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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Backing off ILs or still stick around to support DH

87 replies

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:28

I have spoken about my superficial relationship with my in laws on previous posts. DH loves his mum and dad but has long accepted that they will never be super close and they have never nor will they ever be there emotionally for him. I have decided moving forward I will reduce instigating contact and would go as so far as to only send DH and kids around theres when they invite us for dinner. I have lots to get on with and I would appreciate the break and frankly don't particularly enjoy there company.

But, when I spoke about this with DH he visibly looked hurt and expressed that he would like for me to go to support him.

So AIBU and of course I should go with DH to his parents? Or AINBU - not my circus not my monkeys type thing?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 22/01/2022 08:21

There is no way I would spend every Sunday dinner with my in-laws and I like them.

There is no way I would send my children to spend every Sunday lunch with my in-laws once a month if they were abusive either.

I'd agree to going once a month with the understanding that if they said something offence they would get one warning and then I would leave with the children if it was repeated. Trying to get along with people like this never works because they are not nice. Subjecting your children to the same abuse your husband experienced is not acceptable, your husband needs to hear this.

Palavah · 22/01/2022 08:26

There is no way I would send my children to spend every Sunday lunch with my in-laws once a month if they were abusive either.

This. Once a week is a lot for ILs you like.

Eddielzzard · 22/01/2022 08:30

I don't think this is good for your DS or your DH - or any of you! I would cut it back. No way should it be every week.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 08:31

@DisforDarkChocolate

I tried to pick dad up on his behaviour before and he said he reflected, spoke with mum, and disagreed with it. Which is ironic because this, I now realise, is the epicenter of his emotional abuse

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2022 08:33

Don’t go once a week. Support your DH not to go every week too - plan some different things for a Sunday lunchtime.

He can go alone one week, with you all another week, another week you all do something else etc.

SallyWD · 22/01/2022 08:37

Can't you go 50% of the time?

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2022 08:41

You're teaching your children to accept abuse. You've posted about this before and it's been suggested to go lower contact. You shouldn't be going to support your DH to accept abusive behaviour. I think you've said it's his Mum he really wants to see? She's made her bed. If my father hadn't have died when I was 16, my mother would never have known her GC. This is how cycles of abuse continues down the generations.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 08:41

I think I would tell your DH you will continue to go to support him (and I would to support your DS as well, tbh) if he compromises by finding reasons to not go MUCH more. Every weekend is way too often.

Redwinestillfine · 22/01/2022 08:44

If your dh needs support tosee his own parents maybe he should be reducing conta himself?

MrsBaublesDylan · 22/01/2022 08:49

Your dh is scared of his parents. He shouldn't be in contact with them.

It is fucked up that they get to be abusive, emotionally cold and unpleasant company, while you are expected to visit and act like all that is normal.

Tell your dh to get therapy and consider going no contact.

Definitely don't get involved. Tell him you are supporting him by showing him that no one has to put up with being abused.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/01/2022 08:50

I think you should go and not stand for it. Say things like ‘Sorry, MIL, what were YOU saying…?’ And so on.

It would be healthy for your DH, DS and everyone to have this called out and not put up with. It would break FIL’s spell. And I bet the Sunday lunches would become less frequent.

At the moment you are all colluding in PIL’s behaviour towards DH.

Comtesse · 22/01/2022 08:51

Why does your husband go every week if they’re so bad he’s needed years of therapy? Surely he needs to go less often as well? He’s pulling you into his FOG. I think I would start a hobby as a family that has to be done on Sunday evening. Or maybes your 12 yo has a LOT of homework?

Talipesmum · 22/01/2022 08:56

It sounds horrible. But I would go sometimes to support DH. I’d also want fewer visits overall - missing sundays out for everyone every now and again. And DH would need to show some ability to draw back - it’s not fair on you for him to need your support, but keep the frequency up. But understand it’s all v hard.

peboh · 22/01/2022 08:57

Why are you going weekly? Why does your husband want to go weekly? Is he trying to mend the relationship and be closer to his parents?
You say he has therapy, but no therapist would encourage him spending 1 day a week with abusive family members. They'd be encouraging limiting contact to a minimum whilst he's managing the trauma. Why are you taking your children to the house of abusers?
I'm sorry 'no dh, whilst I would love to support you, I cannot comfortably put out children in that situation again. I also would rather you not be'

RampantIvy · 22/01/2022 09:03

Why can't you be "busy" some weekends?

Santahasjoinedww · 22/01/2022 09:05

I would say rather than support your dh you should be protecting your dc and keeping them away!!
Imo.

Ragruggers · 22/01/2022 09:13

Could you arrange a family day out instead of the meal.Maybe MIL would like to come with you and leave FIL at home.Who knows how they would react to this .The children would enjoy a picnic and freedom.Certainly less stressful for you all.Who goes to family every Sunday just too much.Good luck.

Mosaic123 · 22/01/2022 09:19

Would you be willing to have them round to your place or initiate the meet up?

You might feel more in control and you can set the agenda? What about a quick Sunday afternoon tea at your place, or all going for a walk and then out for a cup of tea in a cafe near you?

They may behave better when out and the visit can be shorter.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/01/2022 09:25

Once a week is surely too much to spend with anyone particularly ils who are not good. 😱
I think once a month would be reasonable for your dh, you and your kids. Could you gradually wind down together.
I imagine it's a lifeline for your mil though, probably her once a week oxygen! Could she be visited separately at all so you aren't withdrawing from her as much, does fil have hobbies that she could have lunch with you while he golfs (or whatever) the whole set up sounds stifling. A little shake up and some changes might be good for all of you including your mil.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/01/2022 09:26

But for your aibu I think I would continue to support dh (and dc's) at least part of the time

Cherrysoup · 22/01/2022 09:27

Once a week is far too much. Don’t you ever get to do your own thing? It must be a constant trauma, waiting for the dreaded Sunday dinner!

JanuaryBluehoo · 22/01/2022 09:32

Why does your dh want to go once a week?

Does he really want too or is he feeling obliged too and guilt?

Maybe plan something fun for the day you are supposed to go and do it. Then say to dh, I'd much rather do something fun with you and the dc than sitting in an uncomfortable and unpleasant environment at pils.

He needs to address why he wants to go.

There are distinctions to be made between people who are well meaning but have no social skills or are difficult, perhaps a little gruff etc but well meaning.
Then there are people who speficically attack us. Talk down to us, are rude, make it clear they do not approve of us etc.
Not only do we have to endure that but also our dc witness it and see us being abused.

In the second scenario I wouldn't entertain it for a single second.

Fudgein · 22/01/2022 09:35

No I wouldn't go every week but do you think your DH realises that's probably the only relief your MIL gets from her abusive husband? I do find it a bit sad that she is also being tarred as abusive here, she is a victim of emotional abuse, so much so she cannot even tell her own version of events. I think to try and cut her off is actually cruel. Although I understand the point about them not being your family. I would suggest DH goes with the 1year old once and the next time you all go. That gives your son a bit of a break too.

JanuaryBluehoo · 22/01/2022 09:36

And you can't support your dh to the detriment of your own mh either and he shouldn't expect that nor ask it.

Booboobadoo · 22/01/2022 09:36

It sounds like your DH is too scared to reduce contact due to his crappy relationship with PILs and is shifting the pressure on you to support him. Too right you don't want to spend time with an abusive FIL. Where are your needs or your children's needs being considered in this?