Am I selfish?

[sploshsplash]

H has decided that Jan- March Sundays are his to do practice runs for a marathon he has in April.
He has said no late nights out for me and none for us a couple on a Saturday so he can sleep well for Sunday and no Nights out with him on a Friday because he has work Saturday mornings... but it's ok to go out for dinner on a Sunday evening if we want as he can have a drink.
I don't drink Sundays as work is in the morning.
We had a big argument (instigated by me) before Christmas about lack of couple time together away from the home. It was because I have said many times he doesn't see us doing things as a couple as being important to him... not much came from the argument.
He's called me unsupportive and selfish for being annoyed at claiming the first 3 months of the year to himself.... am I selfish and unsupportive? I just don't feel important to him.
2 children... been together nearly 20 years.
Thanks

@Saysama

I’m really not understanding why you (singular you) can’t go out, though? How does that impact on his ability to get up?

I can, but with the conditions that I'm not back late so I don't impact his sleep. It's just frustrating that as an adult I'm being told what time I'm to be in.... not that I'm planning an all nighter!

@mumof2exhausted

Absolutely ridiculous!! My Oh is also training for a marathon and he does his biggest run on a Sunday so HE doesn’t drink Saturday night. We are out this Saturday and he’s going to drive (woo hoo for me) as isn’t driving. He’d never dictate to me when / if I can go out. That’s so bizarre

I have said this when arguing my side. Why can't we go dinner/bowling/insert random date night whatever here... on a Saturday but he just said he doesn't want to impact his sleep. Fridays are mine... as long as I'm not back late.. the same as Saturday. But the trouble is...what my point is... I want to spend time with him but he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. It's very frustrating

I know I'm childish but if I had these 'rules' places on me, I would completely rebel and make sure I have lots of late nights.

What a twat.

What some women have to put up with.

By telling YOU that you are selfish, he is gaslighting you too.

What a selfish twat.

@girlmom21

OP where are you? Fancy a night out tomorrow?

This kind of needs to happen 😂 A Mumsnet night out 🥂

^I can, but with the conditions that I'm not back late so I don't impact his sleep.
It's just frustrating that as an adult I'm being told what time I'm to be in.... not that I'm planning an all nighter^

Why would you getting back late impact his sleep?

Do you knock him up because you've lost your key and then put the music on, before set the smoke alarms off because you fall asleep while making bacon sandwiches?

Or do you just come in quietly and go to bed and he's being an arse?

@BlingLoving

This is very confusing. So you're not allowed to do anything .... in case it disturbs him on Friday or Saturday nights? And presumably every Sunday he will be training. What about childcare or other family responsibilities - if your DC are little, who looks after them? if older, does that mean you're the only one doing the late night lift clubs or whatever now? All Sunday activities are now your problem?

The only thing I can accept is him not wanting to drink on Friday or Saturday nights and him not wanting an actual late night on a Saturday. But I'm not sure why that means you can't? Or why can't you go out for an early dinner and he just doesn't drink on a Saturday? What am I missing here?

Couldn't possibly go out for dinner due to the fact he wouldn't be able to enjoy it or have a drink... his words.

I think he's the one being unsupportive. Where's his concern and effort to ensure you can do what you want to do, that you have your time?

@BarbaraofSeville

^I can, but with the conditions that I'm not back late so I don't impact his sleep. It's just frustrating that as an adult I'm being told what time I'm to be in.... not that I'm planning an all nighter^

Why would you getting back late impact his sleep?

Do you knock him up because you've lost your key and then put the music on, before set the smoke alarms off because you fall asleep while making bacon sandwiches?

Or do you just come in quietly and go to bed and he's being an arse?

I'm as quiet as I can be having had a few glasses of wine... I'm sure I could be quieter 😆

@LunaLoveFood

I know I'm childish but if I had these 'rules' places on me, I would completely rebel and make sure I have lots of late nights.

Those exact thoughts have been through my head this afternoon!

Great well tell him you will stay out and he can deal with the dc the next morning..

So you can’t go out with him on Friday night because he’s working in the morning and thus can’t have a drink.
Instead, he suggests you both go out on a Sunday - which is when you have work in the morning, so you can’t have a drink.

Aside from the general ridiculous and precious controlling nonsense, how on earth does he explain the discrepancy in his reasoning above?!

There was a poster on here around Christmas who's husband complained that she was playing jungle music and setting off an airhorn when a particularly good tune 'dropped'.

Try that OP.

I think it’s fine for him to not want to go out of a weekend for three months, he’s entitled to that. What he’s not entitled to is telling you you can’t be home late, tell him you understand, you can do something together after the marathon but you’ll be off out with your mates every weekend and he doesn’t get to decide when you can come home, just as you don’t get to decide when he goes out.

@Squirrelblanket

There was a poster on here around Christmas who's husband complained that she was playing jungle music and setting off an airhorn when a particularly good tune 'dropped'.

Try that OP.

Haha 😆

I'd book a night out next Friday and Saturday and aday out all day Saturday.

Let him know the dc are his responsibility as you will not be there.

In fact I might even stay over at friends on saturday, and return 10 minutes before he needs to leave for his training run on Sunday morning.

I would also be tempted to arrive home at 2am on friday night and bang the front door, sing in the kitchen, put on loud music etc.

On a more serious note, this boils down to a couple of key things

1. so - as a couple we can do nothing for 3 months, despite this being and issue that we need to address. You think our relationship is less important than your marathon?
2. he can make his own choices about lifestyle, and while it is common curtesy not to wake someone else up, why does he think it is OK to dictate to you about your lifestyle?
3. did he consider childcare when he planned this?
4. When is YOUR day to work on something YOU want?

He is not coming out of this looking good. Most people manage to train for marathons and carry on with other parts of life too. Why on earth is his sleep the night before a training run so sacred? I could understand the night before the actual marathon but not every week. Is he actually using this as an excuse not to go out?

@Rainydonkey

He is not coming out of this looking good. Most people manage to train for marathons and carry on with other parts of life too. Why on earth is his sleep the night before a training run so sacred? I could understand the night before the actual marathon but not every week. Is he actually using this as an excuse not to go out?

This is my exact point to him. I said as an ending kind of statement.. we will see what happens after this clearly very important three months. Like I said, this is an extension of an existing problem... it's very frustrating.

I've run loads of marathons, at least double figures. You need to train 3/4 times a week, possibly 5/6 depending on your goals. Most of those will be short runs (less than an hour) and the Sunday long run is something of a tradition among distance runners. Obviously it doesn't have to be Sunday but there is a weekly long run increasing to about 20/22 miles a few weeks before race day.
Most parents I know who train for marathons and ultras get up and out early on Sundays. It's entirely reasonable to be gone by 10 and showered etc by 10.30 on all but a couple of weeks so there is still plenty of family time. Naturally if you're leaving at 6 for a long run you wouldn't want to go out drinking the night before as you'd be tired.
Plenty of people go out at normal times and I've been to a restaurant the night before quite a few races. Just clubbing would be hard.
Does that help relate what he's doing to what most runners do?

I really couldn't live like this. And I wouldn't.

What a ridiculous self-important man! I imagine there are umpteen MNers who themselves or their husbands/partners have trained for a marathon or some equivalent endurance event. I'd bet anything that none of them have imposed such ludicrous rules on the other adult in their household. Who the hell does he think he is?!

Maybe he should lower his bar and do a half marathon.
He might not break any world records, but most people have to fit in marathon training around normal life.
You are being supportive in holding the fort with the kids while he does his long run.

I can’t imagine why you want to spend time with him. He sounds like a precious, self-involved, controlling dickhead.

I say, go out, get leathered and come home late singing Danny Boy.

I'd be booking every sat night out at a hotel so dh can have his precious marathon beauty sleep and I'd be charging it to his personal bank account......problem solved!

Why does he need all of Sunday for his training runs ? Is he particularly slow ?