to use child maintenance payments for household bills

[AmIMistaken]

I'm a bit nervous about asking this.

I'm divorced and on a low income. I work part time now which I've built up to after years of my own dreadful mental health and also DD having mental health issues and me needing to be on call if things kicked off at school.

My ExH pays around £300 maintenance a month.

My household budget, which includes the maintenance money, goes towards rent, food, clothes for DD, DD's haircuts, her bus pass and household bills. I always thought that the purpose of maintenance money was that it go towards making sure your child is fed, clothed, warm and has a roof over their head?

I never go over what I earn part time for things for myself. I rarely buy myself new clothes - will get second hand ones from time to time. I haven't had a haircut in years. I have a couple of small luxuries like a TV subscription, but am very careful that this comes out of the money that I earn and most of what I earn goes towards making sure my daughter is properly cared for.

Her father keeps complaining to DD that he gives me £300 per month and it should be for her and I shouldn't be spending it on bills. She rang him today asking for an advance on her pocket money because she saw some shoes she liked in a second hand shop (I'd refused because I've given her bits and bobs of money through the week and had told her a couple of days ago that I've given her what I can afford this week - I suggested she ask them to put them on hold for her and she pay half today) - she's not short on clothes/shoes btw - she's just really interested in fashion so wanted to treat herself. He then complained to her about how I'm not spending money on her and where was the maintenance money going (which I think is inappropriate and it really upset DD - and it's not the first time he's made this complaint to her)

I feel that I am spending money on her - if I wasn't resident parent, I would live in a small flat rather than a house, I'd buy less food, I'd use less power. Have I been deluded in thinking maintenance money can go towards the household budget in this way? I think ExH thinks I should be using it to shower DD with gifts?

I'm genuinely concerned in case I've not been spending it correctly. Please be gentle. I honestly thought it was OK to use maintenance money for bills?

Ask DD "why do you think your Dad rants at you about stuff?" Truly help her step back and assess what if going on and how wrong and inappropriate he is being.

She needs to find the words and see him for the selfish immature unkind person he is and that his behaviour is wrong.

I don't mean interrogate her I mean instead of you saying "he shouldn't do that" just asking "why do you think he's done/said that".

@RandomMess thank you. That's a good idea. Up until now I've said to DD that I think her dad is maybe confused about what CM is about and reassured her that I'm not upset personally about what he says, but it's not an appropriate thing to discuss with her. I find it difficult because I really, really don't want to badmouth her dad to her - but I also don't want to justify/normalise his behaviour and invalidate how she feels

It may be worth having a conversation with her about the cost of living and why the £300 is not for 'buying stuff'.

To the person who said £300 plus £10 per is a lot, it really isn't. And pocket money is something you give your children after you've paid for their clothes, food and shelter- it is irrelevant to the CM.

Mine goes straight on the council tax. Pretty sure my child likes living in a house where the bins get taken away and the firefighters will come rescue us in the event of a fire.

I was going to say what @RandomMess said.

You need to equip her with the tools and confidence to challenge him. She needs to be able to say ‘I don’t want you to talk to me about this stuff dad - it’s nothing to do with me’ etc.

I would also be wary that without a formal arrangement he could just stop paying you.

He doesn't need to know what you do with it. Stop telling him anything absolutely nothing to do with him and tell him to stop involving dd in all this drama ,maintain as limited contact and discussion as possible. He's on a need to know basis and he doesn't need to know anything unless its an emergency with the child.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job. Of course maintenance is to go towards things like that - it's all part of the cost of raising your daughter. It's not pocket money! He sounds like a five star pillock. Ignore him and give yourself a pat on the back, you're doing exactly the right things. Well done for getting him out of your hair.

Just a thought - at 15, if your daughter doesn't want to see him, she really doesn't have to? The court would listen to her if he challenged it.

I have never discussed with ExH how I spend the CM money. I think DD has told him that I spend it towards bills and he has said to her that "your mum should be paying bills by herself". I wouldn't have discussed CM with DD at all, but she approached me very angrily a couple of years back, saying that her dad had told her he gave me loads of money for her every month and I was keeping it for myself - so then I tried to explain to her what CM was for as I understood it.

DD does want to see her Dad and she loves him very much. She had period of time a couple of years back where she didn't want to see him and that made him very angry because he assumed that I'd been saying stuff to her to poison her against him when I honestly hadn't. I'd been making excuses for him if anything, but it was very hard for him to accept that he had anything to do with her wanting space from him. She made the decision to start seeing him again eventually and I supported her whichever decision she wanted to take. It does mean though that his already massive hostility towards me is even worse

You are completely and utterly correct in what maintenance is for OP. Don't give him airtime in your head. x

My first post on MN I have 2 children in mid 20’s Started to receive maintenance of £25 a month on youngest 16th birthday although he did contribute to school uniforms, clubs etc I feel it is a form of control, being main carer/resident parent it impacted earning potential I didn’t have a career break but my working hours were limited at time’s even with childcare available to me from 8-6 and during holidays I could never be late for pick up, I was knackered, taking time off work for usual childhood illnesses and for a serious accident DC had that required rehabilitation for several years although I could still work during that time after the initial hospital stay. We also have a two tier school system here your child goes to high school at 11 and you lose all breakfast/after school/holiday club so then have to cut work hours, oh gosh first post and rant all in one! X

I think 15 is plenty old enough to be more open about what things cost and where CM goes actually. I'd sit her down and talk it through.

The other thing that you could do is work on her confidence to bat these things back. It will maybe improve your confidence too OP to practice having the right things to say.

I do... not always but sometimes in hard months it helps pay off the credit card

But he is bad mouthing you to her continually.

Stop making excuses for him.

You can say truthfully you don't know why he says these things, why does she think he does?

When he badmouths around why you divorced you correct her with facts.

Every time you cover up his nastiness/abuse/bad mouthing you actually undermine her ability to see the truth. She knows you are dependable and loving and good and her Dad badmouthing you is causing her conflict and confusion hence her not seeing him for a while!

@Lovinglife50 thank you for your first post being on this thread! £25 when your youngest child has turned 16 is terrible. I'm really sorry. I'm lucky really in that at least I get maintenance money - I do know people who's Exes have lied about their income to CMS (ExH works a civil service job so wouldn't be able to lie at least). There are some really feckless men out there.

I agree about earning potential 100% too.

@Lovinglife50 - also sorry to hear about your DC's accident - it sounds like a very stressful time. I hope they are fully recovered now?

Your right, he's not housing her feeding her bathing her driving her around most of the time like you are, that's precisely what maintenance is for.

Unless he does 50/50 half of every week until adulthood he'll be shortchanging you massively. To the tune of hundreds of thousands.
Who would he pay for the actual 24/7 'care' and supervision alone of his child half of every week if you weren't there. Look at the extortionate cost of nursery fees. And that's not a night rate. 'Childcare' is expensive. His £300 a month doesn't touch the sides.
That's before living expenses.
Offer him 50/50 and you won't take a penny more off him. But he won't go for that will he.
Tell him to jog on.

I get alot more than you per month and if I was questioned, even slightly , about how it was spent I would still be laughing as I put the phone down!

I am so sorry that he uses your daughter in this way. All you can do is not allow him any space in your head and keep loving and looking after your child.

You are acting in her best interests, with all his comments he is showing he is a child that is incapable of putting her first.

Don't let him make you second guess yourself again

WonderfulYou you think very high eraners pay £300 per month for their kids?
CM deal with NRP’s earnings up to £150,000 a year, if the RP thinks the earnings are higher, then you go to court. Don’t mind being corrected in the actual amount but that’s the ballpark or at least was 10 years ago.

Of course it’s for bills and what is needed in general to bring her up - could include school uniform, dentist costs, electricity, childcare, after school clubs, glasses, rent/mortgage etc.

@RandomMess - sorry - I didn't explain myself very well. When my daughter had been convinced by her father that I'd had an affair behind his back (which explained 2 weeks of her being absolutely foul to me!!) I showed her emails and paperwork to prove the timeline to her. I think her father did genuinely think he was right - but even if he had been right, he shouldn't have said that to DD (and I did actually email him to confront him about that because I was incensed at how upset DD was).

I do tell her that her father shouldn't be discussing CM with her and I say that I think he might be confused about the purpose of CM. I just don't want to go on a rant of my own and upset her further.

I suppose when she tells me things, she worries about upsetting me, which is why I try to reassure her that I can cope with him referring to me as a hippo or slagging me off - or his partner who has never met me insinuating to DD that I'm some kind of alcoholic (really don't know where that one comes from! I'm assuming ExH has laid on the "crazy ex" stories with a trowel for her - like he did his "crazy" exes with me back in the day)

I do tell her that I disagree with him on certain fundamental issues, but these are things are I think are important and not for the sake of it. If she's upset with her dad's behaviour, I do acknowledge how he can behave - I just don't want to attack him personally (and DD does think I slag her dad off sometimes - which I really hope I don't do and I've apologised and told her to pull me up on it immediately if she thinks I'm doing it).

It's a really difficult balance

My CM comes in (£1000 a month as he is a high earner) and the money goes into the bank with everything else and is spent on food, clubs, bills etc.
if my ex started trying to dictate anything to me, I wouldn’t even respond!

This reminds me of the time my knob of an ex husband suddenly declared that he didn't approve of me using maintenance to pay for bills, so he would 'put it into a separate bank account (which only he would have access to) to use for fun things with the girls'. Obvs this forced me into going through official channels to take it from his wage, but it was an omen of things to come - he lost his job, I stopped getting anything from him and he's never officially worked again, working freelance and not declaring it.

Almost 10 years on, the girls are older and karma has slapped him in the face - his antics became noticeable to them and they don't have anything to do with him.

Of course you can use it towards bills. And it's none of his business if you did use it for a haircut/new clothes for yourself. It goes into the pot to be used in your household as you deem fit.