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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish?

117 replies

sploshsplash · 21/01/2022 14:36

H has decided that Jan- March Sundays are his to do practice runs for a marathon he has in April.
He has said no late nights out for me and none for us a couple on a Saturday so he can sleep well for Sunday and no Nights out with him on a Friday because he has work Saturday mornings... but it's ok to go out for dinner on a Sunday evening if we want as he can have a drink.
I don't drink Sundays as work is in the morning.
We had a big argument (instigated by me) before Christmas about lack of couple time together away from the home. It was because I have said many times he doesn't see us doing things as a couple as being important to him... not much came from the argument.
He's called me unsupportive and selfish for being annoyed at claiming the first 3 months of the year to himself.... am I selfish and unsupportive? I just don't feel important to him.
2 children... been together nearly 20 years.
Thanks

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 22/01/2022 10:33

I think you need to go back to this again and perhaps put it in an email to avoid arguing - no you aren't supportive of him deciding by himself to take on a hobby that not only takes over half of his non-work time, but also limits what you can do with your non-work time. He has reserved 50% of the work free day time for his hobby. If you take the same (taking yourself out every Saturday daytime), the children get no family time at all and you get no time together as a couple. So he has effectively reserved all the alone daytime for himself without bothering to ask you first for 3 months. No you don't support that level of selfishness.

He also has decided his hobby not only takes over half of all free time, but you can't make the most of your weekend evenings either as his hobby choice has also meant you can't do what you want without him. You weren't asked in advance of his signing up for this marathon, you'd have said no if you were asked if you would give up every Saturday night for 3 months so he can get his sleep.

As you weren't asked, no you are not supporting this. He can pull out of doing the marathon or he can do it without your support. If he wants your support he needs to ask for it in advance next time and be very clear how much impact on you, the children and your relationship his hobby will have.

BonnesVacances · 22/01/2022 10:34

How much do you both drink that you have to factor in its impact on the following day? Confused

ChiefStockingStuffer · 22/01/2022 10:35

It sounds like your marriage might be over, frankly, and he's just riding it out until the kids are gone.

I think you need to start looking at making a life for yourself without him since he's clearly not interested in you and is actively making plans for his own lifestyle and demanding you accommodate it without any regard for your life.

MamaSquealus · 22/01/2022 11:10

Please don't put up with someone who just straight up called you a cunt in a non-joking way, especially when it was in retaliation for you wanting him to value you and your marriage; that's disgusting. As is telling you how you should live your life and spend your time just because he's decided to do some running. A marathon is not more important than your marriage; if in his warped mind it is, he needs to fuck off.
You deserve better 💐

steppemum · 22/01/2022 13:08

I woudl second the idea of counselling.

I know a few people who have done it.
For each couple the outcome was different, some stayed together and it massively helpded their marriage, some split up.

But for all of them it helped both of them to clarify what was going on and what they wanted, and helped them to communicate with their partner So even if they split up it was less painful and more amicable than it could have been.

KO81 · 22/01/2022 13:11

He sounds like a shit husband, a selfish, controlling cunt, and frankly, a piss-poor runner.

LittleOwl153 · 22/01/2022 18:05

I would take the 3 months to carve out a life for yourself. The kids are old enough that as long as he is at home they'll be fine - they don't need 'looking after' 24/7. So decide what you want. Join a club, hit the pub solo, go walking or do something with your kids but make it something consuming. Ditch him. Ignore him and his fanciful demands and get on with your own life - you only get 1 and as you say you'll see where you are at the end of it. You'll either be sat around waiting for him at the finish line or you will have moved on and not even know its race day!

Sedai · 22/01/2022 18:48

Why can you not go out for dinner on Friday or Saturday where HE doesn't drink and you get a glass of wine?
I have so often jumped to people's defense for doing hobbies but is being selfish as fuck.

Sedai · 22/01/2022 18:48

He is being*

OVienna · 24/01/2022 16:47

@sploshsplash

So, after another conversation which I started off as a conversation but it turned into an argument because of the 'selfish and unsupportive' points agin... Ended up being called a C which is normally reserved for joking but this was used in a nasty way.... I've just said to see where we are after this because nothing will change, we still won't do anything together and I refuse to beg for attention.
I'm sure others have already picked this up. But he used the 'c' word with you in a serious way?
OVienna · 24/01/2022 16:50

@MargosKaftan

I think you need to go back to this again and perhaps put it in an email to avoid arguing - no you aren't supportive of him deciding by himself to take on a hobby that not only takes over half of his non-work time, but also limits what you can do with your non-work time. He has reserved 50% of the work free day time for his hobby. If you take the same (taking yourself out every Saturday daytime), the children get no family time at all and you get no time together as a couple. So he has effectively reserved all the alone daytime for himself without bothering to ask you first for 3 months. No you don't support that level of selfishness.

He also has decided his hobby not only takes over half of all free time, but you can't make the most of your weekend evenings either as his hobby choice has also meant you can't do what you want without him. You weren't asked in advance of his signing up for this marathon, you'd have said no if you were asked if you would give up every Saturday night for 3 months so he can get his sleep.

As you weren't asked, no you are not supporting this. He can pull out of doing the marathon or he can do it without your support. If he wants your support he needs to ask for it in advance next time and be very clear how much impact on you, the children and your relationship his hobby will have.

This is it, in a nutshell.

Suspect he knows he is being unreasonable though but wants to do it anyway.

violetbunny · 24/01/2022 17:00

I wouldn't bother with Relate, I'm sorry OP but he's made his priorities clear and counselling isn't going to do anything to help him unless he sees a need for change.
You might benefit from individual counselling for yourself to work through your feelings on the matter and how you respond. To me it sounds like he's checked out and I'd be making plans to leave.

1FootInTheRave · 24/01/2022 17:06

He is a self absorbed, boring cunt.

I couldn't live like that.

Muchmorethan · 24/01/2022 19:15

My XH was very into running, biking etc. That's where he met the OW.

He would get up early to go out ... but it still impacted on family life. If we went for a day out he'd be twitchy as he'd want to cut it short to go out.

He basically had checked out of the marriage and family life.... and yours has too. Nothing will make them re-evaluate as they are so focused on what they want

I'll never forget XH face when l found out about the OW and asked him to go for marriage counselling.... he refused and said it was over. So l told him that EOW and half of all school holidays were now his to sort out. His face dropped as that would interfere with his exercise.

Oh how l laughed 😅 🤣

OVienna · 24/01/2022 20:25

In answer to the OP "Am I being selfish?" No. Don't even allow any alternative conclusions to that question to enter your head.

Original poster
sploshsplash · 24/01/2022 21:45

We've had quite an honest- on my part- heart to heart this evening. We will see. My cards are laid bare. Not much more I can do.. at least I know if things don't work out then I did what I could on my part. Thank you for your comments.. I appreciate them all x

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 25/01/2022 11:33

Good luck OP.
Sounds like he’s focusing on himself and pulling away from you now that the DC are older and don’t need him as much. The cunt comment wasn’t good but what was the context? Is it a rare or frequent occurrence? Is he usually more respectful (if increasingly distant)?
All this isn’t good for your marriage - but it’s important to make him WANT to be in the marriage. Tempting as it is, you won’t achieve this by showing your resentment all the time. Be busy yourself, mentally or physically, so you feel good about yourself and have lots to talk about. Suggest interesting things to do together and get him to do the same. Support him in his interests (and expect the same in return).
If you genuinely want the marriage to work, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

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