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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Backing off ILs or still stick around to support DH

87 replies

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:28

I have spoken about my superficial relationship with my in laws on previous posts. DH loves his mum and dad but has long accepted that they will never be super close and they have never nor will they ever be there emotionally for him. I have decided moving forward I will reduce instigating contact and would go as so far as to only send DH and kids around theres when they invite us for dinner. I have lots to get on with and I would appreciate the break and frankly don't particularly enjoy there company.

But, when I spoke about this with DH he visibly looked hurt and expressed that he would like for me to go to support him.

So AIBU and of course I should go with DH to his parents? Or AINBU - not my circus not my monkeys type thing?

OP posts:

Kartoffelnpie · 21/01/2022 22:30

I think it depends on the back story but I would have thought doing a bit of both - going sometimes but not EVERY single time would be a good way forward.

DSGR · 21/01/2022 22:34

I think you should support your DH. It’s his family. Lots of people don’t particularly love their in law’s company but being married is about being there for your other half even if there’s other things you’d rather be “getting on with”

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:34

@Kartoffelnpie

His dad is abusive. Mum is very different when his dad around. I find conversation superficial and I tend to leave feeling awful. His dad can be arrogant and condescending.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 21/01/2022 22:36

If you stop instigating contact, how much contact will there be?

Without you doing the wifework to arrange things, is this going to wither down to a Christmas and birthdays frequency - in which case I'd say you could grin and bear it, or once a week for dinner - in which case absolutely not!

Or somewhere in between - you can pick what is tolerable for you.

My suggestion is before saying you are not going at all, see how often the superficial ILs actually bother to give out any invites. My suspicion is that you will be seeing a whole lot less of them anyway and you might find talking to them about the weather 3 times a year far more bearable than what you are doing now.

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:40

Mil tends to invite us round once a week for Sunday dinner

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 21/01/2022 22:44

Tail off gradually - so send dh and kids without you every other time for a bit, before you withdraw completely.

Mummy1608 · 21/01/2022 22:45

Partly to make your withdrawal less dramatic, and partly to help your dh get used to coping on his own (conversationally etc)

Mummy1608 · 21/01/2022 22:45

That's a balance between being supportive of dh and not wasting too much of your life in awful company

Squirrelblanket · 21/01/2022 22:46

My husband didn't have a great relationship with his parents and we both used to dread going over. I used to go with him every other visit to support him, although I would gladly never have gone. It wasn't about his parents though, it was about being there for him.

Lou98 · 21/01/2022 22:48

I think I would compromise on a bit of both.

On one hand I don't believe you should force yourself to be around anyone you don't want to, however, your Husband has outright asked you for support - I couldn't not provide that for my partner, especially as he's actually asked. He would do the same for me.

I was going to say it depends how often the visits are but I see you've mentioned dinner once a week. Will it still be once a week if you stop initiating contact?

In which case, I would probably go every second time so going one night every fortnight then Husband and kids can go themselves the other two weekends a month. Personally I think a couple of hours a fortnight is bearable to support my Partner

tootiredtospeak · 21/01/2022 22:50

I mean honestly how bad is it of it really is bad then its not okay for your kids to be going. If it's not that bad then you should go most if the time support your DH.

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:58

@tootiredtospeak

My 12 year old son has already noticed how FIL is with MIL - he notices he shuts her down a lot during conversation.

DH has been in therapy for years owing to his parents.

OP posts:

averythinline · 21/01/2022 23:00

Once a week is a lot......don't you want to do your own stuff at the weekends sometimes..... how do the kids feel about going/ what age are they
..often Saturday nights were the 'fun nights either something like cinema or to eat/see friends or have them over...
Did you see your grandparents every week , did he?

Make your own family time/traditions

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 23:03

@averythinline

Once a week is a lot......don't you want to do your own stuff at the weekends sometimes..... how do the kids feel about going/ what age are they ..often Saturday nights were the 'fun nights either something like cinema or to eat/see friends or have them over... Did you see your grandparents every week , did he?

Make your own family time/traditions

I am estranged from my family. Grew up with no grandparents.

DH saw his grandparents often. Probably once a week?

OP posts:

Confusedmeanderings · 21/01/2022 23:03

I have a similar issue with my sister in law, who is the only family DH has left. I follow a policy of never initiating contact, but I'm pleasant if she does. I never invite her to ours, or suggest going over to hers, but if she invites me, I go and I'm pleasant. I dont criticise her to DH. If he wants to contact her or make a visit I'll go along with that. I've never announced this policy, not even to DH, but I just quietly follow it. It works fairly well, probably because DH, whilst fond of his sister, is actually terrible at instigating get togethers with anyone, let alone SIL. So contact is kept to a few times a year, which is fine with me!

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 23:05

@averythinline

Once a week is a lot......don't you want to do your own stuff at the weekends sometimes..... how do the kids feel about going/ what age are they ..often Saturday nights were the 'fun nights either something like cinema or to eat/see friends or have them over... Did you see your grandparents every week , did he?

Make your own family time/traditions

DS is a bit meh about going. He gets bored. They just don't interact with him. There's no real engagement about how life has been.

DS is 12 and Dd is 1.

OP posts:

Aria2015 · 21/01/2022 23:08

I'm in a similar boat. I go to support dh but I've shared with him how hard I find it and made it clear I do it for him. At the end of the day, he's in a tough spot. I wouldn't swap with him and I'm lucky to have an emotionality loving family myself and so if I can be a support / buffer for him then I'll do it. I used to think of it as me 'bending' to accommodate them (the in-laws) but that made me feel resentful, so I reframed it as me supporting dh and that feels more genuine and makes it feel more worthwhile.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/01/2022 23:16

I also think it's a balance.but asking for support is normally for something bad that happens to the person asking or something they've got to go through that they've got no choice over.

He is actively choosing to spend lots of time with his parents. He is asking for your support that on the face of it isnt fun for you, is possibly setting bad examples for your kids and is actively distressing for your husband.

It's not really supportive to help someone do something that they don't have ti do, that's bad for them and everyone around them.

tootiredtospeak · 21/01/2022 23:36

Hmmm you say your estranged from your own family and that DH dad is abusive and he is in therapy due to it but he is still wanting to see them weekly. It seems strange to me that they are as bad as you say and he still wants and expects to see them that often. Your 12 year old finding them boring is just normal family stuff. Does how you feel about your own family impact how you see his.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/01/2022 23:37

Once a week?! No. Nope.

Tell him you will go once a month, max.

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 23:43

@tootiredtospeak

I have tried to over compensate and tried so hard to make it work. After years of trying, they are not going to change. In laws that is.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2022 23:45

I think by not going your throwing dh to the wolves a bit considering he has been in therapy for years.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/01/2022 23:55

Don't abandon your DH just yet.

I think you do need to talk to your DH and agree how to make a break from the weekly dinner to 1 x pm month trailing to every 6-8 weeks and practice get in and get out so visits are 3 hours max.

If your DH won't discuss it or try and reduce contact then that is his choice and I would send him alone.

madisonbridges · 22/01/2022 00:01

Yeah, listening to superficial conversation, it's a killer.

Original poster

HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 08:13

@madisonbridges

I call it superficial but this doesn't adequately explain what its like.

It's weird as it's not something I've come across. They won't ask about important things that are going on in our lives - even asking about the health of there son after he had an MI just before Christmas. They won't ask about school with my son. They won't ask about how my training is going. I will consciously ask questions pertaining to there lives but it's rarely reciprocated. although I have stopped doing this so readily anymore, especially with dad. Any conversation about the things is cautiously spoken about because dad can be extremely pedantic. Everything has to be factualLy correct. If something is outside his understanding or knowledge he will get visibly frustrated and angry. He will frequently shut mum down in conversation. So if they are talking about the journey to somewhere and mums perception of what the weather was like is different from dads - he will ‘bristle’ and correct her. I fucking hate it. He does intimidate me and I was surprised to hear that he still does my husband. I feel on edge around them, especially him, and feel like I'm going to burst anytime soon, especially about how he speaks to mum.

OP posts:

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