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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use child maintenance payments for household bills

100 replies

AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 17:31

I'm a bit nervous about asking this.

I'm divorced and on a low income. I work part time now which I've built up to after years of my own dreadful mental health and also DD having mental health issues and me needing to be on call if things kicked off at school.

My ExH pays around £300 maintenance a month.

My household budget, which includes the maintenance money, goes towards rent, food, clothes for DD, DD's haircuts, her bus pass and household bills. I always thought that the purpose of maintenance money was that it go towards making sure your child is fed, clothed, warm and has a roof over their head?

I never go over what I earn part time for things for myself. I rarely buy myself new clothes - will get second hand ones from time to time. I haven't had a haircut in years. I have a couple of small luxuries like a TV subscription, but am very careful that this comes out of the money that I earn and most of what I earn goes towards making sure my daughter is properly cared for.

Her father keeps complaining to DD that he gives me £300 per month and it should be for her and I shouldn't be spending it on bills. She rang him today asking for an advance on her pocket money because she saw some shoes she liked in a second hand shop (I'd refused because I've given her bits and bobs of money through the week and had told her a couple of days ago that I've given her what I can afford this week - I suggested she ask them to put them on hold for her and she pay half today) - she's not short on clothes/shoes btw - she's just really interested in fashion so wanted to treat herself. He then complained to her about how I'm not spending money on her and where was the maintenance money going (which I think is inappropriate and it really upset DD - and it's not the first time he's made this complaint to her)

I feel that I am spending money on her - if I wasn't resident parent, I would live in a small flat rather than a house, I'd buy less food, I'd use less power. Have I been deluded in thinking maintenance money can go towards the household budget in this way? I think ExH thinks I should be using it to shower DD with gifts?

I'm genuinely concerned in case I've not been spending it correctly. Please be gentle. I honestly thought it was OK to use maintenance money for bills?

OP posts:
theskyispurple · 21/01/2022 18:16

He's a twat, you are great.
Formalise her spending money from you so she can start learning about money and independence.

Whysotired · 21/01/2022 18:19

@RunningInTheWind

You’re doing great. He’s a bellend. Pour yourself a celebratory drink because 1) it’s Friday night and 2) you’re not sharing the sofa with him.
This! Flowers
Hesma · 21/01/2022 18:19

CM is exactly for that. I use it as part of my income to maintain a riff over my DDs head, feed them etc. It’s not picket money or savings, they would be separate

Hesma · 21/01/2022 18:19

Pocket 🙄

delilahbucket · 21/01/2022 18:20

It's nothing to do with him. You are spending it on her, keeping a roof over her head and food in her belly. Does he think these things are free? Moron.

Cloverforever · 21/01/2022 18:21

He's either incredibly thick, or being emotionally abusive to your daughter OP. Or both....

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/01/2022 18:21

You are well shot of him.

Of course you spend it on bills. Its part of her upkeep.

The worst thing about this is that he is having these conversations with your DD. That's bloody awful parenting by him.

oncemoreunto · 21/01/2022 18:23

He really is a pillock.
Of course his financial contribution to child rearing is meant to cover the basic essentials your child needs.

funinthesun19 · 21/01/2022 18:25

Yanbu. It all just goes in to the household pot and you spend in how you see fit. It all benefits your dc in the end.

Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:27

Thank you so much. I'm most upset that he's saying this to DD. She has enough challenges in her life. Other classics have been him telling her that I had an affair with my bloke before I split up with him (I didn't - thank goodness I had emails that meant that I could prove to DD that we weren't even spending time together as friends before I split up with ExH - not that I particularly wanted to show them to DD as well as showing her my divorce paperwork). He comments to her about my mental health, about my weight (has referred to me as a 'hippo'). I can cope with that stuff but DD really can't. On this though I was starting to second guess myself and wonder if he was right

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:29

I'd confront him on him saying the stuff about CM to DD - if it weren't for the fact that it would probably make him say worse stuff to her

OP posts:
SomebodysMum · 21/01/2022 18:30

Can you point out to him that the purpose of maintenance is to maintain her. For people to be maintained they need food, shelter, warmth etc.

It’s literally in the name.

Flocon · 21/01/2022 18:30

Must be so hard on her. Poor thing.

WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 18:31

YANBU but £300 a month plus £10 a week is quite a lot so I’m assuming this isn’t done via CMS unless he’s a very high earner?

I would be wary about telling him you’re spending it on other things.
You are completely correct that the money is used to feed and clothe them but in his eyes he doesn’t want you getting anything out of his money. So you don’t want him being spiteful and reducing payments as he seems the sort.
So I would stick to - you’re trying to get her to save up for things rather than just being given the money for them now she’s getting older.

Liz1tummypain · 21/01/2022 18:32

I think she should tell your ex nit to discuss this with DD. She doesn't need to be involved and neither of you would want her to feel bogged down in your financial issues. You do not need to justify how CM is spent. You don't have to provide bills or discuss it at all with your ex. It's for everyday living so yes, this is a share of all household bills. He doesn't seem to have a clue. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Best wishes

Hyenaormeercat · 21/01/2022 18:32

At least you are reaffirmed as to why he is ex...as for DD, why not sit down and do a spreadsheet together, she is old enough for the reality of costs of living..and factor in a formal budget for her so she can learn money management.

Liz1tummypain · 21/01/2022 18:32

nit? not to discuss it

Porcupineintherough · 21/01/2022 18:33

Forget your ex.

Engage w your dd about what it takes to run a household. Show her energy bills, talk to her about council tax and what it covers, rents/mortgages, make it clear what a wifi connection or phone contract costs. At 15 she's not so far from leaving home, she needs to start learning about what stuff costs. You dont need to specifically talk about child maintenance, she'll make that connect herself.

Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:33

We didn't go through the CMS, but the money he pays is worked out by the online government Child Maintenance calculator.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 21/01/2022 18:34

Don't engage with this. The money goes into the household pot and her needs are met. It's absolutely none of his business. I remember my ex-h sending me an email by mistake that was meant for somebody else where he boasted he'd halved maintenance as he wasn't prepared to fund my "wine and fags lifestyle". He left me with a disabled two year old, I had to give up work to care for him, I don't smoke either. I will admit to wine. What an absolute piece of shit. I stopped that nonsense by going through the CMS. I got less but at least it was consistent and he couldn't use it to control me.

TooManyPJs · 21/01/2022 18:36

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Who on earth voted YABUHmm
I think ExH has found the thread obvs.....!?!
Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:36

He lied about his income for a few years so he wouldn't have to pay as much - I knew what he was earning because he told DD and she told me (I didn't ask her - she just mentioned it), but I didn't want him to take out on her if I confronted him. A couple of years later he started getting even more money and told DD, so I asked him about it - and sure enough he was then very unpleasant to DD for a few months until she had a period of time when she refused to see him. I'm pretty sure the unpleasantness coincided with me asking him about his income...

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIMistaken · 21/01/2022 18:38

@TheFormidableMrsC - that's so shit. I'm really sorry

OP posts:
Meandthesky · 21/01/2022 18:39

YANBU

It’s to go towards the expenses of having a child. So keeping a roof over her head, food, clothes, school supplies, extra curricular activities, mobile phone (if old enough), etc

It’s not her spending money.

Opti2021 · 21/01/2022 18:41

To the previous poster, why would he be a very high earner because he's paying £300 a month? My exDH pays £350 a months and he earns 30 to 35k a year...that's the cms minimum amount for that wage.