Backing off ILs or still stick around to support DH

[HobgoblinGold]

I have spoken about my superficial relationship with my in laws on previous posts. DH loves his mum and dad but has long accepted that they will never be super close and they have never nor will they ever be there emotionally for him. I have decided moving forward I will reduce instigating contact and would go as so far as to only send DH and kids around theres when they invite us for dinner. I have lots to get on with and I would appreciate the break and frankly don't particularly enjoy there company.

But, when I spoke about this with DH he visibly looked hurt and expressed that he would like for me to go to support him.

So AIBU and of course I should go with DH to his parents? Or AINBU - not my circus not my monkeys type thing?

Agree with Anna and others.

Your dh needs to un pick as pp said why he feels obliged to go. How he needs to see his dm as supporting... Enabling fil. How she's not his responsibility and now he want you to enter into this triangle of suffering.

Interesting things to read are kaprman drama triangular and emeshnent.

Op my fil acts like he owns everything and every one.

He's utterly bizzare and has nothing to say really either. I've had a terrible heart wrenching time with them and my own dp are sadly long gone. It's taken me a long time to understand just anything isn't good enough.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I'm astonished that if your DH has spent quite some time in therapy, he hasn't yet got past the idea that he must do these weekly visits. A good therapist would get him to examine why he still feels 'obliged', unpick that, and recognise his own needs in all this. Do you think his therapy is working? Has his behaviour or thinking changed much in the time he's been going?

Agree that once a week is too much. I would say to him that you will go once a fortnight to support him, for now, but not more. If he still feels obliged to go weekly, he will have to go alone and find a way of coping. Confronting this would actually be better than him just continuing with it forever. You can be supportive without entirely sacrificing your own peace of mind.

He has had lots to go over with his therapist, plus I don't know what they actually discussed.

I did speak to DH about tho thread and he has listened to some of the replies. I think in his head he has come to a level of acceptance with how his parents are. He doesn't like it, but has accepted it and them. I think this wasn't explored in thfaoy because for him this wasn't what he wanted to focus on.

[quote Sproglette]@HobgoblinGold
Building on what @JanuaryBluehoo suggested... could DH buy mother's Day/birthday/Christmas presents that are tickets just for a day out for him and mil - something she like i.e. dinner and theatre (covid permitting) and then go from there to having enjoyed it so much for DH to take her out every so often i.e. tea at a garden centre or whatever she would be into but not fil[/quote]
I have actively encouraged this in the past. I'd ill continue to do this I think.

@JSL52

I'd cut it down to once a month. Don't send the kids without you. Sounds awful.

Interestingly I've just soon to my 12 year old about whether he wanted go. He asked whether I was going, I said no because I have a work deadline to work on. He then saidhe didn't want to go because I make it more interesting a sim good at the talking bit. It's such a shame really. I feel like I'm the buffer.

@AnnaMagnani

It's not a confidence issue is it? That's wishful thinking on the part of your DH.

She's just as bad a parent and grandparent as FIL, just in a different way.

DH still frelsintinatedby his dad and his protective side wants to protect his mum. My husband is incredibly kind and fiercely loyal.

@AnnaMagnani

Not even close!

DH still intimidated by his dad...

@JanuaryBluehoo

Are you a psychotherapist? I'm currently training to be a psychotherapist which I know is contributing to me having a good look at my own relationships and dynamics

@JanuaryBluehoo

🌺 for the loss of your dp

Thanks op. No I'm not but I'd like some tips.

The dynamics I found myself trapped in with pils has been one of of the their worst experiences of my life.

@JanuaryBluehoo

Thanks op. No I'm not but I'd like some tips.

The dynamics I found myself trapped in with pils has been one of of the their worst experiences of my life.

Im happy to answer any questions you have re training (message if you like?). Everything you've suggested demonstrate you are very familiar with the topic areas and areas I'll definitely be revisiting in light of what were discussing. Thank you for your insight.

I did 3 years of psychotherapy and only stopped as I moved out of area (a long time ago pre-Zoom) - I knew I was going to talk a lot about my Mum.

What totally surprised my was that I spent the first six months talking about my Dad - why hadn't he stopped her? I idolized my Dad as the perfect one but I slowly realised he had sat back passively and enjoyed his role, letting my Mum take the heat and effectively enabled her.

I did solve my parental dynamic and ended up very close to both parents in the end as it turned out that although mine were very dysfunctional, all of us wanted to have an adult relationship. That isn't going to happen for everyone and it certainly was deeply painful for all of us along the way.

It does appear that for your FIL it is his way or the highway.

Op my in laws only ask dc about school but that is because fil wants to check up on them and then be openly disapproving if they are not studying what he likes.

They don't even sound like good grandparents.
You don't have to see them evry week to bond it sounds awful for everyone involved. I'd just be Frank.

Your dh is upset you won't accompany him. To be blunt... So what.

I don't think it's fair your dc are forced to go either.

Anna

That's really interesting!!
I have a friend who absolves her df of all the annoyances in her childhood like having to cook for people when her dm went away. She blamed the dm for going away rather than her dc for not learning to cool or helping her to cook when left!!
. Its find it bizzare. She will tie herself up in knots over it