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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Backing off ILs or still stick around to support DH

87 replies

HobgoblinGold · 21/01/2022 22:28

I have spoken about my superficial relationship with my in laws on previous posts. DH loves his mum and dad but has long accepted that they will never be super close and they have never nor will they ever be there emotionally for him. I have decided moving forward I will reduce instigating contact and would go as so far as to only send DH and kids around theres when they invite us for dinner. I have lots to get on with and I would appreciate the break and frankly don't particularly enjoy there company.

But, when I spoke about this with DH he visibly looked hurt and expressed that he would like for me to go to support him.

So AIBU and of course I should go with DH to his parents? Or AINBU - not my circus not my monkeys type thing?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/01/2022 09:37

Once a week is far too often. Even for families that get on.
If it was just special occasions that would be different but its way too much to do it every sunday. If he needs support in order to see his own parents then maybe thats a bit of a clue that its a toxic situation. He might still feel obliged to them but youve got every right to back out. Tell dp you want your sundays back and they do not include his arsehole father

AnnaMagnani · 22/01/2022 09:44

Once a week! no way!

Your son doesn't enjoy it and he's getting to an age where he'll be busy doing his own thing anyway.

It eats into your weekends and family time.

Your DH doesn't even enjoy it - he needs support to go FFS.

You may be invited every week but that doesn't mean your family needs to go every week. Time for you ALL to be too busy and start saying that you can't make it each time - get it down to once a month as a target, DS attendance optional for starters. And no initiating other contact from yourselves.

Do a gradual fade out.

Morred · 22/01/2022 09:51

I’d do a fade out for all of you. So one week you and the 12yo do something nice while DH and the little one go. Then next time you can all go, then perhaps you could all be “busy”, then DH goes with the 12yo while you do something with the littler one. Gradually chip away at the expectation that all 4 of you will be there every week and then you can reduce the visits entirely.

Lots of clubs and groups are on Sunday mornings/early afternoons… perhaps try to get your son signed up to one of those? Then either you or DH will have to supervise and can’t go to lunch anymore. So sad, but these things do shift as kids get older, etc

Finallylostit · 22/01/2022 10:58

Your 12yr old has learned a valuable lesson from his grandparents on how not to treat people.

2-3 hrs per week

My Ex MIL borders from fab to a PITA. In her PITA moments I went to support my Ex.

I think you not knowing your grand parents is clouding your views. My DCs get so much from the GM - she has taught them gardening, cooks for them. Their GF was a man of his generation and yes nowadays we call it sexist but not in everything - my son could wire a plug aged 4 and by the time he was 8 when his GF died could talk all sorts that we would never have exposed him to. Now aged 14 - he is very aware that GF was a bit sexist and he knows the difference. WE have the expression - don't do a Grandad in our house.

YOur DH has asked for support this it a time for you to give it.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:02

@Mosaic123

I used to invite them lot around my place, but it was just awkward. Our home is a lot smaller than theirs and dad would come across as more pissed off. He really is, for the most part, unpleasant to be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:03

@JanuaryBluehoo

I have spoken to him about why he wants to go and he spoke of obligation and also to support his mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:05

Really interesting insight in once a week being too often. I don't have a family myself so I have nothing to go from.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:07

@Finallylostit

Your children grandparents sound like they actually contributed. These grandparents are not proactive like this.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 22/01/2022 12:16

He needs to recognise his mum's role in this. She has stayed in the marriage all these years, seen the damage done to him, not left and presumably backs up FIL.

At this point she is enabling FIL's abuse. There is some gain for her, however deluded, in staying in the marriage, and your DH cannot fix this for her.

I'd strongly recommend the book Toxic Inlaws for you, and Toxic Parents for him.

And reading up about FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Your DH has basically acknowledged those are the reasons he goes.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:23

@AnnaMagnani

He needs to recognise his mum's role in this. She has stayed in the marriage all these years, seen the damage done to him, not left and presumably backs up FIL.

At this point she is enabling FIL's abuse. There is some gain for her, however deluded, in staying in the marriage, and your DH cannot fix this for her.

I'd strongly recommend the book Toxic Inlaws for you, and Toxic Parents for him.

And reading up about FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Your DH has basically acknowledged those are the reasons he goes.

Thanks for this - will look up books.

I don't think mum would see what FIL does as abuse. As they never ask about DH personal therapy I think they just remain blissfully ignorant as to why. It astonishes me to watch the complete refusal to ask questions pertaining to health. In the past I have just volunteered the information as I thought they'd like to know (just updates about things). In hindsight, and moving forward, I'm not going to do this anymore.

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Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:34

There also have another son that lives about 3 hours away. He keeps himself completely separate from them and the rest of the family tbh. I have in the past been angry about this but over the last few months have more understanding as to why.

They travel to see him about 2-3 times a year. He rarely visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:37

@AnnaMagnani

I actually don't think they would even think they've done the damage. Mum lives in a bubble. I wonder whether this is something she's done to protect herself. Dad mostly operates as master of all he surveys.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 22/01/2022 12:46

So your DH goes because he thinks he is protecting his mum. But the real situation is that his mum has made a life for herself with this weird obnoxious man, living in cloud cuckoo-land, to the extent she has already alienated one of her children.

The painful truth for your DH is that given a choice, she would pick FIL and not him. She chooses to stay with the man who makes his life, and his childhood a misery.

This is a hard pill for him to swallow but the best support you can give him is to realise that he doesn't need to go to the dinners either.

Mrsweasleysclock · 22/01/2022 12:47

I would go if my kids were going. Even if only to distract them from the behaviour between their grandparents and so I am aware of what they are talking about if they have questions after. Make it a short visit though. Arrive just before dinner and leave around half an hour after dinner is finished. Some of the days don't even stay for dinner. Let them know before hand that you can't stay to long but will pop in for a quick tea. Then gradually increase the quick tea's and let the regular long dinners reduce completely.

Mrsweasleysclock · 22/01/2022 12:49

Should say too long! *

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:50

@AnnaMagnani

What you're saying is absolutely right. It's so difficult to explain what the abuse is like because it's so subtle that I end up questioning it myself. Bieber, if I look at the evidence, is, that they have minjna contact with both of there sons, and really the only reason we are involved with them is because of a massive effort on my behalf. I have ingratiated myself into there family unit to fulfil my own familial loss. I'm ashamed to say j have done this without thinking of the repercussions on my DH and now kids. I am now seeing it through very different lenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:52

@AnnaMagnani

Bieber has nothing to do with it!

Meaning to say - but if I look at the evidence, they have minimal contact with both of there sons.

OP posts:
JanuaryBluehoo · 22/01/2022 12:53

So maybe ask his mum over.

Original poster
HobgoblinGold · 22/01/2022 12:55

@JanuaryBluehoo

Without his dad?

I'm.not sure how this would work. I know she would want FIL there too. It's a weird dynamic.

Plus - MIL is distant with the children, often she doesnt want to hold DD. And if she does it looks like she's holding her as you would a real heavy bag of spuds. DH has suggested it's a confidence issue.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 22/01/2022 12:58

Sometimes when threads appear on here about partners who are good providers but won't let their show have their own opinion /voice and the op is split over starting and going, partly over fear partly cos it's been such a gradual tightening of the bond they virtually can't see, I wonder what became of them. They are at such a key cross roads.
This scenario is the stay with him version of the decision, where the wife has lost sight of any other normal, has justified all kinds of things including consequences to the kids and now is like 'hear no evil' monkey with hands firmly clamped over the ears.
It's a sorry tale indeed and your poor dh has a sone untangling to do before he can experience peace with being in their lives (such a high level of involvement too!) or not being in their lives.
You sound like a really supportive partner op and I wish you both luck navigating their toxic dynamic.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 22/01/2022 12:59

I'm astonished that if your DH has spent quite some time in therapy, he hasn't yet got past the idea that he must do these weekly visits. A good therapist would get him to examine why he still feels 'obliged', unpick that, and recognise his own needs in all this. Do you think his therapy is working? Has his behaviour or thinking changed much in the time he's been going?

Agree that once a week is too much. I would say to him that you will go once a fortnight to support him, for now, but not more. If he still feels obliged to go weekly, he will have to go alone and find a way of coping. Confronting this would actually be better than him just continuing with it forever. You can be supportive without entirely sacrificing your own peace of mind.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/01/2022 13:00

Show =spouse
Staying or going.
Auto correct, a blessing and a curse. 😆

Sproglette · 22/01/2022 13:02

@HobgoblinGold
Building on what @JanuaryBluehoo suggested... could DH buy mother's Day/birthday/Christmas presents that are tickets just for a day out for him and mil - something she like i.e. dinner and theatre (covid permitting) and then go from there to having enjoyed it so much for DH to take her out every so often i.e. tea at a garden centre or whatever she would be into but not fil

JSL52 · 22/01/2022 13:07

I'd cut it down to once a month. Don't send the kids without you. Sounds awful.

AnnaMagnani · 22/01/2022 13:28

It's not a confidence issue is it? That's wishful thinking on the part of your DH.

She's just as bad a parent and grandparent as FIL, just in a different way.