Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use child maintenance payments for household bills

100 replies

AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 17:31

I'm a bit nervous about asking this.

I'm divorced and on a low income. I work part time now which I've built up to after years of my own dreadful mental health and also DD having mental health issues and me needing to be on call if things kicked off at school.

My ExH pays around £300 maintenance a month.

My household budget, which includes the maintenance money, goes towards rent, food, clothes for DD, DD's haircuts, her bus pass and household bills. I always thought that the purpose of maintenance money was that it go towards making sure your child is fed, clothed, warm and has a roof over their head?

I never go over what I earn part time for things for myself. I rarely buy myself new clothes - will get second hand ones from time to time. I haven't had a haircut in years. I have a couple of small luxuries like a TV subscription, but am very careful that this comes out of the money that I earn and most of what I earn goes towards making sure my daughter is properly cared for.

Her father keeps complaining to DD that he gives me £300 per month and it should be for her and I shouldn't be spending it on bills. She rang him today asking for an advance on her pocket money because she saw some shoes she liked in a second hand shop (I'd refused because I've given her bits and bobs of money through the week and had told her a couple of days ago that I've given her what I can afford this week - I suggested she ask them to put them on hold for her and she pay half today) - she's not short on clothes/shoes btw - she's just really interested in fashion so wanted to treat herself. He then complained to her about how I'm not spending money on her and where was the maintenance money going (which I think is inappropriate and it really upset DD - and it's not the first time he's made this complaint to her)

I feel that I am spending money on her - if I wasn't resident parent, I would live in a small flat rather than a house, I'd buy less food, I'd use less power. Have I been deluded in thinking maintenance money can go towards the household budget in this way? I think ExH thinks I should be using it to shower DD with gifts?

I'm genuinely concerned in case I've not been spending it correctly. Please be gentle. I honestly thought it was OK to use maintenance money for bills?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/01/2022 17:34

Who on earth voted YABUHmm

RunningInTheWind · 21/01/2022 17:34

You’re doing great. He’s a bellend. Pour yourself a celebratory drink because 1) it’s Friday night and 2) you’re not sharing the sofa with him.

HirplesWithHaggis · 21/01/2022 17:35

Does your daughter use electricity at all? Gas? Live under a council-taxed roof? Eat food?

Of course you can use CM for bills. Tell your ex to do one.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/01/2022 17:36

You beed to explain it to tour DD that the £300 is bot her spending money, instead it’s “half” her upkeep.

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2022 17:36

So he thinks she eats fresh air and sleeps outside does he?

You are quite right . Money spent on bills IS money spent for the benefit of the child.

They need to eat. Be warm. Have shelter.

Tell him to fuck off.

UserError012345 · 21/01/2022 17:37

The money is to help keep a roof over her head (and lots of other things) when she's not with him. How often does he have her ?

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 21/01/2022 17:37

Of course it’s fine to use it on household bills - it’s not like it’s going on an expensive car monthly payment etc. This is basic rent, food, household bills. Do not enter into any sort of debate with him over where the money goes. It is none of his business and you don’t have to justify anything to him. How old is your daughter? Do you get top up benefits? I would just let your daughter know that the money she gets from dad has to go towards keeping her warm, fed and with a roof over her head. Just in case he starts trying to play any mind games with her.

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2022 17:37

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Who on earth voted YABUHmm
Eow dads who think feeding their child is optional and / or partners of the same, at a guess.
coodawoodashooda · 21/01/2022 17:40

It's absolutely none of his business what you spend the money on as long as you are not neglecting your responsibilities.

PonyPatter44 · 21/01/2022 17:41

Doesn't your DD live in the house then? Does she not watch TV, use a computer or have a bath or shower? All those things cost money and have to be paid for.

My personal view is that your ex has no say in what the child maintenance is spent on. As long as your child isn't going without, you can spend the maintenance on whatever you see fit. Gin and Louboutins might be taking it a bit far, but you do you.

Flocon · 21/01/2022 17:42

It's half her upkeep. As long as you're spending the same or more on her there's none left for shoes fgs. Your ex is an idiot.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 21/01/2022 17:42

My ex once proclaimed he was not a free babysitter when I asked him to have DS for a weekend so I could go away for my 30th with friends. The first weekend ever after 16 months….. 🙄 he also claimed I didn’t need maintenance when DS was a premie in NICU. Because he wasn’t costing me any money. Never mind the fact I had been forced onto mat leave 2 months early, had to fund transport to and from the hospital, and still pay my bills after a c-section emergency delivery. Twat.

Always good when they remind you WHY they are an ex

FangsForTheMemory · 21/01/2022 17:43

How old is your DD? Is she old enough for you to go through the household expenses with her so that she understands where the money goes?

As others have said, your ex is a twat. The £300 is potentially for half hour rent/mortgage, half your council tax, half hour fuel bills . . . Your DD uses all these.

Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 17:45

Thank you, I'm relieved to see the responses so far. I've not engaged in conversation with ExH about it. It's just that DD gets the brunt of it because the rants about it from him are to her. She is 15.

I get housing benefit (which doesn't cover the entire rent) plus child benefit/child tax credit. I feel bad because it took me a while after my marriage to be able to work - I struggle badly with my mental health and my self-confidence was shot after a very unhappy marriage. Walking down the street was scary, let alone working. I have part time work which I'm good at now and it's building up, but if I didn't get maintenance money, I wouldn't be able to afford to pay all of the bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 17:48

She stays with him a couple of weekends a month and she sometimes stays with him for a week or so over some of the school holidays. For a year or so until recently he had her every weekend. We've been divorced 8 years

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 21/01/2022 17:52

OP you are absolutely right, ignore his nonsense. Everyone I know who receives CM uses some of it towards food, bills, childcare, etc. It's all part of the costs of having a child. It's not like you're using the maintenance money to go and treat yourself! It's bloody expensive to run a house. Also being a resident parent can limit your earning potential, it's easy for a non-resident parent to not have to worry about childcare, school runs, etc and for them to put their career always first.

vodkaredbullgirl · 21/01/2022 17:54

Ignore him, it is going toward keeping a roof over her head, food on the table, electric etc.

Chattycatty · 21/01/2022 17:57

I use the maintenance for my ds on mortgage water and TV licence money coming in to your home is your money and your daughter is provided for. If he wants her to have more money herself then he should give it to her separately to maintenance.

100Cause0ftheSauce · 21/01/2022 18:02

Do you give DD pocket money ?
DD could have some of her own savings & spending money

Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:05

ExH gives DD £10 pocket money per week. Having money to spend is a bit more fluid from me and I need to formalise it really, I tend to give her bits and bobs through the week when she asks for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:05

I'll buy her treats too

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 21/01/2022 18:09

OP, your ex is a twat. Any maintenance you receive is towards the care of your dd and that includes heating, light, food etc. My ex, who is also a twat, but for other reasons, has just increased my maintenance because he knows that the gas and electricity prices have gone through the roof and he didn't want me to have to choose between heating a house and clothing the dc.

Lwren · 21/01/2022 18:11

He sounds a fucking prick, I'm so happy you're divorced.

Just to echo what everyone has said really. There is a misconception that the full time parent receiving CM can't spend it on anything other than the child.
Bollocks.
Let's say I give my ex 100 a month for arguments sake, because he's a full time caregiver, he would be providing everything else besides this 100. Food, warmth, clothing, everything. Out of all his bills its a piss in the ocean, but what it does give my ex is a bit of cash, even for a few days that should ease the pressure off him, be it he needs to buy some food, a new pair of shoes, anything. The money is for their household kitty and how it's spent isn't fuck all to do with me, as long as DC are warm and fed etc, then it's money to ease pressure.
I've known people say, "I'll buy them such and such" to refuse their ex money. Its control. People have no right making kids and not contributing to their household bills etc, no kid needs £300 clothes each month, they do however need rent covering, water, etc.
Quite honestly if I was paying my ex CM I'd hope he use it if he was struggling for hair cuts etc, night out or new stuff. The idea that CM is seen as pocket money for a DC angers me so so much. I can guarantee you pay far fucking more to your DD's month than he does with £300

Flocon · 21/01/2022 18:13

I imagine as soon as she's old enough he's just going to stop from the sounds of it. Forgetting she still needs a roof over her head.

FloraPostIt · 21/01/2022 18:14

The number of times I've heard this from fucking useless men. Ex Bil, while paying my sister the calculated CSA minimum (at the time) for "a breakdown of what a three year old spends £X on" as he reckoned he was paying too much. Not for a second did it occur to him that his daughter needed food, water, heat and shelter and that it was his responsibility to provide this. Society's bar is soooooo low for dads and I despair.