Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want my parents to leave?

102 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 00:37

They usually stay abroad but came earlier this year to help us out. They were supposed to go back a couple of months ago but my mum hurt herself and therefore can't fly at the moment. She's in lots of pain and it's not really getting better. We don't know when she'll be able to fly again.

It's been 6 months now and it's impacting on dh and my relationship. We need some space to sort our relationship out. He isn't asking them to leave as he knows she can't fly at the moment. Like him I'm also getting cabin fever. They are very helpful and generous (especially before my mum's accident) but they aren't the easiest people to live with either.

We aren't asking them to leave but I'm just so sad this has happened. And I don't want to deal with the future and come up with s permanent solution in case they can never live on their own again. And I worry about both of them burning out. I feel guilty because I know my mum is in lots of pain and needs support now. I feel guilty for having asked for their help. I feel guilty for making dh live with them. I'm just venting really. I know iabu. I just keep thinking if this hadn't happened everything would be ok but now we are all sad and stressed.

FFS I'm forty but I feel like a little child that has suddenly been asked to grow up.

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 22/01/2022 13:21

OP just saying that I really feel for you. Great advice from PP about ability to fly home. You REALLY need to look into it, this is the priority.

Aderyn21 · 22/01/2022 13:32

Just wanted to add that I really wouldn't pool money to buy a bigger house for all of you. This can cause serious problems with potential care costs and inheritance and can also leave you as default carers for you parents because all their money is tied up in your house.

Honeyroar · 22/01/2022 13:34

But if they make it home, what then? Who will care for them if they don’t get better? Have they other relatives back there? While it’s obviously not practical them being on top of you like this, it does sound like you all need an honest chat about their future.

And although OP doesn’t answer the questions about travel insurance, I’d bet there probably isn’t any due to their age?

busyeatingbiscuits · 22/01/2022 13:35

Realistically, if there in their 80s and your mum now has a serious injury, are they going to be able to return to their home abroad?

I’d start looking at long term options. In the meantime get them into a rental or air bnb.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 22/01/2022 13:43

@GaryLurcher19

Agree with *@BillMasheen* but will add to that; try to establish what they both really want, OP. They might be just as troubled and tied up with worry about obligation as you. I think you need a long, honest conversation about what you each want, what's in each person's best interests, what's possible and what it most practical. It won't be a nice conversation to have to start, but it is necessary and I suspect it won't be as awful as you imagine. They may actually be very relieved if you take the initiative and start it.
This ^^ Why not sit down with your DH and talk through the situation, making sure he knows you're supportive of his feelings too. Then prepare a list of questions and options, starting with asking your DPs what they would like or are expecting to happen.

There's never going to be an optimum time to discuss this, but try to find a time with fewest interruptions to have this over-due chat with your parents.

MichelleScarn · 22/01/2022 13:49

What injury has your mum had and how is it impacting on her mobility and ability to self care?

forrestgreen · 22/01/2022 14:11

If in another year you and you dh were to separate, and they asked you why. Would they have preferred to have been told they had stayed too long?
I suggest that anyone would prefer to be told rather than have family struggle.

SeaToSki · 22/01/2022 14:14

Did they not have health insurance for their visit to the UK? If they dont live in the UK they shouldnt be using the NHS. Most health insurance policies will repatriate people for medical reasons, they do it in specially adapted planes, or they pay for a first class seat and a nurse on a normal plane. Alternatively they may pay for hotel accommodation while your DM gets treatment to stabilise her to return home.

If they didnt get specific health insurance, look as see if they have any medical coverage on the credit card they booked their flights with

millymae · 22/01/2022 14:21

I’m not good at being gentle but surely the time has come for you to have a serious family conversation about this.
Your parents are 80+ and it’s not unreasonable to assume that they will increasingly find life more difficult, unless of course they are amongst the lucky few (which seems unlikely given your mum’s current problem) who are able to live life to the full and have no major health issues.
What is health care provision like where they live? Is it better than here? I have no experience of pensioners choosing to live abroad but will they encounter problems if they need to access care if they return
I get the point that if they move back to the UK permanently they will be isolated from friends and have no social life, but should one or other of them become ill abroad neither the friends who are presumably the same age as them or the social life will be much help. I’m not saying that if they move back here permanently you should be responsible for looking after them but at least you and other family members will be closer at hand.
Reading your post I didn’t get that you were at all entitled but more that you feel obligated to help your parents. Unless you come from a culture where there is the expectation that the elderly will be cared for within the family you are doing yourself no favours by thinking this way. Your own family is where your priorities should lie.
Surely no parent who loves their child would want their actions to cause upset and make life difficult for them - I think you have no choice but to bite the bullet and speak to yours kindly about the situation you have all now found yourselves in and the strain it is putting on your own family.
Your OH comes over as being extremely tolerant of your current living arrangements, many my own OH included would not have been so accepting. For his sake, as well as your own you need to try and move things on - if only to put an end date for their stay in place.
Being entirely honest I can’t think of any injury that after so much time still means that your mum can’t fly home. Are you sure this isn’t just a convenient excuse. What type of treatment for the injury has she had? Is there more going on than she is telling you about. The situation you find yourself now in all seems a little odd to me.
I’ve.been slow typing this - apologies if some of the questions I’ve raised have already been answered.

sonjadog · 22/01/2022 14:21

Many countries have agreements so that they can use the NHS same as people who live in the UK. For example, I am neither a UK citizen or a resident, but I can and have used NHS services when in the UK due to a reciprocal agreement.

I would look into the "can't get home" side of it again. Ask the doctor's if it really is impossible to arrange in any way. People fly with all kinds of difficult medical conditions with suitable care and adjustments on the flight.

Jumpingintomenopause · 22/01/2022 14:32

Would they consider selling up and purchasing something more suitable near you?

RobertaFirmino · 22/01/2022 14:41

Could you tell us exactly how your DM has injured herself? Someone reading will almost certainly have experience of those types of injuries. Also, you say her pain isn't really getting better. What is she doing about it? Is she actively asking doctors for more help?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/01/2022 14:47

Is she needing a hip replacement or something like that?

Trilley · 22/01/2022 14:49

Would it make sense to look into supported accommodation near you? My parents had a lovely flat where they could be completely independent as long as they wanted to be, but there was always someone on call for emergencies and to keep an eye on them, and they could have things like lunches and help with cleaning etc if and when they wanted it.

Pinkclarko · 22/01/2022 15:44

I replied to this thread earlier and the replies have made me think I was probably projecting my own experiences (which I don’t like!) so I just came on to say, I agree with some posters who have suggested that they have perhaps stayed out of obligation or not knowing what else to do, after all they are quite elderly. Thanks for different point of view.

zafferana · 22/01/2022 15:46

The problem is the OP has been so vague that it's impossible to offer any real solutions. We don't know where the DPs need to get back to or the medical condition her DM is suffering from.

OP, have you been to the doctor with your DM? What treatment is she having and what is the prognosis? Is the doctor aware that she needs to travel back to [wherever] asap and how unhappy your DPs are being stuck in the UK? Have they got travel insurance that might help them to return home? Is this injury/medical condition something that can be fixed with medication, time, surgery or is it a long-term condition that is unlikely to ever really improve?

If your DPs are eager to get home and you and your DH are eager to get them home I suggest you focus on achieving this. Can you accompany your DM to her next medical appointment and get some concrete answers that you can work with?

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 16:28

Sorry about being vague. I don't want to drip feed and I also don't want to go into specifics as it might be Outing.

They don't have travel insurance but my question isn't about how to deal with the finances or even the medical issue. The real issue as pp have said is what to do svout long term care and their future. And as pp have said I need to have that grown up honest conversation about the future and how to make this work for all of us especially dh. I just want to stick my head in the sand and for them to leave (which is also what they want) but that's not s good solution as they might not have enough support where they live right now even if my mum is able to fly. And at their age it's just s matter of time till they need more care. It would be best if they moved back here so that we can care for them.

Adding an annex to our existing house is the best solution as they'd be close enough for me to care for them and for them to have our company without being in our face all the time but it doesn't make sense financially. We've looked for properties with an annex but can't find anything suitable and affordable. If they don't live with us I worry about them being isolated as they don't know anyone here and they basically haven't lived in the UK for years. Their life is not here. They don't want to move here but realistically they are spending every year longer and longer with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 16:32

Thanks everyone for the replies. The consensus is that of course I do need to deal with this. If can't do nothing and let them just continue living here without a plan. And if I just put them on a plane we are just kicking the problem further down the road.

I needed to hear this so thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 16:48

Oh goodness, so she potentially needs treatment and she can’t access it due to lack of insurance?

TicTac80 · 22/01/2022 16:48

One thing to think of…Do they both have capacity to make decisions about their future care? If they do, then they have the right to refuse care. No matter how frustrating or worrying that might be for you.

I’d speak to your DH first, then have a chat with them about what they want (going home), what may be need to be put in place once they are home (if they agree to it) and how to go about that.

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 16:50

@Cameleongirl

Oh goodness, so she potentially needs treatment and she can’t access it due to lack of insurance?
No, treatment is not a problem.
OP posts:
Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 16:52

She doesn't need treatment. It's a degenerative condition that you mostly just have to live with and manage the pain (imagine it to be something like chronic backache). It usually gets better on its own which is what we were hoping for but it doesnt look like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 16:54

Anyway, thanks everyone for the replies..I want to say that I've read (and reread) all the replies and will.continue to do so even if I haven't replied to everyone individually. You've been all very helpful and it's clearer in my mind now what I need to do.

OP posts:
GaryLurcher19 · 22/01/2022 16:58

Best of luck, OP. I hope you find a solution that's good for all of you.

TicTac80 · 22/01/2022 17:54

wishing you all the best, it's not an easy conversation to have!