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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want my parents to leave?

102 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 00:37

They usually stay abroad but came earlier this year to help us out. They were supposed to go back a couple of months ago but my mum hurt herself and therefore can't fly at the moment. She's in lots of pain and it's not really getting better. We don't know when she'll be able to fly again.

It's been 6 months now and it's impacting on dh and my relationship. We need some space to sort our relationship out. He isn't asking them to leave as he knows she can't fly at the moment. Like him I'm also getting cabin fever. They are very helpful and generous (especially before my mum's accident) but they aren't the easiest people to live with either.

We aren't asking them to leave but I'm just so sad this has happened. And I don't want to deal with the future and come up with s permanent solution in case they can never live on their own again. And I worry about both of them burning out. I feel guilty because I know my mum is in lots of pain and needs support now. I feel guilty for having asked for their help. I feel guilty for making dh live with them. I'm just venting really. I know iabu. I just keep thinking if this hadn't happened everything would be ok but now we are all sad and stressed.

FFS I'm forty but I feel like a little child that has suddenly been asked to grow up.

OP posts:
itspartytime · 22/01/2022 04:27

*theirs

Maxiedog123 · 22/01/2022 04:45

Why can't she fly home, have you actually checked with the airline? I work in a hospital rehab Ward, and we frequently send people home on planes. If it's a mobility issue we negotiate with airline for them to go on in the airlines wheelchair, go business class if they can't sit for a long time, and send with an escort if they need assistance on the flight. It's only if they have significant respiratory problems it's usually a problem.
To be honest if she is managing to live in your home without nursing type assistance it is time to readress the flight issue. It seems more likely to me that they don't want to go, then actually being unable to

nalabae · 22/01/2022 04:51

Be grateful your mum is alive

Maxiedog123 · 22/01/2022 05:01

Also how long is it now? If it is more than 3 months any fracture s etc should be well healed. If she still has significant pain and limitations of activity then it is time to be making plans about where they will live as she is now, do they want to return to their previous home, or do they want to stay near you. Time to be making decisions.

GaryLurcher19 · 22/01/2022 05:18

@nalabae

Be grateful your mum is alive
Unhelpful, nalabae.
Crazykatie · 22/01/2022 05:26

It’s difficult previously active people in their 80s can go downhill very quickly and a fracture or other injury can take a long time to heal, if indeed it ever does and complications are common.

If they do eventually return home overseas who is going to care for them when they do become disabled and need help - their friends?. It seems to me that the time has come for them to settle in the UK where you can look after them.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/01/2022 06:10

Hmm. Is your mum undertaking any rehabilitation at the moment? What is the short and medium-term expectation for her recovery? What were your parents planning to do longer term? How far away do they live? What's happening with their home at the moment, with both of them in the UK?

madisonbridges · 22/01/2022 06:18

If you're looking at houses that will accommodate both of you, I guess you're expecting that they'll be giving up their house to return to the UK. If that's the case, can't you use the money from the sale of both your houses to buy a house here either with or to have an annex built. Obviously it won't be as big as theirs but it's more an investment for their future living and care.
Maybe it's time to have a talk with them to see realistically what the future is going to be like. It's very hard. I've been there with my mum.

knittingaddict · 22/01/2022 06:19

@nalabae

Be grateful your mum is alive
What utterly pointless guilt tripping. There always one on threads like this and it's never the slam dunk you think it is.
WutheringHeights66 · 22/01/2022 06:27

Oh this sounds difficult, I agree the difficult conversation needs to be had sooner rather than later.

Do you have siblings? Where are they? 80s is that age when dependency on others can kick in, flying across the world hard, and selling up or moving overwhelming. Your mum being incapacitated has unfortunately started the ball rolling whether you are ready to face it or not.

Pull in your siblings for support, but unless they are also in the home country it’s possibly time forum and dad to consider selling up and moving back to the UK.

tara66 · 22/01/2022 06:29

Regarding many airlines - some (many) have become unreliable with covid ( e.g. see Face book British Airways Complaints Group) - flights delayed, cancelled and luggage not going on plane etc. Presume they live somewhere in Europe when there have been very strict travel restrictions in some places from Uk ( e.g. France) until last few days anyway. Airport have been/are very understaffed and you may be lucky to even get a wheel chair anyway etc. So difficulty actually with the journey for anyone has to be considered up till now . Have you consulted your mother's doctor about when she is fit to travel? Have you considered a retirement home that rents their accommodation in UK where they might be able to buy a property later if they like it? Could they go to a nearby B and B? Later they may then be faced with selling up everything they have abroad as well - who will do that if they don't return there again?

Aubree17 · 22/01/2022 06:49

If they can live alone overseas they can live alone in the UK.
They quite possibly would prefer their own space but stay because they think they are "helping" you.
I think an honest conversation about their future is required. There must be some suitable accommodation nearby?

Whatisthepointinthis · 22/01/2022 06:51

Have no advice to offer but really feel for you.

I can foresee this happening to me soon and completely understand about not feeling grown up enough to have the conversation that needs to be had. And I am an only child so the burden of responsibility weighs very heavy!

In my case dm lives alone at the other end of the uk, and happily lives alone independently and will travel to us. She is mid 70’s at the moment but lockdown has taken its toll and when she last stayed with us it was much more difficult than at any other time.
We don’t have the space for long term visits and don’t have the time (work and 3 dc) to travel to her often.

I can understand how suffocated you must feel and how that’s impacting on your marriage. It is especially sad when they’ve been so fit and independent and so helpful to you, like my dm, and you feel so guilty even having those feelings when the tables have turned and now you’re having to help them for once.

BABAHOTEL · 22/01/2022 07:03

@GiantHaystacks2021

That's not on. What an imposition.

Do they not realise what they are doing?
You need to tell them straight that they need to go home.

They can't

What a dilemma, you do need to talk to them. Do they have any other family they could stay with?

ApolloandDaphne · 22/01/2022 07:07

Oh I really feel for you. I've had my DM living with us for 2 weeks due to a broken wrist and it's been hard. DH and I are used to our quiet life and our space now our DDs are adults. Thankfully I know she will be going home fairly soon when the cast comes off. Can you explore
further getting flights home for them? Surely it must be possible? What are the issues stopping your DM from flying?

ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2022 07:08

what about one of those developments with apartments for people 55+ or 60+ if you can find one that rents rather than offering for sale?
they often have a program of events so they could get to meet others

endofthelinefinally · 22/01/2022 07:13

Where are their travel insurers in all this? Did you contact them when your mum sustained her injury? They would normally assist with treatment, rehab and repatriation.

TheChemicalMother · 22/01/2022 07:30

I was thinking travel insurance too!

Sundancerintherain · 22/01/2022 07:31

Travel insurance is not as straightforward if you are a British citizen living abroad and visiting the UK, it can depend on your legacy residency status in your country of abode.

Fatgalslim · 22/01/2022 07:43

So if they're staying in the UK why can't they sell up and buy somewhere here? Or at least contribute to buying somewhere with an annex or building one?

Original poster
AliveAndSleeping · 22/01/2022 07:47

@Whatisthepointinthis

Have no advice to offer but really feel for you.

I can foresee this happening to me soon and completely understand about not feeling grown up enough to have the conversation that needs to be had. And I am an only child so the burden of responsibility weighs very heavy!

In my case dm lives alone at the other end of the uk, and happily lives alone independently and will travel to us. She is mid 70’s at the moment but lockdown has taken its toll and when she last stayed with us it was much more difficult than at any other time.
We don’t have the space for long term visits and don’t have the time (work and 3 dc) to travel to her often.

I can understand how suffocated you must feel and how that’s impacting on your marriage. It is especially sad when they’ve been so fit and independent and so helpful to you, like my dm, and you feel so guilty even having those feelings when the tables have turned and now you’re having to help them for once.

Yes, thank you.
OP posts:
LuckyKitty13 · 22/01/2022 07:50

Have they got travel insurance? They should be able to get home on a medically adapted flight?

HeronLanyon · 22/01/2022 08:00

Thinking about it from their point of view I’d hope that they too would want to be home and would be aware that their extended stay has caused stress all round.
Is it a bit surprising they haven’t talked to you. Is there any reason they haven’t ?
Might the conversation be a bit easier than you are fearing ?
No matter what - good luck. ‘Growing up’ has major shifts and lurches and this is definitely one of those for you and them !

Turmerictolly · 22/01/2022 08:00

@Maxiedog123

Why can't she fly home, have you actually checked with the airline? I work in a hospital rehab Ward, and we frequently send people home on planes. If it's a mobility issue we negotiate with airline for them to go on in the airlines wheelchair, go business class if they can't sit for a long time, and send with an escort if they need assistance on the flight. It's only if they have significant respiratory problems it's usually a problem. To be honest if she is managing to live in your home without nursing type assistance it is time to readress the flight issue. It seems more likely to me that they don't want to go, then actually being unable to

This. There will likely be a way to get them home if they really want it. You can employ a nurse as an escort even. If you are happy to share what the injury/illness is, I'm sure there'll be someone on here that could help.

Sceptre86 · 22/01/2022 08:05

You sound completely entitled. The first few months with a new baby many couples find it takes time to adjust so t might not be your parents causing the issues. They can probably sense the undertones and want to go back home too. You need to have a.conversation about what they want to do, so do they want to go back home and how can you facilitate that? So they want to live in the UK again and what would that look like as they can't live with you longterm.

As for being 40 and asking elderly parents for help, no matter how fit, I think you are entitled beyond belief. What help did you expect exactly? Was it so hard to fathom that people at their age might struggle or that a situation like this could occur? If you get knackered taking care of a baby, wouldn't rhey? They should be enjoying their own lives not supporting a 40 year old parent who needs to grow up!