rent an apartment rather than buy. They have all the facilities - restaurant/cafe, socialising options, gym/pool, transportation etc.

That might be an option for them. They will be "fully serviced" and you won't have to worry about them being isolated.

And try not to beat yourself up about their circumstances. It's not your fault and older people do tend to stick their head in the sand about making proper future living arrangements. They insist on being "independent" but other people have to deliver that illusion because they can't cope on their own.

seven201 · 22/01/2022 08:37

"Mum and Dad, as you know having a new baby puts a strain on a relationship. Me and DH are struggling at the moment and I'm worried about our marriage surviving. I know you are stuck here and I want to help you and we appreciate all you have done for us, but we do need some space to try and save our marriage. I've been looking around the local area and have found X..."

Do not sacrifice your marriage because your parents don't like being alone in a house! If she's that bad perhaps try and find a carer to go to their new temporary home once or twice a day.

sillysmiles · 22/01/2022 08:47

However that involves quite a few potentially awkward and unpleasant conversations and I absolutely don't feel grown up enough to handle it.

Do you have siblings or is it just you? While they are here anyway you might as well start the conversation about living wills, and what they want as they age. Would they prefer to be where they normally live? What kind of care/home help/public health nurse system is available there? Can they avail of it in their country or would they have to privately pay for everything? Can they afford that?

The other thing is how long is it since your mum's accident/illness. Can you get her reassessed for pain as you would think that her pain should be better managed.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/01/2022 09:01

Don’t get your sibling to have the conversation - that’s lame and your parents will just assume that you are to weak to mind if they stay.

The key thing is - get them out of the house. Stay focussed. If you get sidetracked into long term solutions conversations will go round and round. You just need them to go to the airport and go home. You could offer to fly with them. But they need to go.

N4ish · 22/01/2022 09:10

My feeling is that you need to focus on your relationship with your DH and new baby. It’s such a tricky time for relationships anyway as both of you adjust to going from being a couple to being parents. Helping your parents to move out (to a hotel, sheltered housing, their own flat, back aboard) seems really crucial.

PrincessNikla · 22/01/2022 09:50

I think that if you believe they need to stay in the UK, then they will need to sell their house and build an annex on your house, or buy somewhere together?

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 10:03

@Sceptre86

I probably am entitled but it's not that simple. They come every year and stay for a few months so it's been an ongoing Problem (the overstaying) that I have been trying to avoid to address. I asked them to stay for another month when they were already here as dh was very unwell and we had problems with our older child so I was struggling to manage.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2022 10:06

@nalabae

Be grateful your mum is alive

Predicatable and very unhelpful

dottiedodah · 22/01/2022 10:27

A difficult one for sure .They probably miss their home as well . I think maybe to see what the options are .At 40 you are fairly young to deal with ageing parents ,however it is what it is .Would you be able to speak to other relatives maybe .Are there any around their age who would be willing to speak with them ? No one can realistically expect to live with a young family for ever !

Alieninmybody · 22/01/2022 10:33

Can you not use the money earmarked for a new house for an annex instead?

MumW · 22/01/2022 10:48

Have you considered a short term let/long term airbnb nearby as a temporary solution whilst your mum recovers to give you all a bit of space?

godmum56 · 22/01/2022 10:48

I t5hink there's a lot that needs unpicking here. Obvs you don't want to say what is wrong with your Mum but I think you need to get an honest feel for the future and what you all should be aiming for. Its a pity about the overstaying history....I am guessing that your DH feels both cross and guilty...cross because its happened again and guilty because your Mum is ill....so first thing is to make your DH feel supported and listened to and then big girl knickers and sort a plan. Put it gently to your parents that they must know that the current situation cannot be permanent and therefore what are their thoughts/feelings/wishes about the future. Agree/sort out what level of better your Mum would need to get to to travel home and how this can be achieved. Is it guaranteed that she will get better? If she is being seen by an NHS service, you might be able to get help and advice from the Occupational Therapy Department...I used to advise on how to travel and what airlines would do...
I know its not going to be easy but honestly you will all feel much better once you have a plan.

sillysmiles · 22/01/2022 11:16

Don’t get your sibling to have the conversation

If that was in response to what i posted, then i think having a discussion about the kind of support and life your parents wasnt in old age should be a complete family discuss. Otherwise either all the care gets left to one person or people can get get pissed off and difficult when it comes to putting in place measures to mind an elderly parent.

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2022 11:24

Friends got a prefab one bed and put it in their garden - huge garden. It's not a caravan, more like a chalet for inlaws. Would it be an option?

BillMasheen · 22/01/2022 11:30

I think the first step is to find out the facts about her ability to fly. I mean medics can transport quite severely injured people, so it IS possible for her to fly. It’s whether you have the money to throw at it.

So find out what is needed and what it costs. In all probability it will be cheaper in the long run than rehousing her locally.

Once you know what is needed then you can plan.

GaryLurcher19 · 22/01/2022 12:56

Many pps asking about travel insurance but it is very expensive for over 80s. It often costs more than the transport and accommodation. Some people choose not to for this reason.

OP, did your DPs take travel insurance out?

LuckyKitty13 · 22/01/2022 12:59

I watched a bbc documentary recently where they transported an intubated and unconscious patient from the UK to Australia - that was through the travel insurance.

GaryLurcher19 · 22/01/2022 13:03

Agree with @BillMasheen but will add to that; try to establish what they both really want, OP. They might be just as troubled and tied up with worry about obligation as you. I think you need a long, honest conversation about what you each want, what's in each person's best interests, what's possible and what it most practical. It won't be a nice conversation to have to start, but it is necessary and I suspect it won't be as awful as you imagine. They may actually be very relieved if you take the initiative and start it.

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